Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles So they completely ruined my plan. Huh. -Ha - Now, heroes are so annoying. - I know, right. Especially when they happen to be your perfect brother. So then what did you do? Had to help Thor fight that stupid elf and then return to my cell in Asgard. - Oh that's terrible. - I know! I really thought I had it all in the bag, too. Was going to fool everyone, take Odin's throne as my own. Everyone would have been like: "Sayeth what? Where's Odin? That's so evil." - I always like Odin . - You would. So how did you escape? - Magic, duh. - I love magic tricks. You want to see this pencil disappear? Hey Loki, thanks for hogging my spotlight, you jerk. Hey, why don't you try to steal some magic gas that no one cares about, Malekith? I'm totally going to control the darkness and rule the universe. You were foiled by two human scientists and two brainless interns carrying nothing but tripods. - So? - So good day. - Amateur. - Noob thinks because he has an army he's automatically The Next Big Thing. Well, Loki did kind of pull focus. Well, wouldn't you? Absolutely! You want to know what I would have done. I would have said: "You wanna know how I got these scars?" And? Then I blow something up. I don't know. I kind of like to keep people guessing. This sucks. Who knows how long it'll take me to have Odin's throne now. You know what's funny? If you had just been a good child, Odin probably would have just handed you the throne. You know, since Thor doesn't want It? Yes, thank you for that reminder, general. - You know what else is funny? - What's that? If you had just colonized Mars, you could have saved your entire race. You blowing my mind, Lok. I like this place. What is it called by the way? So the two of us broke out and he still thinks were locked in Arkham. - That's awesome. - Heroes are so annoying. How long have those two been at it? Erm, since about... 2004. Oh, come on! Barkeep! It would have been cooler with a Wand Wands? The light sabre was a far more elegant weapon. Oh right, buzz buzz zong zong whack whack. Very elegant. There are no good battles anymore. Come on, the alien was scrappy. - I respect scrappy. - No, I mean real battle, not washed-up sci-fi slap fights. Battles between armies of fearsome foes like in my day. Battles That Caused Nations to tremble, Skies to Darken, Hearts of Children Filled With Khan! Hey, come on, Guys, I was really building up to something there. Yes, it must have been riveting. So Khan, He Who Must Not Be Named here says there aren't any good battles any more.Thoughts? Well, there was that time, I completely humiliated Kirk on Kronos. Wait, you don't mean that time you just stood there letting him pound on you? it was so boring Well I had just defeated about 50 Klingon warriors. I loved that. Pew-pew, stab-stab. Explosions - Nicely done - But you let him hit you Because I am Superior in every way. That's not battle. I'd never let the hero get away with hitting me. I'd be all "I'm going to destroy you!" Then I'd point my wand really hard at him shooting green magic at him... I'm with Khan on this one. It's more fun to take beatnig to let the hero know, he can't hurt you. Now which reminds me - do you want to know how I got these scars? No, I prefer to utterly destroy my enemies. You mean like that time, when you failed to utterly destroy a tiny baby? Ough! Gotcha! Hey, he was a magic baby. Well, maybe If I was a Superior Being with Super Blood, then I wouldn't have anything to worry about. Except for being put to sleep for 300 years. Maybe superblood would have kept you from turning into windblown flakes, when you lost. - Again - Hoho! Burn. I hate you guys. Okay, Baldy, you want battle? This'll cheer you up. - Thumb war! - Oh, all right, I can't stay mad at you. - I'm leaving. - One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war. Got you! You lose. Okay, revenge. One order to do. Bowncer! But I'm a Real Villain, at least I'm on television, please. No! Come on! Really! This is asgardian leather, you buffoon. It stains like you would not believe. - Oh, can't you just do that magic thing make It disappear - Of course I can. That's not the point. - Then what is the point? - Looking awesome, duh. You have to respect the look. It took years to put all this together. Some of It is stolen, some of It is bought and some of It I made all by myself. It's the best costume in this place and it is Irreplaceable. Really. The Best. Then why aren't you wearing the whole thing? - I... I don't know, what you're talking about. - Yes you do. Fine. Stop laughing! - The helmet works. - Is that why you got rid of It for Thor 2? - Hey, look, it's the tesseract! - Tesseract? Where? Whoa! Very funny. Jerks. Relax. The Helmet... It's unique. It's you. You gotta have something, that's just you. In fact. Do you want to know, where I got these clothes? - Surely, the answer's "Not from Batman". - They're custom, yep. - 100% untraceable. - Unless you Happen to stop By a Party City. Yes, I think they carry wands there as well. I told you, my wand cannot be replaced by some cheap plastic vacuum-molded muggle-designing... SPEAKing of replacing things. i have to say you could use a better look, Voldie. What?!! What do you mean? I am the Dark Lord! Black Robes are awesome. But sooo boring. - Boring! Well, what would you suggest? - Drapes are a nice look. Scales are functional and quite intimidating. Extra Arms. Unexplained accessories can be nice. The handlebar mustache! Classic. How about some fire to change your look? Have you considered a mask? They hide your face and disguise your voice. Which can have unintended consequences. Yes, like being completely incomprehensible. - What are you saing? - What are YOU saying? - So what do you say, Voldie? - No! at least add a mask, it will help with... You know... - What? - You are you are aware that you don't have a nose, right? Enough! That's it! My look is both evil and terrifying! I caused grown men to cower in fear, I caused children lying in their beds to wake from nightmares and shriek at every shadow on the wall. All living beings fear me to the depths of this song. What? What's happening? Gryffindor? LOKIIII!!!! I think costumes are overrated. What? You look marvellous, darling! Love the hair. And then I totally destroyed everything. That's my jam. I just sent them on endless goosechases, while I evolved and made my Earth destroying meteor. They never even stood a chance. So when is this meteor supposed to get? Ohh, sometime about now. - He said "now". - Wait, what? Fine. I'll do it myself. Yes you will. Because if you want to work here, you shall do my bidet. Now plunge with all of your hatred. Yes. I can feel your anger. - Hey hey fellas! - Agh! - What did you do? - Thought it was time for a change. - Eww. Well, you thought wrong. - Yes no shirt no service. - Ooh. Ok. - You look like a want to be rock star. - You don't like it? - I mean. it's not killing me, it's just hurting me. - Really. Really. Bad. - Yes, change back. I can't, I shaved my eyebrows. Do you know how long it takes for eyebrows to grow back? Well, I certainly do. You are hosed, man. But didn't we just talk about the perfect costume? Your previous costume was excellent. Oh, I don't know. I always thought, your look in '89 was best. - Or the sixties. - I disagree. That time you sounded like Luke Skywalker - - that was best. - He still sounds like Luke Skywalker sometimes. That would explain I don't always like you. Why can't you just stay one way and that's it? You don't see us rebooting over and over again, do you? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yes. - It's too soon, man, too soon. You can't just pull off the band-aid without warning. It's been seven years. Plus I'm the Joker, I'm unpredictable. It's what I do. Yeah, one day I may blow up a hospital, the next day I may want ridiculous tattoos and no eyebrows. - It's just gonna happen, people, but it's still me. - Well, I just think, maybe you should have asked us first? Yes. Now you look like a psychotic version of Jordan from "My so-called life". - That's what he reminds me of. - You guys watch "My so-called life"? -No. -No. -Shut up. -You do. - What is this, 1995? - I do think it's on Netflix. - What is this netflix? Okay... So anyway. This is my look now. - Boo - No! Have some dignity! You have "damaged" on your forehead. I say, we give him a chance! Okay. Netflix's streaming. Let's see here "My so-called life". What's this? DVD only. LOOOKKKIIII!!! - Yes, these are the brains you are looking for. - Whoa! - Another zombie night, barkeep? Really? - It's great, isn't it? Well, Dark Lord, ever since your Army of Death Eaters disbanded, I've had to expand my clientele to include collective villains. Besides, they are excellent tippers. Disgusting. Collective villains shouldn't even count as villains. What do you mean? Collective villains are terrifying! What could be more evil, than a mass of mindless undead cannibals - shambling toward you to eat your brain? - A true Villain Is a Brilliant and Powerful genius. He doesn't stumble towards his victims and mindless waves. The true Villain plots and schemes and outwits, a dark and powerful Master. Like... How do you do that? Do you just wait outside - listening for an inspiring speech to interrupt? - If that were true i'd never come here? Oh-ho, nice! Settle a debate for us, conman. Voldie here says, that zombies sholdn't count as villains, because they're just a mindless collective. I think, they're terrifying. Your thougths? - Oh, are there zombies here? - How could you not have noticed? They are everywhere! You forget, I am superior in every way. You all seem like zombies to me. Oh, I suppose you have a Superior Understanding of the hierarchy of villainy? Indeed I do. Me Zombies Everyone else. Scoff. Oh, I forgot. Magicians. Oh, I love magic! Do you want to see a magic trick? I got your nose. - Really? - Fine, I'll put it back. Zombies are so old-fashioned. Only the intellectually challenged would fear them. We certainly don't have to worry about things like that in the future. Wait, what about those guys? Those aren't anything like zombies. - Face it, they're just robot-zombies. - Yep, pretty much. - Guys, zombie-karaoke is starting. - That's it. Disapparate! Personal transwarp. Guys, you gonna miss it. And then he stabbed me in the leg, and I still didn't bleed out. And you don't have any healing powers? - Nope WOW Hello, Francis! Wade... Now *bleep* die already *bleep* Bleeps? Really? Here? Fine. Revenge stories. Am I right, guys? Hey, can I get some chimichangas? - Oh, I'm afraid, you aren't welcome here, Van Wilder. - Yess! Ant-eye hero. What? How many times do I have to say this? I am not a f*#*ing hero. You aren't evil. I made everyone hate Green Lantern. That's kind of evil. But there is still good in you. So leave us. Fine. But I'm leaving the old Deadpool with you, guys. Nobody likes that Deadpool. I started a joke... What's his problem? But they cut me out of my... Movie... The cutting room blues. Now I finally see.... That the joke was on me. Puddin! How I missed you, sweet song of a voice! Thanks.