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  • -Hi, everybody, welcome, welcome, welcome

  • to "The Tonight Show"! Here we go.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Thank you so much for being here, thank you for watching.

  • Now let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, everybody is talking about this.

  • On Sunday, President Trump announced over Twitter

  • that Rudy Giuliani tested positive for coronavirus.

  • When the news broke, the coronavirus was like,

  • "Damn it! I knew I should have worn a mask!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I hope Rudy's okay.

  • When they did his nasal swab, it came out black.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Apparently, the doctor asked,

  • "When did you start feeling a little off?"

  • And Rudy said, "Right around 2009-ish."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It keeps getting worse for Rudy.

  • After his test showed he had COVID,

  • he challenged the results in court and lost.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Rudy was like, "How could this happen?

  • All I did was travel around maskless

  • and use whatever I found laying around to wipe my face."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • At first, it was hard to tell that Rudy had COVID

  • 'cause he always looked like he had a 102-degree fever.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, the good news is, Giuliani already tweeted

  • that he is getting great care and feeling good.

  • Yep, nurses have been giving him I.V. fluids,

  • which Rudy promptly sprays out of his face

  • like a lawn sprinkler.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I hope Rudy's getting good care,

  • because if he picks medical experts

  • like he picks legal experts, his doctor is gonna be

  • some random guy he found at an Applebee's happy hour.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, Rudy says he's feeling good and will be back

  • to embarrassing himself on camera in no time.

  • -Hang on! Wait a minute. Did you say Giuliani got COVID?

  • -Yeah. Yeah, that's what I've been saying.

  • -Giuliani Bingo!

  • -No way! You got Giuliani Bingo?

  • -Yeah, man. Giuliani Bingo.

  • -All right. Let's double-check your card.

  • You got Giuliani testing positive for COVID.

  • What else? -Well, I've got

  • "Audibly farted during a hearing."

  • -They didn't bother to interview a single witness.

  • [ Farts ]

  • -Oh, well, I have...

  • "Brought a lady to court who seemed to be drunk."

  • -The poll bo-- The poll book is completely off.

  • -I have "Wiped his face with a rag

  • that he just blew his nose into."

  • -That is true.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -And, finally, "Hair dye melted off his face."

  • Giuliani Bingo, man.

  • -Yeah. You won. Tariq, you've got one Giuliani Bingo!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • Your prize is a $25 gift card

  • to Four Seasons Total Landscaping. Congrats.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Meanwhile, all eyes are on Georgia

  • and its two Senate runoffs.

  • On Saturday, Trump held a rally

  • for the state's Republican Senators,

  • but he mostly talked about himself.

  • Here he is complaining about his own election results.

  • -We're all victims. Everybody here,

  • all these thousands of people here tonight,

  • they're all victims. Every one of you.

  • -Yeah. And judging by the number of masks I saw in the crowd,

  • he's right. [ Laughter ]

  • Even Rudy Giuliani saw that and said, "You fools!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "You fools!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But in the end, Trump knows there's a lot on the line

  • in Georgia, so he made sure to deliver a compelling

  • closing argument for the Republican candidates.

  • Watch.

  • ♪♪

  • -Blueberries, peppers, squash, and cucumbers.

  • Who does cucumbers around here?

  • 'Cause I like cucumbers! I'm the only one.

  • I like cucumbers.

  • ♪♪

  • [ Applause ]

  • -Well, last night, there was supposed to be

  • a debate for Georgia's runoff between Democrat John Ossoff

  • and Republican David Perdue,

  • but Perdue didn't show up, so look what happened.

  • -Democrat John Ossoff. He is CEO of Insight TWI,

  • a media production company that investigates corruption,

  • organized crime, and war crimes

  • for international news organizations.

  • Republican David Perdue

  • has served in the U.S. Senate since 2015.

  • Senator Perdue declined to participate in this debate

  • and is represented by an empty podium.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Afterward, the podium was kicking itself,

  • was like, "I blew it. I totally froze.

  • I just..." [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, it was a rough night for the podium.

  • Halfway through the debate, a fly landed on it.

  • [ Laughter ] Unbelievable, unbelievable.

  • Meanwhile, today, at the White House,

  • Trump gave the Medal of Freedom

  • to a legendary wrestling coach from Iowa.

  • But listen to what he said at the ceremony.

  • -He won 117 consecutive matches and lost only one.

  • Well, you know, in politics, I won two, so I'm 2-0,

  • and that's pretty good, too.

  • But we'll see how that turns out.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -At that point, Trump took back the Medal of Freedom

  • and gave it to himself.

  • "I'm undefeated, and you're not, so..."

  • Trump's 2-0 claim would've been more convincing

  • if half the people in that room weren't moving guys.

  • "All right. We gotta get this thing.

  • You want to go diagonal with this through the door?

  • Yeah." [ Laughter ]

  • Here's some music news -- Bob Dylan just sold

  • his entire songwriting catalog to Universal

  • in a giant, record-breaking deal.

  • I'm thrilled for Bob Dylan, but if I see

  • "Blowin' in the Wind" in a Gas-X commercial,

  • I'm gonna freak out. [ Laughter ]

  • No.

  • That's right. Bob Dylan just sold his entire

  • music catalog for over an estimated $300 million.

  • It's one of the biggest music publishing deals ever.

  • And this is real -- here now, on the phone,

  • to talk about this enormous deal is Bob Dylan himself.

  • Bob, are you there?

  • -[ Speaking indistinctly ]

  • Okay. Well, how do you feel about this record-breaking deal?

  • -[ Speaking indistinctly ]

  • -I see, I see. And how do you plan

  • to spend all of that money?

  • -[ Speaking indistinctly ]

  • ...PlayStation 5.

  • -Uh-huh. That's really great.

  • Well, I know you're hoping to debut a new song here tonight.

  • So, please, take it away, whenever you're ready.

  • -One, two...

  • [ Singing indistinctly ]

  • ♪♪

  • ♪♪

  • PlayStation 5 ♪

  • -That's right. Oh, beautiful.

  • Bob Dylan, everybody!

  • Can't believe he took the time --

  • I can't believe he took the time to call us

  • and to do an impersonation of himself from 50 years ago.

  • -[ Speaking indistinctly ]

  • -Thank you, Bob. [ Laughter ]

  • -Well, guys, Christmas is just a few weeks away,

  • and I saw that the world's first ever commercially printed

  • Christmas card is on sale for $25,000.

  • Yeah, even back then, the first person to get a Christmas card

  • was like, "Wow. He gained a lot of weight this year."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Here's a big sports story. The New York Jets

  • are still looking for their first win of the season.

  • And yesterday, they were up by 4

  • with about 10 seconds left in the game.

  • All they had to do was not give up a touchdown.

  • Let's see how it went.

  • -Jets coming.

  • Carr puts some air under it.

  • Wide open is Ruggs for the touchdown!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -The Jets are always out-Jetting themselves.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • They're basically the NFL's version of Rudy Giuliani.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And, finally, every day, we learn a little more

  • about the coronavirus, and now a doctor is warning

  • that COVID could actually cause erectile dysfunction.

  • So between their COVID vaccine and Viagra,

  • Pfizer's about to make it rain.

  • We have exactly 10 shows left before we go on Christmas break,

  • which means it's time for that beloved

  • "Tonight Show" tradition.

  • It's time for 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters!

  • Here we go!

  • ♪ 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters

  • ♪ 10 todays left

  • -That's right. Every show between now and Christmas

  • we'll be giving one lucky audience member

  • an exquisite Christmas sweater

  • from the Countdown to Christmas Cabinet.

  • Now, since there are 10 shows left,

  • let's open door number 10.

  • Go for it.

  • Oh, yeah. Yes.

  • Oh, yeah.

  • Ooh, la, la!

  • Couple gingerbread men.

  • Look at that.

  • Oh. Wow! Wow. There are gloves.

  • Looks like the gloves are attached.

  • Are there gl-- There are gloves attached.

  • Wow. And let's see the back just to check out the, uh...

  • Yep, yep. Secret wreath, not quite in the middle,

  • off to the side a little bit, kind of keeps you guessing.

  • All right, everybody.

  • Let's see who's gonna go home with tonight's sweater.

  • Everyone, look at your seat number.

  • If I call your number, come on down.

  • Quest, can I get a drumroll, please?

  • [ Drumroll ]

  • Here we go.

  • Number 260!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Come on down, bud!

  • ♪♪

  • -Hello!

  • Hello. What is your name and where are you from?

  • -Ethan. I'm from New Jersey.

  • -Hey! New Jersey in the house!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • It does get a little brisk in New Jersey this time of year.

  • Do you have anything like this type of sweater?

  • -Uh, not really. [ Laughter ]

  • -Not really. Would you mind trying it on for us?

  • -Sure. -Roots, could we get some

  • trying-on music?

  • ♪♪

  • Thank you very much.

  • Yeah, make sure you get the fingers there.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's not something you want to put on if you're in a rush.

  • You know, you want to take your time with this one.

  • Man, it feels warm already. Yep.

  • Little tricky, but that's half the fun of it.

  • Oh! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

  • Oh. Oh, look at this.

  • [ Cheers and applause ] Look at that.

  • Turn around. Let's see the full --

  • Yeah! Looks like a tassel.

  • [ Laughs ]

  • Looks like you got, like, a rattail in the back.

  • I think it's pretty awesome.

  • That's what I'm talking about. That's our winner right there.

  • That's our audience member. We love you.

  • Thank you again to our lucky audience member.

  • Stick around. We'll be right back

  • with more "Tonight Show," everybody.

  • Come on back.