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-Hi, everybody, welcome, welcome, welcome
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to "The Tonight Show"! Here we go.
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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Thank you so much for being here, thank you for watching.
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Now let's get to the news and jokes.
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Well, guys, everybody is talking about this.
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On Sunday, President Trump announced over Twitter
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that Rudy Giuliani tested positive for coronavirus.
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When the news broke, the coronavirus was like,
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"Damn it! I knew I should have worn a mask!"
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[ Laughter ]
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I hope Rudy's okay.
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When they did his nasal swab, it came out black.
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[ Laughter ]
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Apparently, the doctor asked,
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"When did you start feeling a little off?"
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And Rudy said, "Right around 2009-ish."
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[ Laughter ]
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It keeps getting worse for Rudy.
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After his test showed he had COVID,
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he challenged the results in court and lost.
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[ Laughter ]
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Rudy was like, "How could this happen?
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All I did was travel around maskless
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and use whatever I found laying around to wipe my face."
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[ Laughter ]
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At first, it was hard to tell that Rudy had COVID
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'cause he always looked like he had a 102-degree fever.
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[ Laughter ]
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Well, the good news is, Giuliani already tweeted
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that he is getting great care and feeling good.
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Yep, nurses have been giving him I.V. fluids,
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which Rudy promptly sprays out of his face
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like a lawn sprinkler.
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[ Laughter ]
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I hope Rudy's getting good care,
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because if he picks medical experts
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like he picks legal experts, his doctor is gonna be
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some random guy he found at an Applebee's happy hour.
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[ Laughter ]
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Yeah, Rudy says he's feeling good and will be back
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to embarrassing himself on camera in no time.
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-Hang on! Wait a minute. Did you say Giuliani got COVID?
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-Yeah. Yeah, that's what I've been saying.
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-Giuliani Bingo!
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-No way! You got Giuliani Bingo?
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-Yeah, man. Giuliani Bingo.
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-All right. Let's double-check your card.
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You got Giuliani testing positive for COVID.
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What else? -Well, I've got
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"Audibly farted during a hearing."
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-They didn't bother to interview a single witness.
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[ Farts ]
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-Oh, well, I have...
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"Brought a lady to court who seemed to be drunk."
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-The poll bo-- The poll book is completely off.
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-I have "Wiped his face with a rag
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that he just blew his nose into."
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-That is true.
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[ Laughter ]
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-And, finally, "Hair dye melted off his face."
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Giuliani Bingo, man.
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-Yeah. You won. Tariq, you've got one Giuliani Bingo!
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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♪♪
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Your prize is a $25 gift card
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to Four Seasons Total Landscaping. Congrats.
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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Meanwhile, all eyes are on Georgia
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and its two Senate runoffs.
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On Saturday, Trump held a rally
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for the state's Republican Senators,
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but he mostly talked about himself.
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Here he is complaining about his own election results.
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-We're all victims. Everybody here,
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all these thousands of people here tonight,
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they're all victims. Every one of you.
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-Yeah. And judging by the number of masks I saw in the crowd,
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he's right. [ Laughter ]
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Even Rudy Giuliani saw that and said, "You fools!"
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[ Laughter ]
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"You fools!"
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[ Laughter ]
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But in the end, Trump knows there's a lot on the line
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in Georgia, so he made sure to deliver a compelling
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closing argument for the Republican candidates.
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Watch.
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♪♪
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-Blueberries, peppers, squash, and cucumbers.
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Who does cucumbers around here?
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'Cause I like cucumbers! I'm the only one.
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I like cucumbers.
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♪♪
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[ Applause ]
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-Well, last night, there was supposed to be
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a debate for Georgia's runoff between Democrat John Ossoff
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and Republican David Perdue,
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but Perdue didn't show up, so look what happened.
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-Democrat John Ossoff. He is CEO of Insight TWI,
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a media production company that investigates corruption,
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organized crime, and war crimes
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for international news organizations.
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Republican David Perdue
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has served in the U.S. Senate since 2015.
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Senator Perdue declined to participate in this debate
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and is represented by an empty podium.
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[ Laughter ]
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-Afterward, the podium was kicking itself,
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was like, "I blew it. I totally froze.
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I just..." [ Laughter ]
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Yeah, it was a rough night for the podium.
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Halfway through the debate, a fly landed on it.
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[ Laughter ] Unbelievable, unbelievable.
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Meanwhile, today, at the White House,
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Trump gave the Medal of Freedom
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to a legendary wrestling coach from Iowa.
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But listen to what he said at the ceremony.
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-He won 117 consecutive matches and lost only one.
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Well, you know, in politics, I won two, so I'm 2-0,
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and that's pretty good, too.
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But we'll see how that turns out.
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[ Laughter ]
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-At that point, Trump took back the Medal of Freedom
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and gave it to himself.
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"I'm undefeated, and you're not, so..."
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Trump's 2-0 claim would've been more convincing
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if half the people in that room weren't moving guys.
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"All right. We gotta get this thing.
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You want to go diagonal with this through the door?
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Yeah." [ Laughter ]
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Here's some music news -- Bob Dylan just sold
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his entire songwriting catalog to Universal
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in a giant, record-breaking deal.
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I'm thrilled for Bob Dylan, but if I see
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"Blowin' in the Wind" in a Gas-X commercial,
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I'm gonna freak out. [ Laughter ]
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No.
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That's right. Bob Dylan just sold his entire
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music catalog for over an estimated $300 million.
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It's one of the biggest music publishing deals ever.
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And this is real -- here now, on the phone,
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to talk about this enormous deal is Bob Dylan himself.
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Bob, are you there?
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-[ Speaking indistinctly ]
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Okay. Well, how do you feel about this record-breaking deal?
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-[ Speaking indistinctly ]
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-I see, I see. And how do you plan
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to spend all of that money?
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-[ Speaking indistinctly ]
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...PlayStation 5.
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-Uh-huh. That's really great.
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Well, I know you're hoping to debut a new song here tonight.
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So, please, take it away, whenever you're ready.
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-One, two...
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[ Singing indistinctly ]
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♪♪
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♪♪
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♪ PlayStation 5 ♪
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-That's right. Oh, beautiful.
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Bob Dylan, everybody!
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Can't believe he took the time --
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I can't believe he took the time to call us
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and to do an impersonation of himself from 50 years ago.
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-[ Speaking indistinctly ]
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-Thank you, Bob. [ Laughter ]
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-Well, guys, Christmas is just a few weeks away,
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and I saw that the world's first ever commercially printed
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Christmas card is on sale for $25,000.
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Yeah, even back then, the first person to get a Christmas card
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was like, "Wow. He gained a lot of weight this year."
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[ Laughter ]
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Here's a big sports story. The New York Jets
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are still looking for their first win of the season.
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And yesterday, they were up by 4
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with about 10 seconds left in the game.
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All they had to do was not give up a touchdown.
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Let's see how it went.
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-Jets coming.
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Carr puts some air under it.
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Wide open is Ruggs for the touchdown!
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[ Laughter ]
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-The Jets are always out-Jetting themselves.
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[ Laughter ]
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They're basically the NFL's version of Rudy Giuliani.
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[ Laughter ]
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And, finally, every day, we learn a little more
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about the coronavirus, and now a doctor is warning
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that COVID could actually cause erectile dysfunction.
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So between their COVID vaccine and Viagra,
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Pfizer's about to make it rain.
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We have exactly 10 shows left before we go on Christmas break,
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which means it's time for that beloved
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"Tonight Show" tradition.
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It's time for 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters!
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Here we go!
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♪ 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters ♪
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♪ 10 todays left ♪
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-That's right. Every show between now and Christmas
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we'll be giving one lucky audience member
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an exquisite Christmas sweater
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from the Countdown to Christmas Cabinet.
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Now, since there are 10 shows left,
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let's open door number 10.
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Go for it.
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Oh, yeah. Yes.
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Oh, yeah.
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Ooh, la, la!
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Couple gingerbread men.
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Look at that.
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Oh. Wow! Wow. There are gloves.
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Looks like the gloves are attached.
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Are there gl-- There are gloves attached.
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Wow. And let's see the back just to check out the, uh...
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Yep, yep. Secret wreath, not quite in the middle,
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off to the side a little bit, kind of keeps you guessing.
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All right, everybody.
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Let's see who's gonna go home with tonight's sweater.
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Everyone, look at your seat number.
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If I call your number, come on down.
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Quest, can I get a drumroll, please?
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[ Drumroll ]
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Here we go.
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Number 260!
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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Come on down, bud!
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♪♪
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-Hello!
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Hello. What is your name and where are you from?
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-Ethan. I'm from New Jersey.
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-Hey! New Jersey in the house!
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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It does get a little brisk in New Jersey this time of year.
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Do you have anything like this type of sweater?
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-Uh, not really. [ Laughter ]
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-Not really. Would you mind trying it on for us?
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-Sure. -Roots, could we get some
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trying-on music?
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♪♪
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Thank you very much.
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Yeah, make sure you get the fingers there.
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[ Laughter ]
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It's not something you want to put on if you're in a rush.
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You know, you want to take your time with this one.
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Man, it feels warm already. Yep.
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Little tricky, but that's half the fun of it.
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Oh! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Oh. Oh, look at this.
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[ Cheers and applause ] Look at that.
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Turn around. Let's see the full --
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Yeah! Looks like a tassel.
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[ Laughs ]
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Looks like you got, like, a rattail in the back.
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I think it's pretty awesome.
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That's what I'm talking about. That's our winner right there.
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That's our audience member. We love you.
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Thank you again to our lucky audience member.
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Stick around. We'll be right back
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with more "Tonight Show," everybody.
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Come on back.