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  • welcome to like, Oh, I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.

  • I'm dying to find out how much of what I just said ends up in tonight's show.

  • Christmas is coming.

  • Ladies and gentlemen, we're all looking forward to the miracle of Santa going all around the world in a single night.

  • But you know, it's moving almost as fast a Santa Coronavirus.

  • I'll tell you all about it in my ongoing segment.

  • Catch a third wave analyst.

  • Bummer.

  • Hey, everybody, I'm still here.

  • Stop it!

  • Yeah, I think I was a little late over the weekend.

  • U S Cove in 19 hospitalizations hit another record high.

  • Which is why we all need to protect each other by staying home where you can sit alone on your couch and hit a record high.

  • Hmm?

  • No, sir.

  • Experts they're trying to help Americans brace for how bad things will get.

  • Take coronavirus response Coordinator Dr Deborah Berks, seen here explaining the plot of Alien V.

  • Predator.

  • Birks appeared on the meet the press yesterday and said that the winter surge would be the worst event in U.

  • S history.

  • So sorry, celebrity.

  • Imagine video.

  • Your time atop the throne is over.

  • Out, out brief candle now one major differences with the other most tragic events in American history.

  • Back then, you didn't have a big chunk of the population saying it's a hoax.

  • I mean, for Pete's sake.

  • Today, December 7th is the anniversary of Pearl Harbor.

  • You never heard FDR say this December 7th 1941 a date which will live in infamy because the Japanese air forces ah, hoax.

  • It's all a plot by the Vanderbilts to implant telegraph wires in your brain.

  • One of the latest people affected is the president's lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, seen here pinching out a closing statement.

  • Yesterday, we learned that Giuliani tested positive for coronavirus.

  • Okay, for a man his age, it is a troubling diagnosis, but I have no doubt he will get the same top notch medical care the president did.

  • Plus, you know, Rudy will stay hydrated.

  • He drinks so many fluids, they leak out of his skull.

  • But it's not just Rudy who is at risk.

  • Giuliani has traveled extensively to battleground states in recent days and met with officials for hours at a time, without wearing a mask that is so reckless they willingly sat in the same room with Rudy Giuliani's teeth.

  • Not on Lee.

  • Has Giuliani gone massless?

  • He's also tried to coax his own witnesses to take their masks off.

  • Miss Jacob, I don't want you to do this if you feel uncomfortable.

  • But would you be comfortable taking a mask off so that people could hear you more clearly?

  • Can you hear me now?

  • Can everyone hear it?

  • Clearly we can hear, Phil.

  • Way can hear you.

  • Okay.

  • Are you sure you don't wanna take the mask off?

  • It just feels better without it.

  • The mass kills all the sensation.

  • Look, I bought you dinner.

  • At least let me see your nostrils.

  • No, no shaking your head.

  • I think it's perfectly fine.

  • Metaphor.

  • Typhoid Rudy is such a disease vector that the Arizona Legislature is closing for a week after he spent two days with massless GOP lawmakers.

  • So for just a partial list of Rudy's achievements since the election, he has lost 48 lawsuits.

  • He melted on camera, He farted in court, he got co vid and he shut down a state legislature.

  • The only thing more embarrassing would be if he married his own cousin.

  • He what?

  • Oh, but that's okay.

  • Despite our oak or to keep talking.

  • Now we're gonna short time frame.

  • Despite his lawyers.

  • Serious illness The president has vowed to continue the fight against democracy, and I'll give you the latest in my unfortunately ongoing segment.

  • Ask con racist Sing this song.

  • Kurita Kurita ask contacts just loves Kim John I will not go away the road from the White House.

  • There's been yet another huge blow to the president's coup attempt because just hours ago, Georgia re certified its presidential election results, once again finding Joe Biden as the winner following three counts of ballots.

  • Well, like the saying goes, Third time's the same as the first and the second time on Lee.

  • Much more humiliating.

  • Don't feel left out, Mr President.

  • Biden may have won the Peach State, but you got impeached and that will never go away.

  • But it's the moment the president has been dreading to try to keep this from happening.

  • This weekend, the president called Georgia governor and Dennis Quaid with water damage.

  • Brian Kemp, the president, pressed Kemp to call a special session of the state Legislature for lawmakers to override the results of the election and instead appoint electors who would then back the president at the Electoral College.

  • I'm gonna say this is a rough time for those who have been assisting that he's not really an autocrat, because let's be clear here.

  • If you throw out the votes, that's the end of democracy.

  • It's a short walk from Do us a favor, though, to make me Mussolini, bro.

  • Thankfully, Kemp declined the president's request.

  • That's understandable.

  • Atlanta's already burned once.

  • They're good.

  • Later that night, the president went to Georgia for a Maga rally, and while he complained about the election, he insisted, It's not just about him.

  • We're all victims.

  • Everybody here, all these thousands of people here tonight.

  • They're all victims, every one of you, and they're packed together to rally, not wearing masks.

  • So if any of them aren't victims now, just wait 3 to 5 days.

  • Then the sore loser tried to convince us that he's on Lee being a sore loser because he didn't lose on.

  • I have to say, if I lost, I'd be a very gracious loser.

  • If I lost, I would say I lost and I'd go to Florida and I take it easy and I go around and I'd say I did a good job, as opposed to how he spent his presidency going to Florida, taking it easy and saying he did a good job.

  • But no Maga rally would be complete without one truly stupid ramble.

  • Who does cucumbers around here?

  • Because I like cucumbers.

  • Can I'm the only one.

  • I like cucumbers.

  • Come on.

  • At this point, he's just testing what they'll applaud.

  • Because the only thing number that him bragging that he's the only one who loves cucumbers is the audience cheering for cucumbers.

  • Whoa!

  • Yeah, cucumbers.

  • Whoa!

  • They make pickles, Chop them up, chop them up.

  • I relish it.

  • The president.

  • I'm sweating right through this.

  • Look at that.

  • The president was supposed supposedly in Georgia to help the Republican senatorial candidates and their upcoming runoff elections.

  • But he didn't seem that enthusiastic about him.

  • You know, I don't do these things for other people.

  • I don't like doing it for other people, I said.

  • David and Kelly called.

  • Would you do a rally?

  • I said, not really.

  • I did 56 of them, kind of harsh and also his answer to Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

  • Not really, I did 56 of them.

  • Things were incredibly close races in the general election.

  • So the January 5th runoff is really gonna come down to voter turnout, and the president wanted to make sure that all of his followers knew what day to show up.

  • Everything that we've achieved together is on the line on June 5th.

  • That's right.

  • You listen to your president.

  • He's never wrong.

  • You must vote on June 5th for the rest of you.

  • You might want to find out the actual election data.

  • Better know a ballot dot com slash g a.

  • The candidates in both runoff elections debated last night.

  • The more noteworthy of the two was between incumbent Georgia Republican and actor Who wants you to ask your doctor about irritable bowel syndrome?

  • Senator David Perdue against Democratic Challenger and bar Mitzvah Boy genuinely moved by his boobies.

  • Toast Jon Ossoff.

  • The last time these two men debated, this happened well.

  • Perhaps Senator Purdue would have been able to respond properly to the Cove in 19 Pandemic if you hadn't been fending off multiple federal investigations for insider trading.

  • It's not just that you're a crook, Senator.

  • It's that you're attacking the health of the people that you represent.

  • Can you look down the camera and tell the people of this state why you voted four times to allow insurance companies to deny US health coverage?

  • Because we may suffer from diabetes or heart disease or asthma or have cancer in remission?

  • Why, Senator Damn, Jon Ossoff just tore him a new asshole.

  • So all eyes were on last night's debate to see how Purdue was gonna fare in the rematch.

  • The candidates are Democrat Jon Ossoff.

  • He is CEO of Insight, T.

  • W I.

  • A media production company.

  • Republican David Perdue has served in the U.

  • S Senate since 2015.

  • Senator Purdue declined to participate in this debate and is represented by an empty podium.

  • Wow, he didn't show, although I will say that Podium does have more personality than David Perdue.

  • Of course, this kind of debate is not unprecedented in American history.

  • Who can forget the classic exchange in the Lincoln Douglas debates when Lincoln said, a house divided against itself cannot stand toe, which Douglas replied, I am a chair in the midst of an unprecedented pandemic and a clear election, which the defeated incumbent still has not recognized reality.

  • The White House decided that today was the perfect time for the first lady Toe announced the completion of the new White House tennis pavilion.

  • It's the only place Eric or Don Jr will ever hear the word love.

  • Now I will say it might be tough for this administration to find anybody to play with, because based on how they behaved since the election, the Republicans clearly don't have any balls.

  • In a statement, the first lady's statement did.

  • It is my hope that this private space will function as both a place of leisure and gathering for future first families.

  • That's the closest we're going to get to a concession.

  • She's admitting there will be future first families and gatherings.

  • Well, according to the White House, the construction of the new tennis building was funded by private donations.

  • So when the campaign sent out emails begging for court money, technically they weren't lying.

  • Now, if you watch the show and I hope you do, you might notice that I occasionally criticized this White House.

  • But I'm honestly excited for this tennis thing because it gives me yet another reason to show this photo.

  • I also got to show that photo when we talk about sports athleisure wear and honey glazed hams.

  • We've got a great show for you tonight.

  • Meryl Streep is here.

  • Stick around.

  • It's Meryl Streep, for Pete's sake.

welcome to like, Oh, I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.

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B2 president election rudy georgia senator giuliani

Georgia Holds The Line Against The President's Attempt To Steal Its Electoral College Votes

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/12/08
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