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>> James: GOOD EVENING LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
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WELCOME TO "THE LATE LATE SHOW."
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HOPE YOU HAD A NICE FRIDAY.
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WE HAVE A GOOD ONE FOR YOU TONIGHT.
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WE'LL BE CHATTING WITH THE ALWAYS INCREDIBLE KEVIN BACON.
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LATER, WE'VE GOT A COOKING DEMO WITH CHEF JAMIE OLIVER, WHO WILL
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BE SHOWING ME HOW TO MAKE THE PERFECT BEEF WELLINGTON.
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YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS IT.
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DO YOU KNOW WHAT A BEEF WELLINGTON IS, REG.
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>> Reggie: A BAKED PASTRY BEEFY THING.
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>> James: THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S A BAKED PASTRY BEEFY THING.
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WHICH IST WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO CALL IT.
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WHEN THEY DON'T KNOW, LET'S CALL IT SOMETHING WEIRDER.
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IAN, YOU'VE COOKED A BEEF WELLINGTON BEFORE.
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I'VE SEEN PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE OF THIS.
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>> IT'S A HURRICANE OF SAVORY FLAVORS.
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>> James: THAT'S IT!
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FOR AMERICANS, I CAN ONLY IMAGINE AFTER TONIGHT'S SHOW,
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BEEF WELLINGTON WILL BE SWEEPING AMERICA.
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YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO GET A FILET OF BEEF OR A PUFF PASTRY
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ANYWHERE.
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HOW LONG DO YOU THINK IT WILL TAKE TO CALL IT A BIG POCKET.
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>> CALL IT A MEAT PILLOW.
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>> James: YEAH, COME OVER, WE'RE COOKING A MEAT PILLOW.
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>> I DON'T KNOW HOW IT'S NOT A HUGE THING ALREADY.
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>> James: YEAH.
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IT MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL.
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>> James: YEAH.
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TAKING SOMETHING AND SHOVING IT INTO ANOTHER SOMETHING.
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>> James: THAT'S IT.
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AFTER TONIGHT'S SHOW, WE'RE A YEAR AWAY FROM PIZZA HUT PUTTING
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A BEEF WELLINGTON INTO THE CRUST OF A PIZZA.
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>> YES.
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>> James: WHICH I'M INCREDIBLY EXCITED ABOUT.
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>> PATTON PENDING.
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>> James: SENSATIONAL.
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MOVING ON, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE HEADLINES.
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SOME BREAKING NEWS FROM CAPITOL HILL.
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THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES PASSED A HISTORIC BILL TODAY
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THAT WOULD DECRIMINALIZE THE USE OF CANNABIS.
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(APPLAUSE) YEAH.
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THE HOUSE WAS LIKE "ALL THOSE OPPOSED SAY "NAY."
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ALL THOSE IN FAVOR SAY "COOL...
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COOL..."
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"YEAH, WHATEVER, MAN" ( LAUGHTER )
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"SURE, YEAH, I'M DOWN."
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THE MEASURE IS NOT EXPECTED TO PASS INTO LAW.
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OR SHOULD I SAY, IT IS NOT EXPECTED TO "PUFF, PUFF, PASS"
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INTO LAW.
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EVEN STILL, NANCY PELOSI WAS LIKE, "THIS IS ENOUGH TO PROVE
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THAT WE'RE COOL THOUGH, RIGHT?" AND DID YOU GUYS SEE THIS?
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LAST NIGHT, JOE BIDEN AND KAMALA HARRIS GAVE THEIR FIRST SIT-DOWN
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INTERVIEW TOGETHER SINCE THE ELECTION.
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AND DURING THE INTERVIEW, BIDEN SAID HE WILL ASK AMERICANS TO
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WEAR A MASK FOR HIS FIRST 100 DAYS IN OFFICE.
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>> MY INCLINATION, JAKE, IS ON THE FIRST DAY I'M INAUGURATED TO
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SAY I'M GOING TO ASK THE PUBLIC FOR 100 DAYS TO MASK, JUST 100
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DAYS TO MASK.
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NOT FOREVER, 100 DAYS.
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>> James: AND ALL THE ANTIMASKERS WERE
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LIKE, "JUST 100?
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SURE!
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WE'RE REASONABLE PEOPLE."
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( LAUGHTER ) BIDEN WILL ASK EVERYONE TO WEAR
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MASKS FOR 100 DAYS, SO IF YOU'VE BEEN TOYING WITH THE IDEA OF
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ADULT BRACES, FEBRUARY FEELS LIKE YOUR MOMENT.
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>> YES!
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( LAUGHTER ) >> James: THE ONLY WAY THIS
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WILL ACTUALLY WORK IS IF THERE'S A BIG PRIZE
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AT THE END OF THE 100 DAYS.
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YOU KNOW, SOMETHING FUN, LIKE A JETSKI.
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OR THE END OF A GLOBAL PANDEMIC.
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( LAUGHTER ) AT ANOTHER POINT IN THE
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INTERVIEW, JAKE TAPPER ASKED THE PRESIDENT-ELECT HOW HE RECENTLY
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INJURED HIS FOOT, AND BIDEN HAD THIS ODD ANECDOTE TO SHARE.
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>> HOW IS YOUR FOOT AND WHAT HAPPENED?
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>> WHAT HAPPENED WAS I GOT OUT OF THE SHOWER -- I'VE GOT A DOG,
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AND ANYBODY THAT'S BEEN AROUND MY HOUSE KNOWS, THE LITTLE PUP
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DROPPED THE BALL IN FRONT OF ME AND FOR ME TO GRAB THE BALL.
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AND I'M WALKING THROUGH THIS LITTLE ALLEYWAY TO GET TO THE
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BEDROOM AND I GRABBED THE BALL LIKE THIS AND HE RAN AND I WAS
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JOKING RUNNING AFTER HIM TO GRAB HIS TAIL.
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AND WHAT HAPPENED WAS HE SLIPPED ON A THROW RUG AND I TRIPPED ON
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THE RUG HE SLID ON.
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THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.
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>> OH, MAN.
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NOT A VERY EXCITING STORY.
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>> JAMES: I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS.
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MY MAIN TAKEAWAY IS WE DIDN'T REALLY NEED THE SHOWER
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BIT OF THAT STORY.
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THAT SHOWER PART IS ABSOLUTELY UNNECESSARY.
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THERE'S NO NEED TO SAY YOU'RE IN A SHOWER.
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YOU JUST SAY, I WAS CHASING MY DOG AND TRIPPED OVER HIM.
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NOW WE'RE JUST IMAGINING JOE BIDEN RUNNING AROUND WET AND
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NAKED.
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( LAUGHTER ) BUT ALSO, WHY DOES JOE BIDEN
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HAVE AN "ALLEYWAY" INSIDE HIS HOUSE?
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IT'S CALLED A HALLWAY, ISN'T IT?
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THIS IS ALL STARTING TO SOUND SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE MALARKEY TO
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ME, AND THAT WAS THE ONE THING HE
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PROMISED US.
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-- PROMISED US HE WOULD NOT DO.
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BUT THIS DOES BRING UP AN INTERESTING QUESTION.
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WHAT DO WE THINK JOE BIDEN DOES SHOWER GEL-WISE?
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DO YOU THINK HE'S A SHOWER GEL GUY?
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WHAT DO YOU THINK HAGAR?
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I THINK HE'S A BAR SOAP MAN.
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HE USES IT TILL IT'S THE SIZE OF A GUITAR PICK.
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YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
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WHAT'S YOUR SHOWER ROUTINE?
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OR ARE YOU A BATH GUY?
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>> Reggie: I DON'T LIKE BATHS.
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>> James: REALLY.
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>> Reggie: NO.
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>> James: DON'T LIKE A BATH?
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>> Reggie: I WOULD LIKE TO, SOUNDS SO RO ROMANTIC AND COZY,T
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IT JUST TAKES TOO LONG.
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>> James: WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU GOT TO DO N NOWADAYS?
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( LAUGHTER ) BUT I ENJOY -- I LIKE A SOAK.
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I LIKE A SOAK.
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I ALSO LIKE TESTING MY BODY.
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I LIKE GETTING IN, THAT'S TOO HOT, DON'T GET OUT, WAIT, LET
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YOUR BODY GET USED TO IT -- AAAHHH!
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, AAAHHH!
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AAAHHH!
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ACTUALLY, IT'S OKAY, IT'S NOT TOO BAD, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
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THE OTHER THING IS COLD, THAT'S WHAT I ENJOY.
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( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, PRESIDENT TRUMP AND
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VICE PRESIDENT PENCE ARE HEADING DOWN TO GEORGIA THIS WEEKEND TO
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CAMPAIGN FOR THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES IN THE SENATE RUNOFF
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ELECTION.
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THE BEST PART OF THIS STORY IS THAT WE DON'T HAVE TO GIVE A
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SINGLE (BLEEP) ABOUT WHAT TRUMP AND PENCE ARE UP TO ANYMORE.
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I MEAN, TECHNICALLY, BOTH OF THEM WILL BE CAMPAIGNING IN
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GEORGIA.
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BUT I THINK WE KNOW, REALLY, IT'S ALL ABOUT THAT
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LIGHTNING-IN-A-BOTTLE CHARISMA OF MIKE PENCE.
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( LAUGHTER ) DONALD TRUMP IS GOING, PENCE
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WILL BE SPEAKING, GET IN THE CAR.
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THE WAY IT'LL WORK IS LIKE THIS: TRUMP WILL RANT AT A RALLY FOR
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90 MINUTES ABOUT ELECTION FRAUD AND HOW THE WHOLE THING IS
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RIGGED, AND THEN PENCE WILL BE LIKE, "SO GET OUT TO THE POLLS!"
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VOTE!
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( LAUGHTER ) AND WE WANTED TO SHOW YOU THIS,
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A NORDSTROM AD FOR ELBOW-LENGTH RED GLOVES IS BEING MOCKED AS A
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"MURDER DRESS," AND I THINK YOU'LL SEE WHY.
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HERE IT IS HERE.
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IT DOES LOOK LIKE SOMETHING YOU'D WEAR TO KILL SOMEONE.
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EITHER THAT OR TO ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATE A COW.
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( LAUGHTER ) AND THE LOOK IS PRETTY
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VERSATILE.
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YOU CAN GO STRAIGHT FROM PUSHING YOUR THIRD HUSBAND OFF A BOAT TO
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THE RED CARPET.
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( LAUGHTER ) I DO THINK MURDERERS -- I DO
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FEEL LIKE -- ( LAUGHTER )
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I DO THINK THAT MURDERERS ARE A GROUP OFTEN OVERLOOKED BY
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ADVERTISERS.
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DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
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THEY'RE RARELY SPOKEN TO.
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>> Reggie: YEAH.
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>> James: NO ONE EVER GOES, THIS IS GREAT, BUT ARE WE
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IGNORING MURDERERS HERE?
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SUSAN IS LOOKING AT ME LIKE THI- ( LAUGHTER )
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YOU FEEL THEY ARE TARGETED TO, SUSAN?
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>> IT TOOK A TURN, THE WHOLE SHOW.
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( LAUGHTER ) >> James: IT TOOK A TURN.
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YOU'RE RIGHT SUSAN, IT TOOK A TURN.
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HERE'S A FUN STORY WE SAW.
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DO YOU REMEMBER THOSE 12-FOOT-TALL SKELETONS THAT
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BECAME A HOT-SELLING ITEM FOR HALLOWEEN?
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WELL, SURPRISINGLY, PEOPLE ARE HAVING A HARD TIME FINDING A
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PLACE TO STORE THEM NOW.
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SO, THEY'RE JUST INCORPORATING THEM INTO THEIR HOLIDAY DECOR.
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FOR EXAMPLE, HERE: THERE.
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AND THEN THERE'S THIS ONE.
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AND THIS ONE, ALSO.
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I MEAN, YOU THOUGHT YOUR KIDS HAD TROUBLE
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GETTING TO SLEEP ON CHRISTMAS EVE BEFORE.
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( LAUGHTER ) PEOPLE HAVE 12-FOOT SKELETONS
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JUST TAKING UP SPACE IN THEIR HOUSE.
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YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SOUNDS LIKE?
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GUYS?
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SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF DEAD WEIGHT.
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(RIM SHOT) I'M NOT PROUD OF IT.
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GIVE ME A BREAK.
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( LAUGHTER ) PEOPLE EVERYWHERE ARE LOOKING AT
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THOSE DISPLAYS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, THAT IS REALLY CREEPY."
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EXCEPT IN L.A., WHERE THEY'RE LIKE, "LOOKING GOOD!
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ALMOST TO YOUR GOAL WEIGHT.
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I LOVE THIS FOR YOU!
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YOU LOOK FANTASTIC!
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TWO MORE WEEKS YOU'LL BE MUAH!" ( LAUGHTER )
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AND FINALLY, WE HAVE AN UPDATE ON A VERY IMPORTANT STORY WE
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BROUGHT YOU EARLIER IN THE WEEK.
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NOBODY ELSE HAD THE COURAGE TO BRING YOU THIS STORY, BUT WE
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DID.
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WE MET IT HEAD ON AND WERE BRAVE ENOUGH WHEN WE TOLD YOU ABOUT
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THE SEVEN-FOOT-TALL MOUNTAINTOP SCULPTURE OF A PENIS THAT WENT
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MISSING IN GERMANY?
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POLICE WERE INVESTIGATING AND NOBODY KNEW WHERE IT WENT.
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WELL, WE'RE PLEASED TO REPORT, A NEW, SLIGHTLY LARGER PENIS HAS
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MYSTERIOUSLY APPEARED IN ITS PLACE.
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HERE IT IS HERE.
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LOOK AT THIS!
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IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!
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( APPLAUSE ) I DON'T KNOW HOW OR WHY THE
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PENIS ENDED UP GETTING BIGGER...
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BUT I WOULD LIKE TO LEARN MORE.
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( LAUGHTER ) CAN WE SEE THAT MOUNTAIN-TOP
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SCULPTURE AGAIN?
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LOOK AT THAT.
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I'M NOT SURE WHERE IT CAME FROM BUT I THINK ONE OF THOSE GIANT
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CHRISTMAS SKELETONS MIGHT BE MISSING A BONE.
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( LAUGHTER ) THE MOUNTAIN HAS A NEW, LARGER
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PENIS.
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IT'S CLICHEÉ, BUT IT WAS EITHER THIS, OR THE MOUNTAIN WAS GOING
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TO BUY AN EXPENSIVE SPORTS CAR.
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( LAUGHTER ) THAT IS A TERRIBLE GRAPHIC JOKE.
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THAT IS.
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CAN WE SEE THAT GRAPHIC AGAIN?
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THAT IS -- IF YOU SHOWED THAT TO SOMEONE WITHOUT THE CONTEXT, NO
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ONE WOULD GO, OH, THAT'S CLEARLY A MOUNTAIN SPORTS CAR.
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WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?
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>> I THINK IT WORKS, HE'S HAVING A NICE TIME.
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>> James: HE'S HAVING■ A NICE TIME.
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IS THAT WHAT YOU JUST SAID?
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WE LOVE THAT YOU'RE HERE AND WE'LL BA B RIGHT BACK WITH KEVIN
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BACON, EVERYBODY!