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Joe Kowan: I have stage fright.
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I've always had stage fright,
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and not just a little bit,
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it's a big bit.
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And it didn't even matter until I was 27.
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That's when I started writing songs, and even then
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I only played them for myself.
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Just knowing my roommates were in the same house made me uncomfortable.
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But after a couple of years, just writing songs wasn't enough.
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I had all these stories and ideas, and I wanted to share them with people,
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but physiologically, I couldn't do it.
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I had this irrational fear.
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But the more I wrote, and the more I practiced,
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the more I wanted to perform.
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So on the week of my 30th birthday,
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I decided I was going to go to this local open mic,
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and put this fear behind me.
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Well, when I got there, it was packed.
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There were like 20 people there.
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(Laughter)
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And they all looked angry.
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But I took a deep breath, and I signed up to play,
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and I felt pretty good.
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Pretty good, until about 10 minutes before my turn,
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when my whole body rebelled, and this wave of anxiety just washed over me.
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Now, when you experience fear, your sympathetic nervous system kicks in.
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So you have a rush of adrenaline, your heart rate increases,
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your breathing gets faster.
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Next your non-essential systems start to shut down, like digestion. (Laughter)
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So your mouth gets dry, and blood is routed away from your extremities,
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so your fingers don't work anymore.
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Your pupils dilate, your muscles contract, your Spidey sense tingles,
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basically your whole body is trigger-happy. (Laughter)
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That condition is not conducive to performing folk music.
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(Laughter)
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I mean, your nervous system is an idiot.
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Really? Two hundred thousand years of human evolution, and it still can't tell the difference
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between a saber tooth tiger and 20 folksingers
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on a Tuesday night open mic?
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(Laughter)
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I have never been more terrified -- until now.
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(Laughter and cheers)
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So then it was my turn,
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and somehow, I get myself onto the stage, I start my song,
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I open my mouth to sing the first line,
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and this completely horrible vibrato --
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you know, when your voice wavers -- comes streaming out.
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And this is not the good kind of vibrato, like an opera singer has,
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this is my whole body just convulsing with fear.
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I mean, it's a nightmare.
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I'm embarrassed, the audience is clearly uncomfortable,
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they're focused on my discomfort.
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It was so bad.
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But that was my first real experience as a solo singer-songwriter.
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And something good did happen -- I had the tiniest little glimpse
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of that audience connection that I was hoping for.
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And I wanted more. But I knew I had to get past this nervousness.
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That night I promised myself: I would go back every week
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until I wasn't nervous anymore.
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And I did. I went back every single week,
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and sure enough, week after week,
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it didn't get any better. The same thing happened every week. (Laughter)
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I couldn't shake it.
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And that's when I had an epiphany.
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And I remember it really well, because I don't have a lot of epiphanies. (Laughter)
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All I had to do was write a song that exploits my nervousness.
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That only seems authentic when I have stage fright,
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and the more nervous I was,
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the better the song would be. Easy.
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So I started writing a song about having stage fright.
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First, fessing up to the problem,
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the physical manifestations, how I would feel,
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how the listener might feel.
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And then accounting for things like my shaky voice,
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and I knew I would be singing about a half-octave higher than normal,
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because I was nervous.
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By having a song that explained what was happening to me,
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while it was happening,
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that gave the audience permission to think about it.
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They didn't have to feel bad for me because I was nervous,
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they could experience that with me,
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and we were all one big happy, nervous, uncomfortable family. (Laughter)
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By thinking about my audience, by embracing and exploiting my problem,
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I was able to take something that was blocking my progress,
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and turn it into something that was essential for my success.
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And having the stage fright song let me get past that biggest issue
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right in the beginning of a performance.
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And then I could move on, and play the rest of my songs
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with just a little bit more ease.
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And eventually, over time, I didn't have to play the stage fright song at all.
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Except for when I was really nervous, like now. (Laughter)
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Would it be okay if I played the stage fright song for you?
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(Applause)
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Can I have a sip of water?
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(Music)
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Thank you.
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♫ I'm not joking, you know, ♫
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♫ this stage fright is real. ♫
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♫ And if I'm up here trembling and singing, ♫
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♫ well, you'll know how I feel. ♫
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♫ And the mistake I'd be making, ♫
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♫ the tremolo caused by my whole body shaking. ♫
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♫ As you sit there feeling embarrassed for me, ♫
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♫ well, you don't have to be. ♫
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♫ Well, maybe just a little bit. ♫
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(Laughter)
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♫ And maybe I'll try to imagine you all without clothes. ♫
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♫ But singing in front of all naked strangers scares me more than anyone knows. ♫
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♫ Not to discuss this at length, ♫
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♫ but my body image was never my strength. ♫
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♫ So frankly, I wish that you all would get dressed, ♫
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♫ I mean, you're not even really naked. ♫
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♫ And I'm the one with the problem. ♫
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♫ And you tell me, don't worry so much, you'll be great. ♫
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♫ But I'm the one living with me ♫
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♫ and I know how I get. ♫
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♫ Your advice is gentle but late. ♫
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♫ If not just a bit patronizing. ♫
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♫ And that sarcastic tone doesn't help me when I sing. ♫
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♫ But we shouldn't talk about these things right now, ♫
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♫ really, I'm up on stage, and you're in the crowd. Hi. ♫
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♫ And I'm not making fun of unnurtured, irrational fear, ♫
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♫ and if I wasn't ready to face this, ♫
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♫ I sure as hell wouldn't be here. ♫
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♫ But if I belt one note out clearly, ♫
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♫ you'll know I'm recovering slowly but surely. ♫
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♫ And maybe next week, I'll set my guitar ringin' ♫
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♫ my voice clear as water, and everyone singin'. ♫
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♫ But probably I'll just get up and start groovin', ♫
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♫ my vocal cords movin', ♫
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♫ at speeds slightly faster than sound. ♫
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(Applause)