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  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: YOU KNOW I LOVE ME

  • SOME CHUCK MANJION, JON.

  • SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.

  • >> Jon: WHERE YOU ARE?

  • WHERE YOU AT?

  • WHERE YOU AT?

  • >> Stephen: I'M RIGHT HERE.

  • DID THOSE BISCUITS WORK OUT?

  • >> Jon: MAN, IT WAS SO HOOKED UP, MAN.

  • HAVING THANKSGIVING, JUST ME AND MY LADIES, IT'S CRAZY TO HAVE SO

  • MUCH FOOD.

  • >> Stephen: DID YOU SAY, "ME AND MY LADIES IN?

  • DID YOU SAY MULTIPLE LADIES?

  • >> Jon: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

  • JUST ONE.

  • WE HAD 20 BISQUE I WANTS FOR TWO PEOPLE.

  • >> Stephen: I THINK-- I THINK WE GOT THEM MIXED UP.

  • I THINK YOU GOT MY BISCUIT ORDER, BECAUSE I HAD 10

  • BISCUITS, AND I HAD SIX PEOPLE.

  • SO, OKAY.

  • I HOPE YOU ATE THEM ALL, THOUGH.

  • >> Jon: NO, MAN, THANK YOU.

  • I REALLY, REALLY APPRECIATE THAT.

  • >> Stephen: I'M GLAD.

  • IT MAKES ME HAPPY TO KNOW YOU HAD THEM.

  • HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

  • LET'S DO SOME MORE.

  • >> Jon: HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

  • AND WE HAVE THE CAROL SEASON NOW.

  • YOU SEE THAT?

  • IT'S CAROL TIME.

  • >> Stephen: YOU HAVE A KALE FOR THE PEOPLE.

  • >> Jon: MAN, WHAT'S SOME GOOD ONES?

  • THAT'S WHAT GOOD PUBLIC DOMAINS ONE?

  • >> Stephen: "OH, COME, OCOME, EMANUEL."

  • YOU KNOW THAT ONE?" >> Jon: OH, YEAH.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,

  • EVERYBODY.

  • THANK YOU, JON.

  • YOU KNOW, MOST DAYS, I GATHER ONLY THE FINEST PIECES OF NEWS

  • IVORY FROM THE CARGO HOLD OF MY TOPICAL WHALING BOAT AND

  • METICULOUSLY CRAFT THEM INTO THE BEAUTIFUL, ELABORATE

  • SATIRICAL SCRIMSHAW THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

  • BUT NOW AND THEN, I LIKE TO JUST SHOVE MY UNGLOVED HAND INTO THE

  • JOURNALISTIC TROUGH OF FISH GUTS, PULL OUT SOME SALTY,

  • DISCARDED HEADLINE HUNKS, THEN GRIND THEM UP AND SCRAPE THEM

  • INTO THE CHUM BUCKET OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:

  • >> "QUARANTINEWHILE."

  • >> Stephen: QUARANTINEWHILE, BAD NEWS FOR SANTA-CON, THE ANNUAL

  • BAR CRAWL THAT DRAWS "AN ESTIMATED 30,000 SANTAS, OFTEN

  • LEADING TO PUBLIC URINATING, FIGHTS, AND SANTAS PASSING

  • OUT IN SUBWAY STATIONS."

  • BECAUSE NEW YORK'S SANTA-CON HAS BEEN CANCELED BY COVID-19."

  • SO JUST TO BE CLEAR: YOU AND YOUR FAMILY, WHO WENT AHEAD WITH

  • THANKSGIVING, ARE LESS RESPONSIBLE THAN 30,000 WASTED

  • SANTAS.

  • BUT PERHAPS NOT A HUGE LOSS TO THE CITY GIVEN THE VISIONS OF

  • SANTA-CONS-PAST.

  • ( HORNS BEEPING ) ♪ VIOLENT FIGHTS

  • SANTA BITESCUZ HE'S BLITZED

  • ON 12 BUD LIGHTSSOUND BETTER IN GERMAN.

  • SO, KIDS, REMEMBER, IF YOU'RE NAUGHTY, SANTA'S NO LONGER

  • WASTING TIME WITH LUMPS OF COAL.

  • HE WILL CURB-STOMP YOUR LITTLE ASS.

  • QUARANTINEWHILE, "FLORIDA'S FIRST SNOW PARK HAD TO UPDATE

  • ITS OPERATING HOURS" BECAUSE THEY "DID NOT HAVE ENOUGH SNOW."

  • I GOTTA SAY, BUILDING A SNOW PARK IN FLORIDA IS THE MOST

  • FLORIDA THING ANYONE'S EVER DONE.

  • HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

  • THE OPERATORS OF THE PARK SAY THEY GOT INTO THIS PICKLE

  • BECAUSE THEY-- QUOTE-- "'MIS-ESTIMATED' SNOW

  • PRODUCTION."

  • SO THEY MAY BE THE DUMBEST SNOW PARK OPERATORS EVER, BUT THEY

  • DID INSPIRE ONE OF THE HALLMARK CHANNEL'S 300 HOLIDAY MOVIES:

  • "A VERY MIS-ESTIMATED CHRISTMAS."

  • STORY OF A BIG-CITY SNOW ENGINEER FINDS OUT IT'S NOT SO

  • EASY TO RUN A SNOW PARK IN CENTRAL FLORIDA.

  • BUT WHEN SHE MEETS A HANDSOME LOCAL MISTLETOE SALESMAN WITH A

  • DARK PAST, SHE REALIZES THE THING THAT SHE MIS-ESTIMATED

  • MOST WAS LOVE.

  • QUARANTINEWHILE, THE INTERNETS ARE AGOG OVER THE ANNOUNCEMENT

  • OF THIS BRAND-NEW "$550 MILLION MEGA-YACHT THAT LOOKS LIKE A

  • SHARK.

  • THE MEGA-YACHT IS EQUIPPED WITH ITS OWN PORT WITH ENOUGH SPACE

  • FOR A SECOND YACHT."

  • PLUS "SIX DECKS, THREE POOLS, AND THREE HELICOPTER

  • HANGARS."

  • PERFECT FOR ANYONE SAYING, "I WANT A YACHT THAT JASON BOURNE

  • WOULD MURDER ME ON."

  • IT LOOKS LIKE A YACHT ON TOP OF ANOTHER YACHT, LESS LIKE A

  • SHARK, MORE LIKE TWO YACHTS STACKED.

  • QUARANTINEWHILE, "ASTRONOMERS HAVE CREATED A NEW 'ATLAS OF

  • THE UNIVERSE' FEATURING A MILLION PREVIOUSLY UNDISCOVERED

  • GALAXIES BEYOND THE MILKY WAY" "TO CREATE A 'GOOGLE MAPS' OF

  • THE NIGHT SKY."

  • GREAT NEWS FOR SCIENCE.

  • TERRIBLE NEWS FOR THE LITTLE GOOGLE STREET-VIEW GUY WHO WAS

  • DROPPED NEAR ANDROMEDA AND NOW DRIFTS FOREVER ALONE, HIS

  • SCREAMS SWALLOWED BY THE INDIFFERENT ICY VOID.

  • BONUS: IT WILL EVEN GIVE YOU THE FASTEST BIKE ROUTE BETWEEN HERE

  • AND NGC-1300.

  • IT'S 3.5 TIMES 10 TO THE POWER OF 19 HOURS AWAY, BUT 3.5 TIMES

  • 10 TO THE POWER OF 18 IF YOU AVOID THE TRIBOROUGH BRIDGE.

  • QUARANTINEWHILE, THIS WEEKEND IN BRUSSELS, BELGIUM, A "LAWMAKER

  • AND DIPLOMATS FLED A POLICE RAID ON A COVID LOCKDOWN ORGY."

  • PLEASE, IF YOU DO ATTEND A COVID LOCKDOWN ORGY, BE SURE TO WASH

  • ALL YOUR ANONYMOUS SEX PARTNERS WHILE SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"

  • TWICE.

  • ODDS ARE THEY ARE INTO THAT.

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BRYAN CRANSTON.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: YOU KNOW I LOVE ME

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B2 jon yacht stephen park santa estimated

Quarantinewhile... Will Anyone Miss SantaCon This Year?

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/12/02
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