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  • ♪ ♪

  • ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK,

  • EVERYBODY!

  • YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS, TIME TO SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.

  • HELLO, JON, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

  • >> Jon: HEY!

  • HEAR THAT?

  • ♪ ♪

  • ♪ >> Stephen: WHAT BEAT IS THAT?

  • WHAT RHYTHM IS THAT?

  • CLOV?

  • >> Jon: YEAH, YEAH!

  • HEY, HEY!

  • >> Stephen: I HAVE A SERIOUS QUESTION FOR YOU.

  • REMEMBER LAST NIGHT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THOSE BISCUITS

  • FROM CHARLESTON.

  • >> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS.

  • OH, YES, YES.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, SO I GOT FAMILY WORKING ON THIS, BUT THEY

  • NEED TO KNOW, DOES THIS GO TO KENNER OR IS THIS GOING UP HERE?

  • WHICH WAY DO YOU WANT IT TO GO?

  • >> IT WOULD BE NICE TO GIVE SOME TO THE FAMILY.

  • I WON'T BE DOWN.

  • I WON'T BE AT KENNER, BUT IT WOULD BE NICE TO GIVE SOME TO

  • THE FAMILY.

  • >> Stephen: WE WOULD SEND TWO.

  • WE'VE GOT TOP MAN ON IT RIGHT NOW.

  • >> Jon: OH, YEAH.

  • I GOT THE BOOK, TOO!

  • THE BOOK!

  • WOW!

  • >> Stephen: DID YOU GET IT?

  • >> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS!

  • THOSE SONGS, THAT'S GOING TO -- THAT IS GOING TO ENRICH MY LIFE

  • IN WAYS I DON'T EVEN KNOW YET, SO THANK YOU.

  • >> Stephen: I'M SO GLAD YOU LIKE IT.

  • IT'S DEEP, ISN'T IT?

  • >> Jon: IT'S VERY, VERY DEEP.

  • SUCH AN INCREDIBLE HISTORY, SO MUCH TO LEARN FROM THAT AND THE

  • COMBINATION OF MY HISTORY, IT'S AMAZING.

  • >> Stephen: FOR PEOPLE WONDERING, I GAVE JOHN A BOOK

  • CALLED "AIN'T YOU GOT A RIGHT TO THE TREE OF LIFE," WHICH IS A

  • BOOK OF INTERVIEWS WITH GULLA PEOPLE WHO LIVED ON THE COAST IN

  • THE '60s AND THE SONGS THEY SANG.

  • THOUGHT YOU WOULD ENJOY THAT.

  • >> Jon: THANK YOU, THAT'S AMAZING.

  • >> Stephen: CAN'T GET THAT IN HARDBACK ANYMORE, BUDDY.

  • >> Jon: OH!

  • I'M A COLLECTOR!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON.

  • BYE!

  • YOU KNOW, EVERY DAY I TAKE EXTENSIVE M.R.I.'S OF THE DAY'S

  • BIGGEST STORIES, ORDER THOROUGH TOPICAL BLOODWORK, AND RUN A

  • FULL WORK-UP OF STORY DIAGNOSTICS TO CREATE FOR YOU

  • THE COMPREHENSIVE NEWS WELLNESS EVALUATION THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

  • BUT SOMETIMES, IT'S NICE TO JUST WALK DOWN TO THE OVERPASS IN MY

  • ROBE AND GET IN THE VAN OF A GUY WHO CLAIMS HE HAS AN ASSOCIATE

  • DEGREE IN EQUINE MEDICINE FOR THE UNLICENSED PROSTATE EXAM OF

  • NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, AMAZON IS NOW SELLING PRESCRIPTION DRUGS.

  • WHICH MIGHT SOUND GOOD, BUT I CAN DEFINITELY SEE A DOWNSIDE TO

  • MAKING ALEXA YOUR DRUG DEALER.

  • >> DID YOU GO TO CVS YESTERDAY?

  • I THOUGHT WE HAD AN ARRANGEMENT.

  • I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO CUT A (BLEEP).

  • >> Stephen: IF YOU THINK WHAT GAMERS NEED THE LORD, GOOD NEWS,

  • SOME GAMERS ARE BRINGING JESUS TO TWITCH."

  • JESUS IS A PERFECT VIDEO GAME CHARACTER.

  • HE HAD A CLEAR MISSION, HE FOUGHT EVIL, HE HAD EXTRA LIVES,

  • AND WHEN HE EATS THE MAGIC FLOWER HE CAN SHOOT FIREBALLS.

  • THESE GAME-VANGELISTS ARE PART OF "GOD-MODE ACTIVATED," A GROUP

  • DEDICATED TO "ACTIVATING GAMERS IN FAITH," AND WHO USE STREAMING

  • PLATFORMS TO SPREAD THE GOSPEL WHILE PLAYING "FORTNITE."

  • THE PERFECT VENUE TO SPREAD JESUS' MESSAGE TO THE PHARISEES:

  • "BLESSED ARE THEY WHO RACK UP THE HIGHEST KILL COUNT AND DO

  • THE SICKEST DANCES OVER THE BODIES OF THEIR ENEMIES."

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, A NEW REPORT HAS FOUND THAT PLATYPUS FUR

  • GLOWS GREEN UNDER U.V. LIGHT.

  • WHICH IS GOING TO MAKE FOR A SUPER MESSED UP SCENE ON "C.S.I.

  • BRISBANE."

  • LOOKS LIKE THIS ORNITHORYNCHIDAE IS...

  • ORNITHORYNCHI-DEAD.

  • ♪ >> YEAAHHH!

  • >> Stephen: NO, HE PUTS THEM ON THEN SAYS IT.

  • HONEY, WE HAVE A TEAM ON THIS.

  • CAN YOU RESEARCH THAT?

  • DID IT RIGHT?

  • THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

  • NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING-- STEPHEN, WHY ARE THESE PEOPLE

  • SHINING U.V. LIGHTS ON PLATYPUSES?

  • AS ONE OF THE RESEARCHERS EXPLAINED, "IT WAS A MIX OF

  • SERENDIPITY AND CURIOSITY."

  • BUDDY, THAT'S A LOT OF $10 WORDS JUST TO SAY "ME 'N DALE GOT HIGH

  • IN THE LAB."

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, K.F.C. IS GOING TO BE SERVING FRIED

  • CHICKEN IN REPLICAS OF ITS HOLIDAY-THEMED BUCKETS FROM

  • 1966 AND 1971.

  • A SPOKESPERSON FOR THE CHICKEN PEOPLE SAID "WE HOPE OUR HOLIDAY

  • BUCKETS HELP EVERYONE HARK BACK TO A SIMPLER TIME."

  • AH, YES, THE LATE '60S: A SIMPLER TIME OF RACIAL CONFLICT,

  • POLITICAL ASSASSINATIONS, AND BEING TOO BUSY SMOKING

  • UNFILTERED CAMEL CIGARETTES TO CARE WHAT FRIED CHICKEN WAS

  • DOING TO US.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, WE HERE AT "MEANWHILE CLOUD-BASED

  • CONTRACTING, CLICK-AND-MORTAR INNOVATION CONSORTIUM

  • INCORPORATED" SOMETIMES ACQUIRE SO MANY OWL-RELATED STORIES, WE

  • COLLECT THEM IN OUR QUARANTINE-WHILE SUB-SUB

  • SEGMENT: "MEANWH-OWL."

  • MEANWH-OWL, CENTRAL PARK'S NEW CELEBRITY BIRD IS BARRY THE

  • BARRED OWL.

  • SO MAJESTIC!

  • AND A MAJOR IMPROVEMENT OVER CENTRAL PARK'S OLD CELEBRITY

  • BIRD, ALAN, THE CHAIN-SMOKING PIGEON.

  • MEANWH-OWL, "A TINY OWL WAS SAVED AFTER GETTING STUCK IN THE

  • ROCKEFELLER CENTER TREE."

  • LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT HIM-- AWWWWW!

  • LOOK AT HOW TINY HE IS.

  • HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF THAT LIL'

  • GUY?

  • THAT FIRST PICTURE WAS TAKEN IMMEDIATELY AFTER HE WAS REMOVED

  • FROM HIS MIDTOWN RENT-CONTROLLED TREE.

  • AND HERE HE IS AT THE MOMENT HE FOUND OUT HOW MUCH A STUDIO

  • APARTMENT COSTS IN NEW YORK.

  • SO HE HAS BEEN MOVED TO A SANCTUARY UPSTATE, WHERE HE IS

  • LOOKING MUCH BETTER!

  • WHAT A GLOW-UP!

  • MICHAEL B. JORDAN IS LUCKY THE "SEXIEST MAN ALIVE" WAS

  • ANNOUNCED YESTERDAY, OR THAT COVER WOULD BE VERY DIFFERENT.

  • LADIES, HE'S NOCTURNAL.

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH LL COOL J.

  • ♪ ♪

♪ ♪

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Quarantinewhile... New Yorkers Have Two Famous Owls To Obsess Over

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/11/20
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