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  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,

  • WELCOME BACK!

  • LET'S SAY HELLO TO OUR FRIEND MR. JON BATISTE.

  • HELLO, JON.

  • >> Jon: YOU GOTTA HAVE A VISION, A VISION, A REVELATION.

  • >> Stephen: I'M HAVING A VISION, A REVELATION FOR MONDAY.

  • DO YOU KNOW WHAT I GET TO DO MONDAY, JON?

  • >> OH, MY GOODNESS, I HEARD.

  • >> Stephen: I'M GOING DOWN TO WASHINGTON, D.C., TO INTERVIEW

  • THIS MAN-- MR. BARACK OBAMA-- ABOUT HIS NEW BOOK "A PROMISE

  • LAND."

  • I GOT SO MANY DECISIONS O MAKE.

  • OBVIOUSLY, WHAT DO YOU ASK HIM?

  • THAT'S A BIGGIE.

  • BUT WHAT DO I WEAR?

  • DO I WEAR A SUIT?

  • HE'S THE FORMER PRESIDENT.

  • DO I WEAR A SUIT?

  • EVY SAYS I WEAR A SUIT.

  • >> NO TIE.

  • >> Stephen: SUIT, NO TIE MARX SAYS.

  • WHAT DO YOU SAY.

  • >> Jon: I SAY SUIT, NO TIE, UNBUTTON THE TOP BUTTON.

  • CASUAL BUT FORMAL.

  • >> Stephen: HOW ABOUT NO SHIRT, GO HARRY STYLES.

  • >> Jon: THAT WOULD BE A GOOD THING TO DO.

  • >> Stephen: ANYWAY, VERY EXCITED.

  • WOULD LOVE TO KNOW ANY QUESTIONS YOU WANT ME TO ASK HIM.

  • PLEASE, HIT ME, UP, OKAY.

  • >> Jon: ASK HIM ABOUT THAT JUMPER FROM THE CORNER?

  • YOU SEE HIM SINK THAT 3?

  • >> Stephen: I WILL, I WILL.

  • >> Jon: HOW MANY TAKES.

  • >> Stephen: I THINK THAT'S WHY BIDEN WON.

  • I THINK THAT WAS IT.

  • >> Jon: OH, SHOT HEARD AROUND THE WORLD.

  • >> Stephen: IT WAS MAGIC.

  • DO YOU HAVE ANY MUSIC TO SET THE SCENE FOR REST OF THE SHOW, SIR?

  • >> Jon: LET'S SEE...

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,

  • LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

  • THANK YOU, JON.

  • >> Jon: YES, INDEED.

  • LAY IT ON.

  • >> FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME TRACKING THE

  • TEMPERATURE AND FLOWERING PATTERNS OF THE MAPLE TREE OF

  • TOPICAL STORIES SO THAT I CAN KNOW THE EXACT PEAK MOMENT TO

  • TAP IT WITH MY SPILE.

  • I CAREFULLY OBSERVE THE FLOW OF STORY SAP INTO THE BUCKET AND

  • THEN TRANSFER THE INITIAL RUN TO ANOTHER STORAGE UNIT USING

  • CHEESECLOTH TO FILTER OUT ANY FOREIGN MATERIAL.

  • I THEN DIG A SMALL OUTDOOR FIRE PIT AND BOIL THE STORIES UNTIL

  • THEY ARE GOLDEN IN COLOR, BRING THEM INSIDE FOR A SECOND BOIL,

  • WHICH I CAREFULLY MONITOR UNTIL IT REACHES 7 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT

  • PAST THE BOILING POINT OF WATER AT MY CURRENT ELEVATION.

  • THEN, THEN I REMOVE ANY SEDIMENT, FILTER IT ONE LAST

  • TIME, AND TRANSFER IT TO BLOWN GLASS BOTTLES TO CREATE THE

  • GRADE-A MAPLE NEWS SYRUP THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

  • BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I LIKE TO JUST HEAD OUTSIDE WITH A FORK

  • AND SCRAPE SOME OF THE CRUSTED SAP OFF THE NEAREST PINE, MIX IT

  • WITH THE SODA AND BACKWASH LEFT IN A DENTED CAN OF FANTA ON THE

  • COUNTER, THEN DRIZZLE IT ON YESTERDAY'S PANCAKES TO CREATE

  • THE DRIFTER'S BREAKFAST TOPPING OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:

  • "QUARANTINE-WHILE!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, AN ART

  • RESTORATION IN PALENCIA, SPAIN, HAS GONE TERRIBLY AWRY.

  • SEE THE LADY SMILING AT HER ANIMALS AND HARVEST FRUIT?

  • WELL, AFTER THE RESTORATION, SHE NOW LOOKS LIKE THIS:

  • WHAT'S SPANISH FOR "FRYING PAN FACE?"

  • IT'S LIKE SOMEONE SLAPPED A BUTTER SCULPTURE ON A HOT DAY.

  • THIS SEEMS TO BE A REAL PROBLEM IN SPAIN.

  • WE ALL REMEMBER THAT COUNTRY'S OTHER FAMOUSLY BOTCHED

  • RESTORATION JOB: POTATO JESUS.

  • WHAT EXACTLY IS THE VETTING PROCESS FOR ART RESTORERS IN

  • SPAIN?

  • "SORRY, ESTABAN, I'M AFRAID IT APPEARS YOU HAVE A MASTERS IN

  • FINE ART, BOTH YOUR HANDS AND EYES, AND YOU'VE SEEN THE

  • ORIGINAL PIECE.

  • THAT KIND OF THING MIGHT FLY IN FRANCE, BUT WE'VE DECIDED TO GO

  • WITH AN INSANE MACAQUE HOLDING A PAINTBRUSH IN ITS TAIL."

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN BAD NEWS NEWS, MULTIPLE PEOPLE HAVE

  • TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVID-19 ON A CRUISE SHIP IN THE CARIBBEAN.

  • THAT HEADLINE AGAIN: "THING EVERYONE KNEW WOULD HAPPEN,

  • HAPPENS."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, VIDEO HAS GONE

  • VIRAL OF A HELICOPTER CARRYING A HEART FOR A TRANSPLANT PATIENT

  • THAT CRASHED ON THE ROOF OF AN L.A. HOSPITAL.

  • NO ONE WAS SERIOUSLY HURT, AND THE HEART WAS RECOVERED FROM THE

  • WRECKAGE AND HANDED OFF TO THIS DOCTOR, OKAY, WHO TREATED IT

  • WITH THE CARE AND CAUTION IT DESERVES-- THERE'S THE HANDOFF.

  • HE TRIPPED LIKE A CARTOON WAITER, SPILLING THE HEART ON

  • THE HELIPAD.

  • CALM DOWN!

  • CALM DOWN!

  • EVERYONE'S FINE.

  • GOOD NEWS: THE TRANSPLANT WAS A SUCCESS--

  • >> IT WAS DIRTY.

  • >> Stephen: BUT IT WOULD BE FUN TO BE THAT PATIENT.

  • YOU'RE GETTING AHEAD OF MY PUNCH LINE.

  • ( AS DOCTOR ) "YOUR PROCEDURE WENT GREAT,

  • THANKS TO YOUR CARDIOLOGIST, LARRY, AND HIS ATTENDINGS, MOE,

  • AND CURLY.

  • YOU MAY HAVE SOME DISCOMFORT IN YOUR CHEST, BUT THAT'S JUST THE

  • WET LEAVES AND HELICOPTER FUEL."

  • CAN'T ACTUALLY TALK.

  • YOU SAID ESSENTIALLY THE PUNCH LINE.

  • MAYBE YOU SHOULD WRITE IT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, WE WERE ALL EXCITED ABOUT THE NEWS OF

  • MODERNA'S NEW VACCINE.

  • AND IT TURNS OUT "DOLLY PARTON PARTLY FUNDED MODERNA'S COVID

  • VACCINE RESEARCH."

  • WHICH EXPLAINS WHY THE VACCINE ( TO TUNE OF "9 TO 5" )

  • WORKING 95 PERCENT OF THE TIME.

  • JOKE IS BASED ON A TRUE STORY.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, THE TWITTER WORLD IS A-TWATTING OVER THE

  • NEWS THAT "TWITTER JUST INTRODUCED 'FLEETS,' 'FLEETING

  • TWEETS' THAT DISAPPEAR FOREVER AFTER 24 HOURS," THE PERFECT

  • OPTION FOR USERS WHO FEEL REMORSE ABOUT SOMETHING THEY

  • POSTED."

  • JUST WHAT TWITTER NEEDS: PEOPLE SAYING THINGS TOO AWFUL TO

  • REMAIN ON TWITTER.

  • NOW, IF YOU'RE NOT ENTHUSED ABOUT THE IDEA OF FLEETS, DON'T

  • WORRY, BECAUSE TWITTER SAYS ITS MAIN "GLOBAL TOWN SQUARE"

  • SERVICE REMAINS ITS MARQUEE PRODUCT.

  • REALLY?

  • I GOT TO SAY, TWITTER MAKES FOR A PRETTY CRAPPY TOWN SQUARE.

  • "HEAR YE!

  • HEAR YE!

  • ( BELL RINGING ) TOASTER STRUDELS ARE BETTER THAN

  • POP TARTS.

  • AND ANYONE WHO DISAGREES IS A LIBERAL CUCK.

  • AND NOW, ENJOY A PICTURE OF MY BUTT."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THAT IS DAMN LOUD.

  • YOU CAN TALK ANY TIME YOU WANT DURING THIS.

  • I APOLOGIZE.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, CBS NEW YORK JUST BROKE THIS STORY RIGHT HERE

  • IN THE BIG APPLE.

  • >> ANOTHER ILLEGAL GATHERING IS BUSTED IN NEW YORK CITY.

  • THIS TIME, INVESTIGATORS SAY A SO-CALLED FIGHT CLUB WAS

  • OPERATING INSIDE OF A CROWDED BRONX WAREHOUSE.

  • >> Stephen: WELL, IT MAKES SENSE THAT THIS GOT OUT.

  • IT'S JUST LIKE TYLER DURDEN SAYS:

  • >> THE FIRST RULE OF FIGHT CLUB IS:

  • TELL CBS NEWS ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: BUT THE FIGHTING

  • ISN'T EVEN WHAT WILL SHOCK YOU MOST ABOUT WHAT WAS GOING ON AT

  • FIGHT CLUB.

  • >> INVESTIGATORS SAY THEY FOUND TWO HANDGUNS, DRUGS, AND

  • UNLICENSED ALCOHOL.

  • THEY ALSO SAY VERY FEW PEOPLE WERE WEARING MASKS.

  • >> Stephen: PLEASE, EVERYONE.

  • THIS HOLIDAY SEASON, WEAR A MASK WHILE YOU SMASH YOUR FELLOW

  • MAN'S FACE INTO A PULPY MUSH.

  • IT'S JUST COURTESY.

  • ALSO, NO BRINGING NANA TO FIGHT CLUB.

  • SHE'S IN A VULNERABLE GROUP.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, I'D LIKE TO MOVE ON TO MY ULTRA-RARE

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE SUBSEGMENT: "NAUGHTY POPE NEWS."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) TODAY'S NAUGHTY POPE NEWS: IT

  • APPEARS THE POPE JUST LIKED THIS PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM.

  • NOW, PEOPLE HAVE POINTED OUT THAT THE POPE DOES NOT

  • NECESSARILY CONTROL HIS OWN INSTAGRAM FEED, BUT FRANCIS

  • STILL OFFERED THIS COMPELLING EXPLANATION:

  • >> (translated): MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS,

  • REGARDING MY RECENT INSTAGRAM INCIDENT, I WANT TO ASSURE YOU

  • THAT I LIKE BIG BUTTS, AND I CANNOT LIE.

  • YOU OTHER BROTHERS-- BY WHICH I MEAN MONKS-- CAN'T DENY, WHEN A

  • GIRL WALKS IN WITH AN ITTY-BITTY WAIST AND A ROUND THING IN YOUR

  • FACE, YOU MUST EXAMINE YOUR CONSCIENCE.

  • >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A LOOK AT THE VICE

  • PRESIDENT-ELECT'S FASHION.

  • SORT OF.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,

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    林宜悉   posted on 2020/11/18
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