Oh, good. No one's started drinking yet.

Everyone's feeling kind of perky and excited.

Good, for I hope you'll remember what we talk about,

at least up to this point.

After that, you're on your own.

When I was about sixteen years old,

I can remember flipping through channels at home,

during summer vacation,

looking for a movie to watch on HBO.

And how many of you remember Ferris Bueller's Day Off?

Oh, yeah. Great movie, right?

Well, I saw Matthew Broderick on the screen,

and so I thought, "Sweet!

Ferris Bueller. I'll watch this!"

It wasn't Ferris Bueller. And forgive me, Matthew Broderick.

I know you've done other movies besides Ferris Bueller,

but that's how I remember you. You're Ferris.

But you weren't doing "Ferrisy" things at the time.

You were doing gay things at the time.

He was in a movie called Torch Song Trilogy.

And Torch Song Trilogy was based on a play

about this drag queen,

who, essentially, was looking for love.

Love and respect.

That's what the whole film was about.

And, as I'm watching it, I'm realizing

that they're talking about me.

Not the drag queen part.

I'm not shaving my hair for anyone.

But the gay part, the friendly love and respect,

the part about trying to find your place in the world.

So, as I'm watching this,

I see this powerful scene that brought me to tears,

and it's stuck with me for the past 25 years.

And it's this quote that the main character, Arnold,

tells his mother,

as they're fighting about who he is

and the life that he lives:

"There's one more thing you'd better understand.

I have taught myself to sew,

cook, fix plumbing, build furniture.

I can even pat myself on the back, when necessary.

Also, I don't have to ask anyone for anything.

There's nothing I need from anyone,

except for love and respect,

and anyone who can't give me those two things

has no place in my life."

I remember that scene like it was yesterday.

I was sixteen, I was in tears,

I was in the closet

and I'm looking at these two people,

Ferris Bueller and some guy I'd never seen before,

(Laughter)

fighting for love.

When I finally got to a place in my life

where I came out and accepted who I was

-- and was really quite happy, to tell you the truth,

I was happily gay and I guess that's supposed to be right,

because "gay" means "happy" too --,

I realized that a lot of people weren't as gay as I was,

"gay" being "happy", not "gay" being

attracted to the same sex.

(Laughter)

In fact, I heard that there was a lot of hate

and a lot of anger and a lot of frustration

and a lot of fear about who I was

and the gay lifestyle.

Now, I'm sitting here trying to figure out,

"the gay lifestyle", "the gay lifestyle".

And I keep hearing this word over and over and over again,

"lifestyle", "lifestyle", lifestyle".

I've even heard a politicians say

that the gay lifestyle is a greater threat

to civilization than terrorism.

That's when I got scared!

(Laughter)

Because I'm thinking,

"If I'm gay,

and I'm doing something that's going to destroy civilization,

I need to figure out what this stuff is

and I need to stop doing it right now!"

(Laughter)

So, I took a look at my life,

a hard look at my life,

and I saw some things very disturbing.

[The Super-Duper Evil Gay Lifestyle] (Laughter)

And I want to begin sharing these evil things

that I've been doing with you,

starting with my mornings.

(Laughter)

I drink coffee.

Not only do I drink coffee,

I know other gay people who drink coffee.

(Laughter)

I get stuck in traffic.

Evil, evil traffic!

Sometimes I get stuck in lines at airports!

I look around and I go, "My God!

Look at all these gay people!

We're all trapped in these lines,

these long lines, trying to get into the airplane!

My God! This lifestyle that I'm living

is so freaking evil!"

(Laughter)

I clean up.

This is not an actual photograph of my son's room.

His is messier.

(Laughter)

And, because I have a fifteen-year-old,

all I do is cook, and cook, and cook.

Any parents out there of teenagers?

All we do is cook for these people!

They eat two, three, four dinners a night!

It's ridiculous! (Laughter)

This is the gay lifestyle.

And after I'm done cooking,

and cleaning, and standing in line,

and getting stuck in traffic,

my partner and I, we get together

and we decide that we're going to go

and have some wild and crazy fun.

(Laughter)

We're used to be in bed before we find out who's eliminated on American Idol.

(Laughter)

We have to wake up and find out the next day

who's still on, because we're too freaking tired

to hear who stays on.

This is the super-duper, evil gay lifestyle. (Laughter)

Run for your heterosexual lives, people!

(Laughter)

(Applause)

When my partner Steve and I first started dating,

he told me the story about penguins.

And I didn't know where he was going with it at first.

He was kind of a little bit nervous when he was sharing it with me.

But he told me that, when a penguin finds a mate

that they want to spend the rest of their life with,

they present them with a pebble.

The perfect pebble.

And then he reaches into his pocket

and he brings this out to me.

And I looked at it and I was like,

"This is really cool."

And he says, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

So, I wear this whenever I have to do something

that makes me a little nervous,

like, I don't know, a TEDx talk. (Laughter)

I wear this when I am apart from him

for a long period of time,

and sometimes I just wear it just because.

How many people out there are in love?

Anyone in love out there?

You might be gay.

(Laughter)

Because I too am in love

and, apparently, that's part of the gay lifestyle

I warned you about. (Laughter)

(Applause)

You may want to tell your spouse,

who, if they're in love, might be gay as well.

How many of you are single?

Any single people out there?

You too might be gay,

because I know some gay people who are also single.

It's really scary, this gay lifestyle thing.

It's super-duper evil

and there's no end to it.

It goes and goes and engulfs [us].

It's really quite silly, isn't it?

That's why I'm so happy

to finally hear President Obama come out and say...

(Applause) (Cheering)

that he supports marriage equality.

It's a wonderful day in our country's history,

it's a wonderful day in the globe's history

to be able to have an actual sitting president

say "Enough of this",

first to himself and then to the rest of the world.

It's wonderful.

But there's something that's been disturbing me

since he made that remark just a short time ago.

And that is, apparently, this is just another move

by the gay activists that's on the "Gay Agenda".

And I'm disturbed by this

because I have been openly gay now for quite some time.

I've been to all of the functions.

I've been to fundraisers,

I've written about the topic

and I have yet to receive my copy of this "Gay Agenda".

(Laughter)

I've paid my dues on time...

(Laughter)

I've marched in gay pride flags,

parades and the whole nine,

and I have yet to see a copy of the "Gay Agenda".

I was very, very frustrated.

I was feeling left out like I wasn't quite gay enough.

But then, something wonderful happened.

I was out shopping, as I tend to do,

and I came across a booklet copy

of the official Gay Agenda.

And I said to myself, "LZ, for so long,

you have been denied this.

When you get in front of this crowd,

you're going to share the news,

you're going to spread the Gay Agenda,

so no one else has to wonder,

'What exactly is in the Gay Agenda?'

'What are these gays up to?' (Laughter)

'What do they want?'"

So, without further ado,

I will present to you, ladies and gentlemen,

-- and be careful, because it's evil --

a copy, the official copy of the Gay Agenda.

[Gay Agenda] (Music)

The Gay Agenda, people!

(Applause) (Cheering)

There it is. Did you soak it all in?

The Gay Agenda!

Some of you may be calling it

"The Constitution of the United States"?

Is that what you call it too?

The US Constitution is the Gay Agenda.

These gays, people like me,

want to be treated like full citizens.

And it's all written down! In plain sight!

I was blown away when I saw it!

I was like, "Wait! Is this the Gay Agenda?

Why didn't you just call it "The Constitution",

so I knew what you were talking about?

I wouldn't have been so confused! I wouldn't have been so upset!"

But... there it is! The Gay Agenda.

Run for your heterosexual lives.

(Laughter)

Did you know that in all the states

where there is no shading,

people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered

can be kicked out of their apartments for being

gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered?

That's the only reason that a landlord needs

to have them removed,

because there's no protection

from discrimination of GLBT people.

Did you know, in the states where there is no shading,

that you can be fired

for being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered,

not based upon the quality of your work,

how long you've been there,

if you stink?

Just if you're gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered.

All of which flies in the face of the Gay Agenda,