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Hello!
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Oh, good. No one's started drinking yet.
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Everyone's feeling kind of perky and excited.
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Good, for I hope you'll remember what we talk about,
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at least up to this point.
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After that, you're on your own.
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When I was about sixteen years old,
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I can remember flipping through channels at home,
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during summer vacation,
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looking for a movie to watch on HBO.
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And how many of you remember Ferris Bueller's Day Off?
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Oh, yeah. Great movie, right?
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Well, I saw Matthew Broderick on the screen,
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and so I thought, "Sweet!
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Ferris Bueller. I'll watch this!"
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It wasn't Ferris Bueller. And forgive me, Matthew Broderick.
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I know you've done other movies besides Ferris Bueller,
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but that's how I remember you. You're Ferris.
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But you weren't doing "Ferrisy" things at the time.
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You were doing gay things at the time.
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He was in a movie called Torch Song Trilogy.
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And Torch Song Trilogy was based on a play
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about this drag queen,
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who, essentially, was looking for love.
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Love and respect.
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That's what the whole film was about.
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And, as I'm watching it, I'm realizing
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that they're talking about me.
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Not the drag queen part.
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I'm not shaving my hair for anyone.
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But the gay part, the friendly love and respect,
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the part about trying to find your place in the world.
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So, as I'm watching this,
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I see this powerful scene that brought me to tears,
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and it's stuck with me for the past 25 years.
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And it's this quote that the main character, Arnold,
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tells his mother,
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as they're fighting about who he is
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and the life that he lives:
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"There's one more thing you'd better understand.
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I have taught myself to sew,
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cook, fix plumbing, build furniture.
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I can even pat myself on the back, when necessary.
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Also, I don't have to ask anyone for anything.
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There's nothing I need from anyone,
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except for love and respect,
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and anyone who can't give me those two things
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has no place in my life."
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I remember that scene like it was yesterday.
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I was sixteen, I was in tears,
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I was in the closet
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and I'm looking at these two people,
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Ferris Bueller and some guy I'd never seen before,
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(Laughter)
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fighting for love.
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When I finally got to a place in my life
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where I came out and accepted who I was
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-- and was really quite happy, to tell you the truth,
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I was happily gay and I guess that's supposed to be right,
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because "gay" means "happy" too --,
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I realized that a lot of people weren't as gay as I was,
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"gay" being "happy", not "gay" being
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attracted to the same sex.
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(Laughter)
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In fact, I heard that there was a lot of hate
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and a lot of anger and a lot of frustration
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and a lot of fear about who I was
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and the gay lifestyle.
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Now, I'm sitting here trying to figure out,
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"the gay lifestyle", "the gay lifestyle".
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And I keep hearing this word over and over and over again,
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"lifestyle", "lifestyle", lifestyle".
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I've even heard a politicians say
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that the gay lifestyle is a greater threat
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to civilization than terrorism.
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That's when I got scared!
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(Laughter)
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Because I'm thinking,
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"If I'm gay,
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and I'm doing something that's going to destroy civilization,
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I need to figure out what this stuff is
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and I need to stop doing it right now!"
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(Laughter)
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So, I took a look at my life,
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a hard look at my life,
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and I saw some things very disturbing.
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[The Super-Duper Evil Gay Lifestyle] (Laughter)
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And I want to begin sharing these evil things
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that I've been doing with you,
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starting with my mornings.
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(Laughter)
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I drink coffee.
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Not only do I drink coffee,
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I know other gay people who drink coffee.
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(Laughter)
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I get stuck in traffic.
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Evil, evil traffic!
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Sometimes I get stuck in lines at airports!
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I look around and I go, "My God!
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Look at all these gay people!
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We're all trapped in these lines,
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these long lines, trying to get into the airplane!
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My God! This lifestyle that I'm living
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is so freaking evil!"
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(Laughter)
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I clean up.
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This is not an actual photograph of my son's room.
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His is messier.
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(Laughter)
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And, because I have a fifteen-year-old,
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all I do is cook, and cook, and cook.
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Any parents out there of teenagers?
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All we do is cook for these people!
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They eat two, three, four dinners a night!
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It's ridiculous! (Laughter)
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This is the gay lifestyle.
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And after I'm done cooking,
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and cleaning, and standing in line,
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and getting stuck in traffic,
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my partner and I, we get together
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and we decide that we're going to go
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and have some wild and crazy fun.
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(Laughter)
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We're used to be in bed before we find out who's eliminated on American Idol.
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(Laughter)
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We have to wake up and find out the next day
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who's still on, because we're too freaking tired
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to hear who stays on.
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This is the super-duper, evil gay lifestyle. (Laughter)
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Run for your heterosexual lives, people!
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(Laughter)
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(Applause)
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When my partner Steve and I first started dating,
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he told me the story about penguins.
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And I didn't know where he was going with it at first.
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He was kind of a little bit nervous when he was sharing it with me.
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But he told me that, when a penguin finds a mate
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that they want to spend the rest of their life with,
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they present them with a pebble.
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The perfect pebble.
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And then he reaches into his pocket
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and he brings this out to me.
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And I looked at it and I was like,
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"This is really cool."
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And he says, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
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So, I wear this whenever I have to do something
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that makes me a little nervous,
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like, I don't know, a TEDx talk. (Laughter)
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I wear this when I am apart from him
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for a long period of time,
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and sometimes I just wear it just because.
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How many people out there are in love?
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Anyone in love out there?
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You might be gay.
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(Laughter)
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Because I too am in love
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and, apparently, that's part of the gay lifestyle
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I warned you about. (Laughter)
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(Applause)
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You may want to tell your spouse,
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who, if they're in love, might be gay as well.
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How many of you are single?
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Any single people out there?
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You too might be gay,
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because I know some gay people who are also single.
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It's really scary, this gay lifestyle thing.
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It's super-duper evil
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and there's no end to it.
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It goes and goes and engulfs [us].
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It's really quite silly, isn't it?
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That's why I'm so happy
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to finally hear President Obama come out and say...
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(Applause) (Cheering)
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that he supports marriage equality.
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It's a wonderful day in our country's history,
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it's a wonderful day in the globe's history
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to be able to have an actual sitting president
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say "Enough of this",
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first to himself and then to the rest of the world.
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It's wonderful.
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But there's something that's been disturbing me
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since he made that remark just a short time ago.
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And that is, apparently, this is just another move
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by the gay activists that's on the "Gay Agenda".
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And I'm disturbed by this
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because I have been openly gay now for quite some time.
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I've been to all of the functions.
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I've been to fundraisers,
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I've written about the topic
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and I have yet to receive my copy of this "Gay Agenda".
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(Laughter)
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I've paid my dues on time...
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(Laughter)
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I've marched in gay pride flags,
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parades and the whole nine,
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and I have yet to see a copy of the "Gay Agenda".
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I was very, very frustrated.
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I was feeling left out like I wasn't quite gay enough.
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But then, something wonderful happened.
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I was out shopping, as I tend to do,
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and I came across a booklet copy
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of the official Gay Agenda.
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And I said to myself, "LZ, for so long,
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you have been denied this.
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When you get in front of this crowd,
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you're going to share the news,
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you're going to spread the Gay Agenda,
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so no one else has to wonder,
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'What exactly is in the Gay Agenda?'
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'What are these gays up to?' (Laughter)
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'What do they want?'"
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So, without further ado,
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I will present to you, ladies and gentlemen,
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-- and be careful, because it's evil --
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a copy, the official copy of the Gay Agenda.
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[Gay Agenda] (Music)
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The Gay Agenda, people!
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(Applause) (Cheering)
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There it is. Did you soak it all in?
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The Gay Agenda!
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Some of you may be calling it
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"The Constitution of the United States"?
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Is that what you call it too?
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The US Constitution is the Gay Agenda.
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These gays, people like me,
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want to be treated like full citizens.
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And it's all written down! In plain sight!
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I was blown away when I saw it!
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I was like, "Wait! Is this the Gay Agenda?
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Why didn't you just call it "The Constitution",
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so I knew what you were talking about?
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I wouldn't have been so confused! I wouldn't have been so upset!"
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But... there it is! The Gay Agenda.
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Run for your heterosexual lives.
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(Laughter)
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Did you know that in all the states
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where there is no shading,
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people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered
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can be kicked out of their apartments for being
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gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered?
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That's the only reason that a landlord needs
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to have them removed,
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because there's no protection
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from discrimination of GLBT people.
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Did you know, in the states where there is no shading,
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that you can be fired
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for being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered,
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not based upon the quality of your work,
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how long you've been there,
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if you stink?
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Just if you're gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered.
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All of which flies in the face of the Gay Agenda,
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also known as the US Constitution,
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specifically this