Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • Hello!

  • Oh, good. No one's started drinking yet.

  • Everyone's feeling kind of perky and excited.

  • Good, for I hope you'll remember what we talk about,

  • at least up to this point.

  • After that, you're on your own.

  • When I was about sixteen years old,

  • I can remember flipping through channels at home,

  • during summer vacation,

  • looking for a movie to watch on HBO.

  • And how many of you remember Ferris Bueller's Day Off?

  • Oh, yeah. Great movie, right?

  • Well, I saw Matthew Broderick on the screen,

  • and so I thought, "Sweet!

  • Ferris Bueller. I'll watch this!"

  • It wasn't Ferris Bueller. And forgive me, Matthew Broderick.

  • I know you've done other movies besides Ferris Bueller,

  • but that's how I remember you. You're Ferris.

  • But you weren't doing "Ferrisy" things at the time.

  • You were doing gay things at the time.

  • He was in a movie called Torch Song Trilogy.

  • And Torch Song Trilogy was based on a play

  • about this drag queen,

  • who, essentially, was looking for love.

  • Love and respect.

  • That's what the whole film was about.

  • And, as I'm watching it, I'm realizing

  • that they're talking about me.

  • Not the drag queen part.

  • I'm not shaving my hair for anyone.

  • But the gay part, the friendly love and respect,

  • the part about trying to find your place in the world.

  • So, as I'm watching this,

  • I see this powerful scene that brought me to tears,

  • and it's stuck with me for the past 25 years.

  • And it's this quote that the main character, Arnold,

  • tells his mother,

  • as they're fighting about who he is

  • and the life that he lives:

  • "There's one more thing you'd better understand.

  • I have taught myself to sew,

  • cook, fix plumbing, build furniture.

  • I can even pat myself on the back, when necessary.

  • Also, I don't have to ask anyone for anything.

  • There's nothing I need from anyone,

  • except for love and respect,

  • and anyone who can't give me those two things

  • has no place in my life."

  • I remember that scene like it was yesterday.

  • I was sixteen, I was in tears,

  • I was in the closet

  • and I'm looking at these two people,

  • Ferris Bueller and some guy I'd never seen before,

  • (Laughter)

  • fighting for love.

  • When I finally got to a place in my life

  • where I came out and accepted who I was

  • -- and was really quite happy, to tell you the truth,

  • I was happily gay and I guess that's supposed to be right,

  • because "gay" means "happy" too --,

  • I realized that a lot of people weren't as gay as I was,

  • "gay" being "happy", not "gay" being

  • attracted to the same sex.

  • (Laughter)

  • In fact, I heard that there was a lot of hate

  • and a lot of anger and a lot of frustration

  • and a lot of fear about who I was

  • and the gay lifestyle.

  • Now, I'm sitting here trying to figure out,

  • "the gay lifestyle", "the gay lifestyle".

  • And I keep hearing this word over and over and over again,

  • "lifestyle", "lifestyle", lifestyle".

  • I've even heard a politicians say

  • that the gay lifestyle is a greater threat

  • to civilization than terrorism.

  • That's when I got scared!

  • (Laughter)

  • Because I'm thinking,

  • "If I'm gay,

  • and I'm doing something that's going to destroy civilization,

  • I need to figure out what this stuff is

  • and I need to stop doing it right now!"

  • (Laughter)

  • So, I took a look at my life,

  • a hard look at my life,

  • and I saw some things very disturbing.

  • [The Super-Duper Evil Gay Lifestyle] (Laughter)

  • And I want to begin sharing these evil things

  • that I've been doing with you,

  • starting with my mornings.

  • (Laughter)

  • I drink coffee.

  • Not only do I drink coffee,

  • I know other gay people who drink coffee.

  • (Laughter)

  • I get stuck in traffic.

  • Evil, evil traffic!

  • Sometimes I get stuck in lines at airports!

  • I look around and I go, "My God!

  • Look at all these gay people!

  • We're all trapped in these lines,

  • these long lines, trying to get into the airplane!

  • My God! This lifestyle that I'm living

  • is so freaking evil!"

  • (Laughter)

  • I clean up.

  • This is not an actual photograph of my son's room.

  • His is messier.

  • (Laughter)

  • And, because I have a fifteen-year-old,

  • all I do is cook, and cook, and cook.

  • Any parents out there of teenagers?

  • All we do is cook for these people!

  • They eat two, three, four dinners a night!

  • It's ridiculous! (Laughter)

  • This is the gay lifestyle.

  • And after I'm done cooking,

  • and cleaning, and standing in line,

  • and getting stuck in traffic,

  • my partner and I, we get together

  • and we decide that we're going to go

  • and have some wild and crazy fun.

  • (Laughter)

  • We're used to be in bed before we find out who's eliminated on American Idol.

  • (Laughter)

  • We have to wake up and find out the next day

  • who's still on, because we're too freaking tired

  • to hear who stays on.

  • This is the super-duper, evil gay lifestyle. (Laughter)

  • Run for your heterosexual lives, people!

  • (Laughter)

  • (Applause)

  • When my partner Steve and I first started dating,

  • he told me the story about penguins.

  • And I didn't know where he was going with it at first.

  • He was kind of a little bit nervous when he was sharing it with me.

  • But he told me that, when a penguin finds a mate

  • that they want to spend the rest of their life with,

  • they present them with a pebble.

  • The perfect pebble.

  • And then he reaches into his pocket

  • and he brings this out to me.

  • And I looked at it and I was like,

  • "This is really cool."

  • And he says, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

  • So, I wear this whenever I have to do something

  • that makes me a little nervous,

  • like, I don't know, a TEDx talk. (Laughter)

  • I wear this when I am apart from him

  • for a long period of time,

  • and sometimes I just wear it just because.

  • How many people out there are in love?

  • Anyone in love out there?

  • You might be gay.

  • (Laughter)

  • Because I too am in love

  • and, apparently, that's part of the gay lifestyle

  • I warned you about. (Laughter)

  • (Applause)

  • You may want to tell your spouse,

  • who, if they're in love, might be gay as well.

  • How many of you are single?

  • Any single people out there?

  • You too might be gay,

  • because I know some gay people who are also single.

  • It's really scary, this gay lifestyle thing.

  • It's super-duper evil

  • and there's no end to it.

  • It goes and goes and engulfs [us].

  • It's really quite silly, isn't it?

  • That's why I'm so happy

  • to finally hear President Obama come out and say...

  • (Applause) (Cheering)

  • that he supports marriage equality.

  • It's a wonderful day in our country's history,

  • it's a wonderful day in the globe's history

  • to be able to have an actual sitting president

  • say "Enough of this",

  • first to himself and then to the rest of the world.

  • It's wonderful.

  • But there's something that's been disturbing me

  • since he made that remark just a short time ago.

  • And that is, apparently, this is just another move

  • by the gay activists that's on the "Gay Agenda".

  • And I'm disturbed by this

  • because I have been openly gay now for quite some time.

  • I've been to all of the functions.

  • I've been to fundraisers,

  • I've written about the topic

  • and I have yet to receive my copy of this "Gay Agenda".

  • (Laughter)

  • I've paid my dues on time...

  • (Laughter)

  • I've marched in gay pride flags,

  • parades and the whole nine,

  • and I have yet to see a copy of the "Gay Agenda".

  • I was very, very frustrated.

  • I was feeling left out like I wasn't quite gay enough.

  • But then, something wonderful happened.

  • I was out shopping, as I tend to do,

  • and I came across a booklet copy

  • of the official Gay Agenda.

  • And I said to myself, "LZ, for so long,

  • you have been denied this.

  • When you get in front of this crowd,

  • you're going to share the news,

  • you're going to spread the Gay Agenda,

  • so no one else has to wonder,

  • 'What exactly is in the Gay Agenda?'

  • 'What are these gays up to?' (Laughter)

  • 'What do they want?'"

  • So, without further ado,

  • I will present to you, ladies and gentlemen,

  • -- and be careful, because it's evil --

  • a copy, the official copy of the Gay Agenda.

  • [Gay Agenda] (Music)

  • The Gay Agenda, people!

  • (Applause) (Cheering)

  • There it is. Did you soak it all in?

  • The Gay Agenda!

  • Some of you may be calling it

  • "The Constitution of the United States"?

  • Is that what you call it too?

  • The US Constitution is the Gay Agenda.

  • These gays, people like me,

  • want to be treated like full citizens.

  • And it's all written down! In plain sight!

  • I was blown away when I saw it!

  • I was like, "Wait! Is this the Gay Agenda?

  • Why didn't you just call it "The Constitution",

  • so I knew what you were talking about?

  • I wouldn't have been so confused! I wouldn't have been so upset!"

  • But... there it is! The Gay Agenda.

  • Run for your heterosexual lives.

  • (Laughter)

  • Did you know that in all the states

  • where there is no shading,

  • people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered

  • can be kicked out of their apartments for being

  • gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered?

  • That's the only reason that a landlord needs

  • to have them removed,

  • because there's no protection

  • from discrimination of GLBT people.

  • Did you know, in the states where there is no shading,

  • that you can be fired

  • for being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered,

  • not based upon the quality of your work,

  • how long you've been there,

  • if you stink?

  • Just if you're gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered.

  • All of which flies in the face of the Gay Agenda,

  • also known as the US Constitution,

  • specifically this