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  • -Wow! It's been so long since I saw you guys.

  • Oh, my gosh.

  • Thank you so much for tuning in and watching "The Tonight Show."

  • Here we are, from New York City. "The Tonight Show."

  • Thank you for watching us.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Guys, let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, it's been four days now, and I think we need

  • to Operation Warp Speed

  • President Trump's concession speech.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • What a time this is. The President has gone from

  • firing people on reality TV

  • to denying the reality that he's fired.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, Trump just doesn't know when it's time to pack it in.

  • Even the creators of "The Walking Dead" are like,

  • "Enough already." [ Laughter ]

  • Trump's like the guy who knows he's broke

  • and still has a way to run his credit card 10 more times.

  • "Declined, sir." "Run it again."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "I'm so sorry. It's declined again, sir."

  • "Is it a swipe or a chip thing?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, Trump can't move on.

  • This morning, he fired a bunch of all caps tweets

  • about the election, including this one that said,

  • "We will win!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • When they saw this tweet, 76 million Americans

  • took a deep breath and went, "Two more months."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Just have to put up with it for two more months."

  • Yeah, he just can't let go.

  • Did he forget that we already had the election?

  • I'm starting to think that when daylight savings ended,

  • Trump turned his clock back a week instead of an hour.

  • [ Laughter ] And he didn't stop there.

  • Trump posted a lot of angry tweets about the election.

  • Look at these. Wow.

  • At least the steroids are still doing their job.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Trump tweets are like construction workers

  • outside your house. First, it's loud and annoying,

  • but after a while, it just becomes background noise.

  • You don't even notice. [ Laughter ]

  • As Trump was tweeting, the White House decorator

  • was a few feet away like, "The Bidens would like

  • to move the ottoman here." [ Laughter ]

  • "Oh! Sorry, Mr. President. Am I interrupting?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But Trump's staff is trying to help him move on.

  • He spent the day hanging Pier 1 signs

  • all over the White House that say,

  • "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But he's not just tweeting.

  • Trump's campaign is trying to challenge the election in court.

  • Yep, they filed lawsuit after lawsuit.

  • Let's see how that's going.

  • -A handful of other lawsuits filed since Election Day

  • in Georgia, Michigan, and Nevada have all been rejected.

  • -Right now Trump's lawsuits are being thrown out

  • like Necco wafers after Halloween.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Come on. You can't taste the difference

  • between brown and purple.

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • I'm not sure if Trump's legal team knows what they're doing.

  • In one lawsuit, the lawyer just sent in

  • the script to "My Cousin Vinnie."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Two yutes."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "What is a yute?"

  • Yeah, I don't have a lot of faith in Trump's legal team.

  • One of the lawyers has a briefcase

  • that's just filled with tortilla chips.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Another lawyer's résumé just says

  • "Took karate lessons next door to a law school."

  • [ Laughter ] I don't know if that counts.

  • Now, you might be wondering

  • why the Trump campaign is doing this.

  • Well, listen to what one Republican official had to say.

  • -What is the downside for humoring him for this

  • for a little bit of time?

  • No one seriously thinks the results will change.

  • He went golfing this weekend.

  • It's not like he's plotting how to prevent Joe Biden

  • from taking power on January 20th.

  • He's tweeting about filing some lawsuits.

  • Those lawsuit will fail, then he'll tweet some more

  • about how the election was stolen, and then he'll leave."

  • -Yeah. [ Laughter ]

  • No one is taking these lawsuits seriously.

  • When Trump calls, his lawyers are like,

  • "Uh, yeah, yeah, we're investigating the fraud

  • right now on our stealth computers."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's like when you tell your kids to go

  • look for something that isn't there.

  • It may result in tears later,

  • but it's worth the four minutes of quiet.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Did you check behind the -- behind the bed?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You're holding the toy the whole time.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, Trump's refusal to accept the election

  • hasn't slowed down Joe Biden.

  • I saw that his transition website already went up,

  • and it includes his policies on a lot of key issues.

  • Here, take a look.

  • When you click on "Economic recovery," it says...

  • -"We're gonna reinvest in the industries

  • that make this country great.

  • Pinwheel manufacturing, gumball machines,

  • and those peg board games you get at Cracker Barrel.

  • What are those called again?

  • You hop over the guys. They're a lot of fun.

  • We're giving $5 billion to whoever makes those."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -Seems like a step in the right direction compared to Trump.

  • Let's click on "Healthcare."

  • -"We're keeping private insurance,

  • but there will be a public option.

  • But only for instances where you get a marble stuck up your nose

  • after your quarry chum Chino dared you that you were too

  • chicken baloney to actually do it,

  • but you did it anyway.

  • And, well, that's just part of being a boy.

  • Also, all doctors have to wear those

  • round head mirrors like they used to.

  • [ Applause ] -All right, I'm not sure....

  • Not sure if all that's necessary.

  • Let's look at foreign policy.

  • -"America needs to become friends

  • with its neighbors again.

  • Back in Dover, I got real P.O.'d at my neighbor Tallahassee Dan

  • 'cause he kept stealing my issues of 'Life' magazine.

  • And I told him, 'Listen, mack, I don't care how badly

  • you want to read that Sophia Loren interview,

  • the name Biden is on that sucker.'

  • And so we worked out a system where we kept the magazine

  • under a jar in the middle of the road,

  • guarded by a neighbor boy with a hose.

  • Anyway, we need to do that sort of thing but for Iran."

  • [ Applause ]

  • -What? Works for me. Whatever.

  • Well, the other big story is, of course, the pandemic.

  • Cases are spiking all across the country.

  • But I heard that Royal Caribbean

  • is looking for volunteers to go on test cruises.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It sounds fun.

  • All you need is your bathing suit

  • and to sign 8,000 documents saying you won't sue.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's kind of creepy when you board

  • and the captain's like, "Good luck."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But this is big -- last night, the FDA gave the company

  • Eli Lilly emergency authorization

  • for a new COVID antibody treatment.

  • It's great news, but a lot of people

  • are having trouble pronouncing its name.

  • Watch this.

  • -This new antibody, which is called bamlanivimab --

  • really hard to pronounce.

  • -Bamli -- excuse me, bamlanivimab.

  • -Bamlanivimab -- -Bamladivimab.

  • -Bamlanivimab. -Bamlan-ivi-mab.

  • -Bam-lan-ivi-mob. Get that.

  • -That is kind of hard to pronounce

  • and looks weird and why I'm not saying it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Bamlanivimab.

  • Antibody bamlanivimab.

  • That's got a good ring to it.

  • ♪♪

  • Antibody bamlanivimab

  • Antibody bamlanivimab

  • COVID-19 bamlanivimab

  • But it's not a vaccine, bamlanivimab

  • Oh, Eli Lilly, bamlanivimab

  • Name real silly, bamlanivimab

  • Antibody bamlanivimab

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Well, this is cool. I read that the only photograph

  • of Neil Armstrong on the Moon is up for auction.

  • Here it is.

  • You know Neil got back to the ship and was like,

  • "That's the photo you took?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "I'm not even looking at the camera.

  • The hell, Buzz?" [ Laughter ]

  • "I'm not even looking at the camera."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Where you pointing the camera, Buzz?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Chuckles ]

  • "Yeah, my butt's facing the camera."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "My face isn't even looking at the camera."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And finally, a family in California

  • missed going to Disneyland, so their dad

  • decided to take matters into his own hands.

  • Look at this. Take a look.

  • -California man just earned Father of the Year honors.

  • -He kept busy during the pandemic.

  • He built a replica of Disneyland's Matterhorn

  • roller coaster in his backyard.

  • The two-story coaster took four months to build.

  • -Wow.

  • His wife is like, "That's really super, honey.

  • Now, when are you gonna clean out the gutters?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • He spent four months building that.

  • And right as he was finished,

  • Pfizer was like, "We have a vaccine."

  • We have a great show, everyone.

  • Give it up for The Roots.

-Wow! It's been so long since I saw you guys.

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Trump in Denial About Getting Fired by America | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/11/11
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