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  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.

  • WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • LET'S SAY HELLO TO MR. JON BATISTE.

  • HELLO, JON!

  • >> Jon: HELLO, HELLO!

  • YES, YES, INDEED.

  • >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE PLANS FOR THE HOLIDAYS?

  • ARE YOU GOING BACK TO KENNER?

  • >> Jon: NO, I'M GOING TO BE IN THE NORTH.

  • I WON'T BE ABLE TO GET BACK HOME, BUT I'M GOING TO TRY TO

  • GET DOWN THERE FOR CHRISTMAS ♪ I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS

  • >> Stephen: I KNOW YOUR MOM WOULD MISS YOU IF YOU WEREN'T

  • THERE.

  • YOUR DAD WOULD, TOO, BUT YOU GOTTA BE THERE FOR MOM.

  • >> Jon: MOM, YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S THE ONE.

  • >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING YOU CAN PLAY, A LITTLE

  • HOLIDAY MUSIC TO GET US GOING?

  • IT'S ALREADY IN ALL THE DEPARTMENT STORES.

  • >> Jon: OH, YEAH, YEAH ( "O CHRISTMAS TREE )

  • >> Stephen: I CAN HEAR THE NEEDLES FALLING OFF THAT TREE.

  • BA-DA-BA-DO!

  • E STJON BATISTE EVERYBODY.

  • YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME CARBO-LOADING THE DAY'S BIGGEST

  • STORIES, GROIN-STRETCHING WITH THE MOST VITAL HEADLINES, AND

  • CAREFULLY APPLYING THE MOST INFORMATIVE, EDUCATIONAL NIPPLE

  • TAPE TO POWER MYSELF THROUGH THE NEWS MARATHON THAT IS MY

  • MONOLOGUE.

  • BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, NOT ALL THE TIMES, JUST SOMETIMES.

  • I LIKE TO DOWN A FIFTH OF BOURBON, RUN AROUND THE HOUSE

  • 'TIL I'M DIZZY, COMMANDEER ONE OF THE

  • NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS' BIKES, AND RIDE IT INTO THE LAKE FOR THE

  • RECKLESS MISDEMEANOR TRIATHLON OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:

  • "QUARANTINE-WHILE!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN "STORIES

  • YOU CAN ASSUME HAPPENED IN TEXAS," "A DOG IN PLANO SHOT A

  • MAN IN THE LEG."

  • NOW, HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN A BAD MAN, AND KNOW THE BEST WAY TO

  • STOP HIM WAS A GOOD BOY WITH A GUN!

  • WHO'S A GET BOY?

  • WHO'S GOT A GUN?

  • YOU, DO!

  • APPARENTLY, THE MAN HAD "A PISTOL TUCKED INSIDE HIS

  • WAISTBAND, AND WHILE PICKING UP HIS DOG, A PAW GOT LODGED IN

  • THE TRIGGER AND FIRED HIS WEAPON, SENDING A BULLET INTO

  • AND THROUGH HIS THIGH."

  • SEE, THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS RIGHT

  • THERE.

  • CATS DON'T MISS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, ACCORDING TO A

  • NEW SURVEY, "A SURPRISING PERCENTAGE OF YOUNG AMERICANS

  • SAY THEY HAVE NEVER SEEN A COW IN PERSON."

  • KIDS THESE DAY, I'LL TELL YOU.

  • IN MY DAY, YOU USED PAY PHONES, YOU LOOKED THE NUMBER UP IN A

  • PHONE BOOK, THEN YOU PUT THE PHONE BOOK BACK ON TOP OF THE

  • COW-- 'CAUSE THE CITIES WERE LOUSY WITH 'EM.

  • WE ALL HAD TO PUT OUT COW TRAPS.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, "AN UNEMPLOYED MAN FOUND A NEW JOB BY POSTING

  • HIS RESUME ON A TRUCK," AND "THE MAN WAS OFFERED A NEW POSITION

  • TWO DAYS AFTER HIS C.V. HIT THE ROAD."

  • I'M HAPPY FOR THE GUY, AND I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEW HISTORY

  • CHANNEL SERIES: "ICE ROAD HUMAN RESOURCES DEPARTMENT."

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN MAYONNAISE WEDDING NEWS, THE "HELLMAN'S

  • COMPANY SURPRISED A COUPLE WHOSE LAST NAMES WERE "HELMS" AND

  • "MAYO" ON THEIR WEDDING DAY WITH MAYONNAISE."

  • SO BEAUTIFUL.

  • RIGHT UP THERE ON THE LIST OF THINGS PEOPLE HOPE FOR ON THEIR

  • WEDDING DAY: GOOD WEATHER, NO TRAFFIC, AND SURPRISE

  • MAYONNAISE.

  • THEY'RE REALLY GRATEFUL, BUT HONESTLY, THEY REGISTERED FOR

  • MIRACLE WHIP.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A MILITARY CARRIER PIGEON MESSAGE HAS

  • TURNED UP 110 YEARS AFTER IT WAS SENT."

  • JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU HOW HARD LIFE WAS BEFORE CELL

  • PHONES.

  • "WHERE WERE YOU, MAN?

  • I WAS WAITING FOR YOU OUTSIDE THE MOVIE THEATER FOR 110

  • YEARS!" "SORRY, MY PIGEON GETS NO

  • SERVICE IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD."

  • IS THAT WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO?

  • WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO NOTES TO THE TWO GUYS OR WAS I SUPPOSED

  • TO BE LIKE, "HEY, WHAT WERE YOU DOING?"

  • WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?

  • ARE WE STILL...

  • THE MISSING MESSAGE TURNED UP IN NORTHEASTERN FRANCE AND "WAS

  • SENT FROM ONE GERMAN MILITARY OFFICER TO ANOTHER IN 1910,"

  • THOUGH "THE SCRIPT IS DIFFICULT TO DECIPHER."

  • EXPERTS WERE JUST ABLE TO MAKE OUT THIS MUCH:

  • ( GERMAN ACCENT ) "ZIS LETTER IS CURSED.

  • IF YOU DON'T FORWARD ZIS TO SEVEN PEOPLE IN 48 HOURS,

  • DEUTSCHLAND VIL FALL UNDER THE RULE OF A PSYCHO PAINTER FROM

  • VIENNA.

  • UND YOU'LL GAIN TEN POUNDS!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, ACCORDING TO A

  • NEW STUDY, UNLIKE CATS AND DOGS WHO FORM SPECIAL BONDS WITH

  • THEIR OWNERS, "HORSES DON'T LOVE SPECIFIC HUMANS."

  • IT'S ALMOST LIKE RIDING ON SOMETHING'S BACK FOR HOURS WHILE

  • WHIPPING IT AND POKING IT IN THE SIDE WITH METAL HEEL-SPIKES

  • ISN'T A BONDING EXPERIENCE.

  • ALSO, THERE'S A LOT GOING ON RIGHT NOW.

  • DO WE REALLY NEED TO BE PUTTING EFFORT INTO TESTING WHICH

  • ANIMALS DON'T LOVE US?

  • ( AS SCIENTIST ) "WELP, NO CURE FOR COVID YET,

  • BUT WE HAVE DISCOVERED THAT BUNNIES THINK YOU'RE KIND OF A

  • BITCH."

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH HUGH GRANT.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.

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