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  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -I've been trying to keep up with everybody

  • during the pandemic. Like, I've been trying to keep up

  • with my granddad, 'cause he's,

  • you know, one of my favorite people.

  • And he helped raise me and everything.

  • So sometimes I'll call. He lives in an assisted living facility.

  • And so I'll call him, and one of the things that happens --

  • These people are doing an incredible job.

  • But one of the things that inevitably happens

  • is every time I call, they hand the phone to the wrong old man.

  • [ Laughter ] Every single time.

  • So then, through the phone,

  • I have to guide an old man to my granddad, alright?

  • And the last few times, they kept handing the phone

  • to the same wrong old man named JB.

  • He's a lovely man, but he's not my granddad.

  • [ Laughter ] You know what I mean?

  • And so they hand the phone to JB.

  • And I'm pretty sure his name is JB

  • because he was born before full names came out, alright?

  • This dude was born when there were J's and there were B's,

  • and then he put them together, you know?

  • He is the most 98-year-old man

  • I have ever come in contact with in my life.

  • So then they hand the phone to JB, and I say, "Hello, JB,"

  • and then he says, "How do you know who I am?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And then I have to explain to him,

  • "Sir, I'm actually your roommate's grandson, okay?

  • So we've actually had lots of conversations.

  • I was just wondering

  • if you could hand the phone to my granddad."

  • And then he's like, "I don't think I know who that is."

  • And I'm like, "Yes, sir, you do.

  • He's your roommate. He should be right there."

  • And he's like, "I'm not sure about that."

  • And so then finally, I have to ask him,

  • "Sir, is there an old Black man wearing a conductor's hat

  • sitting on a bed watching Westerns?"

  • And then JB goes, "How do you know that?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And then I have to spend 15 minutes explaining to this man

  • that I am not the government, alright?

  • I don't even know what JB did in his life

  • to think the po-po would still be after him.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It was insane.

  • And so finally, I can hear him

  • trying to get my granddad's attention.

  • And through the receiver, I can hear him

  • and hear my granddad be like,

  • "Can't you see I'm watching something?

  • Leave me alone. I'm busy." Right?

  • So then JB goes "I don't think he wants to talk."

  • So then I just talk to JB.

  • And honestly, it's nice.

  • It's like having two granddads again, you know?

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • 'Cause I don't know if you're all as well-versed

  • with old Black men as I am.

  • I don't know if they're as intimately in your lives,

  • but is it just me,

  • or when old Black men are about to fight,

  • doesn't it sound like

  • they're about to tear into a piece of pie?

  • They're just standing in front of each other like, "Mm-hmm.

  • [ Chuckles ] Mm-hmm. Alright. Okay.

  • Mm-hmm-hmm. You about to get it, alright?

  • You about to get beat, alright? Alright?"

  • And then they give you the recipe of the fight.

  • Like, "I'm-a take these hands, alright?

  • I'm-a put a little foot in it, okay?

  • I'm-a add some cane to it."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I've been watching a lot of TV.

  • And I've been watching a lot of rom-coms especially.

  • And I don't know if this bothers anybody else,

  • but does it trip you out

  • that everyone in a rom-com has enough money to make it work?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You know what I mean? Every rom-com scenario is the same.

  • It's like boy meets girl.

  • Boy falls in love with girl. Boy messes it up.

  • Boy buys a last-minute, day-of flight to Australia, one way,

  • to get past the gate and stop girl

  • from taking a life-changing opportunity across the world.

  • It's like, I don't have last-minute flight money,

  • alright? [ Laughter ]

  • Like, even if I managed to get that ticket,

  • I now have to go with you to Australia,

  • whether I win you back or not, you know?

  • Just running -- running onto the plane

  • like, "Sheila, look, I'm so sorry, okay?

  • I'm sorry, alright?

  • I was stupid. I was dumb.

  • I cared more about my friends

  • than the things that were important to me, which is you.

  • You're the most important thing to me.

  • You make me better, you make me whole,

  • and I just want you to take me back, alright?

  • Will you?

  • No? Okay, well, move over, 'cause I'm window.

  • Alright? I -- [ Laughter ]

  • I really thought this would work,

  • but, you know, buckle up for 16 hours of awkward."

  • Like, just once, I want to see,

  • like, a realistic rom-com, you know?

  • I want to see a rom-com where they can't afford to break up.

  • You know? Like, boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl,

  • boy messes it up, boy wants to move out,

  • but in a fit of passion, they signed a lease.

  • So looks like this is life for the next six months, playboy.

  • Guys, I'm Josh Johnson. Thanks so much.

  • You have a great night. Appreciate it.

  • Thank you so much for coming out.

  • -Josh Johnson!

  • For more info, go to joshjohnsoncomedy.com.

[ Cheers and applause ]

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A2 granddad laughter rom girl boy girl man

Josh Johnson Stand-Up

  • 5 1
    林宜悉 posted on 2020/11/10
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