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  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

  • THERE YOU GO!

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • I WANT TO GIVE MY WIFE A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE.

  • YOU HAVE BEEN A ROCK THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS.

  • THANKS SO MUCH.

  • LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JOE BIDEN DID IT!

  • ♪ ♪

  • HE'S OUR NEXT PRESIDENT!

  • I'M SO HAPPY!

  • I WANT TO SHARE THIS MOMENT WITH YOU, MY AUDIENCE, I WISH WE

  • COULD ALL BE TOGETHER IN THE THEATER, INSTEAD OF BEING STUCK

  • IN THIS CONVERTED STORAGE ROOM!

  • BUT THAT'S NOT GOING TO STOP ME FROM FIRING THE T-SHIRT CANNON!

  • COME ON!

  • CHRIS, CATCH THIS.

  • COME ON, CATCH IT!

  • OKAY, JIMMY, THAT'S ENOUGH.

  • I'LL FIRE THAT THING BACK UP.

  • READY AT A MOMENT'S NOTICE.

  • EVERY TIME SOMEONE GROWNS AT ONE OF MY JOKES, IT IS GO TIME

  • ( BLEEP ).

  • HEAR THAT?

  • THAT MEANS IT'S WORKING.

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • FINALLY, AFTER FOUR YEARS, AMERICANS CAN EXHALE.

  • UNLESS YOU'RE NEAR OTHER PEOPLE.

  • THEN PLEASE DON'T.

  • PANDEMIC.

  • AFTER BIDEN'S VICTORY WAS ANNOUNCED, PEOPLE EVERYWHERE

  • FLOODED THE STREETS, FROM TIMES SQUARE TO DENVER TO SAN

  • DIEGO TO MIAMI TO ATLANTA.

  • THAT IS THE BIGGEST PRESIDENTIAL RALLY OF ALL TIME.

  • NOT A GOOD SIGN WHEN THE MAJORITY OF AMERICANS REACT TO

  • YOU LOSING YOUR JOB THE WAY THEY DID TO US GETTING BIN LADEN.

  • IT FEELS LIKE AMERICA IS...

  • WHAT'S THE WORD... GREAT AGAIN?

  • AND THE CHANTING, OH, THE CHANTING.

  • HERE'S A GROUP IN D.C.: Y-M-C-A

  • Y-M-C-A >> STEPHEN: PERFECT TROLL, BOTH

  • BECAUSE THE "YMCA" WAS TRUMP'S BIG RALLY SONG, AND BECAUSE,

  • AFTER WORKING FOR TRUMP, I THINK IT'S WHERE STEVE BANNON IS

  • LIVING.

  • NOT TO BE OUTDONE, THIS IS WHAT THE CELEBRATIONS LOOKED LIKE IN

  • L.A.: ♪ ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS

  • YOU ♪ ♪ OOOH BABY

  • >> STEPHEN: WOW, TRUMP WAS RIGHT.

  • WE'RE FINALLY SAYING "MERRY CHRISTMAS" AGAIN!

  • FUN FACT, THIS WEEKEND A SONG CALLED "(BLEEP) DONALD TRUMP"

  • HIT NUMBER ONE ON ITUNES.

  • ALTHOUGH "PARTY IN THE U.S.A."

  • IS REFUSING TO CONCEDE.

  • AND IT WASN'T JUST AMERICA, PEOPLE O TOOK THE STREETS TO

  • CELEBRATE IN CANADA, IRELAND, INDIA, THE FOREST MOON OF ENDOR,

  • ZION, PEOPLE WERE SINGING IN THE RAIN, AND ULTIMATELY, TRUMP

  • TOWER COLLAPSED.

  • GO BACK TO THE SHADOW, DONNY!

  • NOW, WHILE I'M HAPPY, I'M ALSO ECSTATIC.

  • I'M ALSO A LITTLE TIRED.

  • AND I'M A LITTLE CONCERNED.

  • WE'VE GOT A RAGING PANDEMIC, THE BIGGEST BUDGET DEFICIT IN

  • HISTORY, WE PISSED OFF EVERY COUNTRY EXCEPT THOSE RULED BY

  • DICTATORS.

  • IN SHORT, OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS DIFFERENT.

  • SO WE CAN'T BE COMPLACENT.

  • WE HAVE TO PUT OUR HEADS DOWN AND KEEP DOING THE WORK...

  • STARTING TOMORROW.

  • FOR NOW: ♪

  • ♪ ♪

  • COME ON, CHRIS, DO THE WAVE!

  • THAT'S GOOD.

  • THAT'S GOOD.

  • YOU KNOW THAT SECOND ONE WAS COMING.

  • WASN'T SCRIPTED.

  • JUST SAID STEPHEN DANCES.

  • DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT TAKING YOUR HEAD OFF WITH TWO

  • POUNDS OF COTTON.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S ALL LOVE, BABY.

  • IT'S ALL LOVE.

  • AFTER THE GOOD NEWS WAS ANNOUNCED, PRESIDENT-ELECT BIDEN

  • AND VICE PRESIDENT ELECT HARRIS TOOK TO THE STAGE IN DELAWARE.

  • FIRST UP WAS KAMALA HARRIS.

  • THIS IS A BIG DEAL.

  • HARRIS IS THE FIRST FEMALE VICE PRESIDENT, FIRST BLACK VICE

  • PRESIDENT, FIRST SOUTH ASIAN VICE PRESIDENT!

  • THE FIRST VICE PRESIDENT TO PULL A KICK-ASS ALL-WHITE POWER SUIT!

  • THOUGH, TO BE FAIR, FOR TRUMP, EVERY SUIT IS A WHITE POWER

  • SUIT.

  • HARRIS ACKNOWLEDGED HER PLACE IN HISTORY.

  • >> THE GENERATIONS OF WOMEN ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • BLACK WOMEN, ASIAN, WHITE, LATINA, NATIVE AMERICAN WOMEN,

  • WHO, THROUGHOUT OUR NATION'S HISTORY, HAVE PAVED THE WAY FOR

  • THIS MOMENT TONIGHT.

  • WOMEN WHO FOUGHT AND SACRIFICED SO MUCH FOR EQUALITY AND LIBERTY

  • AND JUSTICE FOR ALL.

  • INCLUDING THE BLACK WOMEN WHO ARE OFTEN, TOO OFTEN,

  • OVERLOOKED, BUT SO OFTEN PROVE THEY ARE THE BACKBONE OF OUR

  • DEMOCRACY.

  • WHAT A TESTAMENT IT IS TO JOE'S CHARACTER THAT HAD THE AUDACITY

  • TO BREAK ONE OF THE MOST SUBSTANTIAL BARRIERS THAT EXISTS

  • IN OUR COUNTRY AND SELECT A WOMAN AS HIS VICE PRESIDENT.

  • (CARS HONKING) >> Stephen: THAT IS THE FIRST

  • TIME IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND IT WAS NICE TO SEE A WOMAN GET

  • HONKED AT!

  • "HEY, BABY.

  • WAY TO SHATTER THAT GLASS CEILING!

  • YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD IN THAT EXECUTIVE BRANCH!

  • OH, YEAH!" THEN, SHE INTRODUCED THE MAN OF

  • THE HOUR, THE VICE SO NICE HE'S GOING TO THE WHITE HOUSE TWICE:

  • >> IT IS NOW MY GREAT HONOR TO INTRODUCE THE PRESIDENT-ELECT OF

  • THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, JOE BIDEN!

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: LOOK AT HIM!

  • RUNNING LAPS AROUND TRUMP BY RUNNING AT ALL.

  • BIDEN HAD A MESSAGE OF UNITY: >> I PLEDGE TO BE A PRESIDENT

  • WHO SEEKS NOT TO DIVIDE, BUT UNIFY, WHO DOESN'T SEE RED

  • STATES OR BLUE STATES, BUT ONLY SEES THE UNITED STATES.

  • >> STEPHEN: I LOOK FORWARD TO GETTING THERE, TOO, SIR.

  • AFTER SIX DAYS OF BINGE-WATCHING STEVE KORNACKI, RED STATES AND

  • BLUE STATES HAVE BEEN BURNED INTO MY RETINAS.

  • WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES, ALL I SEE IS THE MAP OF PENNSYLVANIA.

  • AND THEY'VE UPDATED BUCK'S COUNTY!

  • ALLEGHENY!

  • THEN THE PRESIDENT-ELECT ADDRESSED HIS OPPONENT'S

  • SUPPORTERS DIRECTLY AND COMPASSIONATELY.

  • >> FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO VOTED FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP, I

  • UNDERSTAND THE DISAPPOINTMENT TONIGHT.

  • I'VE LOST A COUPLE OF TIMES MYSELF.

  • >> STEPHEN: WAIT A SECOND, ADMITTING THAT YOU'VE EVER LOST?

  • WHY ISN'T HE TALKING ABOUT SHOWER PRESSURE AND HOW

  • WINDMILLS GIVE YOU CANCER?

  • HE DIDN'T EVEN WISH AN ACCUSED CHILD SEX TRAFFICKER WELL.

  • SO UNPRESIDENTIAL!

  • SO BIDEN HARRIS, THEY'RE NEXT UP.

  • BUT WITH ALL THIS TALK ABOUT OUR NEW PRESIDENT-ELECT, WE'VE STILL

  • GOT A PRESIDENT-REJECT.

  • AND I'LL DISCUSS HIS FALL FROM GLORY IN A SEGMENT I'M CALLING:

  • >> IT'S RIGGED!

  • >> DONALD TRUMP: ROAD FROM THE WHITE HOUSE.

  • >> STEPHEN: IT'S BEEN TWO DAYS SINCE THE ELECTION WAS CALLED

  • FOR BIDEN, AND AS OF THIS TAPING, DONALD TRUMP HAS REFUSED

  • TO CONCEDE.

  • THAT'S FINE.

  • UNTIL HE DOES, I REFUSE TO REMEMBER HIS NAME.

  • WHAT WAS IT?

  • UH... RONALD CLUMP?

  • BALDIN' GRUNT?

  • IT WILL COME TO ME.

  • THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN HOLED UP IN THE WHITE HOUSE TANTRUM

  • PANTRY, WHERE THINGS ARE SO STRESSFUL, "THE DAILY MAIL"

  • REPORTS HIS STAFF IS LIGHTING ROSE-SCENTED CANDLES IN AN

  • ATTEMPT TO SOFTEN THE ENVIRONMENT, AND TO COMBAT THE

  • SMELL OF FAST-FOOD DELIVERED TO THE PRESIDENT.

  • JUST A PREVIEW OF THE INTENSE DESTANKIFICATION THE

  • BIDEN-HARRIS TEAM WILL HAVE TO DO.

  • MIGHT BE BEST TO JUST REPLACE THE RESOLUTE DESK WITH A GIANT

  • GLADE PLUG-IN.

  • THE LAME DUCK PRESIDENT HASN'T ALWAYS BEEN THIS PARTICULAR

  • ABOUT THE ELECTORAL COUNT.

  • IN FACT, AS SHARP-EYED NEWSMAN JOHN DICKERSON POINTED OUT, BACK

  • IN 2016, WHEN DONALD TRUMP GAVE HIS ACCEPTANCE SPEECH AFTER

  • CLINTON CONCEDED, THE ELECTORAL COUNT HADN'T REACHED 270.

  • THANK GOODNESS HE DIDN'T TWEET "STOP THE COUNT!" BACK THEN OR

  • ELSE... NOTHING WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.

  • THEY COUNT ALL THE VOTES, THAT'S HOW DEMOCRACY WORKS, PRESIDENT

  • GRUNT!

  • HE ALSO HASN'T APPEARED IN PUBLIC SINCE THURSDAY NIGHT,

  • WHEN HE RALLIED THE NATION WITH HIS HOPEFUL MESSAGE, "MY FELLOW

  • AMERICANS, STAND BACK: I HAVE A HEAT RAY."

  • BUT SOME OF HIS LACKEYS HAVE BEEN MORE THAN WILLING TO STEP

  • UP AND EMBARRASS THEMSELVES.

  • LIKE TRUMP'S ATTORNEY AND MAN SHOWING WHERE HE'S GONNA GET HIS

  • PRISON TATTOOS, RUDY GIULIANI.

  • GIULIANI IS ACCUSING EVERYONE IN AMERICA OF VOTER FRAUD, AND HE

  • HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE FOR TRUMP ON SATURDAY, WHICH TRUMP

  • ANNOUNCED ON TWITTER WOULD TAKE PLACE AT THE FOUR SEASONS,

  • PHILADELPHIA.

  • WHICH IS A LOVELY HOTEL.

  • BUT HE QUICKLY CORRECTED THAT TO FOUR SEASONS TOTAL LANDSCAPING.

  • NOW, HOW THIS HAPPENED IS UNCLEAR.

  • MY GUESS?

  • INCOMPETENCE.

  • ONE THEORY IS THAT SOMEONE IN THE CAMPAIGN MISTOOK THE VENUE

  • FOR A LUXURY HOTEL.

  • EMBARRASSING, BUT NOT THE FIRST TIME SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAS

  • HAPPENED.

  • AFTER ALL, WHO CAN FORGET WHEN F.D.R., STALIN, AND CHURCHILL

  • MET AT THE YALTA DISCOUNT TOILET EMPORIUM.

  • FLUSH DEFUEHRER!

  • MISTAKE OR NOT, THEY HELD THE PRESS CONFERENCE AT THE LOADING

  • DOCK OF THE LANDSCAPER.

  • HERE'S WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE: THAT'S QUITE AN IMAGE.

  • PROJECTS POWER.

  • LOOKS LIKE THE PENGUIN ANNOUNCING LAYOFFS TO HIS

  • HENCHMEN.

  • LOOKS LIKE A "STORAGE WARS" EPISODE HOSTED BY THE CRYPT

  • KEEPER.

  • IT LOOKS LIKE THE DEDICATION OF A NEW PERFORMING ARTS CENTER AT

  • CHERNOBYL.

  • ALTHOUGH IT'S POSSIBLE GIULIANI GOES THERE ALL THE TIME.

  • I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF HIS DENTIST REQUIRES LANDSCAPING

  • TOOLS.

  • EVEN WORSE, BUT ALSO SOMEHOW BETTER, FOUR SEASONS TOTAL

  • LANDSCAPING IS RIGHT BY A CREMATORIUM AND AN ADULT VIDEO

  • STORE.

  • MAKES SENSE.

  • THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IS SOMEWHERE BETWEEN SCREWED AND DEAD.

  • IN THE PRESSER ITSELF, GIULIANI ANNOUNCED A UNIQUE THEORY AS TO

  • HOW PHILADELPHIA WENT SO STRONGLY FOR BIDEN.

  • >> IN PHILADELPHIA, THEY KEEP THE VOTE OF DEAD PEOPLE SECRET.

  • AT LEAST THAT IS SOMETHING THAT YOU CAN BE COMMENDED FOR.

  • THERE ARE DEAD PEOPLE VOTING, NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.

  • >> STEPHEN: FORGET ABOUT DEAD PEOPLE VOTING, THERE'S A DEAD

  • GUY HOLDING A PRESS CONFERENCE RIGHT OUTSIDE THE CREMATORIUM!

  • SOMEONE CALL THE GHOSTBUSTERS!

  • SO, THE PRESIDENT DOESN'T WANT TO ADMIT THAT IT'S OVER, BUT IT

  • IS.

  • AND WHEN HE LEAVES, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO?

  • SLEEP.

  • BUT ALSO, THE POSSIBILITY THAT, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOUR

  • YEARS, WE WILL BE ABLE TO SHIFT OUR COLLECTIVE FOCUS AWAY FROM

  • HIM ONTO ANYTHING ELSE.

  • MAYBE EACH OTHER.

  • WOULDN'T THAT BE NICE?

  • I GOT UP THIS MORNING, WALKING DOWN THE STEPS, AND I JUST FELT

  • ALL THIS AVAILABLE BRAIN SPACE.

  • AND THERE ISN'T ANYTHING OCCUPYING IT YET.

  • IT'S LIKE A CLEAN KITCHEN COUNTER WHERE SOMETHING COULD BE

  • MADE IF WE'RE JUST NOT CLUTTERING IT UP WITH THAT GUY.

  • SATURDAY AFTERNOON RIGHT AFTER WE HEARD JOE HAD CLINCHED THE

  • ELECTORAL COLLEGE, WE WERE ON THE PORCH, AND I SAT DOWN AND

  • JUST STARTED CRYING WITH RELIEF, AND EVIE SAID, YOU NEVER HAVE TO

  • TALK ABOUT HIM AGAIN, AND THEN I CRIED WITH JOY.

  • NOW, OBAMA WAS A CHARISMATIC GUY, A LOT OF PEOPLE ACCUSED HIM

  • OF BEING A CELEBRITY, BUT THERE WERE WHOLE DAYS WHEN YOU DIDN'T

  • THINK ABOUT HIM.

  • REMEMBER THAT?

  • PROBABLY NOT BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T THINKING ABOUT HIM.

  • I THINK IT HELPED US SLEEP THAT WE KNEW THAT OBAMA SLEPT.

  • FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS, IF YOU WERE UP LATE DOOM SCROLLING,

  • YOU'D SEE THE PRESIDENT UP DOUCHE TWEETING.

  • I'M ALSO LOOKING FORWARD TO, I DON'T KNOW, PEOPLE BEING NICER.

  • INCLUDING ME.

  • ONE OF THE THINGS ABOUT THIS JOB THAT I HAVE FOUND IS THAT I TEND

  • TO REFLECT BACK THE NATIONAL TONE.

  • AND THAT TONE COMES FROM THE TOP.

  • THE PRESIDENT'S ONLY EMOTIONS ARE "ANGRY," "LOOK AT ME," AND

  • "I'M ANGRY YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT ME."

  • AND BECAUSE HE WAS THE ONLY THING WE WERE FOCUSED ON FOR THE