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  • - Hello, world.

  • My name's Stephen LaConte.

  • If you've spent any time on BuzzFeed,

  • you might know me as the guy

  • who does the advice column there.

  • Basically, the way it works is people DM me

  • on Instagram and Twitter.

  • People send me their wildest, craziest,

  • juiciest, most interesting problems,

  • and I try to solve as many of them

  • as I possibly can right here on BuzzFeed.

  • For as long as I can remember,

  • I've been the guy that my friends turn

  • to whenever they need advice.

  • I don't really know why.

  • I'm a hot mess in virtually every life department,

  • but I like to think I'm a logical,

  • practical, reasonable guy.

  • Quick disclaimer before we start.

  • I'm not a therapist.

  • Please go to therapy.

  • That would not be me.

  • That would be an accredited person

  • who does things much smarter than me.

  • That said, let's do this thing.

  • (bell ringing)

  • So I recently got a DM from someone who wants to know

  • whether they should meet up

  • with their old high school teacher.

  • "Dear Stephen," that's me.

  • "I'm currently 23 years old and I'm talking

  • "to my former high school teacher.

  • "Yes," in all capitals, "I know what it must

  • "sound like, but hear me out.

  • "He taught in my school for a year

  • "and moved away to pursue a career in law.

  • "He's a lawyer now.

  • "And that was 10 years ago.

  • "I haven't met him since.

  • "We've only started talking recently

  • "and we have an 11-year age difference."

  • Okay, so let's just do some quick mental math here.

  • She's 23 years old now, she had him 10 years ago,

  • which I guess means she was 13 when she had him.

  • Now she's 23 and he's 11 years older than her,

  • which means he's 34.

  • "We connect so well because we bond

  • "over work, politics and dogs.

  • "He would text me every day, but nothing too inappropriate.

  • "He's also expressed how he wants

  • "to see me in real life and have a conversation in person.

  • "Is this a bad idea?"

  • So your question was, "Is this a bad idea?"

  • Could we flip that and ask a different question?

  • If your question is, "Is this a good idea?"

  • That one I can answer and I'm pretty sure the answer is no.

  • The guy taught you when you were 13.

  • That's pretty young.

  • You're both consenting adults now,

  • perfectly capable of doing whatever you wanna do,

  • but the fact remains you were 13 years old when you met him.

  • I can't help. but think there's something

  • a little bit off about a man who would take on

  • the very important responsibility of educating young people

  • in their most formative, vulnerable, impressionable years,

  • and then that same guy has the capacity

  • to turn around and date one of them?

  • I'm not saying it's illegal,

  • but I am saying it's a little weird, right?

  • If you were 20 years out of high school

  • or 30 years out of high school

  • and your teenaged life was long forgotten,

  • maybe it wouldn't be that big of a deal.

  • And that's just the teacher aspect of things.

  • I would also have concerns about the age difference,

  • even if that man had never been responsible

  • for educating you.

  • And that's gonna bring me to a segment

  • I call Stephen speaks in sweeping generalizations

  • that are probably gonna get him in trouble with commenters.

  • There are plenty of people out there

  • who have age differences with their partners

  • and they're totally in love and happy

  • and have a great relationship.

  • There's nothing wrong with that.

  • However, when a 34-year-old wants to date a 23-year-old,

  • I think it's worth at least asking a few questions.

  • An 11-year age difference isn't unheard of.

  • It's not obscene.

  • And the older you get the less of a gap it becomes.

  • A 40-year-old dating a 51-year-old,

  • that's really no big deal at all,

  • but the difference in life

  • between a 23-year-old and a 34-year-old is vast.

  • Sometimes when a 34-year-old wants

  • to date someone in their very early twenties,

  • it means there's something else going on.

  • Maybe they're kind of immature and they don't wanna grow up.

  • Maybe there are weird things about them

  • that a partner their own age would know to look for,

  • but someone younger wouldn't recognize.

  • Maybe it means they're looking for a partner

  • over whom they can exert some power or control.

  • These things are not always true by any means,

  • but it's worth asking yourself those questions

  • before you get into a relationship

  • with someone 11 years older than you.

  • Okay, but I wanna bring an expert in here

  • because, fact is, I'm not a teacher.

  • I'm just a guy.

  • I'd be really curious to know what someone

  • who actually teaches 13-year-olds thinks of this.

  • Lucky for me, one of my best friends

  • in the world happens to be a teacher of 13-year-olds.

  • I think I might call her. (phone ringing)

  • Are you there?

  • - [Friend] Hi.

  • - I need your help.

  • (laughing) - Okay, what's up?

  • - The teacher, like, maybe asked her out on a date.

  • It's kind of unclear.

  • She just wants to know if she should meet up

  • with this old teacher first for a date or not.

  • From a teacher who teaches 13-year-olds' perspective,

  • is this a bad idea?

  • - [Friend] This is 1000% a bad idea.

  • This is shady as hell. (laughing)

  • - Okay, tell me why.

  • - [Friend] There's a lot to unpack here.

  • He taught me for a year and then moved on to something else.

  • Fine.

  • That's the general time that most teachers

  • teach their students, right?

  • You're with these kids for a year and then they move on.

  • What happens though, is that these kids basically

  • in your mind are always gonna be the age they were

  • when you taught them.

  • So, for instance, I taught first grade.

  • Those kids are in sixth grade now, which is horrifying,

  • but whenever I see them, like, in my mind,

  • they're still those first graders that I taught

  • and they're just like little kids, right?

  • Second of all, 13-year-olds are unmistakably still children.

  • Like, I don't care if you're the most emotionally mature,

  • self-possessed, physically developed 13-yeah- old

  • in the world, like, you are still visibly a child.

  • So like, it would have been weird then.

  • It's definitely weird now because the way he's viewing her

  • in his mind's eye is still from when she was 13

  • and was still a kid.

  • Does that make sense?

  • - It does make sense.

  • So let's present a hypothetical scenario here.

  • You have a bunch of 13-year-old students right now.

  • 10 years from now. - No.

  • - You haven't spoken to this student,

  • - No, no. - but 10 years from now,

  • what if they're really, really hot?

  • - [Friend] No, there is no hypothetical situation

  • you could give me where 10 years from now,

  • like, what, I'm gonna teach them

  • about "To Kill a Mockingbird" and then 10 years,

  • try to date them?

  • Like, that's not going to happen.

  • - I do have one confession, though,

  • I just, part of me does feel

  • like a fraud with this whole thing.

  • The two of us went to the same high school.

  • I don't know if I've ever told you this,

  • but once upon a time, I did find one

  • of our old teachers on Tinder - Oh god.

  • - and I did match with him.

  • (record scratching) (friend laughing)

  • - That's not weird from your end, Stephen.

  • It's totally normal for students

  • to have crushes on their teachers.

  • It's super weird from the teacher's perspective.

  • Because ultimately-- - That's exactly what I said.

  • That's exactly what I said.

  • - There's this thing with education

  • called in loco parentis, which is Latin,

  • that basically just means that when students

  • are in school, you're in the place

  • of the parent as the responsible adult,

  • who's looking out for that kid, right?

  • That's why mandated reporting laws exist.

  • You're the adult in the room

  • that's looking out for the welfare of that child.

  • So it's not like a parent child relationship

  • that gets developed between teachers and students,

  • but that's the general vibe is that it's like,

  • you're just literally supposed to be

  • the responsible adult in the room, looking out for that kid

  • and definitely not thinking about wanting to date them ever

  • in any hypothetical situation. (laughing)

  • - So what you're saying is,

  • it's a good thing that I never met up with that teacher.

  • - [Friend] It's a great thing you never met

  • up with this person.

  • I'm definitely gonna text you after this

  • to find out who it was 'cause I'm super curious.

  • - Thank you very much.

  • You are such a huge help to me with this.

  • I really appreciate it.

  • - [Friend] No problem.

  • - So it's time for my final thoughts here.

  • At the end of the day, it really has

  • to be your decision, not mine.

  • The truth is, if you've really connected

  • with this guy, if you're attracted to him,

  • if you think you're really like him,

  • you're probably gonna meet up with him

  • no matter what the guy on BuzzFeed tells you to do.

  • I hope me and my friend have given you

  • some things to think about here

  • and some important questions to ask yourself,

  • but at the end of the day, it's got to be your decision.

  • And now I'm gonna turn to the viewers at home.

  • What do you guys think?

  • Should she go on the date?

  • Should she head for the hills?

  • Sound off in the comments with what you would do

  • if you were in her situation.

  • I'm gonna read these comments

  • 'cause personally. I would love to know what you guys think.

  • Oh, and if you guys have any questions for me,

  • if you've got a problem, you want me to solve, DM me.

  • I'll do my best.

  • (upbeat music)

- Hello, world.

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A2 teacher date bad idea taught high school age

Should I Date My Old High School Teacher? • Ask Stephen

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/11/05
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