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  • Welcome to a late Show.

  • I'm Stephen Colbert.

  • I take slight exception to the way we announced share tonight.

  • John Oliver share.

  • No, it's John Oliver share Did share.

  • Do something to our announcer share share.

  • Alright, chair share.

  • I'm so excited about share.

  • John Oliver is nice, folks.

  • We are 23 ish minutes away from November 3rd the day we've all been hope dreading while laugh screaming at our dooms growing.

  • Tomorrow night we will be live on Showtime at 11 PM for our Election Night Special.

  • If you don't have Showtime, just sign up for the free trial.

  • It's free.

  • And who doesn't love a trial?

  • I like to throw a free one for Trump next year at The Hague.

  • Serve.

  • Just think of the ratings.

  • A lot of Americans air nervous right now, and I get that this is the most high stakes election of my lifetime, and I include when Ruben Studdard beat Clay Aiken.

  • There were riots stores had to be boarded up with, you know, would over their windows and everything.

  • That's a board of things right with wood.

  • Circuit City Blockbuster never recovered, but personally, I'm oddly calm.

  • I'm approaching tomorrow with the language placidity of the blue whale.

  • My heart beats, but eight times a minute I'm the most relaxed I've been for months because it 11 38 the night before the election.

  • What you gonna do?

  • I think we can officially say we have given Donald Trump a chance.

  • Jared, you have 22 minutes to achieve Middle East peace.

  • Get them to agree that Hamas is delicious and just build from there.

  • You see, I think everyone has made up their mind back in 2017.

  • In fact, have you seen Trump's approval numbers?

  • That's flatter than the Black Rock Desert?

  • You could set a land speed record on 44%.

  • So to quote Jim Lovell from Apollo 13 Isaac Newton is in the driver's seat.

  • Now we're in the grip off the gravitational forces of democracy, which air pulling us toward the results.

  • It's like our country is a deep space object falling toward a black hole.

  • Either we're gonna get sucked over the event horizon into a well of corruption that not even votes can escape from or will use this gravity well toe sling shot and pick up speed and go off in an entirely new direction.

  • Maybe that planet where Baby Yoda lives.

  • He's cute.

  • This is a test of the strength of American voters, but also of the institutions we have built.

  • This president has exposed a lot of weaknesses in our government, but it just needs to hold together for one last run.

  • Our democracy is like the Millennium Falcon.

  • She ain't pretty.

  • But remember when she passed the Voting Rights Act in 12 parsecs?

  • Who could forget the immortal words of Lyndon Johnson when he signed it?

  • Biden continues to lead the national polls by 8 to 10 points, depending on who you ask, but it's closer in the swing states fat.

  • In fact, last night's FiveThirtyEight Nate Silver bluntly stated, I'm here to remind you that Trump can still win.

  • Thanks for the reminder, Nate.

  • It's something that hadn't occurred to me while I stared unblinking of the ceiling for the past four years.

  • But if Trump does end up losing, I'm sure he will be gracious when he pretends that he won because, according to Axios, Trump plans to declare premature victory.

  • Premature is no surprise.

  • Like he always says to his ladies, I was first I win sex.

  • Now Trump has issued a non denial denial about premature victory declarations.

  • But he said he doesn't want any of the mail in ballots, which appear to be leaning heavily Democratic, to be counted after November 3rd.

  • So he's just redefining, premature as any time he's not winning.

  • I think it's a terrible thing when ballots could be collected after an election.

  • I think it's a terrible thing when people are states are allowed to tabulate ballots for a long period of time after the election is over.

  • What he doesn't understand is that democracy is not done until all the votes are counted.

  • You definitely don't want Trump cooking the Thanksgiving turkey.

  • It's turkey sashimi.

  • Keep chewing.

  • The gobbling means it's fresh.

  • And for all of his vague denials, he has admitted he's going to try to shut down the count.

  • We're going to go in tonight of as soon as that elections over.

  • We're going in with our lawyers.

  • The people have spoken and they better lawyer up because my attorney is going to sue them for libel.

  • At a rally in Pennsylvania, Trump painted a dark picture of an America that counted all the votes November 3rd is going to come and go and we're not going to know.

  • And you're gonna have bedlam in our country, and you're gonna have this period of nine days or seven days or whatever it is and many bad things, Really.

  • You've been president for four years.

  • We've spent the last eight months without human contact and holding our breath so we won't murder Nana.

  • I think we can handle many bad things for seven and nine days.

  • Plus is the New York Times and every other publication in existence?

  • Points out, we have never had final results on Election Day.

  • There's a reason Inauguration Day used to be.

  • In March, the votes used to be loaded on ox carts and hey, wanes and driven to the county seat so they could be tabulated on the birch bark and then hold on canal boats to the capital.

  • The day of things, just a made up television network event.

  • There's absolutely no precedent for a president to actually, I win.

  • E one unexpected swing state this year is Texas.

  • Some Texans aren't into the swinging lifestyle because on Friday a bus carrying Biden Harris staffers were surrounded by a group of armed Trump supporters and pickup trucks who tried to run them off the road.

  • Well, it took two years, but Texas is finally being menaced by Trump's terrorist caravan.

  • That is chilling.

  • And I believe we have a wider shot of it, don't we, Jim?

  • Oh, black way.

  • This kind of highway hooliganism has no place in a free country.

  • So obviously Trump was super into it.

  • Did you see the cars today?

  • The from all over the place?

  • They had the thing with these.

  • Really?

  • I'd say very good people.

  • They were riding along the highway and you had sleepy jobs Bus.

  • So they escorted the bus and the radical left.

  • I don't want a horrible thing that is, to escort the bus.

  • Clearly false.

  • But I'm guessing not the first time Trump has lied about an escort.

  • Now all of this is happening in the face of the surging pandemic.

  • The United States just passed 230,000 deaths and set a new record for single day infections.

  • 100,000.

  • And the large campaign rallies held by patient zero in chief are not helping.

  • In fact, a group of Stanford University economists estimate that There have been a least 30,000 coronavirus infections and 700 deaths as a result of 18 campaign rallies.

  • President Trump held Trump doesn't have a campaign.

  • He's got the touring company of Typhoid Mary Poppins.

  • And hey, if you need a cooling balm to apply to your stress induced mild to severe plaque psoriasis, take a moment right now and let me prescribe you this video off former President Barack Obama E O.

  • That's what I do.

  • Oh my God, He got hotter.

  • Our country's ex boyfriend got hotter.

  • Is he doing peloton?

  • Look at that.

  • But put that in tennis shorts.

  • Why did we ever stop dating this guy?

  • He's swishing three pointers in church shoes while our new boyfriend needs two hands to drink water.

  • Take a breath.

  • It's fine.

  • I'm sure there are plenty of videos of our new boyfriend playing basketball.

  • Okay, we gotta dump this loser, but just one bit of advice.

  • Barack Obama.

  • You know I love you, but your Biden's wingman Now you follow him out of rooms, okay?

  • He's the one America's supposed to want to go home with when the bar closes.

  • Quit draining threes.

  • Just stand back and cheer when Joe gets yacht Sea.

  • Now, with the election coming up tomorrow, all the nervous anticipation might make it hard to sleep tonight.

  • It might feel like Christmas Eve.

  • If last Christmas Santa took a dump down your chimney, I'm sure a lot of you wish you could just relax and skip ahead to when all the votes were counted.

  • Well, thankfully, the Late Show has a new sponsor who can help anxious about the election overwhelmed by worry?

  • Wish you could know the results sooner than ask your doctor about.

  • Drink it in the only prescription strength formula to mix rye and corn mash, then aged them in oak barrels.

  • To create a rich balanced finish, Drink it in targets.

  • Election stress by reducing tension, lowering inhibitions and eliminating all awareness of the Electoral College.

  • And if you can't rest until every vote is counted, drink it ins.

  • Time release formula will release you from time by entering your body into a non medically induced coma.

  • Side effects may include headache, liver, a loss of vision, loss of car keys, loss of friends, drowsy mouth, sudden heart repeating yourself, meal pattern blandness, Late onset karaoke.

  • Repeating yourself.

  • Restless genital syndrome and upset spouse Do not consume.

  • Drink it in if you are pregnant thinking of becoming pregnant or checking instagram to see if your ex is pregnant.

  • Election strength.

  • Drink it in.

  • Drink your election blues away.

  • Or maybe the election reds.

  • Oh, God, Who's gonna win this thing?

  • We've got a great show for you tonight.

  • Later, I'll be talking to share, But when we come back, John Oliver's here.

  • Stick around.

  • Yeah, Come.

Welcome to a late Show.

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B2 trump election drink john oliver premature oliver

Stephen Colbert Remains Calm As America Braces For An Election Day Like No Other

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/11/03
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