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  • -Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"

  • and the week that everyone wants to go away.

  • Seriously, can we just skip this week?

  • I mean, no one wants this week.

  • If 2020 was a week, this would be it.

  • We don't want this week.

  • Let's get to the news and jokes. Well, guys, we're almost there.

  • We made it to the night before the election.

  • Seriously, I haven't felt this stressed out

  • since literally every day since March.

  • [ Laughter ] That's right --

  • it's election eve, and everyone is nervous.

  • President Trump's gonna spend all night

  • waiting for Vladimir Putin to come down the chimney.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Russian accent ] Heh-heh-heh.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Normal voice ] Seriously, I feel like

  • I'm at the very top of a roller coaster,

  • and I know the guy in front of me is going to throw up.

  • It's like... [ Laughter ]

  • "Just brace yourself, man. Ohh! Come on."

  • Yup, tomorrow, the only places

  • that'll be more crowded than the polls

  • are liquor stores. [ Laughter ]

  • "Three bottles of Tito's?

  • Yeah, that should get me through the night."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Here's how tense things are --

  • earlier today, I walked in on my stress doll squeezing himself.

  • [ Laughter ] "Someone's in here! Ohhh!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Someone's in here!"

  • A lot of people are -- across the country

  • are really stressed about tomorrow's election,

  • but I saw this commercial for something that can help.

  • Check it out.

  • -State of the world got you down?

  • Want to release the tension building inside of you?

  • Take your mind off your problems with the Fidgey Whatsy!

  • The Fidgey Whatsy is a new stress-relief toy

  • here just in time for the election.

  • You can spin it. You can squeeze it.

  • You can spin and squeeze it.

  • Uh, yeah, that's been happening.

  • We built these for the amount of stress

  • people were having two months ago,

  • not off-the-charts numbers this week.

  • But don't worry -- that's why we started

  • selling them in packs of 20.

  • See how many you can break!

  • The Fidgey Whatsy --

  • for when you need to make the next two days go fast.

  • -That's right. [ Applause ]

  • I saw heading into tomorrow that Trump leads

  • by 21 points among white voters without a college degree.

  • In other words Trump is leading with any voter

  • who attended Trump University.

  • [ Laughter ] And this is big.

  • I saw that Biden leads Trump among black voters

  • by a count of 87 to 5.

  • Hang on -- never mind.

  • That was actually the score of yesterday's Chiefs/Jets game.

  • Never mind. [ Audience groans ]

  • -Ohh!

  • -But listen to this -- Trump has apparently told people

  • that he's going to declare victory tomorrow night

  • if it looks like he's ahead.

  • Trump said this isn't true.

  • He's gonna declare victory if he's ahead or behind.

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • "It's close in Casper, Wyoming? Release the balloons."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's like the guy on "Man v. Food"

  • taking one bite from a 30-foot burrito

  • and slapping his name on the wall.

  • "I basically did it, right? You don't --

  • You really want to see me eat the whole -- Come on."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • What do you think is going to happen?

  • The "Man v. Food" guy.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • At this point, the only thing Trump can declare

  • without anyone questioning him is bankruptcy.

  • [ Audience oohs ] -Mm.

  • -Yep. Trump told confidantes that,

  • if he's ahead on election night,

  • he's planning on just declaring victory early.

  • I thought this was pretty much unheard of,

  • but then I was watching TV last night.

  • It turns out it's more common than you think.

  • Check this out.

  • -Are you an older gentleman?

  • Are you running for president in tightly contested race?

  • We know what you're going through,

  • and we know it might be embarrassing,

  • but you're not alone.

  • Premature election.

  • Because not everyone can raise their polls.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -Well, after his plan to declare victory got out,

  • Trump denied it to reporters,

  • but check out when he said about counting ballots.

  • -I think it's a terrible thing

  • when ballots can be collected after an election.

  • I don't think it's fair that we have to wait

  • a long period of time after the election.

  • -So instead of the Biden/Harris campaign bus,

  • Trump supporters will switch to running mail trucks

  • off the road.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's always a good time when your candidate says,

  • "As long as nobody counts the ballots, the election is ours."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But heading into tomorrow, everybody's eyes on the polls,

  • especially in swing states.

  • Listen to this.

  • -In the critical battleground states,

  • a poll from "The New York Times" and Siena College

  • shows Biden leading Trump in four key states --

  • up by 6 points in Arizona, 3 in Florida,

  • 6 in Pennsylvania, and 11 points in Wisconsin.

  • -At this point, the best thing Biden can do

  • to win the election is to lose his voice.

  • "Just don't say anything, don't do anything, just --

  • don't put your glasses on or take them off --

  • just don't do anything.

  • Get the corn dog away from him.

  • No corn dog! No corn dog! No!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Don't do it. Just stay home."

  • It's like bringing a kid into antique store.

  • "Don't touch anything. Just don't touch anything.

  • I know it looks like it's -- just don't touch."

  • Of course, Trump is trying to do

  • whatever he can to turn things around.

  • He's been holding rally after rally across the country.

  • Check it out.

  • -14 states between Saturday and today.

  • They are focused on Pennsylvania.

  • -Trump will spend the entire day on the road,

  • holding five rallies,

  • his final one -- late tonight in Michigan.

  • That's also where he held his final rally back in 2016.

  • -Yep, he wants everything to be the same as 2016.

  • That's why Trump spent half the rally

  • doing the mannequin challenge.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Let's talk about the Democratic ticket.

  • Today, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris

  • held their final campaign events in Pennsylvania,

  • where they were joined by some special guests.

  • -Joe Biden will be in Pittsburgh today, accompanied by Lady Gaga.

  • Senator Kamala Harris be over in Philadelphia with John Legend.

  • The Democrats obviously hoping that some star power

  • will add some attention to their campaign.

  • -Yeah, Lady Gaga in Pittsburgh makes sense.

  • I mean, her dresses have single-handedly

  • kept the steel industry in business.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Backstage, Biden was like,

  • "Say, did you ever tour with a fella named Whistlin' Frank?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Played the spoons."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Back in Washington, everyone is on edge about tomorrow.

  • And at the White House, they're beefing up security.

  • Look at this.

  • -Less than 24 hours before the big day,

  • there is a non-scalable fence

  • expected to go back up around the White House today.

  • -At this point, I'm not sure if Trump's trying

  • to keep protesters out or keep himself in.

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • Oh, and this is making a lot of news.

  • At a rally last night in Florida,

  • the crowd started chanting, "Fire Fauci!"

  • And Trump had a very interesting response.

  • Take a look.

  • [ Crowd chants "Fire Fauci "] -Hmm.

  • [ Chanting continues ]

  • -Don't tell anybody, but let me wait till

  • a little bit after the election, please.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • I appreciate the advice.

  • -Mm. In a few days, we might be getting COVID updates

  • from Dr. Lil Wayne.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The campaign has finally drawn to a close.

  • And after hundreds of rallies, I think this clip best sums up

  • Trump's closing argument

  • for why he believes he deserves a second term.

  • ♪♪

  • -If you're Italian, do you happen to like

  • Christopher Columbus?

  • "Chris-to-for." Huh?

  • -What?!

  • ♪♪

  • -How another one of Trump's strongest closing arguments?

  • -Yeah.

  • ♪♪

  • -You know why they're trying to talk everybody out of voting?

  • People aren't buying it, CNN, you dumb bastards.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • ♪♪

  • [ Laughter continues ]

  • -Well, this is a big story.

  • The Biden campaign canceled an event in Texas

  • after a pretty scary incident. Watch this.

  • -A caravan of President Trump supporters

  • surrounding a Biden/Harris bus.

  • The vehicles tried to slow down the bus

  • and also run it off the road.

  • -Yeah, great.

  • That was my biggest complaint about this year --

  • it wasn't quite "Mad Max" enough.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, speaking of driving,

  • check out what Hertz is doing to help people vote.

  • -Hertz, meanwhile, is helping people get the polls.

  • Starting today, as part of its drive to vote program,

  • any customer who rents a car for two or more days

  • will get a free rental day.

  • -Dollar Rental was planning the same thing,

  • but, unfortunately, all their cars

  • are "active crime scenes."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Chuckles ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Here's some news from overseas.

  • [ Laughs ]

  • That joke's too real for a couple of people.

  • "Yeah, that's scaring me." -Yeah, yeah.

  • [ Laughter ] -Here's some news from overseas.

  • Just came out that Prince William

  • had the coronavirus back in the spring.

  • Listen to this.

  • -Prince William, second in line to the British throne,

  • tested positive for coronavirus in April,

  • but, controversially, choosing to keep his diagnosis a secret.

  • -Man, Prince William must have gone crazy.

  • I mean, imagine being cooped up in just 795 rooms.

  • [ Laughter ] -Oh, man.

  • -Here's some news that isn't about the election or the virus.

  • A Canadian man sued Canada Dry for making false claims.

  • Let's see how that went.

  • A B.C. man has won a class-action lawsuit

  • against the makers of Canada Dry Ginger Ale.

  • Victor Cardoso alleged that the advertising slogan

  • "Made from Real Ginger" was misleading

  • and the product contained no ginger.

  • He was awarded $200,000, most of which will go to legal fees.