Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.

  • HELLO, JON!

  • >> Jon: HELLO!

  • >> Stephen: HEY, I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO OUR SHOW ON TUESDAY

  • NIGHT.

  • TO JUST REMIND PEOPLE, WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE HERE ON CBS.

  • WE'RE GOING TO BE OVER ON SHOWTIME.

  • >> Jon: YES, YES, COME ON NOW, COME WITH US.

  • >> Stephen: 11:00.

  • WE'RE GOING LOBBY LIVE.

  • WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SNACKS.

  • TELL PEOPLE WHERE YOU'LL BE.

  • >> Jon: IN PHILLY, UPLIFTING SPIRITS.

  • COME ON, MANIFEST THE RIGHTNESS, BABY.

  • >> Stephen: YOU GET TO EXERCISE YOUR FRANCHISE, AND YOU

  • GET A FREE CONCERT.

  • JON BATISTE, FRIENDS.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ THANK YOU, JON.

  • >> Jon: YES, INDEED.

  • >> Stephen: YOU KNOW, FOLKS, WITH ALL THE UNCERTAINTY IN THE

  • WORLD, THIS YEAR HAS BEEN INCREDIBLY STRESSFUL.

  • BUT IN MANY WAYS, I FEEL IT'S BROUGHT ME AND YOU, MY AUDIENCE,

  • CLOSER TOGETHER.

  • THAT'S WHY I'M FINALLY READY TO UNVEIL MY NEW SEGMENT:

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> "STEPHEN COLBERT'S INTIMATE

  • SECRETS.

  • SHHHHH!" >> Stephen: WELCOME TO

  • "STEVEN COLBERT'S INTIMATE SECRETS."'

  • TONIGHT, WE EXPLORE THE TITILLATING WORLD OF BODY

  • MODIFICATION.

  • I'VE RECENTLY LEARNED THAT THE NERVE ENDINGS IN THE MALE NIPPLE

  • ARE NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH-- I'M SORRY, AM I GETTING A CALL?

  • WHO IS IT?

  • JON STEWART!

  • >> HEY, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S SO GREAT TO SEE YOU.

  • >> I'M CALLING YOU ON THE PHONE!

  • >> Stephen: AND WE'RE ALSO TALKING ON THE COMPUTER.

  • IT'S THE FUTURE, JON.

  • >> IT'S THE FUTURE.

  • THEY PROMISED THIS TO US.

  • >> Stephen: WE'RE DOING THE SHOW!

  • I ALWAYS LOVE SEEING YOU, BUT WHAT-- WHY-- WHY-- WHO TO WHAT

  • DO I OWE THIS?

  • >> FIRST OF ALL, I GET AN ALARM ON MY PHONE WHENEVER YOU START

  • TO UNBUTTON YOUR SHIRT.

  • BUT I WANTED TO CALL AND SAY TO YOU, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, FRIEND.

  • >> THANK YOU.

  • >> I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU AND HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.

  • >> Stephen: I MISS YOU, TOO.

  • WHAT IS THE ANNIVERSARY WE'RE CELEBRATING, JON.

  • >> STEPHEN, 10 YEARS AGO, WE HAD THE RALLY.

  • WE HAD A BIG RALLY ON THE MALL ON WASHINGTON, D.C. IT WAS 10

  • YEARS AGO.

  • >> Stephen: RIGHT!

  • I ACTUALLY HAVE THE POSTER RIGHT HERE!

  • HOLD ON ONE SECOND.

  • >> WHAT?

  • >> Stephen: I'VE GOT IT RIGHT HERE.

  • IT'S THIS, THIS THING "THE RALLY TO RESTORE SANITY AND/OR FEAR."

  • I REMEMBER THAT.

  • 200,000 PEOPLE SHOWED UP.

  • WE HAD SO MANY GREAT PERFORMERS.

  • JEFF TWEETY, MAVIS STAPLES, OZZY OSBOURNE, SHERYL CROWE, TONY

  • BENNETT SANG "AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL!

  • >> WOW, WHAT A DAY IT WAS.

  • WE REALLY SHOWED GLENN BECK.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.

  • >> Stephen: REMEMBER YOUR PART WAS TO RESTORE THE SANITY.

  • AND I JOINED IN FOR "THE MARCH TO KEEP FEAR ALIVE."

  • >> YEAH, YOU... YOU WON.

  • >> Stephen: YES, I DID, YES, I DID.

  • >> IT WAS A SHUT-OUT.

  • >> Stephen: I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT, I WAS HOPING YOU--

  • >> A SHELLACKING.

  • I HAD NO IDEA FEAR WAS THAT STRONG.

  • >> Stephen: WELL, I WAS HOPING YOU WOULD WIN.

  • >> MAN, YOU AND ME BOTH.

  • BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

  • WE COULD DO A REMATCH.

  • I'LL PLAN A NEW ONE.

  • THERE'S A NEW ANNIVERSARY RALLY COMING, MAVIS, AND TWEETY, AND

  • TONY BENNETT.

  • WE'RE ALL GOING TO COME BACK.

  • WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SO MUCH FUN WE'RE GOING GOING TO CELEBRATE

  • AND -- >> Stephen: JON, JON.

  • >> IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT AND -- >> Stephen: JON.

  • >> YEAH.

  • >> Stephen: THERE'S NO RALLY.

  • >> NO.

  • >> Stephen: JON-- >> NO, NO.

  • >> Stephen: JON, HOW ARE YOU?

  • >> I'M NOT GOOD, STEPHEN.

  • I'M NOT GOOD.

  • I'M TERRIFIED.

  • I'M TERRIFIED.

  • I'M ANXIOUS.

  • I'M LONELY.

  • I'M WISHING IT WAS 2010 AGAIN.

  • I JUST-- I CAN'T, THE ELECTION AND THE PANDEMIC.

  • HOW MUCH CANNED SOUP AND AMMUNITION CAN ONE MAN HAVE,

  • STEPHEN?

  • >> Stephen: NEVER ENOUGH, JON.

  • >> DO YOU REMEMBER, I CAME ON THE SHOW, IT MUST HAVE BEEN 11

  • DAYS AFTER TRUMP'S INAUGURATION.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH.

  • >> AND IT HAD ALREADY FELT LIKE HE HAD ALWAYS BEEN PRESIDENT.

  • I REMEMBER SAYING, "THE PRESIDENCY IS SUPPOSED TO AGE

  • THE PRESIDENT, AND NOT THE PEOPLE."

  • >> Stephen: I DO REMEMBER.

  • I DO REMEMBER THAT.

  • >> DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG AGO THAT WAS?

  • >> Stephen: UHM...

  • >> 2 STON YEARS, STEPHEN.

  • IT WAS 271 -- >> Stephen: CAN WE CHECK THAT

  • OUT?

  • MY FACT-CHECKER SAYS THAT'S TRUE.

  • JON, WE'VE GOT-- YOU CAN FEEL BETTER BECAUSE WE'VE GOT THE

  • ELECTION JUST FOUR DAYS FROM NOW.

  • >> I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS GONNA HAPPEN.

  • I WANT TO KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER WE HAVE TO KEEP GOING THROUGH

  • THIS, WHERE WE ARE IN THIS-- IN THIS MARATHON.

  • YOU KNOW?

  • IS IT ON ELECTION DAY, ARE WE AT THE HEARTBREAK HILL?

  • DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

  • THAT-- ALL THAT EFFORT AND ALL THAT RESILIENCE IS ABOUT TO PAY

  • OFF?

  • WE'RE GOING TO CROSS THE FINISH LINE AND FINALLY BE ABLE TO

  • EXHALE.

  • OR IS THIS THE, YOU KNOW, HALF-WAY POINT, THE 13-MILE

  • MARK, AND WHEN MY NIPPLES WILL STOP BLEEDING.

  • THESE ARE-- THESE ARE QUESTIONS I NEED TO KNOW, STEPHEN.

  • >> Stephen: WELL, AS FOR WHERE WE ARE, THAT DEPENDS.

  • WHAT'S YOUR FINISH LINE?

  • >> THE FINISH LINE FOR ME IS-- IS THIS MAN NOT BEING PRESIDENT

  • ANYMORE AND 1,000 PEOPLE NOT DYING EVERY DAY FROM A DISEASE

  • WE DON'T UNDERSTAND STILL.

  • >> Stephen: OH, SO THE FINISH LINE IS YOUR FINISH LINE.

  • >> YES.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY WELL-- >> THE FINISH LINE IS THE FINISH

  • LINE!

  • GLI UNDERSTAND.

  • I UNDERSTAND.

  • I GET-- I GET IT NOW.

  • I DON'T-- I DON'T KNOW FOR CERTAIN, BUT I KNOW THAT WE'LL

  • KNOW ON TUESDAY.

  • >> WILL WE, STEPHEN, WILL WE.

  • >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW!

  • I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF WE'LL KNOW!

  • >> WE DON'T EVEN KNOW IF WE'LL KNOW ONED IT.

  • AND FOR GOD'S SAKE IF AN ASTEROID DOESN'T HIT US MONDAY

  • BECAUSE IT'S BEEN THAT KIND OF ( BLEEP ) YEAR.

  • >> Stephen: THERE IS-- BY THE WAY, YOU CAN'T SAY ( BLEEP ) ON

  • CBS.

  • I KNOW YOU HAVE THE NEW DEAL WITH APPLE, AND YOU CAN SAY

  • ANYTHING YOU WANT OVER THERE?

  • >> THAT'S ONLY ON PEOPLE'S IPOD S.

  • >> Stephen: THE ORIGINAL IPOD WITH THE SCROLL WHEEL?

  • THERE'S ACTUALLY AN ASTEROID COMING ON MONDAY.

  • THAT'S NOT MADE UP.

  • THERE IS ACTUALLY AN ASTEROID BUZZING BY THE PLANET ON MONDAY.

  • I'M GOING TO TALK TO MY GUEST NEIL deGRASSE TYSON.

  • >> IS THAT TRUE?

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S ACTUALLY TRUE.

  • >> I WAS MET FOR EXAMPLE.

  • I WAS BEING MET FOR EXAMPLE.

  • >> Stephen: JUDGE JON, IT'S 2020.

  • ALL METAPHORS ARE REAL NOW.

  • >> DID YOU EVER IMAGINE IN YOUR WILDEST DREAMS THAT THIS WOULD

  • BE LIFE.

  • >> Stephen: NO, I DID-- AND I READ A LOT OF SCIENCE FICTION.

  • I READ-- >> SEE, THAT'S--

  • >> Stephen: A LOT OF DISTONIANS.

  • AND I NEVER KNEW HOW STUPID OUR LEADERS WOULD BE.

  • >> DO YOU KNOW HOW JACKED UP ON SOMA I AM RIGHT NOW?

  • BUT THIS IS WHY-- AND THIS IS WHAT THE PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT

  • STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • THIS IS WHERE I LOOK TO YOU, BECAUSE YOUR FRAME OF REFERENCE,

  • YOU GO FROM BIBLICAL EDENS TO DISTONIAN FUTURES AND YOU HAVE

  • THE WHOLE BREADTH OF THAT CONTINUUM AT YOUR PHOTOGRAPHIC

  • MEMORY AND MINDSET, SO I ASK YOU NOW, STEPHEN, IS IT GOING TO BE

  • OKAY?

  • >> Stephen: OF COURSE.

  • >> AND YOU CAN GIVE ME SOMETHING FROM THAT-- FROM THAT ROLE BEX

  • -- >> Stephen: YES.

  • >> "LORD OF THE RINGS."

  • GIVE ME "LORD OF THE RINGS."

  • >> Stephen: I ALWAYS HAVE "LORD OF THE RINGS."

  • WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM "LORD OF THE RINGS"?

  • DO YOU WANT SOMETHING HOPEFUL FROM "LORD OF THE RINGS"?

  • >> YES, GIVES ME SOMETHING THAT BEARS OUT RESILIENCE.

  • >> Stephen: GIVE ME A SECOND.

  • I'M GOING THROUGH THE OLD TOL KIN OCCIP TOL ROLODEX HERE, DARK

  • TIMES BUT HOPEFUL.

  • GOT IT.

  • >> COME ON, COME ON, BABY.

  • >> Stephen: RETURN OF THE KING.

  • OVER THE MOUNTAINS OF SHADOW, THEY'RE ON THE PLANE OF

  • GORGOGORRING ON THE.

  • >> I KNOW WHAT THE PLAIN OF GORGOROTH IS, STEPHEN.

  • I'M FROM NEW JERSEY.

  • YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT.

  • FRODO IS PASSED OUT FROM THE STRESS OF RINGS.

  • HE CAN BARELY DRAG HIMSELF FORWARD.

  • AND SAM IS LOOKING OVER HIM.

  • AND HE'S THERE AT NIGHT, AND THEY'RE HIDING LIKE IN A LITTLE

  • CRATER ON THE PLANE, AND SAM LOOKS UP AT THE SKY, AND

  • TOLKIEN, RIGHT THERE, PEEPING, AMONG THE CLOUD RACK, ABOVE THE

  • DARK TOR, SAM SAW A WHITE STAR TWINKLE FOR A WHILE.

  • THE BEAUTY OF IT SMOTE HIS HEART, AS HE LOOKED UP OUT OF

  • THE FORSAKEN LAND, AND HOPE RETURNED TO HIM.

  • FOR LIKE A SHAFT, CLEAR AND COLD, THE THOUGHT PIERCED HIM

  • THAT IN THE END, THE SHADOW WAS ONLY A SMALL AND PASSING THING:

  • THERE WAS LIGHT AND HIGH BEAUTY FOR EVER BEYOND ITS REACH."

  • >> OH, MY GOD.

  • THATS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

  • I'M GOING TO CRY.

  • I WAS LIKE YOU'RE MY DOLLY PARTON.

  • YOU'RE GOING IT MAKE ME CRY WITH THAT.

  • WHAT IS THE RING IN THAT METAPHOR?

  • >> Stephen: YOUR ANXIETY.

  • YOUR ANXIETY.

  • >> BECAUSE I WAS PRETTY SURE MY IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME IS THE

  • RING.

  • >> Stephen: NO, THAT'S THE VOLCANO.

  • ANYWAY, JON, THIS HAS BEEN GREAT.

  • I GOT NEIL TYSON IN THE WINGS.

  • I HAVE TO GO GOING.

  • THANK YOU, THOUGH.

  • HEY, HAPPY-- HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MAN.

  • >> HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO YOU.

  • OH, MAN.

  • >> Stephen: I WOULD DO IT AGAIN IN A MINUTE.

  • AND THE MINUTE IT'S SAFE TO HOLD RALLIES AGAIN.

  • I LOVE YOU.

  • >> I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER DO IT AGAIN, BUT I REALLY ENJOY THAT

  • SENTIMENT.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH, ME, EITHER.

  • I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE NICE.

  • >> HELLO, FELLAS.

  • >> Stephen: TONY BENNETT!

  • >> Jon: TONY!

  • >> ♪ OH BEAUTIFULFOR SPACIOUS SKIES

  • >> WE'RE NOT DOING IT, TONY.

  • WE'RE NOT DOING THE 10-YEAR ANNIVERSARY.

  • >> 10 YEARS?

  • REALLY?

  • NO WONDER YOU LOOK SO OLD!

  • >> Stephen: JON STEWART AND TONY BENNETT, EVERYBODY!

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH NEIL deGRASSE TYSON TO TALK ABOUT

  • THAT ASTEROID!

WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."