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  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

  • EVERYBODY.

  • LET'S SAY HELLO TO OUR FRIEND JON BATISTE.

  • HELLO, JON.

  • >> Jon: HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON, STEPHEN?

  • HOW YOU DOING.

  • >> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT'S ON MY MIND RIGHT NOW IS THE PASSING

  • OF THE GREAT EDDIE VAN HALEN.

  • DIED TODAY AT AGE 65.

  • >> Jon: YUP, THE GREAT EDDIE VAN HALEN, TRUE GENIUS, WHO WILL

  • ALWAYS BE HERE WITH US THROUGH HIS MUSIC.

  • HIS SPIRIT IS GOING TO TRANSCEND HIS LIFETIME, FOR SURE.

  • >> Stephen: I'LL NEVER FORGET WHEN I WAS 15 YEARS OLD, I WENT

  • AND SPENT A COUPLE OF WEEKS WITH A FRIEND OF MINE IN ANOTHER

  • TOWN, A GUY NAMED BILL CLARK.

  • AND BILL SAID-- THIS IS 1979, I THINK, SOMETHING LIKE THAT,

  • 1979.

  • HE GOES, "SIT DOWN, I'M GOING TO PLAY AN ALBUM CALLED "WOMEN AND

  • CHILDREN FIRST."

  • AND HE-- WE LISTENED TO VAN HALEN ONE-- HELP ME OUT.

  • VAN HALEN ONE, VAN HALEN TWO, "WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST."

  • I REMEMBER HEARING "ERUPTION" FOR THE FIRST TIME.

  • "RUN WITH THE DEVIL."

  • "JAMIE'S CRYING."

  • UNBELIEVABLE.

  • 2 HE CHANGED WHAT I THOUGHT WAS POSSIBLE WITH A GUITAR.

  • WHAT A GENIUS.

  • >> Jon: HE HAD HIS OWN TECHNIQUE.

  • HE HAD HIS OWN SOUND.

  • I LOVE HEARING THOSE STORIES FROM QUINCY JONES WOULD TELL ME

  • ABOUT WHEN THEY WERE RECORD AGO.

  • >> Stephen: WAIT, QUINCY RECORDED VAN HALEN?

  • >> Jon: YES, OH, YES.

  • HE ROARED VAN HALEN, AND HE HAD A TECHNIQUE ABOUT HOW HE PLAYED

  • THAT HE WOULD ALWAYS COVER HIMSELF ON STAGE, BUT QUINCY GOT

  • A CHANCE TO SEE IT.

  • I LOOF THAT STUFF.

  • >> Stephen: I FORGOT HE WOULD TURN AWAY FOR HIS HAMMERINGS.

  • >> Jon: EXACTLY, EXACTLY.

  • HIS SOUND IS-- YOU CAN'T MATCH IT.

  • YOU CAN'T RECREATE THAT.

  • THAT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THE GENIUSES OF INSTRUMENTS, LIKE

  • THE PIANO AND GUITAR.

  • IT'S THE SAME THING.

  • BUT THEY MAKE IT SOUND LIKE THEM.

  • >> Stephen: WELL, JON, WOULD YOU MIND MAKING IT SOUND LIKE

  • YOU AS WE GO OUT TO TALK TO MR. JERRY SEINFELD?

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,

  • EVERYBODY, THANK YOU, JON.

  • MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A COMEDIAN, ACTOR, WRITER, AND PRODUCER WHO

  • HAS WRITTEN A NEW BOOK, "IS THIS ANYTHING?"

  • PLEASE WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW," JERRY SEINFELD.

  • HELLO, JERRY SEINFELD.

  • HOW ARE YOU?

  • >> YOU KNOW, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • HOW ARE YOU, SIR?

  • >> Stephen: I'M DOING OKAY.

  • IT'S REALLY NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

  • IT'S BEEN TOO LONG.

  • >> IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.

  • >> Stephen: THE LAST TIME YOU YOU WERE HERE YOU SAID ONE OF

  • THE THINGS YOU LIKED MOST ABOUT THE SHOW IS HOW UNCOMFORTABLE IT

  • WAS FOR ME HOW TO GREET THE GUESTS AFTER GOING DOWN THE TWO

  • STEPS.

  • >> IT SEEMED TO BE THE ONE LITTLE PIECE OF BEHAVIOR YOU

  • WERE STRUGGLING WITH AS YOU WERE TRYING TO TURN YOURSELF INTO A

  • TALK SHOW HOST, A NORMAL PERSON.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY.

  • >> AND I JUST ALWAYS NOTICED-- BUT I DON'T THINK-- IT WASN'T

  • REALLY COMPLETELY YOUR FAULT.

  • I DON'T THINK PEOPLE LIKE THAT MOMENT.

  • >> Stephen: WHAT-- WHAT-- >> THERE'S A LOT OF OPTIONS AND

  • THERE'S A LOT OF CONFUSION.

  • AND NOW THERE'S EVEN MORE.

  • >> Stephen: RIGHT.

  • AND HOW DO YOU LIKE THE ZOOM?

  • HOW IS THE AWKWARDNESS OF THIS?

  • DOES THIS FEEL-- >> THIS STINKS.

  • IT STINKS.

  • YOU KNOW, WE LIKE PEOPLE.

  • WE WANT TO BE IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.

  • ALTHOUGH, YOU AND I, I THINK, ARE ENTERTAINING IN ANY FORM.

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU.

  • I-- I WOULD AGREE WITH YOU.

  • >> YEAH.

  • >> Stephen: AS SOMEONE WHO ENJOYS AWKWARDNESS, IN THE

  • WORLD, NOT JUST IN THIS, IN THE WORLD DO YOU ENJOY THE

  • AWKWARDNESS YOU SEE WITH COVID?

  • BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW, LIKE, WHEN NECESSARILY TO SOCIALLY

  • DISTANCE OR IS THIS THE APPROPRIATE--

  • >> I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING I REALLY DON'T CARE FOR IS THE

  • LITTLE-- THAT SEEMS TO ACCOMPANY THE ELBOW ATTEMPT.

  • THERE'S AS YOU A LITTLE LAUGH LIKE...

  • >> Stephen: YES.

  • >> JUST EITHER DO TDON'T DO IT.

  • I DON'T THINK IT'S GOING TO LAST.

  • DO YOU THINK THE ELBOW THING IS GOING TO LAST?

  • >> Stephen: NO.

  • >> I DON'T THINK IT'S GOING TO LAST.

  • >> Stephen: AS SOON AS THERE'S A VACCINE THERE'S GOING TO BE A

  • GREAT RUBBING OF PARTS IN AMERICA AGAIN.

  • >> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S ALL GOING TO COME BACK OUT.

  • >> THERE'S YOUR NOVEL.

  • THERE'S YOUR NEXT NOVEL RIGHT THERE.

  • >> Stephen: WHAT'S IT LIKE-- YOU WORK OUT YOUR MATERIAL

  • METICULOUSLY, LIKE IN FRONT OF A CROWD.

  • >> METICULOUSLY.

  • I LOVE IT.

  • >> Stephen: NO AUDIENCE, HOARE YOU WORKING ANYTHING OUT?

  • OR IF YOU'RE NOT WORKING IT OUT, IS IT DRIVING YOU CRAZY?

  • >> YOU KNOW, I'M OKAY.

  • I LIKE TO JUST WRITE.

  • WRITING IS A-- IS A-- IS A LIFE MISSION, A WAY OF LIFE.

  • AND, YOU KNOW, I WAS ACTUALLY JUST WRITING BEFORE I WAS-- I

  • WAS OVER THERE, AND NOW I'M OVER HERE.

  • AND, YOU KNOW, IN YOUR MIND, WHEN YOU'RE WRITING,

  • EVERYTHING'S GREAT.

  • IN YOUR MIND, ALL THE MATERIAL WORKS.

  • AND THEN THE AUDIENCE TELLS YOU THE TRUTH.

  • >> Stephen: I'VE OFTEN THOUGHT THAT, THAT, LIKE THE MOMENT I GO

  • DO THE MATERIAL-- BECAUSE, OBVIOUSLY, I HAVE A TEAM OF

  • WRITERS AND EVERYTHING-- AND I READ THE SCRIPTS AND I THINK,

  • "OH, MY GOD.

  • THAT'S PERFECT SHEET MUSIC.

  • ALL I CAN DO NOW IS ( BLEEP ) UP THE WAY I PLAY THE VIOLIN.

  • DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

  • I HAVE TO-- I HAVE TO ADD SOMETHING TO IT OR ELSE I SHOULD

  • JUST GIVE THE SHEET MUSIC TO THE AUDIENCE.

  • >> IS THAT THE LANGUAGE WE USE NOW?

  • IS THAT OKAY?

  • >> Stephen: YEAH, IT IS.

  • CBS-- CBS IS FINE.

  • >> REALLY?

  • >> Stephen: CBS IS FINE ( BLEEP ) SUCKY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) YOU'VE GOT TO COME BACK TO

  • BROADCAST, JERRY!

  • THEY'RE GETTING KILLED BY CABLE.

  • THEY'LL LET ME SAY ANYTHING NOW!

  • LAST NIGHT I SAID ( BLEEP ).

  • AND THEY WERE LIKE, "HILARIOUS.

  • JUST DO IT."

  • EVERY WORD OF THAT SENTENCE JUST GOT BLEPPED, I THINK,

  • INCLUDING-- AND ESPECIALLY ( BLEEP ).

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I'M TIRED.

  • I'M A LITTLE TIRED.

  • I'M JUST A LITTLE TIRED.

  • I APOLOGIZE-- I APOLOGIZE FOR THE SALTY TALK.

  • I'VE BEEN SHOUTING-- I'VE BEEN SHOUTING JOKES INTO AN ALTOID

  • CAN AND THROWING IT OFF AN OVERPASS FOR EIGHT MONTHS NOW.

  • I HAVE NO IDEA IF ANYONE EVEN WATCHES THIS-- THERE'S NO THAT

  • HE WAS I'M NOT JUST SHOUTING THESE LITTLE--

  • >> I WATCH IT.

  • >> Stephen: YOU DO?

  • >> I WATCH IT.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S NICE, JERRY.

  • >> BUT, I MEAN, IT'S SAD, IT'S SAD, IT'S SAD TO WATCH.

  • ( LAUGHTER ).

  • >> Stephen: YEAH, IT'S A A KATHARTHSIS EITHER WAY.

  • >> I LIKE YOU AND I LIKE THE SHOW.

  • YOU KNOW, I WATCH IT FOR SOMEBODY I WANT TO SEE.

  • >> Stephen: YEAH.

  • >> AND-- BUT YOU'RE-- YOU'RE ESSENTIAL AWKWARDNESS AND

  • DISCOMFORT IS ALWAYS-- ALWAYS ENTERTAINS ME.

  • >> Stephen: OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

  • THEN YOU MUST HAVE REALLY ENJOYED THE FIRST COUPLE OF

  • MONTHS OF ME DOING THIS SHOW WITHOUT AN AUDIENCE.

  • >> I DID, I DID GLI WOULD JUST FINISH THE SHOW, CRAWL UNDER THE

  • COUCH, BURY MY FACE IN A PILLOW AND GO, "I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO

  • DO THIS."

  • WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY.

  • WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE JERRY SEINFELD.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

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