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  • My next guest has multiple specials on Netflix.

  • Of course you've seen him on Conan.

  • Please welcome all the way from India, Vir Das.

  • Vir, thank you so much for being here.

  • Hey man, it was no effort at all.

  • I walked six feet from the bedroom over to this chair

  • and I'm happy to be here. (laughing)

  • It's the easiest I've done.

  • Put your hat on. Yep.

  • No work went into this,

  • this is great. None at all.

  • I am not wearing underwear.

  • I haven't had a haircut in six months

  • and this is a, yeah, it's pretty easy.

  • Are you growing the hair out?

  • I've been growing out.

  • I'm in that awkward, like I just have like a,

  • it's like emo things, right now.

  • Yeah.

  • I'd say I'm in the, I think, yeah,

  • I think I hate my parents, but I don't know,

  • like I'm in that phase right now, so yeah.

  • Yeah.

  • We know we still desperately depend on them,

  • but we hate them.

  • I listen to five indie bands

  • and you don't know any of them.

  • That's the haircut, basically.

  • It'd be like their first stuff.

  • Whenever the first thing was we haven't heard it

  • cause our parents won't let us.

  • But you, you saying, did you go through an emo phase?

  • Outside of the big emo phase that the world is going

  • through right now? No.

  • Yeah.

  • Outside of this 6 billion people, existential crisis

  • that we live in right now.

  • No, it's been all right.

  • Like I was telling someone,

  • I think comedians,

  • especially like those of us who spend

  • a lot of time on the road,

  • we're pretty well trained for a lockdown.

  • Aren't we?

  • Like we just.

  • Yeah

  • you know, we're in our hotel all day.

  • We come out for an hour

  • and even then we don't like the people we meet

  • and then we leave for 10 minutes and go back home.

  • Isn't that life right now for everyone?

  • That's it.

  • You're on for 10 minutes,

  • you're locked up in the hotel.

  • It has been weird though.

  • Not having shows at night for me,

  • because I usually get away with like wasting

  • the entirety of the morning.

  • It's like the work is at night

  • and then 8:00 PM rolls around, you're like,

  • Oh, I didn't do anything.

  • Yeah.

  • And then you have to kind of deal with family and be like,

  • Oh, these people have dreams as well

  • and lives that I have missed out on this entire time.

  • But that's been fun.

  • Other people?

  • other people.

  • Yeah.

  • Are you going crazy a little bit not being able to travel?

  • Yeah.

  • This is the longest I've been in one place in 15 years,

  • like a decade or 15 years.

  • So I've gotten to know my wife again.

  • That's been interesting, like it's.

  • Right.

  • Did you learn her middle name yet?

  • No, but we've unlocked like new levels of fighting.

  • Which is nice.

  • I feel like normally we'd fight

  • and I'd have to like go on the road

  • or we'd fight and I'd have to go do a thing.

  • Now we fight this time then plot revenge and shit man.

  • So it's like,

  • (laughing)

  • Right.

  • I'm so glad you brought this up

  • because this has been happening to me.

  • I'm locked out with my girlfriend

  • and I'll notice that I'm fighting

  • just because I have the time to fight.

  • Like before I would just give up,

  • like I gotta go on the road.

  • You win.

  • She's gonna win anyway.

  • So it's just like, end it.

  • But now honestly, the other night I was like,

  • Oh yeah, you would say that, you're exactly like your mom.

  • (laughing)

  • I don't know that to be true at all.

  • I'm just trying to pass a Thursday.

  • I think also you go through like five reactions

  • to what they say,

  • and then you kinda go, Oh, COVID.

  • And then it's done,

  • where we're all seeing stuff that we just like,

  • we were fighting the other day

  • and she was like, you know what?

  • Burn in hell.

  • Which is like, that's a powerful thing to say.

  • when you're fighting about like Parmesan cheese

  • or something like that

  • and I was just like, this is jeez,

  • hell okay, COVID.

  • That's what this is.

  • And then you kind of let that go.

  • But you could just use that as a cop out for everything.

  • Just like listen.

  • Yeah.

  • I cheated on you.

  • But you know, COVID.

  • Man, I'm going to milk this thing

  • for at least three more years.

  • Like as long as, I don't care, if I'm freshly vaccinated,

  • I'm still milking this thing.

  • Yeah.

  • Are you doing the, like are you doing the elbow

  • when you meet people or are you doing like distant wave?

  • Yeah.

  • Yeah.

  • So a couple of things I'm doing like the, the elbow bumps,

  • some people are going for handshakes and I'm like no.

  • Yeah.

  • One guy the other day he was doing,

  • I was do this like virtual show

  • and then he was the guy checking in

  • and they'd tell me when to go.

  • Listen.

  • He would pull the mask off.

  • You'd be like,

  • so we're just gonna have you guys come in and out

  • and then, what was that?

  • Like, he could hear out of his mouth.

  • What are you doing?

  • What's the protocol, bumps?

  • I mean, we've had the namaste for years, right?

  • And now there's like American people

  • and British people doing the namaste and I'm like, no,

  • you don't get to do it.

  • I'm sorry.

  • This is, I know there's a pandemic,

  • but I, no this is cultural appropriation.

  • Absolutely not.

  • We're not doing yoga.

  • White people have wanted to do this forever.

  • For so long.

  • Like, without signing up for yoga,

  • you don't get to do it, no.

  • Right.

  • Bowing, can you just bow,-No hands but just bow?

  • You can bow.

  • I don't know, I feel like that's too much respect

  • to show someone.

  • Yeah.

  • Like, who's the last person you met

  • and you were like, you know what,

  • they deserve a bow?

  • I can't think of.

  • (laughing)

  • Like, this person is awesome.

  • People at the gas station.

  • Yeah, maybe.

  • I haven't found anyone bow worthy

  • in a very long time.

  • Yeah.

  • When the lockdown happened,

  • so in India we have,

  • household help is a bigger thing in India.

  • Right?

  • So everybody has like staff that kind of lives with them

  • in the house.

  • I mean we learned that from you guys,

  • but you kind of forgot about it

  • on the way that we just kind of kept it going.

  • Yeah.

  • But you pay your staff.

  • In America, we are in a lot of trouble not paying

  • the people that worked in the house.

  • So then, when the lockdown happened,

  • every Indian person was like, look at me,

  • I'm cleaning my own kitchen

  • and I'm doing my own dishes

  • and I'm sweeping my own floor.

  • And I'm like, it took a global pandemic

  • to make you behave like every European

  • and every American in the world right now.

  • There's nothing special about you doing dishes.

  • Quit posting that shit on Instagram right now.

  • I'm suspicious of people with clean apartments.

  • I think getting apartments should get shut down.

  • You see someone cleaning they're prepping for a party.

  • Yeah, I think so.

  • Just gonna get people out.

  • Is that not allowed over there?

  • Are you not allowed to have like gatherings,

  • like people over, is that.

  • Not allowed, but it's also America.

  • So, anything that's the rule people are like,

  • well, it's my right.

  • So, there's a lot of States here

  • that have not locked down at all.

  • Like, at all?

  • For the last six months?

  • Like they've "locked down",

  • but they've really never locked down.

  • Like Florida never did a lockdown.

  • Wow.

  • Also Florida doesn't do a lot of stuff that America does.

  • It's really its own.

  • (laughs)

  • I wonder if India has a Florida equivalent,

  • is there a state or a region that people are just like,

  • this is everything we're fairest about?

  • The appendix in your body, isn't it Florida?

  • It's just never worked for anything.

  • And you haven't been able to.

  • We don't need it.

  • Yeah.

  • We don't even know about it until it becomes a major pain.

  • It could destroy the rest.

  • No. I think this is controversial,

  • but we feel about,

  • I feel like India and Pakistan feel about each other,

  • how you feel about Florida.

  • Maybe that's the way that this goes.

  • Yeah. Okay.

  • Like,

  • Yes.

  • The fact that you said that, yeah.

  • Certain regions can be the Florida.

  • Like Florida is your Pakistan.

  • Florida is America's Pakistan.

  • That should be the flag.

  • That should be the tagline.

  • Welcome to Florida America's Pakistan.

  • (laughing)

  • I'm sure Florida would love the comparison.

  • Yeah, it is.

  • We have this like idea of like everyone in Indian accent,

  • at least in media here,

  • that everyone is Indian accent is a genius.

  • Yeah.

  • So, anyone that's in a heist movie,

  • which was cool when you were in that show,

  • a whiskey