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  • -Hello, everyone! Welcome, welcome, welcome

  • to "The Tonight Show,"

  • [ Cheering and applause ] here in Studio 6A!

  • [ Laughs ] You having a little trouble?

  • -Got caught.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -I was watching you try to play drums -- taking it off.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, with Election Day less than a week away,

  • the White House Science Office just put out an interesting list

  • of President Trump's accomplishments. Listen to this.

  • -The White House Science Policy Office

  • lists ending the pandemic as one of what it calls

  • the top accomplishments of the president's first term.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -What?!

  • That's like the Tampa Bay Rays

  • listing their biggest accomplishment

  • as 2020 World Series champions.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Seriously, right now, the coronavirus is like,

  • "Ending the pandemic?

  • Thanks to you, we just got picked up

  • for three more seasons."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Keep in mind, though, the White House "Science Office"

  • is just Eric and Don Jr. wearing a Bill Nye Halloween costume.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • When I think of the White House Science Office,

  • I picture a bunch of monkeys in lab coats

  • running around with their fingers stuck in test tubes,

  • like throwing papers.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I was pretty surprised to find out the Trump White House

  • has a Science Office.

  • It's like finding out "The Bachelorette"

  • has a Science Office.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • To be fair, lying on hissumé

  • is one of the most relatable things Trump's ever done.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I don't know how to use Excel.

  • Trump ended the pandemic.

  • Now, everyone is just living

  • in their parents' basement for fun.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • What an incredible claim.

  • Someone hasn't been that far off since...

  • -Fred Flintstone!

  • -No.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -I knew it.

  • I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

  • [ Laughter and applause continues ]

  • Oh, now y'all here and y'all laughing.

  • [ Laughter and applause continues ]

  • Word? Okay.

  • [ Laughter and applause continues ]

  • -Whoo! -Oh, my God.

  • That was close. Close.

  • [ Laughs ]

  • Fred Flintstone? Oh, my God.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I mean, why even guess?

  • -Yeah. -Why even guess?

  • -Yeah. Yeah. -Oh, my gosh!

  • Did your phone just like explode? -Yes, yes.

  • [ Laughter ] Yes.

  • "Scooby-Doo!"

  • [ Laughter ] -[ Clapping ]

  • Oh, my gosh!

  • That was the funniest thing.

  • Oh, my God.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, last night, Trump held a rally in Omaha, Nebraska,

  • where it was a little chilly outside.

  • Check out what he said.

  • -Is there anyplace you would rather be

  • than a Trump rally

  • [ Cheering ] on about a 10° evening, 10°?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -It was so cold in Nebraska,

  • Trump almost turned into a Creamsicle.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I don't think Trump was prepared for the weather.

  • When he stepped outside, it was like --

  • [ As Trump ] Why was that told this was a hot spot?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Oh.

  • Yep, everyone was freezing.

  • Trump supporters were like,

  • "If only there was some way to keep our faces warm."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • You could tell Trump was cold.

  • At one point, he started speaking

  • in front of the engines on Air Force One.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Reverberating ] Make America Great Again.

  • Whkchkch!

  • [ Reverberating ] Build more wall!

  • [ Laughter ] We need more wall!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, Trump said it was 10°,

  • which is still 10 more degrees than the scientists

  • in the White House "Science Office" have.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Laughter and applause ] Take it -- Yeah.

  • It's alright. Yeah, that was a good one.

  • You do the math and that's not bad, yeah.

  • Fred Flintstone.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Did she look like hopeful, too,

  • like it might be Fred Flintstone?

  • -Why did she say it with such conviction and authority?

  • -Yeah, but I just want to see what does her face look like

  • after she says it. Like is it like, "Tsk, maybe?"

  • Or is it like, "I'm just going to say Fred Flintstone,"

  • like her buddies made her do it at home.

  • Like, "You say Fred Flintstone, I'll give you five bucks."

  • -No, I think her face is like, "I killed it."

  • Like, "Pssh, what?!"

  • [ Laughter ] -Can we see it again, just --

  • -No! -Please, Dave?

  • -Fred Flintstone! -No.

  • [ Laughter and applause ] -Yeah, no, no.

  • It was hopeful. -It was hopeful.

  • -It was hopeful. -It was hopeful, yeah.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -It was like when you roll that bowling ball

  • down the alley and you know it's headed to the gutter,

  • but just like -- -Anh! Maybe I got one?

  • -Yeah.

  • -Maybe I got one?

  • After his speech, Trump quickly left Nebraska

  • on Air Force One, but hundreds of his supporters

  • were left stranded for hours

  • in the frigid cold because their buses didn't show up.

  • Yep, some people were actually treated for hypothermia.

  • That's how bad it's getting for Trump --

  • even his supporters are turning blue.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • [ Playing funk ]

  • ♪♪

  • Before visiting Nebraska, Trump held a rally in Michigan.

  • At one point, he addressed the women in the crowd

  • and his comments are getting a lot of attention.

  • Listen to what he said.

  • -I'm also getting your husbands.

  • They want to get back to work, right?

  • They want to get back to work.

  • We're getting your husbands back to work

  • and everybody wants it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's pretty shocking because, before this,

  • Trump's been such a feminist.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Next, Trump tried winning the female vote

  • by claiming he'd make ironing boards great again.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I guess that comment explains why his campaign

  • handed out pins that said...

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Some news from overseas -- with coronavirus cases rising,

  • Russia is putting a new safety protocol

  • in place. Watch this.

  • -Russia is introducing a national mask mandate.

  • People in this country are going to have to wear masks

  • when they're in public spaces, on public transports,

  • in parking lots, and inside elevators.

  • -It's too bad. Now, we won't be able to see

  • all those famous Russian smiles.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Hey, want to say congrats to the L.A. Dodgers,

  • who won the World Series last night!

  • [ Cheering and applause ] Here's the final out of the season.

  • -Dave Roberts.

  • -Strike 3! -They got it.

  • -Dodgers have won it all in 2020!

  • -Come on.

  • [ Cheering ] [ Studio applause ]

  • Yeah, people in L.A. looked absolutely thrilled

  • and, this time, it wasn't just because of the Botox.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Oh, we lost."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, when he heard the Dodgers won,

  • Joe Biden immediately congratulated

  • the people of Brooklyn.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Some entertainment news -- last night was

  • an all-new episode of "The Bachelorette."

  • Love that show. It became pretty clear

  • that Clare's favorite guy is Dale.

  • Check out what she did in some scenes. Weird.

  • [ Whimsical tune plays ] -Dale's pants.

  • I mean, they smell like him. -Let me see.

  • -[ Laughs ] -Let's see what size they are.

  • -Take a sniff. -Wow, 46. Oh, my God.

  • -What does that even mean? I don't know man sizes. -Oh, wow!

  • All night, I was like this --

  • I was sleeping and I was like --

  • -[ Laughs ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Ah, yes, the classic love story -- boy meets girl,

  • girl sniffs boy's pants.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Who would've guessed naked dodgeball would be

  • the second-most embarrassing scene

  • in "The Bachelorette"? [ Laughter ]

  • The mood really changed when a camera guy walked in and said --

  • [ Smoker's voice ] Oh, good. You found my pants. Thank you.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • I gotta give 'em back to Dale.

  • Finally, Halloween is on Saturday, everyone,

  • and it's no surprise that political costumes

  • are super popular this year.

  • People are dressing as absentee ballots,

  • the Mike Pence fly, all sorts of things.

  • But if you still haven't picked out your costume

  • and need help, here, with a few suggestions,

  • is our "Tonight Show" Halloween correspondent,

  • [ Drumroll ] Julio Torres!

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

  • -Hey. Hello.

  • Hi, hi, hello, and boo.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Good to see you, Julio.

  • Your hair looks different.

  • -Well, I mean, yeah. I usually dye it,

  • but there's simply no time for nonsense in 2020.

  • [ Laughter ] So, okay, here are some political costume ideas.

  • You could go as...

  • -Oh.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That feels maybe too specific.

  • What about like a mailbox or Joe Biden's aviators?

  • -Okay, sure, sure, sure.

  • Or...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Or you could go as fracking.

  • Just put on a feather boa and diamond rings

  • and have both parties be obsessed with you,

  • bring you champagne and kissing your hands.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Or you can be...

  • Or...

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -Julio, I don't --

  • -No, Jimmy, no.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You can also go as...

  • [ Laughter ] Hours of fun, redrawing maps,

  • tossing out little mailboxes,

  • and moving polling places away from poor neighborhoods.

  • [ Laughter ] -What about something recognizable

  • and relatable?

  • -Like in politics?

  • -Yeah.