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  • >> Stephen: WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I RARELY SAY THIS, AND I NEVER MEAN IT,

  • BUT WE HAVE BREAKING NEWS.

  • JUST MOMENTS BEFORE I WALKED INTO THE STUDIO I'M IN RIGHT

  • NOW, I LEARNED SOMETHING SHOCKING.

  • TWO YEARS AGO-- YOU MAY REMEMBER,

  • THE NEW YORK TIMES PUBLISHED AN OP-ED CALLED "I AM PART OF THE

  • RESISTANCE: INSIDE THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION" BY SOMEBODY

  • KNOWN ONLY AS "ANONYMOUS."

  • PEOPLE HAVE BEEN GUESSING WHO THIS EVER SINCE IT WAS RELEASED.

  • WELL, THIS AFTERNOON ANONYMOUS WAS REVEALED AND IT'S MILES

  • TELLER.

  • STAR OF "WHIPLASH," THE BELOVED "FANTASTIC FOUR" SERIES, AND THE

  • UPCOMING "TOP GUN" REBOOT.

  • I HAVE NO IDEA HOW MILES TELLER GOT SUCH INTIMATE DETAILS OF

  • CLASSIFIED INFORMATION-- MAYBE TOM CRUISE TOLD HIM-- BUT THE

  • TRUMP ADMINISTRATION HAS GOT TO BE REELING RIGHT NOW FROM--

  • I'M SORRY, WHAT?

  • AND I'M BEING TOLD IT'S NOT MILES TELLER.

  • THEN WHO IS IT?

  • MILES TAYLOR?

  • WHO'S THAT?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE GUY FROM D.H.S. WHO LEFT

  • LIKE A YEAR AGO AND ALREADY ENDORSED JOE BIDEN?

  • WELL, THAT'S NOT NEWS.

  • THAT'S RIDICULOUS-- CALL ME WHEN MILES TELLER DOES

  • SOMETHING.

  • THAT KID'S GOT HEAT.

  • SORRY.

  • THIS IS WHY I NEVER SAY "BREAKING NEWS."

  • I OVER-REACTED, IN THAT I REACTED AT ALL.

  • THAT'S ON ME.

  • I APOLOGIZE, LET'S GO ON.

  • WHERE WAS I?

  • COFFEE.

  • ONE SECOND.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) RIGHT, OKAY, YEAH.

  • IT IS OCTOBER 28, THE FINAL WEDNESDAY BEFORE THE

  • PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, OR, DEPENDING ON WHO WINS, THE FINAL

  • WEDNESDAY.

  • BECAUSE EMOTIONS ARE RUNNING HIGH, AND SO ARE THE VOTE

  • TOTALS, BECAUSE WITH SIX DAYS STILL TO GO, THANKS TO EARLY

  • VOTING, MORE THAN HALF THE TOTAL 2016 VOTE IS ALREADY IN.

  • THAT'S PRETTY IMPRESSIVE.

  • BUT IF 2016 TAUGHT US ANYTHING, IT'S THAT "MORE THAN HALF"

  • SOMETIMES ISN'T ENOUGH.

  • SO FAR, BIDEN IS OFF TO A GOOD START, IN PART BECAUSE 2020 HAS

  • BEEN A RECORD-SHATTERING YEAR FOR EARLY VOTING AMONG YOUNG

  • PEOPLE.

  • THAT IS DOPE TO THE WAP, MY TUBULAR YOUNGLINGS!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THIS CAMPAIGN HAS GONE ON FOR AN

  • ETERNITY.

  • AND 2020 IS PROJECTED TO BE MOST EXPENSIVE U.S. ELECTION EVER,

  • WITH SPENDING AS HIGH AS $14 BILLION.

  • AND THAT'S "BEFORE" YOU COUNT MONEY FOR BOOZE AND ZOOM

  • SESSIONS WITH MY PSYCHIC.

  • WHO'S GOING TO WIN, ESMERELDA?

  • MOST OF THE CAMPAIGN CASH HAS GONE TO TV ADS.

  • AND THANKS TO A NEW REPORT, WE'RE LEARNING SOME MORE ABOUT

  • WHAT TV SHOWS THE CANDIDATES ARE ADVERTISING ON.

  • THERE'S A LOT OF SIMILARITIES.

  • BOTH CAMPAIGNS ARE RUNNING A LOT OF ADS ON RERUNS OF "THE BIG

  • BANG THEORY."

  • THAT'S A LITTLE SURPRISING.

  • TRUMP'S NO FAN OF SCIENCE.

  • BUT SO FAR NO ONE'S MADE "THE BIG BANG IS A CHINESE HOAX."

  • BUT THE CAMPAIGNS HAVE BEEN TARGETING SOME DIFFERENT

  • AUDIENCES.

  • FOR INSTANCE, TRUMP HAS PRIORITIZED RERUNS OF "THE ANDY

  • GRIFFITH SHOW," WHICH RAN FROM 1960 TO 1968.

  • NOT TO BE OUTDONE, BIDEN STARTED ADVERTISING ON THE "TRAIN

  • ENTERING THE STATION" CHANNEL.

  • "I WAS ON THAT TRAIN.

  • GOT INTO A FISTFIGHT WITH ONE OF THE LUMIERE BROTHERS.

  • RELEASE THE DIRECTOR'S CUT!

  • COME ON, JACQUES!" BUT THERE'S ONE SHOW THAT TRUMP

  • HAS PUT A LOT OF AD DOLLARS INTO THAT KIND OF SURPRISED ME.

  • BECAUSE TRUMP HAS AIRED ALMOST 1,200 COMMERCIALS ON "THE LATE

  • SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."

  • WOW.

  • HAS HE SEEN HOW I TALK ABOUT HIM ON THIS SHOW?

  • WELL, I GUESS IT WOULDN'T BE THE FIRST TIME TRUMP'S PAID SOMEONE

  • TO SPANK HIM.

  • ( "GROOVE IS IN THE HEART" ) >> THIS SLAM PAID FOR BY DONALD

  • TRUMP SLAM!

  • >> Stephen: ON THE RALLY FRONT, TRUMP IS SPENDING HIS TIME

  • SHORING UP STATES HE WON IN 2016.

  • YESTERDAY, TRUMP WAS IN MICHIGAN, WHERE HE SAID

  • SOMETHING A LITTLE ODD FOR A SITTING PRESIDENT.

  • >> I DON'T SOUND LIKE A POLITICIAN BECAUSE I'M NOT A

  • POLITICIAN.

  • I NEVER WANTED TO BE A POLITICIAN.

  • >> Stephen: THAT SENTIMENT WAS OKAY FOUR YEARS AGO.

  • BUT NOW KNRUR THE POLITICIAN.

  • THAT'S LIKE YOUR SURGEON LOOKING AT YOU RIGHT BEFORE YOU GO UNDER

  • AND SAYING, ( AS SURGEON )

  • "BY THE WAY, I DON'T SOUND LIKE A DOCTOR BECAUSE I'M NOT A

  • DOCTOR.

  • I NEVER WANTED TO BE A DOCTOR.

  • POKEY STICK!" BUT THE CLIP FROM THIS RALLY

  • THAT'S GETTING A LOT OF ATTENTION IS THIS ATTEMPT TO

  • APPEAL TO SUBURBAN WOMEN: >> YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?

  • I'M ALSO GETTING YOUR HUSBANDS.

  • THEY WANT TO GET BACK TO WORK, RIGHT?

  • THEY WANT TO GET BACK TO WORK.

  • WE'RE GETTING YOUR HUSBANDS BACK TO WORK.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S GREAT NEWS, LADIES.

  • DONALD TRUMP IS GOING TO GET YOUR HUSBANDS BACK TO WORK, SO

  • YOU CAN GET ALL YOUR LADY-CHORES DONE, LIKE VOTING FOR JOE BIDEN.

  • TODAY, BEFORE DEPARTING FOR ARIZONA, TRUMP HELD A QUICK NEWS

  • CONFERENCE WHERE HE WAS ASKED ABOUT THE RECENT UNREST IN

  • PHILADELPHIA.

  • AND HE DESCRIBED THE SCENE IN A VERY DONALD TRUMP WAY.

  • >> PEOPLE ARE BREAKING INTO STORES AND WALKING OUT WITH

  • WASHING MACHINES AND WALKING OUT WITH ALL SORTS OF THINGS, AND IT

  • SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED.

  • >> Stephen: FOR THE RECORD, IT'S NOT ALLOWED.

  • AND I'LL SAY THIS: LOOTING IS WRONG, BUT IF YOU CAN WALK OUT

  • OF A STORE CARRYING A WASHING MACHINE, I THINNK YOU SHOULD BE

  • ALLOWED TO KEEP IT, AND NOT JUST DURING RIOTS.

  • THAT SHOULD BE, LIKE, A BLANKET POLICY.

  • LIKE THOSE RESTAURANTS WHERE IF YOU CAN FINISH THE 72-OUNCE

  • STEAK, YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR IT.

  • IF YOU LOOK AT THE RECENT COVID NEWS, YOU MIGHT WANT TO PURELL

  • YOUR EYEBALLS, BECAUSE IT'S CLEAR THAT THIS VIRUS IS GOING

  • EVERYWHERE FAST.

  • ESPECIALLY IN STATES THAT TRUMP DESPERATELY NEEDS, LIKE TEXAS.

  • IN EL PASO, THE NUMBER OF ADMITTED COVID PATIENTS HAS MORE

  • THAN TRIPLED OVER THE PAST THREE WEEKS, FORCING DOCTORS TO TREAT

  • SOME PATIENTS IN A FIELD HOSPITAL IN A NEARBY PARKING

  • LOT.

  • THAT IS TERRIBLE.

  • THE ONLY THINGS THAT SHOULD HAPPEN IN A PARKING LOT ARE

  • PARKING, SELLING PUMPKINS, AND GETTING HIGH WITH A BONG YOU

  • MADE OUT OF A PUMPKIN.

  • HERE'S HOW BAD IT IS: WHILE IT TOOK OUR COUNTRY THREE MONTHS

  • FOR THE FIRST 500,000 CASES, THE U.S. IS NOW REPORTING 500,000

  • NEW CASES JUST IN THE PAST WEEK.

  • CLEARLY, WE'RE A LONG WAY FROM ENDING THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC.

  • ON THE OTHER HAND, YESTERDAY, A NEW WHITE HOUSE PRESS RELEASE

  • ANNOUNCED THAT ONE OF TRUMP'S BIGGEST ACCOMPLISHMENTS IS

  • ENDING THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC.

  • NOW, WHILE THAT IS CLEARLY INSANE, DECLARING VICTORY

  • PREMATURELY IS A PROUD REPUBLICAN TRADITION.

  • AT THIS POINT, TRUMP'S NOT JUST NERO FIDDLING WHILE ROME BURNS,

  • HE'S NERO SENDING OUT A PRESS RELEASE THAT SAYS, "YOU'RE NOT

  • ON FIRE."

  • I'D SAY THIS IS DONALD TRUMP PEEING ON OUR LEG AND TELLING US

  • IT'S RAINING, BUT HE USUALLY PAYS RUSSIAN PROSTITUTES TO DO

  • THAT.

  • >> I'M DONALD J. TRUMP AND I APPROVED THIS MESSAGE.

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU, SIR.

  • I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE GETTING CHECKS FROM DONALD TRUMP.

  • AND THEY CLEARED.

  • THIS PRESS RELEASE FROM THE MOUTH OF MADNESS WAS CREATED BY

  • THE WHITE HOUSE'S "OFFICE OF SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY POLICY,"

  • AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING JUST HOW "SCIENCE" THEY ARE, ONE OF THE

  • OTHER MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENTS THEY TOUT IS, "UNDERSTANDING OUR

  • PLANET."

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "LOOK, I GET THE PLANET BETTER

  • THAN ANYONE.

  • IT'S BLUE AND IT'S GREEN, HEAVEN IS UP, HELL IS DOWN, IT'S SHAPED

  • LIKE A MEATBALL, AND THE WHOLE THING REVOLVES AROUND ME."

  • BUT THERE ARE SOME QUOTES FROM LEADING ACADEMIC MINDS IN THIS

  • DOCUMENT.

  • ONE SAYS, "PRESIDENT TRUMP'S POLICIES AND INVESTMENTS IN

  • SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY ENSURE AMERICA STANDS READY TO SOLVE

  • TODAY'S MOST PRESSING CHALLENGES"-- AN ENDORSEMENT

  • THAT COMES FROM WORLD-RENOWNED SCIENTIST IVANKA TRUMP.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) DON'T BELIEVE ME?

  • HERE SHE IS IN A LAB A FEW YEARS BACK, DISTILLING PURE CRAP.

  • NO ONE IS BUYING IT.

  • EVEN AN OFFICIAL ON TRUMP'S OWN COVID TASK FORCE SAID, "IT'S

  • MIND-BOGGLING.

  • THERE'S NO WORLD IN WHICH ANYONE CAN THINK THAT STATEMENT IS

  • TRUE.

  • MAYBE THE PRESIDENT.

  • BUT I DON'T SEE HOW EVEN HE CAN BELIEVE THAT."

  • IT'S EASY.

  • JUST CONSULT HIS CLOSEST MEDICAL ADVISER-- DEXAMETHASONE

  • HALLUCINATIONS.

  • >> COVID'S GONE AWAY AND DONALD TRUMP HAS WASHBOARD ABS.

  • >> Stephen: GET OUT OF HERE!

  • GET OUT OF HERE!

  • LAST NIGHT THE L.A. DODGERS BEAT THE TAMPA BAY RAISES IN GAME SIX

  • TO WIN THE WORLD SERIES.

  • CONGRATULATIONSING TO THE DODGERS, WHO HAVEN'T WON THE BIG

  • ONE SINCE THE 80s WHEN THEIR UNIFORM LOOKED LIKE THIS.

  • BIT THERE IS ONE THING ABOUT LAST NIGHT'S GAME, IT WAS

  • INTERESTING.

  • DURING THE EIGHTH INNING, SYLVESTER TURNER WAS PULLED OUT

  • WITH NOW EXPLANATION OPINION WAS HE INJURED?

  • WAS HE TRADED?

  • WAS HE FINALLY SWALLOWED BY HIS OWN BEARD?

  • NONE OF THE ABOVE.

  • BECAUSE WE LATER LEARNED THAT TURNER TOOK THE FIELD WHILE

  • STILL AWAITING THE RESULTS OF "HIS TUESDAY MORNING COVID

  • TEST," BUT IT WAS ONLY LAST NIGHT THAT, "RIGHT AROUND THE

  • BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH, THE LAB RETURNED THE NEWS."

  • "WHICH CONFIRMED A POSITIVE."

  • NICE JOB, M.L.B. TESTING.

  • YOU ARE OFFICIALLY THE ONLY THING SLOWER THAN BASEBALL.

  • OF COURSE, GIVEN THE DIAGNOSIS, TURNER DID THE RESPONSIBLE THING

  • AND HIT THE DUGOUT FOR A HUG SESH!

  • "YOU GET THE CORONAVIRUS!

  • AND YOU.

  • AND WHOSE WEATHER WATCHER ARE YOU?

  • I DON'T CARE.

  • AND THEN I KISS MY OWN WIFE.

  • AND TAKE OFF THE MASK WITH ALL THE TEAMMATES!

  • WHOOO!

  • DON'T INFECT EACH OTHER, FELLAS.

  • YOU ARE THE CHAMPS.

  • YOU GET TO GO TO THE WHITE HOUSE.

  • THIS IS THE MOST IRRESPONSIBLE BEHAVIOR BY AN ATHLETE SINCE

  • LeBRON JAMES'S PRE-GAME ANTHRAX TOSS.

  • OF COURSE, EVERYONE IS SUFFERING UNDER THIS PANDEMIC.

  • WELL, ALMOST EVERYONE.

  • BECAUSE YESTERDAY THE INTERNET BLEW UP AFTER DISCOVERING THAT

  • KIM KARDASHIAN WEST THREW A PARTY FOR HERSELF AND DOZENS OF

  • FRIENDS ON A PRIVATE ISLAND.

  • ANY SENSIBLE PERSON WOULD WANT TO KEEP THAT UNDER WRAPS...

  • WHICH IS WHY KIM KARDASHIAN POSTED IT ALL ON TWITTER, SAYING

  • "AFTER TWO WEEKS OF MULTIPLE HEALTH SCREENS AND ASKING

  • EVERYONE TO QUARANTINE, I SURPRISED MY CLOSEST INNER

  • CIRCLE WITH A TRIP TO A PRIVATE ISLAND WHERE WE COULD PRETEND

  • THINGS WERE NORMAL JUST FOR A BRIEF MOMENT IN TIME."

  • AND YOU THINK THAT'S NORMAL?

  • "YEAH, ME AND MY OTHER REALITY SHOW STAR SIBLINGS TOOK A

  • PRIVATE JET TO A SECRET ISLAND FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

  • IT'S JUST NICE TO GET BACK INTO A ROUTINE, YOU KNOW?"

  • AND THEY PARTIED HARD.

  • ACCORDING TO KIM K.: "WE DANCED, RODE BIKES, SWAM NEAR WHALES,

  • KAYAKED, WATCHED A MOVIE ON THE BEACH, AND SO MUCH MORE."

  • I ASSUME "SO MUCH MORE" MEANS HUNTING THE WAITSTAFF FOR SPORT.

  • I'M JUST WORRIED THEY'RE GOING TO GIVE RICH PEOPLE WHO DO

  • WHATEVER THEY WANT ON A PRIVATE ISLAND A BAD NAME.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) SEE YOU SOON, RICHARD BRANSON.

  • WOULD YOU GO IF BRANSON INVITED US?

  • WOULD YOU GO.

  • >> YES.

  • >> Stephen: LEGAL ME YOU HAVE TO GO NOW IF HE INVITES US.

  • BUT IN SPITE OF THE EXTRAVAGANCE OF THIS PARTY, KIM MANAGED TO

  • STAY GROUNDED, TWEETING "I REALIZE THAT FOR MOST PEOPLE,

  • THIS IS SOMETHING THAT IS SO FAR OUT OF REACH RIGHT NOW, SO IN

  • MOMENTS LIKE THESE, I AM HUMBLY REMINDED OF HOW PRIVILEGED MY

  • LIFE IS."

  • YES, BECAUSE THIS ALL SCREAMS "HUMBLE."