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  • -Welcome. Welcome, welcome, welcome

  • to "The Tonight Show."

  • We are coming at you from Studio 6A

  • here in Rockefeller Plaza in New York City.

  • Let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, we are just one week away from Election Day!

  • [ Applause ]

  • I can't believe it's that soon.

  • I mean, it feels like the last four years

  • have just really flown by!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Seriously, every morning since 2016,

  • Democrats have been carving the days into the walls

  • like they're doing time at Rikers Island.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • If Biden wins, Democrats are gonna walk out of their houses

  • with an extra 50 pounds of muscle

  • and a jug of toilet wine.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right, we're just seven days away from the election,

  • and just seven months from knowing who won.

  • That's exciting. [ Audience groans ]

  • Yep. In seven days we'll find out if Trump's

  • sticking around or getting replaced like the Bachelorette.

  • This week cannot go fast enough.

  • If you're looking for ways to pass the time,

  • just ask Joe Biden to tell one story from high school.

  • "My pal Skee-Ball and I were on our way

  • to the sock hop, and..."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But seven days is still a lot of time.

  • If you get in line to vote now,

  • there's a really good chance you'll make it to the front

  • by November 3rd. [ Laughter ]

  • Everyone's excited about this election.

  • I mean, check out how many people have already voted.

  • -We are one week out from Election Day,

  • and look at that number.

  • More than 65 million ballots already cast.

  • -That's right, over 65 million have already voted.

  • And thanks to the Supreme Court, almost 3 million of those

  • will be counted.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • These voting numbers are incredible.

  • The United States could have its highest election turnout

  • since 1908.

  • You know 2020's been rough when we're like,

  • "Let's party like it's 1908!"

  • [ Laughter ] [ Drumming march plays ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Wow, I love that.

  • 1908 was a lot like 2020.

  • The country was divided, turnout was high,

  • and Bernie Sanders lost in the primary.

  • [ Audience groans ]

  • A lot of groaners tonight, huh? [ Laughter ]

  • Cheer up. Come on, man.

  • That's right, the U.S. is on track for the highest election

  • turnout since 1908.

  • That got me wondering, why were so many people voting in 1908?

  • Well, when you compare today's issues to back then,

  • it kind of makes sense.

  • For example, in 2020, voters want to stop

  • a global warming catastrophe.

  • In 1908, voters wanted to stop pollution

  • from the four cars that existed.

  • In 2020, voters want to settle things at the ballot box.

  • In 1908, voters wanted to settle things

  • by racing a donkey and an elephant.

  • [ Laughter ] And finally, in 2020,

  • voters complain the election season

  • is like watching paint dry.

  • In 1908, voters said, "Paint drying?

  • I got to check this out."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • With the time running short until the election,

  • both campaigns are going all out and holding as many rallies

  • across the country as they can. Listen to this.

  • -An active day on the trail, Joe Biden stopping in Georgia,

  • Kamala Harris in Nevada.

  • The former President, Barack Obama,

  • campaigning for the Democrats in Orlando, Florida.

  • Jill Biden heads to Maine.

  • The President hits a trio of Midwest states --

  • Michigan, Wisconsin,

  • and Nebraska's Second Congressional District.

  • Vice President Mike Pence is in the Carolinas today,

  • and the First Lady is traveling to Pennsylvania.

  • -Whew. Usually the only people who travel this much

  • are salesmen and fugitives.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, Trump and Pence are everywhere.

  • Even the coronavirus was like,

  • "Guys, please, gimme a second to catch up."

  • I think all the traveling confused Trump,

  • 'cause he bragged about saving Nebraska's auto industry

  • and rescuing the great dairy farms of Michigan.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm not sure Trump's rallies are really moving the needle.

  • It's hard to convince voters you deserve a second term

  • when your speech has 42 mentions of the word "plague."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But you can tell Trump's getting tired 'cause at one rally

  • he just rolled out a television and played a video

  • like a substitute teacher. [ Laughter ]

  • "You know what's better than reading 'Moby Dick'?

  • Watching 'Air Bud.'"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Listen to what's going on with gym's in Newark.

  • -New restrictions aimed at stopping a surge

  • in coronavirus cases take effect today in Newark.

  • Gyms and fitness centers are under orders to shut down

  • for 30 minutes every hour for a deep cleaning.

  • -30 minutes every hour?

  • The only person who's going to get in shape is the janitor.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Already there's one creepy employee who just walks up

  • to the machines and whispers, "Bath time."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Bath time."

  • [ Vocalizing ] ♪♪

  • Bath time ♪ [ Vocalizing ]

  • Bath time

  • [ Vocalizing ]

  • Bath time ♪ [ Vocalizing ]

  • Go, rap.

  • -♪ Bath time, bath time

  • It's time to take a bath

  • It's time to get some soap out

  • And then you wash your -- ♪

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -I was waiting for you to cut me off.

  • Say, hey, hey! -Whoa, whoa, whoa,

  • this is a family show.

  • Sorry. Sorry, I forgot to do that. Yeah.

  • ♪♪

  • [ Vocalizing ] ♪♪

  • -Wait.

  • That's Billy Bob Thornton's character on --

  • -Oh yeah, "Sling Blade."

  • -[ Mumbling ]

  • You --

  • -Bath time, mm-hmm.

  • -Mm-hmm, bath time.

  • "You mind if I hang out with your son

  • and be best friends with him?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I don't know if you guys should be hanging out in the woods.

  • No, I'm doing like --

  • [ Vocalizing ] ♪♪

  • [ Vocalizing ]

  • Call me Mr. Bombastic

  • Mr. Fantastic

  • [ Scatting ]

  • Mr. Ro... ♪

  • Bath time, duh-nuh-nuh-nuh, bath time

  • -It's not right. -♪ Ro... ♪

  • -It's not right without Higgins here.

  • -♪ Bath time

  • [ Vocalizing ]

  • Now you got to wash your -- time

  • [ Vocalizing ]

  • -It's not right. -It's not right, no.

  • Oh yeah, that's right. That's right.

  • Hey, I'm a little worried that Newark Planet Fitness

  • is taking better precautions than the coronavirus task force.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Let's change gears.

  • I heard about a billionaire in California

  • who is feuding with his neighbor.

  • And recently, their fight took an interesting turn.

  • Watch this.

  • -♪ Sit right back and you'll hear a tale

  • ♪ A tale of a fateful trip

  • -Two neighbors in Laguna Beach, California, they've been

  • in a dispute over a lawn sculpture.

  • So, billionaire Bill Gross, he's been blaring

  • the "Gilligan's Island" theme song at all hours

  • of the day and night in an attempt to annoy the neighbors

  • in hopes that they'll drop their complaint over the sculpture.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -So to recap, he annoyed his neighbor by also

  • making himself listen to the "Gilligan's Island" theme song.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • He was like, "Sorry, I only wanted to do it for three hours,

  • but it wound up being much longer."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right. [ Applause ]

  • [ Ding! ]

  • Bob Denver fans.

  • ♪♪

  • ♪ I'm Bob Denver

  • [ Vocalizing ]

  • Bob Denver ♪ [ Vocalizing ]

  • I'll be honest, I just think it's nice

  • that we can still find things to fight about

  • besides the election.

  • And finally I saw that Four Loko is coming out with

  • new bottled drinks called Pregame.

  • Here they are.

  • -What? -It's perfect for when you want

  • to pass out before leaving the house.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • To buy a bottle, you have to show your ID

  • and give an emergency contact.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right. You can either drink it or just skip a step

  • and put yourself in the back of a police car.

-Welcome. Welcome, welcome, welcome

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Trump and Biden Campaigns Go All Out Week Before Election | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉   posted on 2020/10/28
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