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  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,

  • WE'RE BACK WITH THE AUTHOR OF "IS THIS ANYTHING?," JERRY

  • SEINFELD.

  • I'M GOING TO ASK YOU A QUESTION THAT I ASKED YOU DURING

  • "COMEDIANS AND CARS GETTING COFFEE," WHE DID THAT.

  • IT DIDN'T MAKE IT TO THE CUT.

  • I DON'T THINK IT MADE TO THE EDIT WHAT PEOPLE SAW WHICH WAS

  • NICE OF YOU BECAUSE IT'S A TERRIBLE QUESTION.

  • DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO ASK YOU?

  • >> YOU KNOW, YES.

  • >> Stephen: YOU ASKED ME, "IF I WAS A GUEST ON THE SHOW--" IT

  • WAS BETWEEN THE SHOWS, "WHAT WOULD YOU ASK ME?"

  • AND I LITERALLY ASKED YOU THE FIRST THING THAT WAS ON MY MIND.

  • AND YOU SAID,"THAT'S A TERRIBLE QUESTION."

  • AND I SAID, "YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT."

  • THE QUESTION WAS, "DO YOU STILL ENJOY DOING STAND-UP?"

  • AND THE REASON WAS THAT I HAD JUST ENDED A SHOW THAT I HAD

  • DONE FOR ALMOST 10 YEARS, AND I STILL ENJOYED IT, BUT I COULD

  • TELL I WAS ABOUT TO NOT ENJOY IT.

  • >> RIGHT.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT WAS ON MY MIND.

  • MY M O, JERRY, DO YOU STILL ENJY DOING STAND-UP?

  • >> WELL, I DO, I REALLY DO.

  • I THINK I'M ONE OF SHOWS SURFERS-- YOU KNOW, THOSE OLD

  • GUYS THAT JUST STILL PADDLE OUT EVERY DAY, AND NOBODY EVEN KNOWS

  • THEY'RE DOING IT.

  • BUT IT'S LIKE, THEY HAVE TO DO IT, AND IT'S JUST PART OF THE

  • DAY, AND PART OF THE DEAL, AND --

  • >> Stephen: SURE.

  • >> THAT'S WHY I DO IT.

  • IT'S--... I-- I-- REALLY LIVE OFF IT.

  • I LIVE OFF IT.

  • IT'S A BEAUTIFUL, NATURAL, ENERGETIC THING.

  • IT'S SO NATURAL AND REAL.

  • AND I-- AND I-- I CAN BE ACCUSED OF USING TOO MANY SURFING

  • ANALOGIES, BUT THAT'S THE THING I WANTED TO DO IN MY LIFE THEY

  • DIDN'T DO.

  • I REALLY WANTED TO DO.

  • >> AND NEVER DID IT.

  • >> Stephen: HAVE YOU BEEN ARB KUZZED OF USING TOO MANY SURFING

  • ANALOGIES IN THE PAST?

  • >> YOU KNOW, I COULD BE, IF YOU SAID THAT.

  • >> Stephen: I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

  • I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

  • IT'S NEVER TOO LATE.

  • HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO GO SUSHING?

  • >> I TRIED 20 YEARS AGO.

  • YOU NEED A CERTAIN KIND OF KNEES, YOU KNOW.

  • YOU NEED GOOD QUADS.

  • I DON'T HAVE IT.

  • I DON'T HAVE WHAT YOU NEED.

  • >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A FIRE OF SHARKS OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

  • I HAVE THE FEAR OF THE SHARKS WHERE THE WAVES ARE GOOD.

  • >> I'M AFRAID OF THE SHARKS ON YOUTUBE MORE THAN I AM IN REAL

  • LIFE.

  • THE YOUTUBE SHARKS SCARE ME THE MOST.

  • >> Stephen: VERY HUNGRY, VERY HUNGRY.

  • >> DO YOU KNOW HOW TO STOP YOUTUBE FROM SENDING YOU SHARK

  • ATTACK KAYAKERS VIDEOS?

  • HOW DO I MAKE THEM STOP?

  • BECAUSE I WATCHED ONE-- I WATCHED ONE, AND I DON'T WANT TO

  • WATCH 30.

  • >> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO-- >> DO YOU KNOW HOW TO STOP IT?

  • >> Stephen: I DON'T.

  • I DON'T.

  • I THINK YOU HAVE TO WATCH A LOT OF SOMETHING ELSE TO, LIKE,

  • THROW OFF THE ALGORITHM.

  • >> OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

  • >> Stephen: OR CHANGE THE NAME AND BURN OFF YOUR FINGERPRINTS,

  • BECAUSE THEY'VE GOT YOU NOW.

  • THAT'S IT.

  • THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE HITTING YOU WITH.

  • >> WELL, I WATCHED ONE.

  • YOU WATCH ONE...

  • YOU HAVE TO BE VERY CAREFUL.

  • EVEN IF YOU DON'T WATCH IT, IF YOU LET IT PLAY, AND WITHOUT

  • CLICKING "PLAY," BUT JUST KIND OF LET IT PLAY.

  • >> Stephen: OH, WHERE IT DOES THE AUTOMATIC THING.

  • >> YEAH.

  • AND THEN THEY'LL SMELL YOU OUT AND GO, "OH, HE LIKES IT.

  • GIVE HIM MORE OF THAT."

  • >> Stephen: I FELL ASLEEP ONE NIGHT.

  • I WAS ON THE ROAD AND I PUT MY COMPUTER THERE, AND A HYPNOTIC

  • SLEEP VIDEO, SOMETHING TO MAKE ME GO TO SLEEP.

  • AND IT PLAYED LIKE SOMEONE GOING, "AND YOU'RE RELAXED, AND

  • THERE'S A MEADOW--" WHATEVER, I WOKE UP AT, LIKE, 4:00 IN THE

  • MORNING, AND IT WAS STILL ON.

  • BUT IT HAD ALREADY PLAYED, WHATEVER THE ALGORITHM DECIDED,

  • THERE WAS A WOMAN'S FACE THIS BIG GOING, "I AM YOUR FOCUS.

  • YOU WILL SEND ME A CHECK FOR $1,000."

  • AND I ALMOST DID IT.

  • I JUST WANTED TO SEE, YOU KNOW, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I DID.

  • >> YOU TYPING IN "HYPNOTIC SLEEP VIDEOS."

  • YOUR WIFE WAS OUT OF TOWN, I ASSUME.

  • >> Stephen: NO, I WAS OUT OF TOWN.

  • I WAS OUT OF TOWN.

  • >> OH, YOU WERE OUT OF TOWN.

  • >> Stephen: I DON'T SLEEP WELL--

  • >> OH, THAT IS-- THE LEVEL OF SADNESS THAT YOU HAVE REACHED.

  • HYPNOTIC SLEEP VIDEOS?

  • >> Stephen: WHAT, IT'S-- I DON'T WANT TO POP PILLS.

  • I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR HOLLYWOOD ANSWER SJER.

  • BUT I'M NOT A PILL POPPER.

  • >> TRANSCENDENTAL MEDITATION.

  • >> Stephen: DO YOU MEDITATE?

  • >> OH, YEAH, I'M THE BIG MEDITATOR GUY.

  • ONE OF THE GREAT MEDITATOR S.

  • >> Stephen: I HAD NO IDEA.

  • I HAD NO IDEA.

  • >> YEAH, SINCE 1972.

  • >> Stephen: I LIKE THE BREATHING.

  • YOU HAVE BEEN MEDITATING SINCE 1972.

  • >> I HAVE BEEN DOING TRANSCENDENTAL MEDITATION SINCE

  • 1972.

  • IT'S THE GREATEST TECHNIQUE FOR REST AND LOWERING THE STRESS

  • LEVEL.

  • LOOK AT ME.

  • DON'T YOU WONDER, HOW COULD THIS GUY BE SO RELAXED AND SO HAPPY

  • IN IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS TERB CRISIS?"

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT I SAID BEFORE THE CAMERA TURNED ON.

  • THAT'S WHAT I SAID, "YOU SEEM RELAXED."

  • AND YOU SAID, "YES."

  • AND I SAID, "IT MUST BE LONELY."

  • >> NO, IT'S TRANSCENDENTAL MEDITATION.

  • >> >> Stephen: I'LL TRY IT.

  • IS THERE AN APP OR SOMETHING?

  • >> NO.

  • >> Stephen: THIS IS MY LIFE, THIS IS IT.

  • >> JUST TYPE IN "HYPNOTIC SLEEP VIDEOS."

  • >> Stephen: JERRY WE'RE NOT CLOSE TO TALKING ABOUT YOUR BOOK

  • YET.

  • THEY'RE WAVING NUMBERS TO ME HERE BUT THEY'RE MEANINGLESS TO

  • ME BECAUSE I'M TALKING TO JERRY SEINFELD.

  • YOU HAVE A BOOK.

  • IT'S CALLED "IS THIS ANYTHING?" FOR THE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO

  • AREN'T COMEDIANS WHO AREN'T TRYING TO COME UP WITH JOKES

  • WITH THEIR FRIENDS, EXPLAIN WHAT "IS THIS ANYTHING?" MEANS TO

  • YOU?

  • >> ""IS THIS ANYTHING?" IS WHAT I SAY BEFORE YOU TRY A BIT OUT

  • ON ANOTHER COMEDIAN.

  • I HAVE BEEN SAYING THAT MY WHOLE LIFE.

  • SO THIS BOOK, STEPHEN, THAT'S EVERYTHING I-- I'VE DONE WITH MY

  • LIFE.

  • THAT'S MY WHOLE LIFE IN A BOOK.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S DOUBLE SPACED.

  • IT'S-- IT'S DOUBLE SPACED, JERRY.

  • YOU'VE PADDED OUT YOUR LIFE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ).

  • >> YEAH.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S LITERALLY DOUBLE SPACED.

  • >> YEAH.

  • BECAUSE IT-- BECAUSE IT READS LIKE A-- A STAND-UP RESIDENT

  • BETTER THAT WAY.

  • >> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND.

  • I DON'T REALLY.

  • >> WHY DON'T YOU PERFORM ONE OF THE BITS IN THERE.

  • >> AT THE POST OFFICE THEY HAVE POSTERS.

  • COLLECT STAMPS.

  • IT'S FUN.

  • REALLY, AT WHAT POINT IN STAMP COLLECTING DO YOU FEEL THE FUN

  • IS REALLY KICKING IN?

  • YOU GET THE STAMP.

  • YOU BRING IT HOME.

  • YOU PUT IT IN A DRAWER.

  • COME BACK A YEAR LATER.

  • 'HEY, STILL GOT IT!

  • THAT STAMP-- THAT STAMP IS COLLECTED' I GUESS YOU NEVER GET

  • BORED OF THE STAMPS.

  • YOU CAN TURN THEM OVER.

  • YOU'VE GOT THE GLUE COLLECTION.

  • THEY ALWAYS SAY, "FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY."

  • NOTHING IS FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY.

  • THERE ARE NO MASSAGE PARLORS ARE ICE CREAM AND DPRE JEWELRY, NO

  • RACETRACKS-- >> THAT'S A GOOD OUTLET.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S QUITE DELIGHTFUL.

  • QUITE DELIGHTFUL.

  • WHAT IS MAKING YOU LAUGH THESE DAYS?

  • PEOPLE NEED-- WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?

  • >> YOU KNOW, I'M WATCHING A LOT OF MARX BROTHERS THESE DAYS.

  • >> Stephen: GROUCHO RIGHT OVER YOUR SHOULDER.

  • >> I LOVE THE BROTHERS.

  • I ALWAYS HAVE.

  • IT'S A FASCINATING SHOW BUSINESS STORY.

  • THEIR KINETIC ENERGY, THEIR TIMING, THEIR PHYSICAL STUFF,

  • THEIR VERBAL STUFF, YOU CAN JUST TAKE IT APART ENDLESSLY AND

  • APPRECIATE IT.

  • AND IT JUST HOLDS UP SO BEAUTIFULLY.

  • THE MATERIAL IS SO FUNNY STILL.

  • >> Stephen: DO YOUR CHILDREN THINK YOU'RE FUNNY, JERRY?

  • >> YOU KNOW, UHM, YES, THEY DO.

  • THEY DO.

  • I DO PRETTY WELL.

  • >> Stephen: IS IT IMPORTANT TO YOU THAT THEY THINK YOU'RE

  • FUNNY?

  • >> IT'S IMPORTANT THAT EVERYONE-- ANYONE YOU ARE DOING

  • A JOKE TO, YOU WANT THEM TO LAUGH, DON'T YOU?

  • >> Stephen: OF COURSE, BUT THEY DON'T HAVE TO IDENTIFY YOU,

  • NATURALLY AS DAD EQUALS FUNNY.

  • IT COULD BE DAD.

  • THERE COULD BE OTHER QUALITIES DAD HAS.

  • >> OH, YEAH, I HAVE OTHER QUALITIES.

  • >> Stephen: NAME ONE.

  • NAME ONE.

  • NAME ONE.

  • >> UHM...

  • >> Stephen: I HAVE A FACT-CHECKING TEAM HERE THAT IS

  • SHAKING THEIR HEADS.

  • YOU'RE NOT WHAT?

  • >> YOU KNOW, I'M NOT ATTENTIVE.

  • I'M-- I'M ALWAYS HAPPY TO DO A FAVOR FOR ANYONE THAT NEEDS A

  • FAVOR.

  • >> Stephen: JERRY, I'M DOING A BENEFIT LATER THIS YEAR, I'M

  • DOING A BENEFIT LATER THIS YEAR, AND FICOULD INTERVIEW YOU FOR

  • THIS BENEFIT THAT WOULD BE FANTASTIC.

  • >> SURE, I'M IN.

  • >> Stephen: GREAT, DONE.

  • THAT'S ON TAPE.

  • THAT STAYS IN THE INTERVIEW RIGHT THERE.

  • >> ALL THOSE WORDS AGAINST ME, AS LINDSEY GRAHAM SAID.

  • "SAVE THE TAPE."

  • >> Stephen: LET ME ASK YOU ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.

  • THIS OP-ED YOU DID IN THE "NEW YORK TIMES" ABOUT NEW YORK,

  • ABOUT PEOPLE SAYING NEW YORK IS DEAD.

  • I DON'T KNOW A SINGLE PERSON WHO ACTUALLY HAS STAYED IN NEW YORK

  • WHO WASN'T OFFENDED BY PEOPLE SAYING, "NEW YORK IS DEAD.

  • IT'S NEVER COMING BACK."

  • THE PRESIDET JUST SAID-- WHAT DID HE SAY?

  • IT'S A GHOST TOWN.

  • DOESN'T KNOW IF THE TOWN IS GOING TO RECOVER.

  • DO YOU HAVE ANY THOUGHTS ABOUT THE PRESIDENT'S ASSESSMENT?

  • >> WELL, YOU KNOW, ANYBODY CAN LOOK AT THIS PRESENT MOMENT AND

  • ASSUME THAT THAT'S THE WAY THINGS WILL ALWAYS BE, AND

  • THAT'S JUST-- THAT'S A-- THAT'S A FOIBLE OF HUMAN PERCEPTION.

  • WE THINK TODAY IS EVERYTHING.

  • WE-- WE STRUGGLE TO ZOOM OUT TO SEE-- THIS IS ALL JUST ANOTHER

  • PASSING MOMENT.

  • IT'S-- THESE ARE ALL JUST PASSING MOMENTS.

  • >> Stephen: ARE YOU BEING TRANSCENDENTAL RIGHT NOW?

  • IS THIS THE MEDITATION TALKING?

  • >> YOU KNOW, A LITTLE BIT.

  • YOU DO KIND OF TRANSCEND THE-- YOU KNOW, DON'T-- WHAT'S THE

  • NAME OF THAT THING THAT THEY USE IN CALIFORNIA?

  • >> Stephen: E.K.G..

  • SEISMOGRAPH?

  • THIS THING?

  • >> YOU KNOW, DON'T DO THAT WITH YOUR LIFE.

  • DON'T DO THAT WITH YOUR DAY.

  • THAT'S THE-- THAT'S THE TENDENCY.

  • SOMETHING GOOD, I GO UP.

  • SOMETHING BAD, I GO DOWN.

  • SOMETHING GOOD-- YOU DON'T LIVE LIKE THAT.

  • NEW YORK CITY HAS BEEN MY