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  • WE'RE ALMOST THERE, GUYS.

  • ELECTION DAY IS JUST ONE WEEK AWAY.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH.

  • ONE WEEK-- OR 719 MORE TRUMP RALLIES.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) HOWEVER YOU WANT TO COUNT IT.

  • IT'S A WEEK TODAY, WHICH MEANS WE'RE ONLY FIVE WEEKS AWAY FROM

  • KNOWING WHO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) HAGAR, YOU'RE A BRAND-NEW

  • CITIZEN OF THIS COUNTRY.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS IS YOUR FIRST ELECTION.

  • HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT VOTING?

  • WE'RE SEVEN DAYS AWAY, BUT IF I >> I VOTED.

  • >> James: YOU DID IT!

  • YES,ER IT FELT AMAZING.

  • SO WE'RE GOOD, GUYS.

  • >> James: HAGAR VOTED IN CALIFORNIA.

  • I THINK THAT'S THE SWING ONE.

  • I THINK THAT'S IT.

  • THAT'S IT.

  • THE NEWS OUT OF THE NATION'S CAPITOL.

  • THERE'S A NEW ASSOCIATE JUSTICE ON THE SUPREME COURT BENCH

  • TODAY.

  • SENATE REPUBLICANS CONFIRMED AMY CONEY BARRETT LAST NIGHT

  • AFTER A HIGHLY-DIVIDED VOTE.

  • ZERO DEMOCRATS VOTED FOR HER.

  • BUT, AT LEAST THEY PUT UP A FIGHT.

  • AND BY "FIGHT" I MEAN, THEY SENT SOME VERY STRONGLY WORDED

  • TWEETS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) JUDGE BARRETT WAS SWORN IN AT

  • THE WHITE HOUSE LAST NIGHT.

  • WHCH MEANS THE GUY WHO OWNED THE MISS TEEN USA PAGEANT HAS

  • NOW APPOINTED A FULL ONE-THIRD OF THE SUPREME COURT.

  • WE'RE HAVING FUN, GUYS!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND OLD HABITS DIE HARD.

  • AT THE VERY END OF THE SWEARING IN CEREMONY, TRUMP INSTINCTIVELY

  • TRIED TO PLACE A CROWN AND SASH ON HER.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) YESTERDAY, DONALD TRUMP HELD A

  • RALLY IN PENNSYLVANIA AND HE TOOK A MOMENT TO MENTION A KEY

  • VOTING BLOCK, I THINK?

  • I DON'T KNOW.

  • HE STARTED TALKING ABOUT THE AMISH.

  • >> HARD WORKERS, INCREDIBLE CRAFTSMEN.

  • YOU'VE DONE WORK FOR ME OVER THE YEARS, I TELL YA.

  • THEY CAN THROW UP A BARN IN ABOUT TWO DAYS.

  • >> JAMES: TRUMP WENT ON LIKE "THESE GUYS MAKE ALL THE BEST

  • BARNS.

  • POTTERY BARN, DRESS BARN...

  • BANES AND NOBLE."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S STRANGE TO HEAR TRUMP

  • TALKING ABOUT THE AMISH.

  • THE TWO OF THEM LITERALLY HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON.

  • BESIDES SLEEPING IN A DIFFERENT BED THAN THEIR SPOUSE.

  • THAT'S IT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT THESE GUYS BEHIND TRUMP SEEM

  • TO BE LOVING IT.

  • THEY SAID THEY HAVEN'T SEEN SOMETHING THIS ENTERTAINING

  • SINCE JEDIDIAH GOT HIS HEAD STUCK IN THE BUTTER BUCKET.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AT ANOTHER POINT IN THE RALLY

  • TRUMP READ HIS FAVORABLE POLL NUMBERS TO THE CROWD.

  • >> WE'RE LEADING BY FOUR POINTS IN FLORIDA.

  • YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT, DID YOU?

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE LEADING BY INFINITY IN

  • UTAH.

  • >> James: ARE YOU?

  • I'LL BE HONEST, I'VE NOT SEEN THE LATEST POLLS.

  • BUT I FEEL LIKE "INFINITY" MIGHT, MIGHT BE AN EXAGGERATION.

  • HE'S LIKE A CHILD.

  • "IN UTAH WE'RE LEADING BY INFINITY, LIKE GAJILLIONS VOTES

  • AND THEN OLAF THE SNOWMAN IS GONNA COME TO MY BIRTHDAY

  • PARTY!" ( LAUGHTER )

  • TRUMP ISN'T THE ONLY ONE ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL.

  • TODAY, PRESIDENT OBAMA SAID TRUMP IS DESPERATE FOR ATTENTION

  • AND JEALOUS OF COVID'S MEDIA COVERAGE.

  • TO BE FAIR, COVID HAS GOTTEN SOME SOLID MEDIA COVERAGE.

  • WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO BE LINKED TO TOM HANKS AND IDRIS ELBA?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) OFF AND ON THIS SHOW WE MOCK

  • DONALD TRUMP FOR GOING OFF THE RAILS WHILE SPEAKING BUT OBAMA

  • PROVED TODAY IT CAN HAPPEN TO THE BEST OF US.

  • >> EACH TIME THEY TRY TO REPEAL IT THEY SAY, OH, WE'VE GOT A

  • GREAT PLACEMENT, IT'S COMING.

  • EVERYBODY'S A LITTLE YOUNG HERE BUT YOU GUYS REMEMBER POPEYE?

  • AND REMEMBER THAT GUY WHO ALWAYS NEEDED TO BORROW SOME MONEY FOR

  • A HAMBURGER?

  • HE SAID, DON'T WORRY, I'LL BE PAYING YOU BACK SOME TIME SOON?

  • THAT'S LIKE REPUBLICANS WITH HEALTHCARE.

  • >> James: WHAT?!

  • WHAT?!

  • I THOUGHT HE WAS TEEING HIMSELF UP FOR A SPINACH REFERENCE, BUT

  • OBAMA WENT FOR THAT DEEP CUT.

  • EVEN THE PEOPLE WHO CREATED POPEYE WERE LIKE, "HAMBURGER

  • GUY?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) DO YOU GET IT?

  • >> Reggie: I GET IT.

  • >> James: DO YOU GET IT?

  • >> Reggie: YEAH.

  • >> James: THE WHOLE BAND GETS IT.

  • ALL YOU'VE DONE IS CEMENT WHAT I'M SAYING WHICH IS -- STEVE'S

  • LIKE, HAMBURGER GUY, BORROW MONEY FOR A BURGER, NEVER GET IT

  • BACK.

  • HE'D SAY PAY YOU TUESDAY.

  • >> Reggie: GLADLY PAY YOU TUESDAY FOR A HAMBURGER TODAY.

  • >> THAT'S THE TERMS MOST MUSICIANS WORK UNDER.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> James: VERY GOOD, VERY

  • GOOD!

  • I DIDN'T KNOW.

  • I'LL BE HONEST, YOU'VE RUINED THE NEXT FEW JOKES.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WE'RE ALL HAVING A GREAT TIME

  • AND I LOVE THIS HAMBURGER POPEYE THING.

  • WHAT DO YOU THINK OF WITH POPEYE, SPINACH MUSCLES?

  • NO, THE HAMBURGER GUY.

  • >> WIMPY.

  • >> James: HIS NAME IS WHAT.

  • WIMPY.

  • THERE'S A BURGER CHAIN NAMED WIMPY'S.

  • >> James: THERE'S A BURGER CHAIN NAMED WIMPIES.

  • YOU COME HERE FOR THIS LEVEL OF EXCLUSIVE.

  • THERE'S STILL A WIMPY ON MARLO STREET IN BUCKINGHAMSHIRE.

  • THANK YOU FOR LEADING THE.

  • [ APPLAUSE ] ( APPLAUSE )

  • TIM HAD HIS BIRTHDAY PARTY THERE AND WE COULDN'T AFFORD TO HAVE

  • HIS BIRTHDAY PARTY THERE AND IT RANK ALSO ME TO THIS DAY.

  • SORRY?

  • >> LOOK AT YOU KNOW.

  • WHERE IS TIM?

  • >> James: Facebook.

  • HE'S WORTH $4.4 BILLION.

  • YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TIM BUCKRAGE IS IN NOW.

  • WE'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW NOW.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) STEVE, WHAT'S GOING ON?

  • YOU LOOK GOOD TODAY.

  • >> IT'S FALL COLORS.

  • >> James: WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?

  • YOU'VE GOT A DATE TONIGHT?

  • >> NO.

  • NO, NO, NO.

  • >> James: DON'T SAY IT LIKE THAT.

  • >> I GOT A HAIRCUT TODAY.

  • >> James: BUT LOOK AT THIS LOOK TODAY.

  • I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU SO BOLD FROM THE WAIST DOWN.

  • WHAT IS THIS A MUSTARD PANT?

  • >> YEAH, THESE COLORS TOTALLY GO TOGETHER.

  • >> James: THEY DO.

  • IT ALL WORKS AND IT'S COMPENSATING FOR THIS TRACK SUIT

  • THAT TIM KEEPS STICKING WITH.

  • I MEAN, WHO DOESN'T LIKE TIGERS, RIGHT?

  • >> RARRRR!

  • >> James: DID YOU SEE THIS?

  • ON THE WAY HOME FROM EARLY VOTING, A WOMAN IN SOUTH

  • CAROLINA STOPPED AT A GAS STATION TO PURCHASE A LOTTERY

  • TICKET, AND SHE ENDED UP WINNING $2-MILLION.

  • AND IF THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU ANGRY ENOUGH, SHE VOTED FOR

  • KANYE.

  • IT'S INCREDIBLE.

  • SHE WENT TO THE POLLS A DEMOCRAT AND ARRIVED HOME A REPUBLICAN.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) SHE WON $2-MILLION AND GOT TO

  • VOTE ON THE SAME DAY.

  • AND YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SAID WAS THE BEST PART?

  • DOING HER PART IN DEMOCRACY-- I'M KIDDING, IT'S THE FACT THAT

  • SHE WON $2-MILLION.

  • WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY, IAN?

  • REGGIE?

  • EWE'RE PRETENDING LIKE YOU HAVEN'T IN LIFE ALREADY, BUT

  • WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY?

  • >> HOW MUCH?

  • >> James: SEE, THAT'S WHEN YOU KNOW YOU'RE RICH.

  • THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW HOW RICH REGGIE IS.

  • BUT WHEN YOUR QUESTION IS HOW MUCH?

  • WHAT IS IT, TEN?

  • IT WOULDN'T MAKE A HUGE DENT IN MY LIFE, REALLY.

  • WHAT WOULD I DO, BUY ANOTHER CAR?

  • I DON'T KNOW, WHAT IS THE LOTTERY HERE?

  • WHAT DO WE PAY FOR HERE, IAN?

  • >> LET'S SAY $150 MILLION.

  • >> James: 150 MILLION.

  • WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

  • >> Reggie: I WOULD PROBABLY HELP A BUNCH OF KIDS WITH COOL

  • INSTRUMENTS, TECHNOLOGY, KIND OF LIKE FIGURE THAT OUT.

  • THEN I WOULD PROBABLY INVEST IN HIRED JEN FUEL CELL PLANES SO I

  • WOULD GET, LIKE, A PRIVATE PLANE BUT IT WOULD RUN ON HIRED JEN

  • BATTERY SO IT WOULD BE ZERO EMISSIONS.

  • THEN I WOULD PROBABLY GET A SALTWATER SWIMMING POOL.

  • THEN I WOULD PROBABLY REDESIGN A HOUSE SO IT'S HERMETICALLY

  • SEALED AND THEY CAN CONTROL THE ENTIRE ENVIRONMENT FROM AIR

  • QUALITY TO HUMIDITY AND ALL THOSE FACTORS.

  • >> James: I DID SAY 150 MILLION.

  • I DIDN'T SAY $7 BILLION.

  • >> THAT'S CORRECT.

  • THAT'S BASICALLY IT.

  • >> James: WHAT ABOUT YOU, IAN, YOU WIN BIG ON THE LOTTERY.

  • >> LIE ABOUT IT.

  • >> James: REALLY?

  • YEAH, I WOULDN'T TELL A PERSON.

  • I'D EVEN KEEP COMING BACK INTO WORK.

  • I'D SHOW UP IN SLIGHTLY GUARDIER AND GUARD GAUDIER OUTFITS UNTIL

  • YOU ASKED ME ABOUT IT.

  • >> James: IT'S NOT THAT BIG A LEAP.

  • >> 68 CHAINS AND A VELVET TRACK SUIT.

  • >> James: FINALLY, WE HAVE A NEW

  • GUINNESS WORLD RECORD TO TELL YOU ABOUT.

  • A MAN IN IDAHO JUST BROKE THE RECORD FOR BOUNCING A PING PONG

  • BALL OFF OF A WALL USING ONLY HIS MOUTH.

  • IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW THAT WORKS, DON'T WORRY, THERE'S A

  • VIDEO.

  • >> THREE, TWO, ONE, GO.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> James: I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> James: I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF

  • WE'RE ALLOWED TO SHOW THAT ON CBS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I JUST WANT TO SAY, HONESTLY, WE

  • DIDN'T ADD THAT MUSIC.

  • THE PORNO MUSIC WAS ON THE VIDEO, ALREADY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT,

  • REG?

  • >> Reggie: I DON'T KNOW.

  • IT MAKES ME FEEL REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.

  • >> James: AND ME BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW -- I CAN'T PUT

  • TOGETHER THE STEPS ON HOW YOU GET THERE.

  • I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHO'S, LIKE, GOT A PING-PONG BALL IN THEIR

  • MOUTH AND THEY'RE, LIKE -- ( LAUGHTER )

  • >> Reggie: THAT'S TERRIBLE.

  • >> James: WHAT'S THE WORLD RECORD FOR THIS?

  • HOW'S THERE EVEN AN EXISTING RECORD?

  • >> DO YOU THINK THERE'S A CRUSTY OLD COACH THAT SAID I HAVEN'T

  • SEEN ANYONE SPIT A PING-PONG BALL LIKE THAT SINCE 1983 AND

  • THEN STARTED TRAINING HIM.

  • >> James: YOU REMIND ME OF MITCH HEMALSTEIN, ONE OF THE

  • GREATS!

  • >> HE STARTED BY SPITTING OUT PLUMS!

  • >> James: THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THE VIDEO THAT LEFT A BAD

  • TASTE IN MY MOUTH.

  • HE BROKE THE RECORD, THOUGH HE ALMOST CHOKED.

  • ( RIM SHOT ) ( LAUGHTER )

  • I CAN'T STRESS ENOUGH, THE NEXT JOKE I'M ABOUT TO SAY REQUESTED

  • THREE TIMES BE CUT FROM THE MONO, AND IT'S JUST BEEN PLACED

  • BACK IN EVERY TIME SO I'LL GIVE IT MY BEST AND WE'LL SEE HOW IT

  • PLAYS.

  • IF LOVING THIS GUY'S PONG, I DON'T WANT TO BE RIGHT.

  • ( RIM SHOT ) ( APPLAUSE )

  • GOT TO HAND IT TO HIM, THOUGH, GOT TO HAND IT TO HIM, YOU DO.

  • THIS GUY, YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID?

  • DO YOU KNOW WHERE HE WENT, GUILLERMO, REG?

  • HE WENT BALLS TO THE WALL.

  • ♪ ♪

WE'RE ALMOST THERE, GUYS.

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