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  • -Thank you very much!

  • Welcome to "The Tonight Show." Thank you so much.

  • Let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, the election is just a week away,

  • but the White House is making news for all the wrong reasons.

  • Take a look.

  • -Concerns of another coronavirus outbreak at the White House,

  • after five of Vice President Mike Pence's associates,

  • including his chief of staff, test positive for COVID-19.

  • The Vice President campaigning in North Carolina,

  • a move defended by White House officials,

  • who called him an essential worker.

  • -Even Joe Biden is like, "Trust me.

  • Being Vice President is not essential work."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right. The coronavirus is spreading

  • through the coronavirus task force.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But don't worry -- the White House is now forming

  • a task force to figure out what went wrong with the task force.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, the only place the coronavirus

  • is rounding the corner is in the halls of the White House.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Seriously, it doesn't instill a lot of confidence

  • that the head of the coronavirus task force's office

  • got the coronavirus.

  • It's like if the Avengers got mugged.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, when Pence saw he was trending online, he was like,

  • "Oh, no. Do I have another fly on my head?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right, Pence will continue to campaign,

  • 'cause not even COVID can stop people from seeing

  • the electricity and raw sexual magnetism

  • that is Mike Pence in person. [ Laughter ]

  • That's right, five members of Mike Pence's staff

  • tested positive for coronavirus.

  • Pence himself tested negative,

  • but he did go through a contact-tracing program.

  • We actually got the audio from the phone call with his doctor.

  • Listen to this.

  • -There you go. Well, interesting.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Interesting that we got that audio.

  • And this didn't help. Yesterday, White House

  • chief of staff Mark Meadows got a lot of attention

  • for what he said about controlling the virus.

  • Watch this.

  • -So here's what we have to do.

  • We're not going to control the pandemic.

  • We are going to control the fact that we get vaccines,

  • therapeutics, and other mitigations --

  • -Why aren't we gonna get control of the pandemic?

  • -The White House has said, "It is what it is,

  • and we are not going to control it."

  • They talk about COVID like it's a wild teen on "Dr. Phil."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "We're out of ideas.

  • Hopefully this thing calms down with age."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's like the coronavirus won the Super Bowl,

  • except it already made trips to Disneyland and the White House.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, the White House isn't alone.

  • Fox News is also dealing with their own outbreak.

  • Listen to this.

  • -"The New York Times" reports the president of Fox News

  • and several of the channel's top anchors,

  • including Bret Baier and Martha MacCallum,

  • they have been advised to quarantine.

  • They were exposed to the virus on a flight to Nashville

  • for last Thursday's final presidential debate.

  • -Dang. First, Pence's inner circle

  • gets COVID and now Trump's.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I hope none of the anchors on Fox News have the virus,

  • 'cause if you think Sean Hannity's intense now,

  • imagine him on steroids.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But this was nice. Trump called to check

  • on everyone, then spent the next 55 minutes

  • ranting about windmills.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • They say if anyone's acting disoriented or lethargic,

  • don't worry -- that's just Lou Dobbs.

  • -The caravan of mostly Central American immigrants

  • is now in the Mexican City of "Wach-la-da" tonight.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -Oh, Lou, come on.

  • We're almost done showing that. [ Laughter ]

  • Get this -- the Trump administration

  • did have a plan for a COVID vaccine.

  • Check out who they wanted to give it to.

  • -Santa And Mrs. Claus will not be getting an early vaccine.

  • The Department of Health and Human Services is dropping

  • a holiday ad campaign that would have offered

  • Santa Claus performers, along with Mrs. Claus

  • and elf performers, early access to a vaccine

  • in exchange for promoting the benefits to the public.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -That was their plan?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Mall Santas?

  • Yeah, 'cause before making any important medical decisions,

  • I wanna hear what a drifter with whiskey breath has to say.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Seriously, nothing says "trustworthy" quite like a man

  • sitting outside a Hot Topic, asking you to sit on his lap.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Have you ever seen a mall Santa?

  • Coronavirus is like 10th on the list of things

  • they need vaccines for.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Speaking of the holidays, Halloween is almost here,

  • and last night, the Trumps hosted trick-or-treaters

  • at the White House, where they were greeted

  • by two kids who dressed up like them.

  • Look that. [ Laughter ]

  • Well, at least one Trump is wearing a mask.

  • [ Laughter, groans ]

  • But this was crazy. At one point,

  • Trump fled to his bunker when he saw a little girl

  • dressed as Lesley Stahl.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, this Halloween party was a little different.

  • Instead of candy, Trump was handing out unapproved vaccines.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I hope everyone had a good time 'cause I don't think

  • Melania's next event will be quite as fun.

  • Yeah, exactly. [ Laughter ]

  • Some more political news -- this weekend, Russian president

  • Vladimir Putin was asked about Joe Biden's family.

  • Check it out.

  • -Russian President Vladimir Putin isn't going along

  • with one of President Trump's campaign attacks

  • on Joe Biden's son.

  • On state television, Mr. Putin said he doesn't see

  • anything criminal in Hunter Biden's past

  • business ties with Ukraine or Russia.

  • -2020 -- where Vladimir Putin is somehow the voice of reason.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Even Putin is distancing himself from Trump.

  • He's like, "Donald is too much drama,

  • like a Real Housewife of Volgograd.

  • Volgograd. Real Housewife of Volgograd."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Putin was like, "Terrible, terrible conspiracy.

  • I give it one out of five poison syringes."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Here's a big story.

  • Today, the Senate voted to confirm Judge Amy Coney Barrett

  • to the Supreme Court. Take a look.

  • -On this vote, the yeas are 52, the nays are 48.

  • The nomination of Amy Coney Barrett of Indiana

  • to be an associate justice of the Supreme Court

  • of the United States is confirmed.

  • -Yeah, Republicans haven't moved that fast

  • since they saw A.O.C. in the hallway.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Let's change gears. I heard about a Walmart

  • in Oklahoma that had to be evacuated

  • after an unexpected visitor walked in.

  • Watch this.

  • -And an Edmond Walmart shuts down after a skunk

  • runs loose inside the store.

  • Experts say the skunk was stuck in the shoe department.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -I never told anybody this, but for years,

  • I toured in a country band named Walmart Skunk.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It was even more strange when a customer

  • ran down the aisle like,

  • "Hubert, get back on your leash!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • When the skunk walked past the Axe Body Spray aisle,

  • it was like, "Ugh! What is that?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I wonder what could've attracted wild animals into a Walmart.

  • -KFC is bringing back it's collaboration with Walmart

  • to offer the fried-chicken scented fire log again.

  • -Mmm.

  • -If Trump gets re-elected, that'll be the smoke

  • that comes out of the White House chimney.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm kidding. But that's what they light

  • at the Vatican when the Pope wants a 12-piece.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The KFC log sounds fun until your dog jumps onto the fire.

  • -Aww! [ Laughter ]

  • -I'm a little -- I'm a little classier myself.

  • I prefer a Boston Market-scented fire log.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • So...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And finally, here's an update

  • to a story we told you about last week.

  • On Wednesday, NASA teased a big announcement

  • that they would be making about the Moon.

  • Well, here it is.

  • -NASA says they have found proof of water on the Moon.

  • So, a pair of recent studies prove there are water molecules

  • in the dirt and large ice patches in the shadows.

  • -Actually, the big announcement

  • was just that NASA just added this sign.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm excited. This means we're one step closer to Moon sharks.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But this is great. Once the news broke,

  • Cardi B released a new song, "WAM."

-Thank you very much!

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COVID-19 Strikes White House Again | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/10/27
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