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  • -#Mood.

  • Send.

  • -Jimmy to the floor, please. Jimmy to the floor.

  • -♪ Now here you go again

  • You say you want your freedom

  • Well, who am I to keep you down

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's only right that you should

  • Play the way you feel it ♪♪

  • [ Song ends ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • ♪♪

  • -From Rockefeller Center in the heart of New York City,

  • it's "The Tonight Show," starring Jimmy Fallon.

  • Tonight, join Jimmy and his guests,

  • Maya Rudolph, Matt Bomer, musical guest 070 Shake.

  • And featuring the legendary Roots crew.

  • And now, here's your host, Jimmy Fallon.

  • ♪♪

  • -Get it!

  • ♪♪

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -Hey!

  • Oh, my goodness! Hey!

  • Thank you so much, everybody. Welcome to "The Tonight Show."

  • Thank you so much for tuning in and watching our show.

  • Let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, tonight, was the first and only

  • Vice Presidential debate between Mike Pence

  • and Kamala Harris in Salt Lake City, Utah.

  • Usually, vice presidential debates can be pretty boring,

  • so this year, they decided to spice things up

  • and have it in Utah.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • When he heard the debate was in Salt Lake,

  • Mike Pence was like, "Ah, yeah, Sin City."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It was a big night.

  • [ Laughter continues ]

  • Democrats were hyping up the debate all day.

  • They were calling it the Thrilla with Vanilla.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • With everything that's happened in the last few days,

  • this was a pretty rough spot for Pence.

  • The first question the moderator asked was, "So, how are things?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah. Tonight's moderator was from "USA Today."

  • No one actually invited her.

  • She just showed up outside the door

  • with a continental breakfast.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Of course, in light of the White House

  • becoming a COVID hot spot, new safety measures

  • were taken for tonight's debate.

  • Harris and Pence were seated about 12 feet from each other

  • and separated by plexiglass.

  • Here's a photo of the stage. Yeah.

  • That's not a debate stage.

  • That looks like two bank tellers feuding with each other.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That looks like the exit of a Barnes & Noble.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Don't go off, don't go off, don't go --

  • I didn't steal anything! I just feel like I did."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm sure it's safe, 'cause if there's one thing

  • we know about the virus particles,

  • they always travel in a straight line.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • At one point, Pence breathed on the glass

  • and then used his finger to write, "Take me with you."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And this is good. Everyone in the crowd

  • at tonight's debate was wearing a mask.

  • It was like a Rose Garden event at the White House,

  • only the exact opposite.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, back in Washington, as if there isn't enough

  • going on at the White House right now,

  • the entire place is infested with raccoons.

  • [ Laughter ] -Yes!

  • Yes. -That --

  • That's a fun decision for the White House staff.

  • Stay inside and get COVID from Trump,

  • or go outside and get rabies from a raccoon.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep. Officials said, "We spotted one earlier,

  • eating from a dumpster." And the reporters were like,

  • "We're still talking about the raccoon, right?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Mr. President! Mr. President!"

  • [ Imitating loud eating ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Don't touch him. Don't touch him.

  • Don't touch him."

  • Don't worry. Trump is taking care of it

  • with our newest military branch, the Raccoon Force.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Right now, Trump's only friends are the White House raccoons

  • and the blue dinosaur he's been hallucinating

  • since Friday. [ Laughter ]

  • "Is that right, Reginald? He agrees."

  • Speaking of Trump, he's been very busy at the White House,

  • and I mean very busy.

  • To give you an idea, here are some of the tweets

  • he's sent in the last 24 hours.

  • He was tweeting so much,

  • his thumbs each had their own fevers.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yesterday afternoon, Trump tweeted that he wanted to wait

  • until after the election to sign a second round

  • of COVID stimulus relief.

  • But then, a few hours later, he tweeted at Nancy Pelosi

  • and said, "I'm ready to sign right now.

  • Are you listening, Nancy?"

  • Pelosi was like, "Hang on. I'm still going through

  • all those blank papers that you signed over the weekend."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Donald J. Trump."

  • Yeah, based on all these tweets,

  • it seems like Trump is feeling better.

  • But White House staffers aren't taking any chances.

  • Apparently, everyone around Trump

  • is now dressed in full PPE.

  • Yeah. Life comes at you fast.

  • You know, a week ago, Trump was at a rally,

  • and now the people around him

  • are dressed like scientists in "E.T."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, everyone goes into Trump's room covered in plastic.

  • It's like going to see Shamu

  • and getting a seat in the splash zone.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Yeah.

  • [ Laughter continues ]

  • You like the splash zone?

  • Guys, Christmas is still a couple of months away,

  • but it looks like the virus will make celebrating the holidays

  • a little different this year. Check it out.

  • -Santa Claus will still make an appearance

  • at the mall this year,

  • but don't count on hugging or touching Santa.

  • At some malls, Santa Will meet with families

  • as he appears to sit inside

  • a giant snow globe or behind plexiglass.

  • Other mall operators are even offering Zoom calls

  • instead of in-person visits.

  • The idea, to have a touchless experience with Santa.

  • ♪♪

  • -Santa heard and was like -- [ Inhales sharply ] --

  • "If I wanted a touchless experience,

  • I'd be home with Mrs. Claus."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right, meeting Santa over Zoom,

  • which means all the kids will get to see Santa's

  • very magical studio apartment.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Also, Santa behind plexiglass -- basically, talking to Santa

  • is gonna look like talking to a prison inmate.

  • It's like, "I'm gonna get you out of here, girl.

  • You stay strong." [ Laughter ]

  • "You did nothing wrong. Okay?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "The brake lines were cut. That's all."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep.

  • When the news broke, everyone was upset.

  • Meanwhile, the First Lady was like...

  • -Who gives a [bleep] about Christmas stuff?

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -Oh, here's something that we didn't need.

  • I saw that Dunkin' Donuts and Baskin Robbins

  • are teaming up for a fall-themed milkshake

  • with Munchkins doughnuts blended in. Check this out.

  • [ All groan ]

  • Gosh.

  • I think it'd be healthier to sit on Santa's lap.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Actually, I think it would be healthier to sit on Trump's lap.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • In Boston, they call that juice.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • How do you even eat that? A straw?

  • A spoon? Alone?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And finally, a former public library employee in Austin

  • was arrested for a pretty interesting crime.

  • Listen to this.

  • -At a library in Austin, Texas,

  • a former worker at the library is accused of stealing

  • $1.3 million worth of printer toner,

  • then selling it online.

  • If convicted, he could face prison time.

  • -$1.3 million in toner.

  • That's like five cartridges.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • As if being caught wasn't bad enough, when he got home,

  • he realized he had stolen the wrong kind.

  • [ Laughter ] "HP-925? What?

  • You gotta be kidding me!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Also, how can a library that charges 50 cents

  • for an overdue book have $1.3 million worth of toner?

-#Mood.

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Trump’s White House Infested with COVID-19 and Raccoons | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/10/27
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