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  • ♪ ♪

  • ♪ >> STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK.

  • LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE!

  • >> Jon: HELLO.

  • YOU GOT THE INK ON THE SHIRT.

  • WHAT'S THAT?

  • >> Stephen: I THREW A PEN AT CHRIS JUST NOW BECAUSE HE WASN'T

  • LOOKING AT ME.

  • I'M NOT A FRAGILE PERFORMER BUT I WILL NOT, NOT BE LOOKED AT, SO

  • I THREW A PEN AT HIM AND GOT INK ON HIS SHIRT SO I THINK I HAVE A

  • DRY-CLEANING BILL.

  • DO YOU KNOW WHY I'M IN A GOOD MOOD?

  • >> Jon: WHY IS THAT?

  • >> Stephen: OVER THE WEEKEND I GOT MY MAIL-IN BALLOT.

  • I'M REALLY EXCITED.

  • I CAN'T WAIT.

  • >> Jon: IT'S TIME.

  • LET'S GO.

  • >> Stephen: LOOKING AT THE BALLOT GAVE ME A FEELING OF

  • AGENCY, LIKE I COULD ACTUALLY HAVE SOME SAY OVER THE FUTURE OF

  • THIS COUNTRY.

  • I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT.

  • >> OH, YEAH, YOU LOOK AT THAT BALLOT YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU

  • WANT TO DO.

  • >> Stephen: VOTE.

  • >> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.

  • >> Stephen: JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.

  • YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RESEARCHING THE MOST TOPICAL

  • TRADITIONAL MAORI TATTOO DESIGNS OF THE DAY, DEVELOPING A VISUAL

  • METAPHOR FOR A MEANINGFUL PERSONAL STORY, CRAFTING NEEDLES

  • OUT OF ALBATROSS BONES AND METICULOUSLY APPLYING A PIGMENT

  • MADE OF BURNT TIMBER TO CREATE THE ELEGANT BODY ART THAT IS MY

  • MONOLOGUE.

  • BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I LIKE TO GO TO THE PART OF THE

  • PLAYGROUND WHERE THE TEACHERS CAN'T SEE ME, TAKE THE PENKNIFE

  • MY FRIEND TOMMY STOLE FROM HIS DAD'S GLOVE COMPARTMENT, CARVE

  • HALF A PORTRAIT OF SPEED RACER IN MY ARM BECAUSE IT HURTS TOO

  • MUCH TO KEEP GOING, AND THEN RUB SOME BIC PEN INK IN THERE TO

  • FORM THE ADOLESCENT D.I.Y.

  • MISTAKE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:

  • "QUARANTINE-WHILE!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A MELBOURNE,

  • AUSTRALIA PILOT TOOK TO THE SKIES WITH THREE CHICKENS TO

  • CARRY OUT A PREYOM KIPPUR RITUAL."

  • IT'S THE SACRED JEWISH TRADITION OF CONFUSING THE HELL OUT OF

  • LIVESTOCK.

  • DUE TO THE BAN ON LARGE GATHERINGS, MANY ORTHODOX JEWS

  • WERE UNABLE TO PERFORM THE RITUAL OF "KAPPAROT," WHICH

  • "INVOLVES SWINGING A LIVE CHICKEN OVER ONE'S HEAD THREE

  • TIMES AND RECITING A PRAYER TO TRANSFER SINS TO THE BIRD."

  • SEEMS REALLY UNFAIR TO THE BIRD.

  • "NO, HONEY, THIS EXTREMELY DIZZY CHICKEN IS THE ONE WHO CHEATED

  • ON YOU."

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, WE HERE AT "MEANWHILE FAMILY ENTERTAINMENTS

  • AND WEAPONS SYSTEMS INCORPORATED" SOMETIMES COME

  • ACROSS SO MANY FAST-FOOD RELATED STORIES THAT WE HAD TO CREATE

  • OUR NEW QUARANTINE-WHILE SUB SEGMENT "CUISINE-WHILE."

  • CUISINE-WHILE, AS A FUN WAY TO SOOTHE PEOPLE UNDER LOCKDOWN "A

  • BROOKLYN PIZZERIA IS OFFERING "COMFORTING WORDS" AS A DELIVERY

  • MENU ITEM."

  • I DON'T THINK THEY GET HOW PIZZA WORKS.

  • MELTED CHEESE ON BREAD IS THE COMFORT.

  • WORDS ARE AN UNNECESSARY TOPPING, LIKE VEGETABLES.

  • YOU SAY YOU WANT THEM, BUT COME ON.

  • ACCORDING TO THE PIZZERIA, "FOR $1, OUR DELIVERY DRIVER WILL

  • LOOK YOU STRAIGHT IN THE EYES AND TELL YOU 'EVERYTHING'S GONNA

  • BE OKAY AND YOU'RE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN.'"

  • AND FOR $2, THEY WON'T.

  • BY THE WAY, EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY AND YOU'RE DOING THE

  • BEST YOU CAN.

  • CUISINE-WHILE, IN IRELAND, THEIR HIGHEST COURT HAS RULED THAT

  • SUBWAY SANDWICHES ARE TOO SUGARY TO MEET THE LEGAL DEFINITION OF

  • "BREAD."

  • SAID SUBWAY IN A STATEMENT, "YES, THIS IS THE MOST

  • CONTROVERSIAL BRUSH WITH THE LAW SUBWAY HAS EVER HAD.

  • THIS SUGAR BREAD THING.

  • NOTHING ELSE."

  • SO IRELAND IS CONCERNED THAT SUBWAY'S BREAD IS TOO SUGARY.

  • IRELAND, YOU'RE ADORABLE.

  • AMERICA LITERALLY HAS A SANDWICH THAT IS FRIED CHICKEN BETWEEN

  • TWO DONUTS.

  • YOU CAN GET IT WITH A SIDE OF FRIES AND A DEFIBRILLATOR.

  • AND THE DEFIBRILLATOR IS BETWEEN TWO DONUTS!

  • 'CAUSE THESE COLORS DON'T RUN!

  • CUISINE-WHILE, "A MCDONALD'S FANATIC IN NORTH DAKOTA IS

  • ENJOYING WIDESPREAD INTERNET MCFAME AFTER SHE WAS SPOTTED IN

  • THE MCDONALD'S DRIVETHRU WITH HER 'HMBRGLR' LICENSE PLATE."

  • WHAT A FUN COINCIDENCE.

  • JUST LIKE THAT TIME I WENT THROUGH THE TACO BELL

  • DRIVE-THROUGH WITH MY LICENSE PLATE THAT SAYS "RE-GRET."

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, RESEARCHERS ARE NOW ASKING, "COULD CATS HOLD

  • THE KEY TO A COVID-19 VACCINE?" I HOPE NOT.

  • I DO NOT WANT HUMANITY'S FATE IN THE HANDS OF CREATURES THAT

  • CLEARLY DON'T CARE IF WE LIVE OR DIE.

  • SCIENTISTS SAY "CATS DEVELOP A PROTECTIVE IMMUNE RESPONSE TO

  • COVID-19, LEADING RESEARCHERS TO WONDER WHETHER IT'S WORTH

  • STUDYING PETS TO AID IN THE DEVELOPMENT OF A HUMAN VACCINE."

  • SOUNDS GOOD.

  • BECAUSE MINGLING HUMAN AND CAT D.N.A. HAS NEVER GONE WRONG.

  • RELEASE THE BUTTHOLE CUT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, COLOR EXPERTS

  • PANTONE, IN AN EFFORT TO END THE STIGMA ASSOCIATED WITH

  • MENSTRUATION, HAVE UNVEILED "A NEW SHADE OF RED INSPIRED BY THE

  • COLOR OF WOMEN'S PERIODS."

  • WHICH IS JUST WRONG.

  • ANYONE WHO'S WATCHED A MAXI PAD COMMERCIAL KNOWS THE COLOR OF

  • WOMEN'S PERIODS IS ELECTRIC BLUE.

  • I THINK THEY WOULD KNOW.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN ENGLAND, DURING A TEST RUN OF THE FUTURE

  • OF EMERGENCY MEDICAL SERVICES, A JETPACK-EQUIPPED PARAMEDIC WAS

  • ABLE TO COVER A NORMALLY 25-MINUTE TREK UP A MOUNTAINSIDE

  • TO A SIMULATED EMERGENCY IN ONLY 90 SECONDS.

  • NOW UNFORTUNATELY, THE JET PACK ISN'T POWERFUL ENOUGH TO

  • TRANSPORT YOU TO A HOSPITAL, SO IN MANY CASES THEY CAN'T SAVE

  • YOUR LIFE.

  • BUT THE LAST THING YOU SEE WILL BE SO COOL!

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ETHAN HAWKE.

  • I WANT TO SEE THAT JET PACK.

  • ♪ ♪

♪ ♪

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B1 jon quarantine subway stephen pizzeria cuisine

Quarantinewhile... A Brooklyn Pizzeria Will Deliver Comforting Words To Your Door

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/10/27
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