Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

  • WELCOME TO A "LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • I'M HERE FROM THE LOVELY ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE

  • BUILDING.

  • MY LADY JOINS ME OVER THERE.

  • >> HELLO.

  • >> Stephen: WE ARE EIGHT DAYS FROM THE

  • ELECTION AND EXCITEMENT IS SPREADING ACROSS THE COUNTRY IF

  • BY EXCITEMENT YOU MEAN CORONAVIRUS.

  • 'CAUSE, UH, YEAH.

  • THEY SAID THE FALL WOULD GET BAD, AND THEY WAS RIGHT.

  • WE ARE EIGHT MONTHS INTO THE PANDEMIC, AND WE'RE ALL TIRED OF

  • IT.

  • I'VE ALREADY WATCHED EVERYTHING ON NETFLIX, EVERYTHING ON HULU

  • AND, IF ANYONE ASKS, EVERYTHING ON CBS ALL ACCESS.

  • BUT EVEN THOUGH WE'RE TIRED OF THE VIRUS, IT'S STILL SUPER

  • INTERESTED IN US.

  • ON FRIDAY, THE U.S. HIT AN ALL-TIME HIGH IN NEW CORONAVIRUS

  • CASES.

  • IT'S APRIL ALL OVER AGAIN.

  • WE'RE TALKING ABOUT "TIGER KING," WE'RE LEARNING HOW TO

  • REGROW OUR SCALLIONS, AND AS FAR AS WE KNOW, SMASH MOUTH HASN'T

  • KILLED ANYONE YET!

  • HELL, WE'VE GOT SANJAY GUPTA ON TOMORROW!

  • THAT'S NEVER A GOOD SIGN!

  • I HOPE HE'S HERE TO TALK ABOUT HIS NEW ALBUM!

  • GROOVIN' WITH GUPTA.

  • GROUP-TA.

  • HUH?

  • NO?

  • THAT'S NOT IT?

  • >> SINGING WITH SANJAY.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S BETTER THAN GROOVING WITH GUPTA?

  • NOTHING FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY.

  • I GOT HER OVER HERE.

  • TELLING ME WHETHER THE JOKES ARE GOOD OR NOT.

  • OKAY, ENOUGH!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WITH THESE RECORD NUMBERS, WE'VE

  • OFFICIALLY ENTERED, THE THIRD WAVE OF COVID-19 IN THE U.S.

  • OKAY, BUT THAT'S A LITTLE MISLEADING, BECAUSE IF YOU LOOK

  • AT THE CHART OF COVID WAVES, THE BOTTOM BEFORE THE THIRD WAVE IS

  • AS HIGH AS THE CREST OF THE FIRST WAVE.

  • IT'S NOT REALLY A THIRD WAVE IF THE FIRST WAVE NEVER ENDED.

  • IT'S LIKE HOW EVERY "ROCKY" MOVIE STARTS WITH THE END OF THE

  • LAST MOVIE.

  • SO THERE'S TECHNICALLY ONLY ONE, VERY LONG "ROCKY" MOVIE.

  • AND JUST LIKE ROCKY, THE MAIN CHARACTER TALKS LIKE HE'S SPENT

  • A LIFETIME GETTING PUNCHED IN THE HEAD.

  • BUT THIS DISTURBING NEWS BRINGS US TO OUR NEWEST SEGMENT: "CATCH

  • A THIRD WAVE: ENDLESS BUMMER."

  • CORONA BUNGA DUDE!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) YOU WANTED ME TO REHEARSE THAT?

  • WE ALMOST HAD TO REHEARSE THAT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WHAT, DO YOU THINK I COULDN'T

  • HANDLE THAT LEVEL OF DWRASK?

  • ARE WE GOING LONG RIGHT NOW?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) PART OF WHAT MAKES THIS LATEST

  • WAVE OF THE FIRST WAVE SO HARD TO CONTAIN IS HOW WIDESPREAD IT

  • IS.

  • HOSPITALIZATIONS HAVE JUMPED IN AT LEAST 38 STATES IN THE PAST

  • WEEK.

  • IN RESPONSE THIS WEEKEND, THE WHITE HOUSE DISPATCHED CHIEF OF

  • STAFF AND LAST BOY PICKED FOR THE WHITE FOOTBALL GAME, MARK

  • MEADOWS.

  • YESTERDAY, MEADOWS WENT ON CNN TO REASSURE A WORRIED NATION

  • THAT YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.

  • >> WE'RE NOT GOING TO CONTROL THE PANDEMIC.

  • >> STEPHEN: OKAY!

  • THAT WAS A SHORTER CLIP THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) OKAY!

  • SO AFTER EIGHT MONTHS OF NOT REALLY TRYING, NOW THEY'RE JUST

  • GIVING UP.

  • THAT'S NOT GOOD.

  • IT'S LIKE IF "MOTHERS AGAINST DRUNK DRIVING" CHANGED ITS

  • NAME TO "MOTHERS WHO REALIZE, HEY, YOU GOTTA GET HOME FROM THE

  • BAR SOMEHOW!" OF COURSE, THE MOST INFECTIOUS

  • PART OF THE COUNTRY IS THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION.

  • AT LEAST 30 PEOPLE ASSOCIATED WITH TRUMP CAUGHT THE VIRUS,

  • INCLUDING THE PRESIDENT AND FIRST LADY THEMSELVES,

  • AND NOW AT LEAST FIVE OF VICE PRESIDENT PENCE'S AIDES

  • HAVE TESTED POSITIVE FOR THE VIRUS.

  • THE NEW INFECTIONS IN THE VICE PRESIDENT'S INNER CIRCLE INCLUDE

  • HIS CHIEF OF STAFF, HIS TOP OUTSIDE POLITICAL ADVISER, AND

  • HIS "BODY MAN."

  • BY THE WAY, "BODY MAN" IS THE AIDE WHO IS WITH THE VICE

  • PRESIDENT AT ALL TIMES, AND NOT, AS I PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT, THE

  • LEAST POPULAR MEMBER OF THE JUSTICE LEAGUE.

  • IRONICALLY, PENCE IS THE HEAD OF THE CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE.

  • THIS REMINDS ME OF THAT FIRE SAFETY P.S.A.

  • >> ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES 'CAUSE I'VE STOPPED

  • TRYIN'!

  • ( HYSTERICAL LAUGHING ) >> STEPHEN: SO FAR, PENCE HAS

  • NOT TESTED POSITIVE, BUT THE C.D.C. RECOMMENDS PEOPLE STAY

  • HOME FOR 14 DAYS FOLLOWING POSSIBLE EXPOSURE.

  • BUT PENCE IS GOING TO KEEP CAMPAIGNING ANYWAY.

  • THE WHITE HOUSE JUSTIFIES IT BY CLAIMING PENCE IS AN ESSENTIAL

  • WORKER.

  • WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

  • HE'S VICE PRESIDENT.

  • AT BEST, HE IS VICE ESSENTIAL.

  • HE'S AMERICA'S SPARE TIRE.

  • YOU WANT HIM IN YOUR TRUNK, BUT YOU HOPE YOU NEVER HAVE TO USE

  • HIM.

  • F.D.R.'S VICE PRESIDENT, JOHN NANCE GARNER, WHO YOU NEVER

  • HEARD OF BECAUSE HE WAS VICE PRESIDENT, ONCE SAID, "THE VICE

  • PRESIDENCY IS NOT WORTH A BUCKET OF WARM SPIT."

  • A BUCKET OF WARM SPIT IS I'M GUESSING WHAT PENCE GETS WHEN HE

  • ORDERS SOUP IN A RESTAURANT.

  • TRUMP ISN'T LETTING THE COVID SURGE STOP HIM FROM CAMPAIGNING.

  • BETWEEN FRIDAY AND TODAY, HE HELD 11 CAMPAIGN EVENTS--

  • INCLUDING NINE RALLIES-- IN SEVEN STATES: FLORIDA, NORTH

  • CAROLINA, WISCONSIN, OHIO NEW HAMPSHIRE, MAINE, AND

  • PENNSYLVANIA, OR AS HISTORIANS WILL CALL THEM, "THE CORONA

  • BELT."

  • HE SPENT THE WEEKEND BLAMING THE PANDEMIC ON THE MEDIA.

  • >> THEY PROLONGED THE PANDEMIC.

  • THAT'S ALL I HEAR ABOUT NOW.

  • THAT'S ALL I HEAR.

  • TURN ON TELEVISION, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID,

  • COVID.

  • ON NOVEMBER 4th, YOU WON'T HEAR ABOUT IT ANYMORE.

  • >> Stephen: I WON'T, BECAUSE I WILL BE HUNG OVER.

  • BUT TRUMP DIDN'T JUST RAIL ON THE MEDIA FOR TALKING ABOUT

  • COVID, HE ALSO BLAMED THEM FOR HOW THEY TALK ABOUT ALL THE

  • NEW CASES: >> YOU USE THE WORD CASE BECAUSE

  • YOU'RE TRYING TO SCARE PEOPLE.

  • DON'T SCARE PEOPLE.

  • DON'T SCARE PEOPLE.

  • THE FACT IS THAT WE'RE DOING VERY WELL.

  • NOW, THE GOOD NEWS IS WE KNOW WHERE IT MAY BE.

  • THE BAD NEWS IS, ANYTIME YOU TEST, YOU'RE GOING TO COME UP

  • WITH CASES.

  • >> STEPHEN: SO, THE GOOD NEWS IS, WE KNOW WHERE IT IS.

  • THE BAD NEWS IS: EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK.

  • BUT AS UNIMPORTANT AS HE SAYS THIS PLAGUE IS, TRUMP ASSURED

  • HIS SUPPORTERS THAT HE'S THE ONLY GUY TO HANDLE IT:

  • >> WE UNDERSTAND THE DISEASE.

  • I UNDERSTAND IT BETTER THAN YOU.

  • I HAD IT.

  • WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT, RIGHT?

  • "SIR, YOU'VE TESTED POSITIVE."

  • I SAID, "TESTED POSITIVE FOR WHAT?"

  • >> STEPHEN: HOW MANY THINGS DOES HE GET

  • TESTED FOR?

  • (AS TRUMP) "TESTED POSITIVE FOR WHAT?

  • THE CLAP?

  • THE HERPS?

  • WHICH HEPATITIS DO I HAVE THIS TIME?

  • A, C-- I HOPE IT'S DOUBLE D'S."

  • IT WASN'T ALL COVID.

  • TRUMP ALSO TALKED ABOUT THE ELECTION AND TRIED TO APPEAL TO

  • AN IMPORTANT VOTING BLOCK: SENIORS.

  • >> BIDEN'S PLAN WOULD MEAN AMERICA'S SENIORS HAVE NO AIR

  • CONDITIONING DURING THE SUMMER.

  • NO HEAT DURING THE WINTER.

  • AND NO ELECTRICITY DURING PEAK HOURS.

  • IT'S TRUE.

  • >> STEPHEN: OKAY, IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO MAKE STUFF UP TO

  • SCARE THE OLDSTERS, WHY STOP THERE?

  • NO HEAT, NO A.C., BIDEN'S GOING TO PIERCE YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER'S

  • NOSE, HE'S GONNA CANCEL "WHEEL OF FORTUNE," HE'S GOING TO

  • OUTLAW THE CROCHETED THINGS YOU PUT OVER THE TOILET PAPER.

  • THE TOILETTE PAPER IS GOING TO BE NAKED AND CATCH A COLD!

  • IN ALAN HE HAD A CAMPAIGN PROMISE.

  • >> I'D LOVE TO JUST DRIVE OUT OF HERE.

  • JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS.

  • I HAD SUCH A GOOD LIFE.

  • MY LIFE WAS GREAT.

  • >> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT, I THINK I SPEAK FOR MANY AMERICANS

  • WHEN I SAY GET THE TRUCK OUT OF HERE.

  • HEY!

  • HALLOWEEN'S COMING UP.

  • LET'S TALK ABOUT CHRISTMAS.

  • THANKS TO A REPORT IN THE "WALL STREET JOURNAL," WE'VE JUST

  • LEARNED THAT THE WHITE HOUSE WANTED TO GIVE EARLY COVID

  • VACCINES TO MALL SANTAS.

  • WELL, MALL SANTAS DO HAVE DANGEROUS COMORBIDITIES LIKE

  • CHERRY NOSE AND BOWL-FULL-OF-JELLY BELLY.

  • AND, UH, ALCOHOLISM.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) KNOWING THE LAUGH OF A WOMAN

  • WHO'S TAKEN CHILDREN TO A MALL SANTA BEFORE.

  • APPARENTLY, THE SANTAS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE PART OF A SERIES

  • OF PRO-TRUMP COVID RESPONSE P.S.A.'S THAT WERE GONNA COST

  • $250 MILLION IN TAXPAYERS MONEY THAT CONGRESS HAD PREVIOUSLY

  • APPROPRIATED TO THE C.D.C.

  • DON'T WORRY, TRUMP'S GOING TO PAY BACK THAT QUARTER BILLION IN

  • HIS OWN TAXES.

  • WHICH WOULD TAKE...

  • LET'S SEE, $750 PER YEAR, $250 MILLION, HE'LL PAY THAT

  • BACK IN...

  • BACK IN...

  • ( CALCULATING CLICKING SOUNDS ) NEVER.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) TOTALLY WORTH THE WAIT.

  • TOTALLY WORTH THE WAIT.

  • THAT DOESN'T GET CUT.

  • THAT STAYS IN.

  • I DON'T CARE HOW LONG WE GO.

  • CUT SACHA BARON COHEN, THAT JOKE STAYS IN.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THESE PRO-TRUMP PROPAGANDISTS

  • PUT TOGETHER A LIST OF 30 BIG NAME CELEBRITIES WHO WOULD GO ON

  • CAMERA TO SAY HOW GREAT EVERYTHING WAS GOING, AND

  • EVERYONE SHOULD JUST CHEER UP.

  • THE WISH LIST INCLUDING TAYLOR SWIFT, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

  • LADY GAGA, BILLY JOEL, BRITNEY SPEARS, BRUNO MARS, BON JOVI,

  • AND MADONNA, BUT THEY ONLY MANAGED TO RECRUIT DENNIS QUAID,

  • CECE WINANS, AND HASIDIC SINGER SHOOLEM LEMMER.

  • WHICH IS KIND OF LIKE WHEN YOU ASK FOR AN XBOX FOR YOUR

  • BIRTHDAY, BUT INSTEAD YOU GET HASIDIC SINGER SHOOLEM LEMMER.

  • I'M SURE HE'S VERY TALONED.

  • DENNIS QUAID LATER DROPPED OUT.

  • RANDY QUAID'S STILL AVAILABLE.

  • SO, IT LOOKED LIKE THE P.S.A.'S WERE GOING TO HAVE TO BE A

  • LITTLE LESS CELEBRITY-FOCUSED.

  • THAT'S WHERE THE SANTAS COME IN.

  • THE ADMINISTRATION WANTED THE SANTAS TO APPEAR AT REGIONAL

  • EVENTS PROMOTING THE TRUMP VACCINE PROGRAM, AND FEATURING

  • "BEAUTIFUL EDUCATIONAL FILMS."

  • (AS TRUMP) "BEAUTIFUL EDUCATIONAL FILMS.

  • SANTA COMES HOME FROM WORK EARLY TO FIND MRS. CLAUS MAKING MORE

  • THAN RUDOLPH'S NOSE RED, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

  • TASTEFUL, BUT KIDS GOTTA LEARN SOMEHOW."

  • THE ORGANIZER OF THIS WHOLE THING WAS DISGRACED H.H.S.

  • SPOKESPERSON AND MAN PREPARED TO ANTE UP FOR THIS GAME OF STRIP

  • POKER, MICHAEL CAPUTO.

  • WE'RE FINDING OUT ABOUT THIS PLAN THANKS TO RIC ERWIN, THE

  • CHAIRMAN OF, AND THIS IS THEIR ACTUAL NAME, THE FRATERNAL ORDER

  • OF REAL BEARDED SANTAS.

  • OH, YEAH.

  • IT'S A TOUGH GANG.

  • YOU KNOW THE RULE: "NOG IN, NOG OUT.

  • SNITCHES GET BLITZEN."

  • ERWIN RECORDED HIS CALL WITH CAPUTO, AND ON THE TAPE, CAPUTO

  • OFFERED THE SANTA PERFORMERS EARLY VACCINE ACCESS AHEAD OF

  • THE GENERAL PUBLIC.

  • TO WHICH ERWIN REPLIED, "SINCE YOU WOULD BE DOING SANTA A

  • SERIOUS FAVOR, SANTA WOULD DEFINITELY RECIPROCATE."

  • A CLEAR CASE OF QUID-PRO-HO-HO-HO!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THAT JOKE FROM LITTLE RICHIE

  • DOM.

  • AGE EIGHT.

  • THANKS, RICHIE.

  • CAPUTO TOLD ERWIN WHY THE SANTAS WERE FIRST IN LINE FOR THE

  • VACCINE: "IF YOU AND YOUR COLLEAGUES ARE

  • NOT ESSENTIAL WORKERS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS,"

  • OKAY, SO YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.

  • "SORRY, TEACHERS AND NURSES.

  • WE'VE GOT TO PROTECT THE MEN WHO DO THE ESSENTIAL WORK OF MAKING

  • BABIES CRY IN FRONT OF THE ORANGE JULIUS."

  • THIS WEEKEND, IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT THE PROGRAM WAS BEING

  • SCRAPPED AND IT WAS A TOUGH BLOW TO SANTA-AMERICANS.

  • ERWIN SAID, "THIS WAS OUR GREATEST HOPE FOR CHRISTMAS

  • 2020, AND NOW IT LOOKS LIKE IT WON'T HAPPEN."

  • DON'T WORRY, SANTA.

  • YOU MIGHT NOT BE BACK FOR CHRISTMAS, BUT IF VACCINE

  • EXPERTS ARE RIGHT, YOU'LL BE COMIN' DOWN OUR CHIMNEYS ON THE

  • FOURTH OF JULY.

  • WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

  • LATER I'LL BE TALKING TO JEFF TWEEDY, BUT WHEN WE COME BACK,

  • SACHA BARON COHEN IS HERE.

  • STICK AROUND.

>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!