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  • -Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.

  • Let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, after two days of controversy,

  • today President Trump finally did the right thing

  • and forcefully rejected white supremacy.

  • Take a look.

  • [ Tone ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm --

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -I'm kidding. He hasn't done that at all.

  • And as a result, Republicans are distancing themselves

  • from the president.

  • -The president's debate performance has sparked

  • a torrent of criticism that even his most ardent allies

  • have struggled to contain.

  • And Republicans on Capitol Hill

  • are now distancing themselves from the president

  • after he failed to disavow a far-right fascist group.

  • -There's been six months of a pandemic

  • and now the Republicans are distancing?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yup, they're really trying to distance themselves

  • from Trump's white supremacy issue.

  • In fact, today Mitch McConnell brought a bill

  • to the Senate floor to bring back the Source Awards.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Wait, what?

  • [ Applause ]

  • That's right, Republicans said this as the last straw.

  • Then tomorrow they'll be like,

  • "Oh, we found a bunch more straws."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Turns out all these controversies are causing

  • the president's biggest supporters

  • to experience "Trump fatigue."

  • I think it might be true. Today when Trump called in

  • to "Fox & Friends," Steve Doocy was like,

  • "Ugh, just let the machine get it."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "We have to talk for 45 minutes, and just so --

  • Yeah, what did say?"

  • [ Speaking indistinctly ]

  • How do you get away from Trump though?

  • It's like dealing with a bear. Do you run?

  • Do you act big? Do you play dead?

  • No one knows. [ Laughter ]

  • That's right. Republicans are finally

  • stepping up to say it's not okay to publicly support

  • white supremacy...more than seven or eight times, tops.

  • Eight is -- eight is enough.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, earlier today, John Roberts from Fox News

  • tried to give the White House a chance to clear things up

  • and denounce white supremacy,

  • but Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany

  • had a tough time with that. Watch this.

  • -Just to clear it up this morning, can you, naming it,

  • make a declarative statement that you denounce --

  • that the president denounces it? -I just did.

  • The president has denounced this repeatedly.

  • -You read a bunch of quotes from the past.

  • -The president was asked this. You're making --

  • You're contriving a story. -No I'm not.

  • -Yeah, Trump's like some sort of mythical troll.

  • You got to ask the same question three times before you

  • get the answer you're looking for.

  • [ With accent ] "There's only one way to reveal the answer --

  • say the question, but in reverse."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The only way their gonna condemn white supremacy is

  • if you sneak it into Trump's teleprompter the way you sneak

  • medicine into a dog food.

  • [ As Trump ] "And then we're gonna --

  • I do not support white supremacists.

  • Bring back football."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • After that exchange, Roberts didn't hold back

  • how he was feeling.

  • This is real. Take a look at this.

  • -And for all of you on Twitter who are hammering me

  • for asking that question, I don't care,

  • because it's a question that needs to be asked

  • and clearly the president's Republican colleagues

  • a mile away from here

  • are looking for an answer for it, too.

  • So stop deflecting. Stop blaming the media.

  • I'm tired of it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • -Even Fox News is fed up with Trump.

  • That's like HGTV telling the Property Brothers

  • to take their tight jeans and near beards and beat it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Tariq: Near beards.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • -I hope that becomes a thing, man.

  • After Monday's tax bombshell, Tuesday's debate debacle,

  • and Wednesday's white supremacy disaster,

  • Trump seemed pretty down at last night's rally.

  • [ "YMCA" plays ]

  • -♪ Young man

  • There's no need to feel down

  • Stay at the YMCA

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -That's actual audio. That's real -- yeah.

  • Yes, of course. The classic "YMCA" dance.

  • Clapping, pointing, and drawing a circle with you finger.

  • [ Laughter ] One, two, three.

  • It's fun to stay --

  • YMCA

  • ♪♪

  • YMCA

  • They got everything

  • Making boys to men

  • Everything that a man could be

  • ♪♪

  • -Y...

  • Right after that dance, white supremacists

  • forcefully rejected Trump.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Here's a fun fact. Trump is in so much debt

  • pretty soon he'll be staying at the YMCA.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • After watching that, it's clear that if the presidency

  • doesn't work out, neither will "Dancing With the Stars."

  • ♪♪

  • I'm just kidding. That was a nice moment.

  • Trump was having fun. The crowd was having fun.

  • The coronavirus was having fun.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You know what, forget the next debate.

  • Let's just make it a dance-off instead.

  • -♪ Young man

  • When you're short on dough

  • You can stay there

  • -Good God.

  • ♪♪

  • [ Laughs ]

  • That's such a good move.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Everyone is still talking about the debates.

  • Oh, my God. Well, except for Rudy Giuliani,

  • who is talking about the "debat."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Amazing, you can't even tweet about the debate

  • without Trump interrupting you.

  • Trump might be -- Rudy might be right, 'cause

  • I don't think you can legally call what happened a debate.

  • Not sure where Rudy was going with this.

  • He's either got something to say about the debate

  • or he's looking for a D batteries.

  • But Giuliani --

  • [ Laughter ]

  • ♪♪

  • We are still on the air. We are still on the air.

  • That's the good news.

  • Actually, Giuliani quickly noticed and followed that up

  • with a "Oops, my ba."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • My ba.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Was afraid of the last letter.

  • -Yeah, I got it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The guy is doing Trump's debate prep, he can't spell debate.

  • That's like getting a text from your surgeon that says,

  • "Can't wait for your surjeree."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Some more news from Washington. It just came out

  • that the White House and the CDC

  • have been clashing over how to handle cruise lines

  • during the pandemic, take a look.

  • -The CDC is extending its ban on cruising from U.S. ports

  • through the end of this month.

  • Axios is reporting the CDC's director wanted to extend

  • the order until February,

  • but Vice President Pence overruled him.

  • Even the cruise ships know it's a bad idea.

  • For a six-day trip they tell you to pack for nine months.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It'll be a while.

  • Yeah, the White House overruled the CDC

  • on the current cruise ship ban,

  • which might explain this new ad I saw.

  • -Are you ready to get out of your apartment?

  • -Yes. -Are you tired of your

  • same old pandemic routine? -Oh, yeah.

  • -Then join us this November for a Carnival Cruise.

  • [ Ship horn blows ] -Wait, what?

  • -Dive into a pool filled with kids swimming in diapers.

  • -Do I have to? -Share a wet mic

  • at a karaoke lounge. -Why?

  • -Dig in hands first at our delicious buffet.

  • -Is this a trap? -Carnival Cruise.

  • Just a few liability waivers away from setting sail.

  • [ Ship horn blows ]

  • [ Imitates horn ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • Well, this isn't good.

  • The highest court in Ireland

  • just made a pretty shocking ruling, listen to this.

  • -Ireland Supreme Court has ruled that the bread served

  • at Subway restaurants can't legally be defined as bread.

  • Subway's bread contains five times

  • the qualifying limit of sugar.

  • -Man, all this time I thought it was healthy

  • to eat a meatball parm on 12 inches of honey bread.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Why am I gaining weight?

  • After the ruling, Subway was like, "Whew.

  • They didn't say anything about the meat."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It wasn't just bread. The court also said,

  • "And by the way, stop calling the guy making my sandwich

  • an 'artist.'" [ Laughter ]

  • That wasn't true. I made that up. That was a joke.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Also, what's going on in Ireland

  • where that made it to their highest court?

  • Our highest court is about to argue over health care,

  • and Ireland's arguing over sandwiches.

  • Can we live there? [ Laughter ]

  • Then the justices are like,

  • [ Irish accent ] "Next on the docket,

  • are Taco Bell's tacos actually tacos?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's one of my Irish accents, but this --

  • This one, what I do, it's the out-of-breath Irish accent.

  • Can you do an Irish accent? -Sure.

  • -Do it. Say "Taco Bell's aren't tacos."

  • -[ Irish accent ] Taco Bell's aren't tacos!

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -That's not Irish. I don't know who you sound like,

  • but it's not Irish, but --

  • But now do it but run out of breath, like...

  • -Okay. Uh, tacos...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -I'm not a -- I'm not a dialect coach.

  • What am I -- what am I doing? What am I doing?

  • I apologize. I apologize.

  • -Your Irish accent sounds more Jamaican to me.

  • -[ Irish accent ] "You never go to Jamaica...

  • [ Speaking indistinctly ]

  • ...get jerk chicken." [ Laughter ]

  • "They serve real jerk chicken there!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -I love it. Ole.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -I saw that a company in the UK is testing a new way

  • to speed up paramedics' response time.

  • This is cool, watch this.

  • -You could be looking at the future

  • of emergency aid in this simulation from the UK.

  • The paramedic with the medical kit