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  • ♪♪♪ >>> GOOD EVENING.

  • I'M KRISTEN WELKER, AND IT IS THE HONOR OF A LIFETIME TO

  • MODERATE THE SECOND AND, PRAISE JESUS, FINAL PRESIDENTIAL

  • DEBATE. TONIGHT WE HAVE A MUTE BUTTON

  • BECAUSE IT WAS EITHER THAT OR TRANQUILIZER DARTS, AND THE

  • PRESIDENT HAS A VERY HIGH TOLERANCE FOR THOSE AFTER HIS

  • COVID TREATMENT. SO, PLEASE WELCOME PRESIDENT

  • DONALD TRUMP AND FORMER VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN.

  • ♪♪♪

  • GOOD EVENING GENTLEMAN, AND WELCOME TO THE DEBATE.

  • ARE WE READY TO BEGIN? >> YES, BUT FIRST, HOW DOES THIS

  • MUTE BUTTON WORK? DO I JUST HAUL OFF AND SLAP HIM

  • IN THE MOUTH? >> NO, MR. VICE PRESIDENT, WE'LL

  • TAKE CARE OF THAT ON OUR OWN. >> ARE YOU SURE?

  • BECAUSE I THINK EVERYBODY WOULD LOVE TO SEE ME DO IT.

  • >> OKAY, REALLY? THINK YOU'RE SOME TOUGH GUY

  • BECAUSE OF ALL THAT MONEY FROM CHINA?

  • >> AH AH AH. I'LL PUSH IT.

  • IT'S NOT CONNECTED TO ANYTHING, BUT I'LL PUSH IT.

  • OUR FIRST QUESTION ON THE CORONAVIRUS IS FOR PRESIDENT

  • TRUMP. MORE THAN 40,000 AMERICANS ARE

  • IN THE HOSPITAL TONIGHT WITH COVID.

  • HOW WOULD YOU LEAD THE COUNTRY DURING THE NEXT STAGE OF THIS

  • CRISIS? >> WHAT A NICE QUESTION.

  • THANK YOU, HODA. CAN I JUST SAY, YOU'RE REALLY

  • DOING A GREAT JOB. >> IT'S CREEPIER WHEN YOU'RE

  • NICE, BUT THANK YOU. >> NO REALLY, YOU'RE TAKING VERY

  • GOOD CARE OF US TONIGHT. NOW COULD YOU JUST TELL US THE

  • SPECIALS, PLEASE. >> MR. TRUMP, I'M THE MODERATOR.

  • I'M NOT YOUR WAITRESS. >> OKAY.

  • JUST SOME WATERS, PLEASE. CORONAVIRUS, SO BORING, RIGHT?

  • BUT WE'RE DOING TERRIFIC. WE'RE ROUNDING THE CORNER.

  • IN FACT WE'VE ROUNDED SO MANY CORNERS WE'VE GONE ALL THE WAY

  • AROUND THE BLOCK AND WE'RE BACK WHERE WE START IN MARCH.

  • >> COME ON, MAN, WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A THIRD WAVE.

  • WHERE I COME FROM IF A GIRL GAVE YOU A THIRD WAVE, YOU WERE

  • PRACTICALLY MARRIED. HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TIME

  • IT IS. IT'S HALF PAST COME ON, MAN.

  • >> NO, IT'S NOT A WAVE. IT'S NOT A WAVE.

  • A WAVE GOES LIKE THIS. AND THIS IS GOING LIKE THIS.

  • SURE, THERE'S BEEN A TINY CORONAVIRUS SPIKE IN FLORIDA AND

  • A TEENSY SPIKE IN ARIZONA. AND A TUNESY WUNSEY ONE IN NORTH

  • DAKOTA. A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THIS,

  • BUT WE HAVE ANOTHER DAKOTA SOMEWHERE.

  • >> JUST BREATHE, JOE. IF YOU DON'T BREATHE, YOU'LL

  • DIE. >>IN JUST A COUPLE OF WEEKS, IF

  • YOU VOTE FOR ME, THE VACCINE WILL BE HERE AND WILL BE

  • DISTRIBUTED BY THE MILITARY. >> I'M SORRY.

  • YOU SAID THE MILITARY WILL DISTRIBUTE THE VACCINE?

  • >> THAT'S RIGHT, THE ARMY WILL COME AND SHOOT IT WITH A CANNON

  • INTO YOUR FACE. LOOK, I HAD IT.

  • IT WAS VERY MEAN TO ME, BUT I BEAT IT AND NOW DOCTORS SAY I

  • CAN NEVER DIE. AND THE VIRUS SAID TO ME, SIR,

  • I HAVE TO LEAVE YOUR BODY NOW. AND THE VIRUS WAS CRYING.

  • VERY SAD. DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE MY BODY.

  • THE POINT IS, WE'RE ALL LEARNING TO DEAL WITH IT.

  • >> LEARNING TO LIVE WITH IT? WE'RE LEARNING TO DIE WITH IT,

  • MAN! ♪♪♪

  • >> LOOKS LIKE MR. BIDEN IS SO MAD HE'S EASTWOODING IT A LITTLE

  • BIT. >> THAT'S RIGHT.

  • NOW I BELIEVE THE LITTLE LADY ASKED YOU ABOUT A PLAN.

  • WHY DON'T YOU ENLIGHTEN US, PUNK?

  • >> I HAVE A PLAN. IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PLAN

  • YOU'VE EVER SEEN. >> YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A PLAN

  • FOR ME. FIRST I'M CREEPY.

  • THEN I'M SLEEPY. YOU SAY I HAVE DEMENTIA.

  • THEN YOU SAY I'M A CRIMINAL MASTER MIND.

  • WHICH ONE IS IT KIMO SABE. >> I CAN'T SHOW YOU BECAUSE IT'S

  • BEING AUDITED ALONG WITH MY TAXES,

  • WHICH I PREPAID JUST LIKE A DRUG DEALER'S PHONE.

  • I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY, EVEN THOUGH IT CAME FROM CHINA

  • ON A PLANE PILOTED BY NANCY PELOSI FULL OF MEXICANS.

  • SHOT DOWN ON HER WAY TO PEDO ISLAND.

  • >> COME ON, AMERICA. I HATE THE CURSE IN FRONT OF A

  • WOMAN, BUT THAT'S A BUNCH OF MALARKY.

  • >> THAT'S OUR FIRST MALARKY. IF YOU'RE PLAYING BIDEN BINGO AT

  • HOME, TAKE A SHOT. MR. PRESIDENT.

  • >> THANK YOU, PADMA. LOOK, PEOPLE LOVE HOW I'VE

  • HANDLED THE WU TANG VIRUS. IF HE WAS IN CHARGE WE'D ALL BE

  • IN OUR BASEMENTS AND THAT'S WHERE THE HAUNTED ANNABELLE DOLL

  • LIVES. A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE SAYING

  • THAT'S A VERY SCARY DOLL. SHE'S SO SCARY.

  • SOME ARE SAYING THAT'S THE MOST SCARY DOLL.

  • AND THAT'S NOT COWARDLY. THAT'S JUST SMART, OKAY?

  • WE CAN'T SPEND ALL DAY IN THE BASEMENT.

  • WE'RE NOT ALL RICH LIKE JOE, WITH ALL THE MONEY YOU GOT FROM

  • CHINA. >> LOOK AT ME.

  • DO I LOOK REMOTELY RICH? IF I HAVE MONEY, WHERE AM I

  • SPENDING IT? I LIVE IN DELAWARE.

  • A NIGHT OUT IS $28. COME ON!

  • I BOUGHT THIS SUIT ON A TRAIN. COME ON!

  • IF I HAD $3 MILLION EXTRA WOULD I BE TAKING THE TRAIN TO WORK?

  • NO! I'D BE PULLING UP TO THE CAPITAL

  • DOME WITH A CANDY RED TRANS-AM AND KENNY LOGGINS PLAYING IN THE

  • BACK. NOT A RECORDING, THE REAL

  • KENNY LOGGINS. CAN I GET A COME ON?

  • >> COME ON! THAT IS FUN.

  • NOW, PRESIDENT TRUMP YOU SAID A VACCINE WOULD BE COMING WITHIN

  • WEEKS. IS THAT TRUE?

  • >> ANYTHING CAN BE WEEKS, OKAY? A MONTH IS FIVE WEEKS.

  • BUT A YEAR IS 36 OR SOMETHING. BUT I GUARANTEE THE VACCINE IS

  • COMING SOMEWHERE BETWEEN TWO AND 700 WEEKS.

  • OKAY? UNTIL THEN, WE HAVE TO WEAR THE

  • STUPID MASKS AND THE LITTLE GOGGLES.

  • AND WE'RE MAKING SO MANY VENTILATORS.

  • I DON'T WANT TO GET EVERYBODY EXCITED, BUT IF I GET ELECTED I

  • PROMISE EVERYONE IN AMERICA WILL BE ON A BIG BEAUTIFUL

  • VENTILATOR. >> GREAT.

  • THAT SEGUES TO HEALTHCARE IN A SCARY WAY.

  • VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN, WHAT IS YOUR PLAN IF OBAMACARE IS STRUCK

  • DOWN? >> I HAVE A PLAN.

  • IT'S CALLED BIDEN CARE. IT'S LIKE OBAMACARE BUT BIDEN.

  • IT MAY NOT TALK AS SMOOTH, IT MAY NEED A LITTLE BIT MORE

  • SUNSCREEN THAN THE PREVIOUS MELANIN RICH PLAN, BUT DAMN IT,

  • IT'S GOT HEART AND IT WORKS! >> MY PLAN IS PERFECT.

  • IT'S A BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL PLAN.

  • >> SHOW US THE PLAN. >> THIS PLAN IS AN L.A. 10.

  • LARGE NATURALS, HIGH BOOTY, BAD ATTITUDE, BUT SHE CUTE.

  • >> NOT A PLAN. NOT A PLAN.

  • THAT'S A PLANLESS MAN. >> EXCUSE ME, I'D LOVE TO SHOW

  • YOU THE PLAN, BUT I CAN'T, BECAUSE IT'S UNDER AUDIT LIKE MY

  • TAXES. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME YOU CAN

  • TALK TO MY LAWYER, RUDY GIULIANI.

  • >> WHAT, HUH? NO, NO, IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS

  • LIKE. MY MICROPHONE WAS STUCK.

  • ON MY BALLS. IS THIS ANOTHER BORAT?

  • YOU GOT TELL ME IF IT'S A BORAT. >> YOU'RE IN TROUBLE NOW, BIDEN,

  • BECAUSE RUDY'S GOT A LOT OF SANE AND COHERENT INFORMATION THAT

  • LOOKS REALLY BAD FOR YOU JOE. >> TELL HIM, RUDY.

  • >> GET READY FOR THIS TRUTH BOMB.

  • YOUR SON HUNTER GOT $3 MILLION FROM MOSCOW, AND HIS FRIEND

  • TONY -- HAS EMAILS ON THE WET LAPTOP FROM HELL AND

  • OUR EYEWITNESS SAW EVERYTHING, AND ALSO, HE'S BLIND, SO --

  • >> SEE? EVEN HIS NASTY SON IS CORRUPT.

  • >> DON'T DO IT, JOE. DON'T RETALIATE, EVEN THOUGH HIS

  • KIDS ARE A BUNCH OF CHARITY-SCAMMERS.

  • >> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, WOULD YOU LIKE TO RESPOND?

  • >> NO. >> VERY WELL.

  • I'D LIKE TO MOVE ON TO RACE. >> THANK YOU, MINDY, I LOVE YOUR

  • PROJECT. >> I'M THE LEAST RACIST PERSON

  • IN THIS ROOM. I'VE DONE MORE FOR ANYBODY

  • EXCEPT LINCOLN. BLACK PEOPLE LOVE HIS CARS.

  • I SEE THEM DRIVING THEM ALL THE TIME.

  • SOMETIMES THERE'S WHITE PEOPLE IN THE BACK, BUT NOT ALWAYS.

  • THANK YOU. >> YOU THINK YOU'RE LINCOLN?

  • BECAUSE HIS NICKNAME HAS THE WORD HONEST IN IT.

  • >> AND MUTE. THAT IS ABOUT AS WELL AS THE

  • RACE SECTION COULD HAVE GONE. I SAVED 60 SECONDS FOR THE

  • CLIMATE. MR. VICE PRESIDENT?

  • >> SINCE WE'RE HERE AND ALMOST OUT OF TIME, OIL NO, WIND YES,

  • FRACKING, DEPENDS WHAT STATE I'M IN.

  • >> THIS GUY AND HIS WIND. HE LOVES WIND.

  • LOOK, I KNOW MORE ABOUT WIND THAN ANYONE.

  • WIND KILLS ALL THE BIRDS. CHOPS THEM RIGHT UP.

  • LIKE A MAGIC BULLET. IT TURNS THEM INTO BIRD

  • SOMETIMES IT GETS REAL FAST INTO A TWISTER AND THROWS A COW RIGHT

  • ON TOP OF HELEN HUNT. >> WOW, OKAY.

  • THANK YOU MR. PRESIDENT FOR SHARING YOUR POEM ABOUT WIND.

  • AT THIS POINT WE'VE COME TO OUR FINAL QUESTION, AND IT'S FOR

  • BOTH OF YOU. I WANT TO YOU IMAGINE YOUR

  • INAUGURATION DAY. WHAT WILL YOU SAY TO AMERICANS

  • WHO DIDN'T VOTE FOR YOU? >> WELL, IF THEY DIDN'T VOTE FOR

  • ME I GUESS I'D SAY HOLA. FOR THE REST I WOULD SAY, JUST

  • REMEMBER HOW GOOD THINGS USED TO BE BACK BEFORE THE CHINA PLAGUE.

  • WE HAD THE LOWEST UNEMPLOYMENT NUMBERS IN ALL CATEGORIES.

  • BLACKS, ASIANS, LATINXS, BRUNETTES, MILFS, LGBTQ ANON.

  • IN CONCLUSION, NEW YORK IS A GHOST TOWN.

  • KIDS LOVE CAGES AND JOE BIDEN IS FROM KENYA, THANK YOU.

  • >> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, YOUR TURN.

  • >> LOOK, EVERYBODY. YOU KNOW WHO HE IS AND YOU KNOW

  • WHO I AM. I'M GOOD OLD JOE.

  • I'M RELIABLE AS A ROCK. I'VE GOT A FIVE-STAR SAFETY

  • RATING AND I'M RANKED BEST MIDSIZE IN MY CLASS BY J.D.

  • POWER AND ASSOCIATES. I DON'T HAVE A GOLDEN TOILET

  • SEAT. I HAVE A SOFT, SPONGY ONE

  • THAT HISSES WHENEVER I PARK MY KEISTER.

  • I TAKE TRAINS AND I DON'T SEE ANY TRAINS IN SIGHT.

  • THAT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IS MALARKY.

  • >> WITH THAT MALARKY, THAT'S BINGO AND I AM DRUNK.

  • GOOD LUCK, AMERICA. AND WITH THAT, LIVE FROM NEW

  • YORK. >> IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

♪♪♪ >>> GOOD EVENING.

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B1 INT UK plan president biden vice president vice joe

Final Debate Cold Open - SNL

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    程富強   posted on 2020/10/26
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