Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

  • WELCOME, ONE AND ALL.

  • TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • WE'RE ARE EXACTLY TWO WEEKS AWAY FROM THE ELECTION.

  • SO, IF YOU HAVEN'T DECIDED WHO YOU'RE VOTING FOR YET, GOOD LUCK

  • ESCAPING THAT ABANDONED MINESHAFT.

  • OR STAY DOWN THERE 'TIL WE HAVE A VACCINE!

  • IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN.

  • WE REALLY NEED A VACCINE.

  • IT'S A LONG STORY.

  • AS THE ELECTION DAY BARELIES DOWN ON US LIKE AN

  • OUT-OF-CONTROL MANURE SPREADING, ONE OF THE LAST CHANCES TO

  • INFLUENCE THE RACE IS THURSDAY'S PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE.

  • WE AT "THE LATE SHOW" WILL BE LIVE, WITH IN-DEPTH POLITICAL

  • ANALYSIS AND EXTENSIVE COVERAGE OF WHATEVER FLYING CREATURE

  • HAPPENS TO STEAL THE SHOW.

  • MY MONEY IS ON A FRUIT BAT LANDING ON KRISTEN WELKER.

  • NOW, AT THE LAST DEBATE, TRUMP INTERRUPTED BIDEN AND CHRIS

  • WALLACE-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- 128 TIMES.

  • SO, THE DEBATE COMMISSION HAS ANNOUNCED THERE WILL BE A MUTE

  • BUTTON AT THE NEXT PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE.

  • THAT'S GOOD!

  • WHILE WE'RE AT IT, HOW ABOUT A FAST FORWARD BUTTON?

  • JUST ZIP STRAIGHT TO NOVEMBER 3.

  • NOW, THIS MUTE BUTTON WON'T BE OPERATIONAL FOR THE ENTIRE

  • DEBATE.

  • EACH CANDIDATE WILL BE GIVEN TWO MINUTES TO ANSWER AN INITIAL

  • QUESTION.

  • DURING THAT PORTION, THE OPPOSING CANDIDATE'S MICROPHONE

  • WILL BE MUTED.

  • ON OF COURSE, TRUMP COULD JUST

  • INTERRUPT BIDEN BY WALKING OVER TO HIS PODIUM, WHICH IS WHY THE

  • DEBATE COMMISSION IS ALSO PUTTING HIM ON A CHILD LEASH.

  • "DONALD, NOT YOUR TURN.

  • GO BACK TO YOUR PODIUM.

  • DO NOT-- DO NOT EAT THAT, YOUNG MAN!"

  • THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IS NOT HAPPY.

  • CAMPAIGN MANAGER BILL STEPIEN TOLD REPORTERS, "PRESIDENT TRUMP

  • IS COMMITTED TO DEBATING JOE BIDEN, REGARDLESS OF LAST-MINUTE

  • RULE CHANGES FROM THE BIASED COMMISSION IN THEIR LATEST

  • ATTEMPT TO PROVIDE ADVANTAGE TO THEIR FAVORED CANDIDATE."

  • ENFORCING THE RULES ISN'T GIVING SOMEONE AN ADVANTAGE.

  • THAT'S LIKE SAYING "THE OLYMPIC JUDGES ARE PLAYING FAVORITES

  • BECAUSE THEY WON'T LET ME THROW BRICKS AT MICHAEL PHELPS!"

  • THEY MAY NOT BE HAPPY BUT, ULTIMATELY, THE MUTE BUTTON MAY

  • PLAY INTO TRUMP'S NEW STRATEGY, BECAUSE, REPORTEDLY, HIS DEBATE

  • COACHES NOW WANT HIM TO STOP INTERRUPTING JOE BIDEN AND TO

  • TRY TO BE MORE LIKABLE.

  • HOLD ON.

  • NOW THEY'RE TRYING TO MAKE TRUMP MORE LIKABLE?

  • HE'S BEEN THE PRESIDENT FOR ALMOS FOUR YEARS!

  • THAT'S LIKE A FIREFIGHTER SHOWING UP TO YOUR

  • HOUSE, WAITING UNTIL EVERYTHING HAS BURNED TO THE FOUNDATION,

  • AND SAYING, "OKAY, LET'S TRY SOME WATER NOW!"

  • THE PRESIDENT'S DEBATE TEAM HAS ALSO INDICATED THAT TRUMP WILL

  • TELL MORE JOKES AND STRIKE A SOFTER TONE.

  • BUT THEY ALSO EXPECT TRUMP TO KEEP GOING AFTER BIDEN'S SON

  • HUNTER.

  • SO, SOFTER, FUNNY, BUT STILL ATTACK.

  • ( AS TRUMP, WHISPERING ) "WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE

  • ROAD?

  • TO BUY CRACK FOR HUNTER BIDEN."

  • TOO HIP FOR THE ROOM?" THE CAMPAIGN ALSO WANTS TO GIVE

  • BIDEN PLENTY OF SPACE TO MAKE A GAFFE, AS THE PRESIDENT

  • EXPLAINED THIS MORNING TO THE "FOX & FRIENDS."

  • >> THERE WERE A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT SAY LET HIM TALK, BECAUSE

  • HE LOSES HIS TRAIN-- LOSES HIS TRAIN-- HE LOSES HIS MIND,

  • FRANKLY.

  • >> Stephen: FORGET ABOUT BIDEN.

  • TRUMP JUST LOST HIS TRAIN OF THOUGHT BETWEEN "TRAIN" AND "OF

  • THOUGHT."

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "I'M GOING TO LET BIDEN TALK

  • UNTIL HE LOSES HIS TRAIN...

  • LOSES HIS TRAIN... I AM A TRAIN.

  • RIDING THAT TRAIN HIGH ON COCAINE

  • SPEAKING OF WHICH, DON JUNIOR.

  • DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE 'THE BEST IS YET TO COME' POWDER?

  • THE INSIDE OF MY SKULL IS STILL STICKY.

  • TRUMP COMPLAINED THAT THE MEDIA IS SOFT ON JOE BIDEN.

  • >> LOOK AT YESTERDAY.

  • HE WALKS OUT OF A STORE, AND THE MEDIA'S STANDING THERE, AND THEY

  • ASKED HIM "WHAT FLAVOR ICE CREAM DID YOU GET?"

  • I MEAN, THINK OF THIS.

  • >> I KNOW.

  • >> THEY NEVER ASK ME A QUESTION LIKE THAT.

  • I WANT THEM TO SOMEDAY, BUT THEY NEVER ASK ME A QUESTION LIKE

  • THAT.

  • "WHAT FLAVOR ICE CREAM DID YOU GET?"

  • >> Stephen: YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?

  • I'M GOING TO GUESS BEN & JERRY'S DEX-A-METHACONE DREAM.

  • BUT THEN, THEN, LATER IN THE INTERVIEW, TRUMP

  • GOT THE QUESTION HE ASKED FOR: >> DO YOU WANT TO TELL US WHAT

  • YOUR FAVORITE MILKSHAKE FLAVOR IS?

  • >> YEAH, I WOULD, IN ABOUT A YEAR OR TWO WHEN EVERYTHING IS

  • SO PERFECT, I'M GOING TO LET YOU ANSWER THAT, OR ASK ME THAT

  • QUESTION.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S THE SOFTBALL YOU ASKED FOR!

  • JUST SAY YOUR FAVORITE MILKSHAKE!

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "I'M NOT A WHITE SUPREMACIST,

  • BUT I AM TELLING VANILLA TO STAND BACK AND STAND BY."

  • TRUMP HELD A RALLY IN TUCSON YESTERDAY, AND BEFORE HE WENT

  • -- DO WE NEED TO REDO THAT OR CA I JUST KEEP GOING?

  • JUST KEEP GOING OKAY.

  • BEFORE HE WENT ON, HE TOLD REPORTERS -- SO WE'RE NOT GOING

  • TO EDIT THAT?

  • WE'RE NOT GOING TO LATER SEE YOU EDIT IT SO I SAID IS PERFECTLY.

  • WE'RE GOING TO STICK WITH THIS.

  • TRANSPARENCY.

  • THAT'S RIGHT.

  • THAT'S "THE LATE SHOW"" PROMISE.

  • YES I'LL ( BLEEP ) UP, BUT YOU'LL KNOW.

  • OKAY.

  • STARS, THEY DON'T DO THEIR JOB VERY WELL.

  • HE TOLD REPORTERS THAT HE'S NOT DESPERATE BECAUSE HE'S BEHIND IN

  • THE POLLS.

  • >> I'M NOT RUNNING SCARED.

  • I'M RUNNING ANGRY, BECA- I THINK I'M RUNNING ANGRY.

  • I'M RUNNING HAPPY, AND I'M RUNNING VERY CONTENT.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "I'M NOT SCARED.

  • I'M ANGRY!

  • ANGRY AT HOW HAPPY AND CONTENT I AM!

  • WHICH OF COURSE THEN MAKES ME HUNGRY, WHICH MAKES ME SLEEPY.

  • I'M ALSO VERY DOC AND VERY DOPEY."

  • ONCE HE WAS ON STAGE, TRUMP ASSURED THE CROWD THAT THE

  • PANDEMIC IS TOTALLY UNDER CONTROL.

  • >> WE ARE ROUNDING THE TURN.

  • WE HAVE THE VACCINES COMING AND ALL, BUT EVEN WITHOUT, WE'RE

  • ROUNDING THE TURN.

  • >> Stephen: REALLY, ROUNDING?

  • HAVE YOU SEEN THE COVID SPIKES?

  • HOSPITALIZATIONS ARE ON THE RISE IN 41 STATES.

  • WE'RE NOT ROUNDING THE TURN.

  • I'M PRETTY SURE WE'RE SHARPENING THE TURN.

  • WHAT WE'RE LOOKING AT HERE IS A RAZOR-SHARP TURN.

  • BUT TRUMP SAID WE SHOULD STOP EVEN TRYING TO KEEP PEOPLE FROM

  • GETTING SICK NOW, BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE GETTING SICK OF TRYING TO DO

  • THAT.

  • >> PEOPLE ARE PANDEMICED OUT.

  • YOU KNOW THAT?

  • THEY'RE PANDEMICED OUT.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S QUITE A RALLYING CRY WHEN WE'RE FACING

  • AN EXISTENTIAL THREAT.

  • "WE'RE TIRED OF IT!" REMINDS ME OF CHURCHILL:

  • >> WE SHALL FIGHT THEM ON THE BEACHES, WE SHALL FIGHT THEM ON

  • THE LANDING GROUNDS...

  • HOO, BOY, IS ANYONE ELSE A LITTLE NAZI'D OUT?

  • WHAT IF WE JUST LET THE GERMANS WASH OVER US?

  • >> Stephen: STILL, TRUMP KNOWS THAT THE ECONOMY HAS TAKEN A

  • HIT, SO HE TACKED A FEW WORDS ONTO HIS FAMOUS CAMPAIGN SLOGAN.

  • >> UNDER MY ADMINISTRATION, WE BUILT THE GREATEST ECONOMY IN

  • THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD, AND NOW WE'RE DOING IT AGAIN.

  • YOU KNOW, IT'S MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, RIGHT?

  • I SAY MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, AGAIN-- AGAIN, AGAIN.

  • >> Stephen: YOU KNOW EVERY "AGAIN" YOU ADD IS REALLY JUST

  • ADMITTING YOU SCREWED SOMETHING UP SO BAD YOU HAD TO FIX IT.

  • IT'S NOT THAT COMFORTING.

  • IT'S WHY ARBY'S DISCONTINUED THEIR SLOGAN:

  • >> ARBY'S, WE HAVE THE MEETS, AGAIN.

  • >> Stephen: FOR A WHILE IT WASN'T MEAT, EVIDENTLY.

  • BUT THESE RALLY CROWDS LOVE TRUMP.

  • AND HE HAD AN INTERESTING REACTION TO THAT LOVE.

  • >> Crowd: WE LOVE YOU!

  • >> THANK YOU.

  • YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME CRY!

  • DON'T DO THAT.

  • I DON'T WANNA CRY.

  • I DON'T WANNA CRY.

  • ( CHEERING ) MAKE ME CRY, YOU'LL DESTROY MY

  • IMAGE, AND THEN YOU WON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE.

  • THAT WOULD BE TERRIBLE.

  • >> Stephen: OKAY, I'M NOT SAYING I BELIEVE EVERYTHING FREUD SAID

  • ABOUT THE IMPACT OF AN UNLOVING FATHER, BUT WHEN SOMEONE SAYS

  • "IF I CRY, THEN YOU WON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE," IT SEEMS PRETTY

  • STRAIGHTFORWARD.

  • ( AS TRUMP, STIFLING CRY ) "SEE, PAPA?

  • NO TEARS!

  • I'M NOT SAD.

  • I'M TOTALLY HAPPY AND CONTENT.

  • AND ANGRY!" THEN TRUMP TOOK AIM AT HIS

  • NEMESIS: THE EARTH.

  • >> THE GREEN NEW DEAL IS THE CRAZIEST THING, RIGHT?

  • NO MORE AIRPLANES.

  • NO MORE DOUBLE CARS.

  • >> Stephen: NO MORE DOUBLE CARS!

  • EVERYBODY LOVES DOUBLE CARS!

  • EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT A DOUBLE CAR IS.

  • YOU GET A POPPY-SEED BUN, CAR, CHEESE, MAYBE CHICKEN CUTLET,

  • CAR, BUN.

  • OR IS IT ONE CAR BETWEEN TWO CHUCKEN PATTIES -- I DON'T KNOW.

  • TRUMP SAID HE FELT GREAT AFTER GETTING TREATED FOR THE COVID,

  • AND HE PLAYED WHAT'S FAST BECOMING ONE OF HIS LATEST HITS.

  • >> I WOKE UP, AND I FELT GOOD.

  • I SAID, "GET ME OUT OF HERE."

  • BOOM, SUPERMAN.

  • >> Crowd: SUPERMAN, SUPERMAN, SUPERMAN.

  • >> Stephen: TRUMP ISN'T SUPERMAN.

  • FOR PETE'S SAKE, SUPERMAN SPENDS HALF OF HIS TIME AT LEAST

  • PRETENDING TO CARE ABOUT JOURNALISM.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> "THE DAILY SLAM-IT!"

  • >> Stephen: TRUMP POINTED OUT HOW MUCH SUN HE'S GETTING AT

  • THESE RALLIES.

  • >> YOU'RE GONNA SEE ME TOMORROW, I'M GONNA LOOK LIKE A LOBSTER.

  • YOU'RE GONNA SAY, "LOOK WHAT WE DID TO HIM."

  • THEY SAID, "WOULD YOU LIKE TO WEAR A HAT?"

  • I SAID "THERE'S NO WAY I'M WEARING A HAT."

  • I GOTTA SHOW THESE-- WE GOTTA SHOW STRENGTH, RIGHT?

  • >> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, "GONNA" LOOK LIKE A LOBSTER?

  • YOU ALREADY LOOK LIKE YOU'VE SLATHERED YOURSELF WITH DRAWN

  • BUTTER.

  • AND HATS ARE A SIGN OF WEAKNESS?

  • HATS ARE KIND OF YOUR THING!

  • YOUR CAMPAIGN HAS ALWAYS BEEN ABOUT HATS...

  • AND, HATS.

  • IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT HATS.

  • TRUMP IS HOLDING SO MANY RALLIES BECAUSE HE'S RUNNING OUT OF CASH

  • TO ADVERTISE.

  • MEANWHILE, BIDEN'S CAMPAIGN IS FLUSHED WITH MONEY, AND HE'S

  • TARGETING SENIORS BY ADVERTISING HEAVILY ON SHOWS SUCH AS

  • "JEOPARDY!" AND "WHEEL OF FORTUNE."

  • IN FACT, LAST WEEK, BIDEN EVEN SPONSORED ONE OF THE PUZZLES.

  • TRUMP MAY BE TRAILING BIDEN IN FUNDRAISING, BUT HE TOLD THE

  • CROWD HE COULD GET ALL THE MONEY HE NEEDS, IF HE REALLY WANTED

  • TO.

  • >> I WOULD BE THE GREATEST FUNDRAISER IN HISTORY.

  • DON'T FORGET, I'M NOT BAD AT THAT STUFF, ANYWAY, AND I'M

  • PRESIDENT.

  • ( CHEERING ) SO I CALL SOME GUY, THE HEAD OF

  • EXXON.

  • I CALL THE HEAD OF EXXON, I DON'T KNOW, "HI, HOW ARE YOU

  • DOING?

  • HOW IS ENERGY COMING?

  • WHEN ARE YOU DOING THE EXPLORATION?

  • OH, YOU NEED A COUPLE OF PERMITS, HUH?

  • OKAY."

  • BUT I CALLED THE HEAD OF EXXON.

  • I SAID "YOU KNOW, I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO SEND ME $25 MILLION

  • FOR THE CAMPAIGN."

  • "ABSOLUTELY, SIR.

  • WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK?

  • WOULD YOU LIKE SOME MORE?" I WOULD RAISE A BILLION DOLLAR

  • IN ONE DAY IF I WANTED TO.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT TRUMP WAS BRAGGING THAT IT WOULD

  • BE SO EASY FOR HIM TO EXTORT ILLEGAL CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS

  • FROM AN OIL COMPANY, BUT HE ALSO FISHER-PRICE PHONE.

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "HELLO, NASA?

  • HOW IS SPACE?

  • STILL REAL BIG?

  • MOON SEEMS TO BE GETTING FAT THIS MONTH.

  • ANYWAY, I NEED A BILLION DOLLARS SO I CAN BE PRESIDENT.