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  • ♪♪

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,

  • EVERYBODY.

  • SAY HI TO JON.

  • YOU SOUNDED GOOD.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ GOOD TO SEE YOU.

  • >> Jon: YES, INDEED.

  • >> Stephen: WE TALKED ABOUT VOTING LAST NIGHT.

  • WE TALKED ABOUT VOTING LAST NIGHT.

  • >> Jon: YES.

  • >> Stephen: BUT NEVER A BAD TIME TALKING ABOUT VOTING.

  • HAVE YOU DECIDED WHEN AND WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO VOTE?

  • >> Jon: I'M VOTING THIS SATURDAY.

  • I'M GETTING OUT THERE, MAN, EARLY IN NEW YORK CITY.

  • AND I LOVE WHAT YOU'RE DOING WITH "BETTER KNOW A BALLOT."

  • WE HAVE TO GET THAT OUT THERE, MAN.

  • >> Stephen: LAST NIGHT WE WERE TALKING.

  • I DIDN'T KNOW YOU CAN TRACK A BALLOT.

  • I FOUND OUT FROM THE CRACK TEAM AT "BETTER KNOW A BALLOT."

  • YOU CAN GO TO "BETTER KNOW A BALLOT" AND YOU CAN FIND OUT IF

  • AND WHEN EARLY VOTING STARTS IN YOUR STATE, FIND OUT WHERE YOU

  • CAN VOTE IN YOUR TOWN OR YOUR COUNTY.

  • YOU CAN FIND OFFICIAL DROP BOXES NEAR YOU.

  • YOU CAN TRACK YOUR BALLOT.

  • ALL THAT AT "BETTERKNOWA BALLOT.COM AND YOU CAN FIND OUT

  • WHERE TO VOTE ON ELECTION DAY IF YOU DON'T WANT TO VOTE EARLY OR

  • BY MAIL.

  • WHICH I GET.

  • THERE'S SOMETHING EXCITING ABOUT GOING ON THE DAY OF.

  • >> Jon: GOING ON THE DATE OF IS SUCH A RITUAL, WE GO THERE

  • AND STAND AND STAY AND PACK LUNCHES AND WE BRING OUR

  • HEADPHONES AND WE JUST STAY.

  • WE DO IT.

  • >> Stephen: THE VOTING HAS JUST BLOWN THE DOORS OFF ALL THE

  • RECORDS RIGHT NOW.

  • >> Jon: MAN, YEAH.

  • I SEEN THOSE EARLY NUMBERS.

  • AND THE BLUE IS ROLLING IN.

  • COME ON NOW, COME ON.

  • >> Stephen: EVERYBODY COME ON.

  • YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO BE PART OF IT.

  • YOU WANT TO BE ABLE TO TELL YOUR GRANDCHILDREN YOU DID THE RIGHT

  • THING.

  • >> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.

  • HISTORY HAS ITS EYE ON YOU.

  • >> Stephen: JON, DID YOU-- HOW ABOUT-- DOES HISTORY HAVE ITS

  • FINGERS ON THE PIANO KEYBOARD RIGHT NOW?

  • WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?

  • >> Jon: OH, YEAH, A WHOLE LOT OF HISTORY, AND FUTURES WITH IT,

  • TOO.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,

  • EVERYBODY.

  • THANK YOU, JON.

  • >> Jon: AAAHHH!

  • >> Stephen: FOLKS, EVERY NIGHT I TAKE THE HIGHEST QUALITY BOLT OF

  • STORY CLOTH OF THE DAY, THE SILKIEST NEWS THREADS, AND

  • METICULOUSLY HAND-STITCH THEM INTO THE FINE ITALIAN DESIGNER

  • JACKET THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

  • BUT NOW AND THEN, I LIKE TO GATHER UP THE DISCARDED NEWS

  • RAGS OFF THE FLOOR OF MY COMEDY CABIN, YANK SOME RATTY TWINE OUT

  • OF AN OLD FEED BAG, AND LOVINGLY SEW THEM TOGETHER INTO THE

  • THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, I'M A HUGE PROPONENT OF FACE MASKS.

  • THEY'RE SIMPLE, THEY'RE PRACTICAL, AND THEY SAVE LIVES.

  • BUT, DAMMIT, WHY CAN'T THEY BE DELICIOUS?

  • WELL, NOW THEY ARE, BECAUSE "HORMEL FOODS HAS ANNOUNCED A

  • BACON-SCENTED FACE MASK THEY CALL 'BREATHABLE BACON.'"

  • OKAY, SOUNDS NICE, NOT A BREAKTHROUGH.

  • AMERICANS ALWAYS INHALE BACON.

  • I HAVE HUFFED A PORK BELLY.

  • THE NUMBER-THREE CAUSE OF DEATH IN AMERICA IS HAM LUNG.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, AS PART OF THE EFFORT TO BUILD A LUNAR BASE BY

  • 2028, "NASA AND NOKIA ARE PUTTING A 4G NETWORK ON THE

  • MOON."

  • I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

  • YOU KNOW, THE NEXT TIME SOME DUDE LANDS UP THERE, IT'LL SOUND

  • LIKE THIS: >> THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR

  • MAN...

  • ONE GIANT PENIS PIC FOR MANKIND!

  • YOU'RE WELCOME, LADIES!

  • >> Stephen: ACCORDING TO NASA, THE WIRELESS NETWORK WILL BE

  • USED FOR "STREAMING HIGH-DEFINITION VIDEO."

  • JUST WHAT YOU WANT ASTRONAUTS FOCUSED ON DURING A

  • HIGH-PRESSURE SPACE MISSION: NETFLIX.

  • "UH, HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

  • EMILY IS IN PARIS, BUT SHE DOESN'T SPEAK FRENCH.

  • HOW WILL SHE HELP SAVOIR'S SOCIAL MEDIA STRATEGY?

  • PLEASE ADVISE."

  • NASA IS DOING THIS AS PART OF ITS "ARTEMIS" PROGRAM, WHICH

  • AIMS TO "SUSTAIN A HUMAN PRESENCE ON THE MOON."

  • AND YOU STARTED WITH CELL SERVICE?

  • "LOOK, WE'RE GOING TO GET TO OXYGEN AND POTABLE WATER IN A

  • MINUTE, BUT I'M NOT GOING UP THERE UNLESS I CAN POST MY TANG

  • ON THE GRAMS!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, THIS TIKTOK

  • VIDEO IS GOING VIRAL THIS WEEK OF A WOMAN RUNNING A SUB-SIX-

  • MINUTE MILE WHILE NINE MONTHS PREGNANT!

  • HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!

  • I THINK MAYBE LITERALLY.

  • THE CLOSEST I'VE GOTTEN TO A SUB-SIX-MINUTE IS AFTER EATING A

  • SUB IN SIX MINUTES.

  • AFTER WHICH I LOOKED PREGNANT.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, AN AIRPLANE PASSENGER IN INDIA WAS "CAUGHT

  • SMUGGLING GOLD NUGGETS IN HIS RECTUM TO AVOID TAXES."

  • SMART.

  • PLUS, NOW HE CAN WRITE OFF HIS RECTUM AS A HOME OFFICE.

  • THE TROUBLE STARTED WHEN AIRLINE AUTHORITIES "SPOTTED A MAN

  • WALKING ODDLY, AND DISCOVERED HE HAD ABOUT TWO POUNDS IN BULLION

  • SHOVED INTO HIS RECTUM."

  • OH, THERE'S GOLD IN THEM THAR HILLS.

  • NOW, I'M SURE YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT THAT GOLD LOOKED LIKE, AND

  • I'M SURE IT'S PRETTY SMALL STUFF, MAYBE SOME LITTLE COINS

  • OR LITTLE BALLS OR-- OH, MY GOD!

  • EVEN MORE AMAZING: HE RAN A SUB-SIX-MINUTE MILE WITH THAT UP

  • THERE.

  • A 24-YEAR-OLD NURSERY FOR BABY SHARKS WAS FOUND IN SOUTH

  • CAROLINA.

  • I BELIEVE WE HAVE FOOT ANNUAL OF THE PALEONTOLOGISTS ANNOUNCING

  • THEIR DISCOVERY OF THE SHARK NURSERY

  • BABY SHARK DO, DO, DO, DO

  • IN CANADA, THEICA YAND TOWN OF ASBESTOS HAS CHOSEN A NEW NAME.

  • IT WAS ORIGINALLY NAMED AFTER THE LOCAL MINE 100 YEARS AGO

  • WHEN ASBESTOS WAS A CUTTING-EDGE MATERIAL TO BE PROUD OF.

  • SO NOW THEY'VE RENAMED IT TO SOMETHING THEY WILL NEVER

  • REGRET: "BITCOIN, QUEBEC."

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DOLLY PARTON.

♪♪

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B1 jon stephen ballot voting quarantine pregnant

Quarantinewhile... Woman Goes Viral After Running Sub-6 Minute Mile While 9 Months Pregnant

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/10/24
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