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  • -Well everyone's talking.

  • Tomorrow night is the vice-presidential debate

  • between Mike Pence and Kamala Harris,

  • and both candidates are getting ready.

  • And get this -- we managed to get our hands

  • on some footage of Vice President Pence

  • preparing for the debate.

  • Take a look at this.

  • -All righty. Let's get started.

  • The vice-presidential debate is tomorrow night,

  • and the entire world will be half-watching.

  • We're talking Kamala versus Pence,

  • David versus Goliath,

  • the cool girl in school

  • versus the heroic reverend from "Footloose."

  • So let's prep. Short for "prepare."

  • Short for "prepare thyselves.

  • A woman has entered the mess hall."

  • -You ready to go, sir? -I am.

  • This will be the most fun I've had

  • since Mother and I visited that grain silo.

  • -First question.

  • Between COVID in the White House and the climate crisis

  • taking its toll on the nation,

  • what's the biggest threat facing America today?

  • -Well, that's easy.

  • Rock-'n'-roll music is a Satan-level threat

  • conjured by the dark power of female magic.

  • That's why I'm doing everything in my power to bring

  • barnyard nursery rhymes back into the mainstream.

  • Next question.

  • -Mr. Vice President, did you take on any presidential duties

  • while Mr. Trump was recovering in Walter Reed?

  • -Why, yes.

  • I took on several more roles in the White House,

  • including milk tester and haunted portrait.

  • Next. -Mr. Vice President,

  • is the American dream alive and well?

  • -Well, of course, it is, and I'm proof of it.

  • My father was a gas-station attendant.

  • And his father, a slice of white bread

  • that made a wish upon a star.

  • The recent economic downturn?

  • Well, that's just God punishing us for "Animal Crossing."

  • It's not natural. Foxes shouldn't talk.

  • -What do you say to young people

  • who think Kamala Harris speaks for the disenfranchised?

  • -I say baloney.

  • The most disenfranchised people in this country

  • are folks like me -- old white men who believe

  • open-mouth kisses are a Chinese plot

  • to destroy the government.

  • Besides, I too have been connecting with Generation Z,

  • and I've even tried this new food all the kids

  • are obsessed with called creamed cheese.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Sir, President Trump attacked Joe Biden's family.

  • Would you do the same to your opponent tonight?

  • -Look, I prefer to keep things civil,

  • but I swear to Him...

  • if Kamala makes any snide remarks

  • about how Mother has to burp me when I eat salted chips,

  • the gloves are coming off.

  • -Sir, do you support the Senate healthcare bill

  • that would protect people with pre-existing conditions?

  • -I do. In fact, I have a lot of pre-existing conditions myself,

  • including a tap-water allergy, pajama rash,

  • and migraines I get whenever I see a dog

  • that's not fully clothed.

  • Next question. Matthew?

  • -Oh. Sir, just pretend I'm Susan Page.

  • -Who? -That's the moderator.

  • -Well, I'll probably just address her chaperone, but okay.

  • -Mr. Vice President, a lot of people are saying

  • that Kamala is just a more dynamic candidate

  • than you are.

  • What do you say to that?

  • -I say that's why I'm debuting my new catch phrase.

  • After I make a good point, I'm going to say,

  • "Now, that's a spicy soda pop."

  • -Jesus Christ. -Is he here?

  • -Sir, here's a question.

  • Will you step down from the vice presidency...

  • -Yes! -...if you lose the election?

  • -Sir, please come back.

-Well everyone's talking.

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Mike Pence Prepares for His Debate Against Sen. Kamala Harris

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/10/24
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