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  • -Hi, Chelsea. Welcome back to the show.

  • You look great, bud. Thanks so much

  • for coming on the show, and actually I want to thank you

  • for coming on the show back when we first started doing

  • the show from home, from the -- where we started the quarantine,

  • early in the quarantine. -Yeah, you weren't in a good way

  • when the quarantine started. I remember.

  • You were like -- I was like, "He better get back to work soon."

  • You were like, "How long am I going to have to stay home?"

  • -[ Laughs ] -I mean, seriously.

  • I remember getting off of our Zoom and I was like,

  • "Oh, he's not going to like this.

  • He's not liking quarantine at all."

  • -That was challenging, man. But I did -- now I look back

  • and I go, "Oh, yeah, I think it was fun, the home shows."

  • But I don't remember them really.

  • It just like -- just happened so fast.

  • It was just me -- it was Nancy and I.

  • There was no one -- could I say me and Nancy?

  • Just me and Nancy.

  • -It's just Nancy and me

  • is really what you should be saying.

  • I mean, I hate to constantly go over grammar with you.

  • It's exhausting.

  • -We just started the interview. That's one.

  • -I know. -I get three strikes.

  • -In this interview, you get three strikes.

  • In our history -- -In our history, oh, forget it.

  • I'm already -- oh, please. Are you kidding me?

  • I'm awful. I'm bad with that.

  • I've got to figure that out. Next time I talk to you,

  • you can test me on grammar and see if I'm getting better.

  • -All right, that sounds like a fair shake. Thank you.

  • -That sounds like a really exciting part of the interview.

  • -Yeah, it sounds like an episode people are going to be

  • dying to see. [ Laughs ]

  • -"Oh, did see the Chelsea Grammar episode?"

  • -Chelsea -- [ Laughs ] Chelsea Grammar.

  • I can team up with Kelsey Grammer

  • and we can both double team you on your grammar.

  • -Do you have your Halloween costume yet?

  • If not, you could be Chelsea Grammar.

  • -That's it. -I'm just saying.

  • Are you a Halloween person? I feel like you were

  • and now you're not.

  • -It's weird that you would think that,

  • but I'm not into dressing up.

  • I feel like it's degrading.

  • You know what I mean? -Yeah.

  • -I'm not into costumes. You're a good sport,

  • and I don't have a good sport attitude.

  • I'm kind of like a Scrooge when it comes to people telling me

  • what to do on a certain day of the year.

  • I take offense to that.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's like Christmas, "No, don't tell me

  • when I'm supposed to give my friends and family gifts

  • and celebrate something I don't even believe in."

  • -I agree with you about that. Don't tell me what you want

  • for Christmas. That's the whole idea --

  • No, I'm giving a gift. I'm just giving

  • and either you take it or you go, 'Wow, okay.'"

  • -Yeah. -You get what you get.

  • -This Christmas is going to be different because like --

  • you know, like you, I spend a lot of time with my family.

  • But I spent a lot of time, they descended upon my house

  • when quarantine started.

  • My sister, Simone, who I used to like a lot more,

  • and her three children.

  • They lived with me for two months.

  • And that was, you know, wonderful to see my house

  • being used in that way.

  • But it was a lot of time with children that I chose

  • not to have on my own, you know?

  • So it felt like, wait a second, I made the right decisions

  • in my life, yet I'm being punished.

  • And then over the summer,

  • we went on like a two-week family vacation

  • with my entire family. -Aww.

  • -And with all my nieces and nephews.

  • So for Christmas, they're like, "What's the plan for Christmas?"

  • And we usually go for Canada.

  • I'm like, "We can't get into Canada this year

  • because we're pariahs.

  • We can't go skiing."

  • I said, "So I guess everyone's

  • on their own this year for COVID."

  • You know, we already had the vacation at Martha's Vineyard.

  • And my brother actually had the audacity to say to me,

  • "What about you coming East and we all go skiing in Vermont?"

  • I go, "I don't think you're getting the message.

  • I'm not celebrating Christmas with you guys, okay?

  • I want to be alone." -No.

  • You're like, "I don't go to you, we go to a place.

  • But I'm not gonna go -- what are we --"

  • I think you're going to go.

  • -I'm not going to Vermont. I'm not.

  • -Turns out I don't know you at all.

  • -No, you don't. It doesn't seem like --

  • The more we talk, the less it seems like you know.

  • -I've read the books, I've seen the specials, I watch the show.

  • I've watched -- I've seen everything, the whole --

  • the evolution.

  • I'm not segueing yet, but the evolution of your career.

  • I've been there. We're getting close.

  • -You have. -I have the long setup.

  • So I say "evolution,"

  • then eventually we'll get to the setup.

  • But not yet. -Okay, should I just wait here?

  • Should I just wait here? -Yes.

  • You should just wait there. I was thinking,

  • is my grammar correct on that?

  • You're very open about how therapy has helped you

  • become a more patient person in some ways.

  • Is that something that you have to work on

  • all the time and still do? -Well, yes.

  • I mean, for sure. If I could learn

  • how to get a handle on my patience, anyone can.

  • And you know, you think you're doing well, like I -- you know,

  • I'm making a lot of improvements, I'm less reactive.

  • But when I came home this last trip,

  • I had been gone for like two months.

  • I went and shot my special, I went on my family vacation,

  • then I rented a house in Maine for a couple weeks.

  • And I came home and my assistant had had all the decks

  • painted black, dark, dark black.

  • Paint on my wood, my Ipe wood, and my house.

  • And this is -- and I think, you know, like "Oh, I'm reasonable.

  • I'm a rational person."

  • I walked outside, saw my -- and my decks, and my house,

  • and compass, everything.

  • And I went off.

  • I was like, "How could you think

  • that I would think that this would look good?

  • Black paint!" I go, "It's too hot to even walk on.

  • The dogs are going to scald their little baby paws."

  • And then -- I couldn't believe it.

  • I go, "How could you think I would like paint?"

  • -Yes. -"How could you paint wood?

  • And how could paint it this color?"

  • -"Am I a person that looks like they like painted wood?

  • Don't you know me?" -Yeah, and I looked --

  • And I'm like -- oh -- as soon as it's out

  • and I'm screaming and saying these words

  • and being such a small person and I'm worried about

  • my stupid decks when we're in the middle of a pandemic,

  • I was like, "Shut up, shut up, shut up,

  • you're being a bitch. Shut up, shut up.

  • Stop talking! Stop talking."

  • And I'm like, you think you're all, you know, fixed or better

  • and then you have a slip-up like that,

  • and that was really embarrassing.

  • I had to apologize to my assistant

  • 'cause I had an outburst like I hadn't had in years.

  • So it's a work in progress.

  • -Yeah, I have to call your therapist,

  • 'cause I have the same problem.

  • Did you -- let's get into something that's less stressful.

  • Did you watch the debate last night?

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • -You know what? I took myself out to dinner

  • instead of watching the debate,

  • because I've heard that idiot talk for four years

  • and I don't need to hear him say another word.

  • -[ Laughs ]

  • -I mean, seriously. My blood pressure,

  • you can already tell when I get enervated.

  • It's not good for anybody. -No.

  • -So I can't watch him talk. No, thanks.

  • -I think -- -And you know --

  • -Go.

  • -You heard about my ex-boyfriend, right?

  • 50 Cent and his support of Donald Trump?

  • How he tweeted about it. -Yeah, what's going on?

  • I saw your tweets and I go, "Wait, what's happening?"

  • 'Cause you said he was your favorite ex-boyfriend.

  • And then he -- what does he do? He's supporting Trump?

  • -He says he doesn't want to pay 62% of taxes,

  • which by the way, isn't a plan of Joe Biden's.

  • That's a lie.

  • So he doesn't want to pay 62% of taxes

  • because he doesn't want to go from being 50 Cent to 20 Cent.

  • And I -- and I had to remind him that he was a black person,

  • so he can't vote for Donald Trump

  • and that he shouldn't be influencing

  • an entire swath of people who may listen to him

  • because he's worried about his own personal pocketbook.

  • So I haven't heard back from him yet, but I am willing to,

  • you know, seal the deal in more ways than one

  • if he changes his mind

  • and publicly denounces Donald Trump.

  • I might be willing to go for another spin,

  • if you know what I'm talking about.

-Hi, Chelsea. Welcome back to the show.

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Chelsea Handler Is a Halloween Scrooge

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/10/24
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