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  • -Thank you very much, everybody.

  • Let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, last night

  • President Trump held a press conference

  • and this one was out there, even for him.

  • I mean, when Time-Life releases a box set

  • of Trump's craziest moments, this will be on it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Trump was asked to commit

  • to a peaceful transition of power,

  • if he loses the election, and this was his response.

  • -Well, we're gonna have to see what happens.

  • You know that I've been complaining very strongly

  • about the ballots and the ballots are a disaster.

  • We wanna have -- Get rid of the ballots

  • and you'll have a very transf-- we'll have very peaceful --

  • There won't be a transfer, frankly,

  • [ Laughter ] There'll be a continuation.

  • -Whoa.

  • -So, if Trump loses the election,

  • getting him out of the White House

  • will be like trying to get a bird out of your living room.

  • [ Laughter ] It's like, "Oh...no.

  • I got him. Hold on! Okay.

  • Nobody move! He's -- He's behind the curtain!

  • Nobody move! Shut the door! Shut the door!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm getting the feeling this year is gonna end

  • with Trump locking himself in the Oval Office

  • while yelling in the phone...

  • [ As Trump ] Space Force, attack!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Even with five extra people, it sounds fantastic.

  • I will take it.

  • [ Applause ] I love you. I love you.

  • Safe, distanced,

  • distanced, socially distanced, everyone is safe, but, man,

  • it feels good.

  • It feels great, actually.

  • [ Cheering, laughter, and applause ]

  • Ah! I'm so happy right now. I just wanna --

  • Let's roll the credits. The show's over.

  • I'm happy.

  • Bye, everybody. Take care.

  • ♪♪

  • Ah!

  • The peaceful transfer of power is

  • one of the pillars of our democracy

  • and Trump treats it like a brunch he might bail on.

  • [ Laughter ] [ As Trump ] Game time decision.

  • I have to see how my day's going.

  • I'm not sure. [ Laughter ]

  • I do love a little eggs Benny, though.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • After Trump's comments,

  • Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell tried

  • to assure people that things would be okay.

  • He tweeted...

  • And, if recent news has taught us anything,

  • it's that you can always count

  • on Mitch McConnell to keep his word.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Ooh!

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

  • -Seriously, even though the Republicans were like,

  • "Mitch, please."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Later in the press conference,

  • a reporter asked Trump about Meghan Markle

  • basically supporting Joe Biden,

  • and this is what he had to say about her.

  • -I'm not a fan of hers.

  • And she probably has heard that.

  • But I wish a lot of luck

  • to Harry

  • -Oh! -'cause he's gonna need it.

  • [ Laughter ] -Oh, God.

  • -Wow!

  • Who had Meghan Markle on their random

  • Trump Insults Bingo card, anyone?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • If you're keeping track, Meghan Markle's got beef

  • with the queen of England

  • and the president of the United States.

  • She's just one Jay-Z fight away

  • from taking on the entire Illuminati.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • After that, Trump was answering a question

  • about the coronavirus vaccine

  • when he used a made-up excuse to get out of there.

  • [ Laughing ] Watch this.

  • -Ultimately, the White House has

  • to approve it and...

  • maybe we will and maybe we won't,

  • but we'll be taking a look. -Mr. President.

  • -I have to leave for an emergency phone call.

  • [ Laughter ] I'm gonna let Scott and Larry finish up.

  • -That's right. That's right. Trump was like...

  • [ As Trump ] Uh, yeah, what's the emergency, what, what?

  • Everything I just said at this press conference?

  • Okay, yeah, bye.

  • Hey, listen to this. Earlier today, it was announced

  • that Russian President Vladimir Putin

  • was nominated for the [ Laughing ] Nobel Peace Prize.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep. Putin is thrilled,

  • while everyone else in the category is poisoned.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • First Trump, then Putin?

  • Right now, Kim Jong-un is standing

  • by a tin can on a string like, "Any second now...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Any second now."

  • Well, guys, Halloween is just around the corner,

  • but, this week, the CDC announced

  • that no one should have Halloween parties.

  • -[ Groaning ] -Yeah. It's a huge bummer.

  • It almost feels like the CDC knows it, too.

  • I mean, check out the PSA that they released today.

  • -We at the CDC are here to guide you through the COVID pandemic,

  • which is why we're announcing, come October...

  • ...should take place. None.

  • Not even our own office Halloween party,

  • which is downright sick.

  • I mean, this party is off. the. hook.

  • We've got fog.

  • We've got a DJ.

  • We've got Anthony Fauci as Batman,

  • entering on a zip line?

  • It was so 2019.

  • It was a different time.

  • And, this fall, we all have a collective responsibility

  • to not recreate last year.

  • No matter how lit. it. was.

  • [ Laughter ] This party is legendary.

  • Last year, Brenda from Genetics

  • dressed as Streptococcus pneumoniae.

  • Take that, Heidi Klum!

  • You can't control this banger,

  • but you can control

  • the virus.

  • So just be safe. Stay inside.

  • Rewatch "Tiger King."

  • I mean, okay.

  • Can you imagine the costumes, though?

  • Bret in Lab Safety was gonna bring an actual tiger.

  • -[ Growl ] -And you think we couldn't top last year?

  • Tell that to our hologram Joseph Walter Mountin.

  • He founded the CDC, bitch!

  • God, I'm gonna miss this party. God!

  • CDC.

  • Wear your mask.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -Unfortunately, Halloween isn't the only celebration

  • that's being affected by the pandemic.

  • It looks like New Year's Eve is gonna be different, too.

  • -For the first time in 114 years,

  • there's gonna be no crowd, no revelers, allowed

  • in Times Square. -[ Sighs heavily ]

  • -Organizers announcing

  • a new virtually enhanced event

  • with live components that incorporate social distancing.

  • -Yeah. And, if you're upset you can't go

  • to Times Square on New Year's Eve,

  • then I'm pretty sure you've never been

  • to Times Square on New Year's Eve.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Virtual, not virtual.

  • Live, pretaped.

  • It doesn't matter.

  • Just get us the hell out of 2020, please!

  • [ Laughter and applause ] Carson, just say it!

  • Just say it now, and we'll all agree it's New Year's.

  • Meanwhile, Planet Fitness is like, "Damn,

  • what the hell are we gonna do with 10,000 purple top hats?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Clap ]

  • Well, this is fun.

  • The company that makes emojis

  • just announced 217 new ones.

  • Most of them are variations on existing emojis,

  • but some of them are pretty surprising.

  • Here, take a look.

  • First one is called...

  • [ Laughter ] This next one is called...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Slaps leg ]

  • Takis. -Yeah.

  • -This one is called...

  • That's fun.

  • And, finally, this new emoji is called...

  • -Oh! -There you go.

  • [ Smattering of applause ] And now,

  • quickly changing pace a little, here's a new segment, called

  • "How Was That Legal Until Now??"

  • ♪♪

  • -The MTA today officially changed its rules to prohibit

  • defecating on subways and buses.

  • [ Laughter ] ♪♪

  • -Whoa! Wait.

  • [ Laughter ] Wait.

  • Wait, wait.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Wait.

  • [ Laughter ] Wait.

  • You mean, all this time...

  • [ Laughter ] -I know. I can't.

  • Just ruined my weekend.

  • I mean, just ruined it.

  • Wow!

  • And, finally, here's some exciting...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • news about a 96-year-old woman in Pennsylvania.

  • Watch this.

  • -A 96-year-old.

  • Meet Sarah in Pittsburgh, who is still one of the best

  • when it comes to knocking down pins.

  • She became the first at her local bowling alley

  • to bowl a perfect game.

  • -That's amazing.

  • When most 96-year-olds bowl, they go down the alley

  • with the ball. [ Laughter ]

-Thank you very much, everybody.

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Trump Refuses to Say He’ll Leave White House | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/10/24
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