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  • -Thank you very much, everyone!

  • Thank you! On a Friday!

  • That's some Friday love right there.

  • Thank you. Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.

  • Let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, everyone's still talking about

  • last night's presidential debate.

  • But based on the early ratings,

  • it had about 7 million fewer viewers than the first one.

  • It's not that 7 million people chose not to watch.

  • It's that after the first debate, they left the country.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Based on some snap polls, Trump won the debate

  • by 98% to 2%.

  • That's according to the fair polling site,

  • guntotingeagle.com.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But this is interesting. The Trump campaign announced

  • that yesterday was their biggest online fundraising day ever,

  • pulling in $26 million.

  • Wow, he really has the bird-killing wind at his back.

  • Yep, Trump raised $26 million.

  • Today he was like, "Spend the million on TV ads,

  • put the rest in my Chinese bank account."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Did you see this? Two of Trump's guests last night

  • were Kid Rock and golfer John Daly.

  • Take a look at this.

  • [ Laughter ] They look great.

  • I think they bought those clothes at QAnon Members Only.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, Trump wanted Kid Rock's support, mostly because

  • he thinks Kid Rock is Dwayne Johnson's son.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I shouldn't make fun of them. In 2024,

  • that's going to be the Republican ticket.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, after the debate, Donald Trump Jr.

  • went on Fox News and he was really pumped

  • about his dad's performance.

  • I mean, really pumped. Watch this.

  • -The media runs right away. It's Russian disinformation.

  • There's literally zero evidence

  • that it's Russian disinformation.

  • The Director of National Intelligence said --

  • and by the way, more importantly, the FBI said it,

  • and I don't say that because I think the FBI has more

  • credibility, I say that because it's pretty clear that the FBI

  • has done whatever they possibly could to hurt Donald Trump.

  • So if they're even coming out and saying this,

  • meaning the upper levels of the FBI.

  • The door kickers love us,

  • not so much the bureaucrats at the top.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Okay.

  • Was he double parked or something?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Looks like someone's been dipping into Daddy's

  • nuclear-powered steroids.

  • He sounds like a kindergartner

  • who can't wait to tell you about his day.

  • And then -- and then -- and then we finger painted,

  • and then we ate lunch, and then we played outside,

  • and then we -- and then we stuck up for Russia,

  • and then --

  • I didn't know if I was watching "Hannity"

  • or an episode of "Narcos."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • In six months, Don Jr.'s going to be auctioning off

  • unclaimed storage units.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That was a good deep cut.

  • He sounds like the guy who reads the side effects

  • on the end of a Zoloft commercial.

  • [ Rapid indistinct talking ]

  • Sounded like every conversation that's ever happened at a rave.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, with less than two weeks until the election,

  • the President is campaigning as much as he can.

  • Take a look. -President Trump,

  • he is about to begin a whirlwind weekend of campaigning.

  • He'll be heading down South for campaign events in the villages,

  • then a rally tonight in the Panhandle and Pensacola.

  • He'll be staying overnight in Florida, getting a chance

  • to early vote tomorrow.

  • He'll be holding rallies this weekend in places like

  • North Carolina, Ohio, and Wisconsin.

  • And then Sunday, another rally in New Hampshire.

  • -He's starting to turn into that band where

  • you're just like, "Weren't they just here?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The rallies aren't really changing

  • Trump's approval rating.

  • However, the coronavirus numbers are through the roof.

  • [ Laughter and ohhs ]

  • Trump hasn't worked this hard since he had to be quiet

  • for two minutes at the debate last night.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • This is pretty crazy.

  • A security researcher claims that he was able to

  • get into Trump's Twitter account by guessing his password.

  • Check out what it was.

  • -A Dutch security researcher was able to access

  • President Trump's Twitter account last week

  • by guessing his password,

  • maga2020!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -If you're worried about the nuclear codes, don't be.

  • That password is maga2020!! with two exclamation points.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, another big story is early voting.

  • Millions of Americans are doing it,

  • and today one of them was Mike Pence.

  • Here he is casting his ballot in Indiana.

  • Yep, the Pences were excited.

  • They haven't done a joint thumbs up since their honeymoon.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • "What do you think?" "All right."

  • Some news from overseas.

  • -Okay.

  • Never mind.

  • -Some news from overseas. -[ Laughs ]

  • -North Korea has ordered a lockdown over concerns that

  • yellow dust from China could spread the coronavirus.

  • Kim Jong-Un made the announcement,

  • along with his infectious disease expert,

  • Dr. Kim Jong-Fauci.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • If the lockdown wasn't bad enough,

  • Kim Jong-Un is now forcing everyone

  • to do a Zoom happy hour.

  • [ Sighs ] Gosh.

  • If you think quarantine in America is bad,

  • over in North Korea, the only thing they have on Netflix

  • is "Emily in Pyongyang."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Nice one. -You can give me a thing.

  • -I got it. -Yeah, yeah.

  • It's just a mental -- it's a silent [imitates rimshot].

  • -I got it. -It's alright.

  • [ Rimshot ] No, no. That's right.

  • That's hacky. I know. You don't want to do that.

  • -I take it back. -Yeah. Yeah.

  • -[ Imitates reverse speaking ]

  • -Oh, he took it back. -Yeah.

  • -Oh, my God. [ Applause ]

  • -He actually reversed himself.

  • He reversed himself. That was awesome.

  • [ Imitates reverse speaking ]

  • Hey, did you see last night the New York Giants

  • were playing...some team. -Who?

  • -[ Groaning ] -It doesn't matter, right?

  • The Philadelphia Eagles.

  • -Yeah. [ Rimshot ]

  • -And Giants quarterback Daniel Jones tried running

  • for an 88-yard touchdown.

  • Let's see how that went.

  • -From the 12. Jones keeps.

  • Gets a block.

  • Takes off, and he is gone!

  • Trying to stay upright, and he trips!

  • [ Gasping ] [ Rimshot ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -That felt like re-watching

  • the last season of "Game of Thrones."

  • Like, yes, yes...aw!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, the holidays are coming up,

  • and Southwest Airlines just made a big announcement

  • about their flights. Take a look.

  • -Southwest Airlines is dropping a pandemic policy

  • that provided more social distancing on flights.

  • It will no longer keep middle seats empty,

  • starting December 1st.

  • Southwest says air filtering and masks

  • have created healthy environments aboard planes.

  • -Come on. It's Southwest.

  • The whole plane is a middle seat.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You actually don't have to worry,

  • because even the coronavirus doesn't want anything to do

  • with the middle seat on Southwest.

  • The middle seat on Southwest.

  • I'd rather be on lockdown in North Korea.

  • Pretty sure the only in-flight entertainment they have

  • on Southwest is "Emily in Pyongyang."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Scattered applause ]

  • And finally, Guinness is about to unveil

  • its newest product. Let's see what it is.

  • -Guinness launching its first-ever non-alcoholic beer.

  • It's called Guinness Zero.

  • It took the company four years to re-create the same taste

  • as its original stout without the alcohol.

  • -If you order that in Ireland,

  • you're marched through town while everyone throws

  • rotten vegetables at you.

  • "Shame, shame!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Guinness without booze?

  • Here's how Irish people are reacting.

  • -Come on! -There you go.

-Thank you very much, everyone!

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Donald Trump Jr. Gets a Little Too Excited in Fox News Interview | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/10/24
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