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  • >> THAT WAS THE WORST DEBATE I HAVE EVER SEEN.

  • PRESIDENT TRUMP INTERRUPTED OVER AND OVER.

  • >> THE PRESIDENT WAS CONSTANTLY INTERRUPTING.

  • >> CONSTANTLY INTERRUPTING.

  • >> HE DOESN'T WANT TO LET ME ANSWER BECAUSE HE KNOWS I HAVE

  • THE TRUTH.

  • HIS POSITION HAS BEEN TOTALLY, THOROUGHLY--

  • ( HORN BLOWING ) ( CHAINSAW REVVING )

  • ( BIRD SCREECHING ) >> ...BUT EVERYONE HAS

  • DISCREDITED-- AS A MATTER OF FACT--

  • ( SIREN ) --UNDER OATH.

  • >> MR. PRESIDENT-- >> YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT TWO

  • MILLION PEOPLE.

  • AND LET ME JUST TELL YOU, THERE WAS A STORY IN ONE OF THE

  • PAPERS-- >> PRESIDENT TRUMP, ARE YOU

  • WILLING TONIGHT TO CONDEMN WHITE SUPREMACISTS AND MILITIA GROUPS?

  • ( CRICKETS ) >> IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH"

  • STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • TONIGHT: SHUT UP, MAN!

  • PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES JOHN LITHGOW AND JONATHAN ALTER.

  • FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HOMEIN'.

  • AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE

  • BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!

  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I AM STILL RECOVERING FROM LAST

  • NIGHT'S AGONIZING PRESIDENTIAL SHOUT-FEST, IN WHICH DONALD

  • TRUMP INTERRUPTED JOE BIDEN OVER 70 TIMES WHILE CHRIS WALLACE

  • TRIED TO STOP HIM LIKE A BABY THROWING PENNIES AT A

  • BATTLESHIP.

  • TRUMP WAS OUT OF CONTROL THE ENTIRE EVENING.

  • THE WHOLE THING GAVE A NEW MEANING TO THE TERM "WHITE

  • NOISE."

  • BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT CHRIS WALLACE WAS SUPPOSED TO DO.

  • AT THE NEXT DEBATE, THEY SHOULD JUST GIVE THE MODERATOR A

  • BUTTON TO BRING ON THE SLIME.

  • I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO DESPISED LAST NIGHT'S DEBATE.

  • ACCORDING TO A CBS POLL, OF THE PEOPLE WHO WATCHED IT,

  • 69% FELT ANNOYED.

  • ANNOYED.

  • REALLY, EVIDENTLY, "GOUGING OUT MY EYES WITH A GRAPEFRUIT SPOON"

  • WAS NOT AN OPTION.

  • SURPRISINGLY, THE VERY SAME POLL FOUND THAT 17% OF DEBATE

  • WATCHERS CAME AWAY FEELING INFORMED.

  • REALLY?

  • 17% FELT INFORMED AFTER WATCHING THAT?

  • WHAT DID THEY LEARN?

  • I LEARNED THAT WHEN THEY GO LOW, THEY CAN ACTUALLY GO MUCH

  • LOWER.

  • A CNN POLL ALSO FOUND THAT SIX IN 10 SAY BIDEN WON THE DEBATE.

  • WON?

  • I TAKE EXCEPTION TO THAT.

  • THERE ARE NO WINNERS HERE, EXCEPT FOR ARIS, THE TRICKSTER

  • GOD OF CHAOS.

  • A WINNER IMPLIES A CONTEST WHERE THE PARTIES FOLLOW AGREED-UPON

  • RULES TO REACH A SPECIFIC GOAL.

  • THIS WAS MORE LIKE WATCHING A BASKETBALL GAME WHERE THE FINAL

  • SCORE WAS "THE BEAUTIFUL FLAMES.

  • THEY TALK TO ME UPON ONE THING THAT EXPERTS AGREE ON

  • IS DEBATES DON'T REALLY CHANGE ANYTHING.

  • SO NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE, AND WE HAVE TO DO THIS TWO MORE

  • TIMES!

  • YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY IS DOING

  • THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND EXPECTING DONALD TRUMP

  • TO SHUT UP.

  • IT'S HARD TO WATCH ANY OF THIS AND BELIEVE ANYONE COULD STILL

  • BE OUT THERE UNDECIDED, BUT THEY EVIDENTLY ARE.

  • AND LAST NIGHT, THERE WAS A FOCUS GROUP OF THESE MENTALLY

  • IMPAIRED UNICORNS ORGANIZED BY REPUBLICAN POLLSTER AND GUY

  • DRUNK DIALING BATMAN, FRANK LUNTZ.

  • LUNTZ-- HI, FRANK!

  • GATHERED 15 UNDECIDEDS TO RESPOND TO THE DEBATE OVER ZOOM.

  • OH, PLEASE, PLEASE CAN WE DO THE NEXT DEBATE OVER ZOOM?

  • ( AS MODERATOR ) "MR. PRESIDENT, I'M PUTTING YOU

  • ON MUTE.

  • NO, DON'T SHARE YOUR SCREEN!

  • YOUR TABS AREN'T SAFE FOR WORK!" AND LUNTZ ASKED THEM THIS

  • QUESTION: >> MICHELLE, WORD OR PHRASE TO

  • DESCRIBE DONALD TRUMP TONIGHT?

  • >> HORRID.

  • >> SARAH?

  • >> CHAOTIC.

  • >> ROB?

  • >> UNPOLISHED.

  • >> RUTHY?

  • >> CRACKHEAD.

  • >> Stephen: CRACKHEAD.

  • HOW DARE YOU MALIGN THE GOOD NAME OF CRACKHEADS.

  • UNLIKE DONALD TRUMP, CRACKHEADS HAVE A CLEAR POLICY: GIVE ME

  • SOME CRACK.

  • ONE FOCUS GROUP MEMBER OFFERED THIS:

  • ( SCREAMING ) >> Stephen: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO

  • USE THE DIAL, MERRILL.

  • JUST USE THE DIAL.

  • BUT DESPITE THEIR HARSH WORDS ABOUT TRUMP, THE VOTERS STILL

  • COULDN'T MAKE UP THEIR MINDS POST-DEBATE, LIKE JENNIFER FROM

  • PENNSYLVANIA, WHO SAID THIS: >> OH, I AM DEFINITELY

  • UNDECIDED.

  • I HAVE NO CLUE WHO I'M GOING TO VOTE TO-- FOR.

  • I DON'T KNOW WHO'S GOING TO GET MY VOTE.

  • I WANT TO SEE ANOTHER DEBATE.

  • >> Stephen: WHAT?

  • AT THIS POINT, I TRULY DO NOT KNOW WHAT COULD SWAY UNDECIDED

  • VOTERS.

  • "WELL, THE ONE GUY MAKES ME EMBARRASSED TO LIVE IN MY

  • COUNTRY.

  • BUT THE OTHER GUY IS SLEEPY, ACCORDING TO THE FIRST GUY WHO,

  • AGAIN, IS A TOTAL PSYCHOPATH.

  • SO, IT'S A COIN TOSS."

  • JENNIFER WASN'T ALONE.

  • ROB FROM IOWA SAID THIS: >> THAT WAS EMBARRASSING.

  • PERSONALLY, IT'S A DARTBOARD FOR ME RIGHT NOW,

  • WHO'S GONNA WIN IT.

  • >> Stephen: REALLY?

  • BECAUSE WATCHING TRUMP, MY REACTION WAS LESS DARTBOARD AND

  • MORE TRANQ DART: >> THE ONLY THING I HAVEN'T DONE

  • A GOOD JOB, AND IT'S BECAUSE OF THE FAKE NEWS.

  • >> IT'S JUST FAKE NEWS.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S FINE.

  • THEY'RE GOING TO PUT AN EAR TAG ON HIM AND RELEASE HIM BACK INTO

  • THE WILD.

  • HE'S GOT A VERY HIGH THRESHOLD FOR PAIN.

  • ONE FOCUS GROUP MEMBER DID STAND OUT FROM THE REST BY DELIVERING

  • A CLEAR, CONCISE OPINION OF THE PRESIDENT.

  • HERE'S LUKE FROM WISCONSIN: >> TRUMP IS ANNOYING.

  • HE'S UNPRESIDENTIAL.

  • HE'S ANNOYING.

  • AND IT'S LIKE NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD.

  • >> Stephen: YES, FINALLY!

  • THANK YOU, LUKE.

  • YOU'RE LIVING PROOF THAT UNDECIDED VOTERS ARE CAPABLE OF

  • SEEING THE LIGHT AND-- >> BUT HIM ACTING THAT WAY

  • DOESN'T NECESSARILY IMPACT MY BOTTOM LINE.

  • >> Stephen: UH, MERYL, IF YOU DON'T MIND?

  • ( SCREAMING ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU.

  • BUT THE MOST HORRIFYING MOMENT OF THIS-- OR REALLY ANY DEBATE--

  • WAS WHEN THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES DID NOT CONDEMN

  • WHITE SUPREMACY.

  • >> ARE YOU WILLING TONIGHT TO CONDEMN WHITE SUPREMACISTS

  • AND MILITIA GROUPS-- >> SURE.

  • I'M WILLING TO DO ANYTHING.

  • I WANT TO SEE PEACE-- >> THEN DO IT, SIR.

  • >> DO IT.

  • SAY IT.

  • >> YOU WANNA CALL THEM?

  • WHAT DO YOU WANNA CALL THEM?

  • GIVE ME A NAME.

  • GIE ME A NAME.

  • >> WHITE SUPREMICISTS AND RIGHT WING MILITIA.

  • >> PROUD BOYS, STAND BACK AND STAND BY.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT DENOUNCING.

  • THAT'S TROUBLING.

  • IT'S LIKE WHEN THE DEBATE MODERATOR ASKED NIXON TO

  • DENOUNCE PSYCHOTIC THRILL-KILL CULTS, AND HE SAID:

  • MANSON FAMILY, STAND BACK AND STAND BY.

  • HAVE YOU SEEN THE LITTLE PIGGIES CRAWLING IN THE DIRT?

  • HELTER SKELTER.

  • HELTER SKELTER!" HE SAID THAT.

  • I LEGALLY COULD NOT MAKE THAT JOKE UNLESS HE ACTUALLY SAID

  • THAT.

  • IF I'M WRONG, MR. NIXON, CALL ME.

  • THE PROUD BOYS HEARD TRUMP'S MESSAGE LOUD AND CLEAR, BECAUSE

  • WITHIN MINUTES, GROUP MEMBERS CALLED THE PRESIDENT'S

  • COMMENT A TACIT ENDORSEMENT OF THEIR VIOLENT TACTICS.

  • NOW, THAT'S JUST NOT FAIR.

  • THERE WAS NOTHING TACIT ABOUT IT.

  • THAT'S LIKE SAYING CARDI B OFFERED A TACIT ENDORSEMENT OF

  • NATURAL LUBRICATION.

  • THE PRESIDENT'S CHOICE OF WORDS WAS SO INSPIRING TO THESE RACIST

  • NUMBSKULLS THAT TODAY, THE PROUD BOYS STARTED SELLING MERCH WITH

  • THEIR NEW CATCHPHRASE.

  • A GOOD INDICATION THAT YOU DIDN'T PROPERLY DENOUNCE SOMEONE

  • IS WHEN THEY MAKE YOUR DENOUNCIATION THEIR NEW SLOGAN.

  • THAT'S WHY JOE McCARTHY NEVER WORE A T-SHIRT THAT SAID, "AT

  • LONG LAST, SIR, HAVE YOU NO DECENCY?"

  • NOW THIS IS A WEIRD LITTLE DETAIL.

  • THE PROUD BOYS NAME IS A REFERENCE TO A SONG FROM THE

  • STAGED MUSICAL VERSION OF THE DISNEY FILM "ALADDIN."

  • IT'S AN OBSCURE REFERENCE TO BROADWAY.

  • BUT THAT'S JUST WHAT YOU EXPECT FROM TOXIC RIGHT-WING ALPHA

  • MALES: SHOW TUNES!

  • "FOSSE, FOSSE, GOOSE STEP, FOSSE, FOSSE, SHOOT."

  • THE GROUP HAS STAUNCH RIGHT-WING BELIEFS, INCLUDING

  • "VENERATING THE HOUSEWIFE."

  • LISTEN, I HOPE THEY HAVE GOOD LAWYERS, BECAUSE THAT'S ALSO THE

  • NAME OF ANDY CONE'S NEW BRAVO SHOW!

  • MOST ALARMINGLY, THEIR PLATFORM ALSO INCLUDES A PLEDGE TO REFUSE

  • TO MASTURBATE.

  • WHICH IS ODD BECAUSE THEIR WHITE POWER HAND GESTURES LOOK LIKE

  • THEY'RE READY TO, LET'S SAY, FLOG THE FUROR AT ANY MOMENT.

  • WHERE DID THEY RECRUIT THESE YOUNG MEN?

  • ( AS MOM ) ( KNOCKING )

  • "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE, JOHNNY?"

  • ( AS TEEN ) "NOTHING.

  • GOD, JUST PLANNING A RACE WAR!" AND WHAT DO THEY MEAN, "REFUSE"?

  • WHO'S OUT THERE DEMANDING THAT THEY MASTURBATE?

  • ( AS PROUD BOY ) "ALL THESE SOCIALIST FEMINISTS

  • WITH THEIR YOGA PANTS AND SPORTS BRAS WANT ME TO HAMMER MY OWN

  • SICKLE!

  • OOH, THEY WOULD LOVE ME TO SEIZE MY OWN MEANS OF PRODUCTION!

  • NOT TODAY, COMRADE!" NO, DOWN, DOWN!

  • THE SOUTHERN POVERTY LAW CENTER DESCRIBES THE PROUD BOYS AS A

  • FIGHT CLUB FRATERNITY OF YOUNG WHITE, PRO-TRUMP MEN.

  • MIGHT SEEM LIKE AN ODD COMPARISON, BUT REMEMBER THIS

  • SCENE FROM THE MOVIE: >> THE FIRST RULE OF

  • FIGHT CLUB IS DON'T MASTURBATE!

  • THE SECOND RULE OF FIGHT CLUB IS DON'T MASTURBATE!

  • >> Stephen: SPEAKING OF WANKERS; DONALD TRUMP.

  • THE PRESIDENT APPARENTLY DIDN'T GET HIS FILL OF SCREAMING INTO A

  • CAMERA LAST NIGHT, SO HE HELPED HIMSELF TO SOME LEFTOVER

  • RAGE IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF: >> CHOPPER TALK!

  • >> Stephen: WELL, IT SEEMS LIKE SOMEBODY IN THE WHITE HOUSE

  • STARTED LOOKING AT THE NUMBERS AND REALIZED THAT "SIDING WITH A

  • VIOLENT HATE GROUP" DOESN'T POLL WELL WITH SUBURBAN WOMEN,

  • BECAUSE TODAY, TRUMP SAID THIS: >> I DON'T KNOW WHO THE PROUD

  • BOYS ARE.

  • I MEAN, YOU'LL HAVE TO GIVE ME A DEFINITION, BECAUSE I REALLY

  • DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "I DON'T KNOW ANY PROUD BOYS.

  • MY BOYS ERIC AND DON JUNIOR ARE ASHAMED BOYS.

  • AND THEY SHOULD BE.

  • IF THEY WERE JUST BORN GIRLS, I COULD HAVE HAD TWO MORE

  • IVANKAS!" NOW, HE CONTINUED BY SAYING THE

  • PEOPLE WHO HE DOESN'T KNOW SHOULD STOP DOING ANY OF THE

  • THINGS HE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT ANY OF THEM DOING.

  • >> AGAIN, I DON'T KNOW WHO PROUD BOYS ARE.

  • BUT WHOEVER THEY ARE, THEY HAVE TO STAND DOWN, LET LAW

  • ENFORCEMENT DO THEIR WORK.

  • >> Stephen: NOTICE HE DIDN'T ACTUALLY DENOUNCE THE PROUD

  • BOYS.

  • SO HIS WALK-BACK STILL HAD A HINT OF GOOSE STEP.

  • WHILE TRUMP RAMBLED ABOUT NEW YORK, ONE REPORTER GAVE HIM ONE

  • MORE CHANCE TO CLEARLY AND DEFINITIVELY DENOUNCE WHITE

  • SUPREMACY.

  • AND HE CLEARLY AND DEFINITIVELY TOOK A PASS.

  • >> THEY SHOULD STOP DEFUNDING POLICE LIKE THEY HAVE DONE IN

  • NEW YORK-- >> BUT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT WHITE

  • SUPREMACISTS, SIR.

  • >> --LIKE THEY'VE DONE IN NEW YORK.

  • I JUST TOLD YOU.

  • >> BUT DO YOU DENOUNCE THEM?

  • DO YOU DENOUNCE-- >> I'VE ALWAYS DENOUNCED ANY

  • FORM-- >> --OF WHITE SUPREMACY?

  • >> ANY FORM-- ANY FORM OF ANY OF THAT, YOU HAVE TO DENOUNCE.

  • >> Stephen: DIDN'T SAY IT AGAIN!

  • ( AS LADY ) "DONALD, DO YOU LOVE ME?"

  • ( AS TRUMP ) "YOU GOTTA LOVE-- AND LOVE IS--

  • YOU GOTTA DO IT.

  • I'VE ALWAYS SAID I LOVE LOVING, IN ANY FORM."

  • BUT AGAIN, HE TRIED A VARIATION ON THE VERY FINE PEOPLE ON BOTH

  • SIDES THING.

  • >> BUT I ALSO-- JOE BIDEN HAS TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT ANTIFA.

  • IT'S NOT A PHILOSOPHY.

  • THESE ARE PEOPLE THAT HIT PEOPLE OVER THE HEAD.

  • >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "THESE PEOPLE ARE HEAD BOPPERS,

  • LITTLE BUNNY ANTI-FOO RUNNING THROUGH THE FOREST, PICKIN'

  • UP THE PROUD BOYS, AND BOPPIN' 'EM ON THE HEAD."

  • WITH TUNA CANS.

  • STILL, TRUMP FEELS GOOD ABOUT LAST NIGHT'S DEBATE, BECAUSE,

  • UH, RATINGS?

  • >> I THOUGHT THE DEBATE LAST NIGHT WAS GREAT.

  • WE'VE GOTTEN TREMENDOUS REVIEWS ON IT.

  • I THOUGHT