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>> THAT WAS THE WORST DEBATE I HAVE EVER SEEN.
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PRESIDENT TRUMP INTERRUPTED OVER AND OVER.
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>> THE PRESIDENT WAS CONSTANTLY INTERRUPTING.
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>> CONSTANTLY INTERRUPTING.
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>> HE DOESN'T WANT TO LET ME ANSWER BECAUSE HE KNOWS I HAVE
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THE TRUTH.
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HIS POSITION HAS BEEN TOTALLY, THOROUGHLY--
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( HORN BLOWING ) ( CHAINSAW REVVING )
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( BIRD SCREECHING ) >> ...BUT EVERYONE HAS
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DISCREDITED-- AS A MATTER OF FACT--
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( SIREN ) --UNDER OATH.
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>> MR. PRESIDENT-- >> YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT TWO
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MILLION PEOPLE.
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AND LET ME JUST TELL YOU, THERE WAS A STORY IN ONE OF THE
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PAPERS-- >> PRESIDENT TRUMP, ARE YOU
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WILLING TONIGHT TO CONDEMN WHITE SUPREMACISTS AND MILITIA GROUPS?
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( CRICKETS ) >> IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH"
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STEPHEN COLBERT.
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TONIGHT: SHUT UP, MAN!
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PLUS, STEPHEN WELCOMES JOHN LITHGOW AND JONATHAN ALTER.
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FEATURING JON BATISTE AND STAY HOMEIN'.
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AND NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER OFFICE
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BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
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>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
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WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
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I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
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I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I AM STILL RECOVERING FROM LAST
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NIGHT'S AGONIZING PRESIDENTIAL SHOUT-FEST, IN WHICH DONALD
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TRUMP INTERRUPTED JOE BIDEN OVER 70 TIMES WHILE CHRIS WALLACE
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TRIED TO STOP HIM LIKE A BABY THROWING PENNIES AT A
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BATTLESHIP.
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TRUMP WAS OUT OF CONTROL THE ENTIRE EVENING.
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THE WHOLE THING GAVE A NEW MEANING TO THE TERM "WHITE
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NOISE."
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BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT CHRIS WALLACE WAS SUPPOSED TO DO.
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AT THE NEXT DEBATE, THEY SHOULD JUST GIVE THE MODERATOR A
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BUTTON TO BRING ON THE SLIME.
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I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO DESPISED LAST NIGHT'S DEBATE.
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ACCORDING TO A CBS POLL, OF THE PEOPLE WHO WATCHED IT,
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69% FELT ANNOYED.
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ANNOYED.
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REALLY, EVIDENTLY, "GOUGING OUT MY EYES WITH A GRAPEFRUIT SPOON"
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WAS NOT AN OPTION.
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SURPRISINGLY, THE VERY SAME POLL FOUND THAT 17% OF DEBATE
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WATCHERS CAME AWAY FEELING INFORMED.
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REALLY?
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17% FELT INFORMED AFTER WATCHING THAT?
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WHAT DID THEY LEARN?
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I LEARNED THAT WHEN THEY GO LOW, THEY CAN ACTUALLY GO MUCH
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LOWER.
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A CNN POLL ALSO FOUND THAT SIX IN 10 SAY BIDEN WON THE DEBATE.
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WON?
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I TAKE EXCEPTION TO THAT.
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THERE ARE NO WINNERS HERE, EXCEPT FOR ARIS, THE TRICKSTER
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GOD OF CHAOS.
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A WINNER IMPLIES A CONTEST WHERE THE PARTIES FOLLOW AGREED-UPON
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RULES TO REACH A SPECIFIC GOAL.
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THIS WAS MORE LIKE WATCHING A BASKETBALL GAME WHERE THE FINAL
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SCORE WAS "THE BEAUTIFUL FLAMES.
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THEY TALK TO ME UPON ONE THING THAT EXPERTS AGREE ON
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IS DEBATES DON'T REALLY CHANGE ANYTHING.
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SO NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE, AND WE HAVE TO DO THIS TWO MORE
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TIMES!
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YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY: THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY IS DOING
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THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND EXPECTING DONALD TRUMP
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TO SHUT UP.
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IT'S HARD TO WATCH ANY OF THIS AND BELIEVE ANYONE COULD STILL
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BE OUT THERE UNDECIDED, BUT THEY EVIDENTLY ARE.
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AND LAST NIGHT, THERE WAS A FOCUS GROUP OF THESE MENTALLY
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IMPAIRED UNICORNS ORGANIZED BY REPUBLICAN POLLSTER AND GUY
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DRUNK DIALING BATMAN, FRANK LUNTZ.
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LUNTZ-- HI, FRANK!
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GATHERED 15 UNDECIDEDS TO RESPOND TO THE DEBATE OVER ZOOM.
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OH, PLEASE, PLEASE CAN WE DO THE NEXT DEBATE OVER ZOOM?
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( AS MODERATOR ) "MR. PRESIDENT, I'M PUTTING YOU
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ON MUTE.
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NO, DON'T SHARE YOUR SCREEN!
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YOUR TABS AREN'T SAFE FOR WORK!" AND LUNTZ ASKED THEM THIS
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QUESTION: >> MICHELLE, WORD OR PHRASE TO
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DESCRIBE DONALD TRUMP TONIGHT?
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>> HORRID.
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>> SARAH?
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>> CHAOTIC.
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>> ROB?
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>> UNPOLISHED.
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>> RUTHY?
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>> CRACKHEAD.
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>> Stephen: CRACKHEAD.
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HOW DARE YOU MALIGN THE GOOD NAME OF CRACKHEADS.
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UNLIKE DONALD TRUMP, CRACKHEADS HAVE A CLEAR POLICY: GIVE ME
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SOME CRACK.
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ONE FOCUS GROUP MEMBER OFFERED THIS:
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( SCREAMING ) >> Stephen: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
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USE THE DIAL, MERRILL.
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JUST USE THE DIAL.
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BUT DESPITE THEIR HARSH WORDS ABOUT TRUMP, THE VOTERS STILL
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COULDN'T MAKE UP THEIR MINDS POST-DEBATE, LIKE JENNIFER FROM
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PENNSYLVANIA, WHO SAID THIS: >> OH, I AM DEFINITELY
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UNDECIDED.
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I HAVE NO CLUE WHO I'M GOING TO VOTE TO-- FOR.
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I DON'T KNOW WHO'S GOING TO GET MY VOTE.
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I WANT TO SEE ANOTHER DEBATE.
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>> Stephen: WHAT?
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AT THIS POINT, I TRULY DO NOT KNOW WHAT COULD SWAY UNDECIDED
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VOTERS.
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"WELL, THE ONE GUY MAKES ME EMBARRASSED TO LIVE IN MY
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COUNTRY.
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BUT THE OTHER GUY IS SLEEPY, ACCORDING TO THE FIRST GUY WHO,
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AGAIN, IS A TOTAL PSYCHOPATH.
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SO, IT'S A COIN TOSS."
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JENNIFER WASN'T ALONE.
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ROB FROM IOWA SAID THIS: >> THAT WAS EMBARRASSING.
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PERSONALLY, IT'S A DARTBOARD FOR ME RIGHT NOW,
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WHO'S GONNA WIN IT.
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>> Stephen: REALLY?
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BECAUSE WATCHING TRUMP, MY REACTION WAS LESS DARTBOARD AND
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MORE TRANQ DART: >> THE ONLY THING I HAVEN'T DONE
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A GOOD JOB, AND IT'S BECAUSE OF THE FAKE NEWS.
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>> IT'S JUST FAKE NEWS.
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>> Stephen: IT'S FINE.
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THEY'RE GOING TO PUT AN EAR TAG ON HIM AND RELEASE HIM BACK INTO
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THE WILD.
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HE'S GOT A VERY HIGH THRESHOLD FOR PAIN.
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ONE FOCUS GROUP MEMBER DID STAND OUT FROM THE REST BY DELIVERING
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A CLEAR, CONCISE OPINION OF THE PRESIDENT.
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HERE'S LUKE FROM WISCONSIN: >> TRUMP IS ANNOYING.
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HE'S UNPRESIDENTIAL.
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HE'S ANNOYING.
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AND IT'S LIKE NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD.
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>> Stephen: YES, FINALLY!
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THANK YOU, LUKE.
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YOU'RE LIVING PROOF THAT UNDECIDED VOTERS ARE CAPABLE OF
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SEEING THE LIGHT AND-- >> BUT HIM ACTING THAT WAY
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DOESN'T NECESSARILY IMPACT MY BOTTOM LINE.
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>> Stephen: UH, MERYL, IF YOU DON'T MIND?
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( SCREAMING ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU.
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BUT THE MOST HORRIFYING MOMENT OF THIS-- OR REALLY ANY DEBATE--
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WAS WHEN THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES DID NOT CONDEMN
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WHITE SUPREMACY.
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>> ARE YOU WILLING TONIGHT TO CONDEMN WHITE SUPREMACISTS
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AND MILITIA GROUPS-- >> SURE.
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I'M WILLING TO DO ANYTHING.
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I WANT TO SEE PEACE-- >> THEN DO IT, SIR.
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>> DO IT.
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SAY IT.
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>> YOU WANNA CALL THEM?
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WHAT DO YOU WANNA CALL THEM?
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GIVE ME A NAME.
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GIE ME A NAME.
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>> WHITE SUPREMICISTS AND RIGHT WING MILITIA.
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>> PROUD BOYS, STAND BACK AND STAND BY.
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>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT DENOUNCING.
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THAT'S TROUBLING.
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IT'S LIKE WHEN THE DEBATE MODERATOR ASKED NIXON TO
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DENOUNCE PSYCHOTIC THRILL-KILL CULTS, AND HE SAID:
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MANSON FAMILY, STAND BACK AND STAND BY.
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HAVE YOU SEEN THE LITTLE PIGGIES CRAWLING IN THE DIRT?
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HELTER SKELTER.
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HELTER SKELTER!" HE SAID THAT.
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I LEGALLY COULD NOT MAKE THAT JOKE UNLESS HE ACTUALLY SAID
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THAT.
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IF I'M WRONG, MR. NIXON, CALL ME.
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THE PROUD BOYS HEARD TRUMP'S MESSAGE LOUD AND CLEAR, BECAUSE
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WITHIN MINUTES, GROUP MEMBERS CALLED THE PRESIDENT'S
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COMMENT A TACIT ENDORSEMENT OF THEIR VIOLENT TACTICS.
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NOW, THAT'S JUST NOT FAIR.
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THERE WAS NOTHING TACIT ABOUT IT.
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THAT'S LIKE SAYING CARDI B OFFERED A TACIT ENDORSEMENT OF
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NATURAL LUBRICATION.
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THE PRESIDENT'S CHOICE OF WORDS WAS SO INSPIRING TO THESE RACIST
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NUMBSKULLS THAT TODAY, THE PROUD BOYS STARTED SELLING MERCH WITH
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THEIR NEW CATCHPHRASE.
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A GOOD INDICATION THAT YOU DIDN'T PROPERLY DENOUNCE SOMEONE
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IS WHEN THEY MAKE YOUR DENOUNCIATION THEIR NEW SLOGAN.
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THAT'S WHY JOE McCARTHY NEVER WORE A T-SHIRT THAT SAID, "AT
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LONG LAST, SIR, HAVE YOU NO DECENCY?"
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NOW THIS IS A WEIRD LITTLE DETAIL.
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THE PROUD BOYS NAME IS A REFERENCE TO A SONG FROM THE
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STAGED MUSICAL VERSION OF THE DISNEY FILM "ALADDIN."
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IT'S AN OBSCURE REFERENCE TO BROADWAY.
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BUT THAT'S JUST WHAT YOU EXPECT FROM TOXIC RIGHT-WING ALPHA
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MALES: SHOW TUNES!
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"FOSSE, FOSSE, GOOSE STEP, FOSSE, FOSSE, SHOOT."
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THE GROUP HAS STAUNCH RIGHT-WING BELIEFS, INCLUDING
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"VENERATING THE HOUSEWIFE."
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LISTEN, I HOPE THEY HAVE GOOD LAWYERS, BECAUSE THAT'S ALSO THE
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NAME OF ANDY CONE'S NEW BRAVO SHOW!
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MOST ALARMINGLY, THEIR PLATFORM ALSO INCLUDES A PLEDGE TO REFUSE
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TO MASTURBATE.
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WHICH IS ODD BECAUSE THEIR WHITE POWER HAND GESTURES LOOK LIKE
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THEY'RE READY TO, LET'S SAY, FLOG THE FUROR AT ANY MOMENT.
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WHERE DID THEY RECRUIT THESE YOUNG MEN?
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( AS MOM ) ( KNOCKING )
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"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE, JOHNNY?"
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( AS TEEN ) "NOTHING.
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GOD, JUST PLANNING A RACE WAR!" AND WHAT DO THEY MEAN, "REFUSE"?
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WHO'S OUT THERE DEMANDING THAT THEY MASTURBATE?
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( AS PROUD BOY ) "ALL THESE SOCIALIST FEMINISTS
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WITH THEIR YOGA PANTS AND SPORTS BRAS WANT ME TO HAMMER MY OWN
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SICKLE!
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OOH, THEY WOULD LOVE ME TO SEIZE MY OWN MEANS OF PRODUCTION!
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NOT TODAY, COMRADE!" NO, DOWN, DOWN!
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THE SOUTHERN POVERTY LAW CENTER DESCRIBES THE PROUD BOYS AS A
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FIGHT CLUB FRATERNITY OF YOUNG WHITE, PRO-TRUMP MEN.
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MIGHT SEEM LIKE AN ODD COMPARISON, BUT REMEMBER THIS
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SCENE FROM THE MOVIE: >> THE FIRST RULE OF
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FIGHT CLUB IS DON'T MASTURBATE!
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THE SECOND RULE OF FIGHT CLUB IS DON'T MASTURBATE!
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>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF WANKERS; DONALD TRUMP.
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THE PRESIDENT APPARENTLY DIDN'T GET HIS FILL OF SCREAMING INTO A
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CAMERA LAST NIGHT, SO HE HELPED HIMSELF TO SOME LEFTOVER
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RAGE IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF: >> CHOPPER TALK!
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>> Stephen: WELL, IT SEEMS LIKE SOMEBODY IN THE WHITE HOUSE
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STARTED LOOKING AT THE NUMBERS AND REALIZED THAT "SIDING WITH A
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VIOLENT HATE GROUP" DOESN'T POLL WELL WITH SUBURBAN WOMEN,
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BECAUSE TODAY, TRUMP SAID THIS: >> I DON'T KNOW WHO THE PROUD
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BOYS ARE.
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I MEAN, YOU'LL HAVE TO GIVE ME A DEFINITION, BECAUSE I REALLY
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DON'T KNOW WHO THEY ARE.
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>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "I DON'T KNOW ANY PROUD BOYS.
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MY BOYS ERIC AND DON JUNIOR ARE ASHAMED BOYS.
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AND THEY SHOULD BE.
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IF THEY WERE JUST BORN GIRLS, I COULD HAVE HAD TWO MORE
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IVANKAS!" NOW, HE CONTINUED BY SAYING THE
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PEOPLE WHO HE DOESN'T KNOW SHOULD STOP DOING ANY OF THE
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THINGS HE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT ANY OF THEM DOING.
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>> AGAIN, I DON'T KNOW WHO PROUD BOYS ARE.
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BUT WHOEVER THEY ARE, THEY HAVE TO STAND DOWN, LET LAW
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ENFORCEMENT DO THEIR WORK.
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>> Stephen: NOTICE HE DIDN'T ACTUALLY DENOUNCE THE PROUD
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BOYS.
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SO HIS WALK-BACK STILL HAD A HINT OF GOOSE STEP.
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WHILE TRUMP RAMBLED ABOUT NEW YORK, ONE REPORTER GAVE HIM ONE
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MORE CHANCE TO CLEARLY AND DEFINITIVELY DENOUNCE WHITE
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SUPREMACY.
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AND HE CLEARLY AND DEFINITIVELY TOOK A PASS.
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>> THEY SHOULD STOP DEFUNDING POLICE LIKE THEY HAVE DONE IN
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NEW YORK-- >> BUT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT WHITE
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SUPREMACISTS, SIR.
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>> --LIKE THEY'VE DONE IN NEW YORK.
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I JUST TOLD YOU.
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>> BUT DO YOU DENOUNCE THEM?
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DO YOU DENOUNCE-- >> I'VE ALWAYS DENOUNCED ANY
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FORM-- >> --OF WHITE SUPREMACY?
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>> ANY FORM-- ANY FORM OF ANY OF THAT, YOU HAVE TO DENOUNCE.
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>> Stephen: DIDN'T SAY IT AGAIN!
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( AS LADY ) "DONALD, DO YOU LOVE ME?"
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( AS TRUMP ) "YOU GOTTA LOVE-- AND LOVE IS--
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YOU GOTTA DO IT.
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I'VE ALWAYS SAID I LOVE LOVING, IN ANY FORM."
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BUT AGAIN, HE TRIED A VARIATION ON THE VERY FINE PEOPLE ON BOTH
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SIDES THING.
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>> BUT I ALSO-- JOE BIDEN HAS TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT ANTIFA.
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IT'S NOT A PHILOSOPHY.