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  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> COMEDY.

  • IT'S NO LAUGHING MATTER, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT ATTEMPTS TO

  • DERIVE HUMOR FROM THE AMERICAN POLITICAL PROCESS.

  • THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT IT.

  • EXCEPT FOR WHEN THAT FLY LANDED ON MIKE PENCE'S HEAD.

  • THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.

  • AND YET FOR REASONS UNKNOWN, WEEK AFTER WEEK, STEPHEN COLBERT

  • HAS TAKEN TO "THE LATE SHOW"" AND BRAZENLY ATTEMPTED TO MAKE

  • JOKES IN THE RUN-UP TO THE 2020 ELECTION.

  • YOU CRAZY BASTARD.

  • HELLO, I'M SAM WATER STON.

  • YOU MAY RECOGNIZE ME FROM "LAW & ORDER," OR MY PERSONAL PASTA

  • SAUCES WHERE NONE OF THE MONEY GOES TO CHARITY.

  • TONIGHT I WILL BE YOUR GUIDE AS WE LOOK AT THE THE LATE SHOW

  • WITH STEPHEN COLBERT'S 2020 CAMPAIGN COVERAGE."

  • AND WHILE THIS WILL BE A COLLECTION OF SOME OF THE BEST

  • MOMENTS FROM "THE LATE SHOW," I ASSURE YOU THIS IS NOT SOME

  • SILLY "BEST OF" SHOW.

  • IT IS SOMETHING MUCH MORE IMPORTANT.

  • TONIGHT, WE FULFILL A COTRACTUAL OBLIGATION TO THE

  • NETWORK.

  • WE BEGIN WITH SOME OF COLBERT'S BEST MONOLOGUES FROM THE

  • DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY.

  • FIRST, OF COURSE, THE OPENING CREDITS.

  • >> IT'S "A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT: 2020 CAMPAIGN

  • COVERAGE SPECIAL."

  • PLUS THE BEST OF CANDIDAT MONOLOGUES, THE BEST OF

  • CANDIDATE INTERVIEWS AND CAMPAIGN FIELD PIECES.

  • AND SAM WATERSTON EATING A GIANT SANDWICH.

  • AND NOW LIVE ON A BURCH OF TAPES FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER,

  • IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!

  • >> TRUMP'S DAYS ARE NUMBERED.

  • AT LEAST FOR HIS FIRST TERM, BECAUSE WE'RE GETTING CLOSER AND

  • CLOSER TO THE NEXT PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.

  • THERE ARE A LOT OF DEMOCRATS IN THIS THING.

  • IN FACT, HERE ARE ALL THE CANDIDATES.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) "THE NEW YORK TIMES" SAYS ARE

  • EITHERTRUNNING OR MIGHT RUN.

  • THIS-- THERE'S A ( SNIFFS )

  • OF COURSE, WITH NEARLY 30 PEOPLE POSSIBLY VYING FOR THE

  • DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION, IT'S EASIER TO FOCUS ON WHO'S NOT

  • RUNNING AND WE'LL DO THAT IN MY NEW SEGMENT "NOT DOING IT DONKEY

  • STYLE."

  • >> NO, THANKS!

  • >> Stephen: FIRST BOWING OUT, HILLARY CLINTON HAS ANNOUNCED

  • HE'S NOT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT IN 2020.

  • THAT IS TOUGH NEWS FOR REPUBLICANS.

  • THEY STILL HAVEN'T REALIZED SHE'S NO LONGER RUNNING IN 2016.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I STUCK A VOTEO OF VOLDER MORT

  • IN THERE, AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE.

  • RIGHT DOWN THERE.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) OBVIOUSLY, THAT'S A VOLT.

  • VOLDERMORT IS A LIBERTARIAN.

  • BIDEN HAS LED EVERY NATIONAL POLL OF DEMOCRATS, WITHOUT EVEN

  • HAVING DECLARED HE'S RUNNING.

  • BUT ON SATURDAY, HE MAY HAVE ACCIDENTALLY SPILLED THE BEANS.

  • >> I AM THE MOST PROGRESSIVE RECORD OF ANYBODY RUNNING FOR

  • THE-- IF ANYBODY WHO WOULD RUN.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THE MAN HAS NOT

  • LOST A MISSTEP.

  • BIDEN LEADS TRUMP BY 13 POINTS.

  • AND IT'S NOT JUST BIDEN.

  • IN THE POLL, SANDERS BEATS TRUMP BY NINE POINTS, HARRIS WINS BY

  • EIGHT POINTS, WARREN BEATS HIM BY 7.

  • BUTTIGIEG AND BOOKER BOTH BEAT HIM BY FIVE.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

  • AND-- AND SOMEHOW-- AND SOMEHOW, BILL DE BLASIO STILL LOSES BY

  • 137%.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, WE ARE LIVE--

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S A LIVE-- THAT'S A LIVE

  • AUDIENCE RIGHT THERE.

  • IT IS JUST CRACKLING WITH TERRORIST IN HERE.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

  • BECAUSE-- WE'RE LIVE AFTER THE FIRST OF TWO DEMOCRATIC

  • PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES.

  • TONIGHT, WEDNESDAY, WAS THE UNDER-CARD PITTING ELIZABETH

  • WARREN, CORY BOOKER, AND BETO O'ROURKE AGAINST SEVEN PEOPLE

  • ANGLING FOR MSNBC WHAT'S YOUR MESSAGE FOR CARDI B

  • AND HER FOLLOWERS.

  • >> I THANK HER VERY MUCH.H3 I'M VERY APPRECIATIVE TO HAVE

  • HER SUPPORT.

  • >> IT'S THE MATCH-UP OF THE CENTURY.

  • LOOK, I DON'T MAKE MONEY MOVES.

  • I MOVIE MONEY FROM THE BILLIONAIRE CLASS TO THE 99%.

  • I'M A DOG.

  • I'M A FLIRT.

  • AND IT'S HIGH TIME WE HAD MEDICARE.

  • IT IS HIGH TIME WE HAD MEDICARE FOR ALL YOU BROKE HO'S.

  • I KNOW A BAD BITCH WHEN I SEE ONE.

  • TELL RI-RI-I NEED A THREE SELL.

  • AFTER NIGHT ONE OF THE DEMOCRATIC DEBATE, THIS IS THE

  • SECOND ROUND OF DEBATES, SO WE'RE CALLING IT "DEMOCRATIC

  • DEBATE NIGHT-- TOO MANY CANDIDATES TO REMEMBER FORGET

  • HARDER."

  • JOE BIDEN BROKE THE ICE WITH HARRIS RIGHT OFF THE TOP.

  • TOP.

  • >> TO WHICH HARRIS RESPONDED, "I HOPE YOU'RE WEARING A CUP."

  • >> BIDEN DID WELL ENOUGH TO STOP SOME OF THE FEARS BUT NOT TO

  • GIVE PEOPLE THAT OVERWHELMING CONFIDENCE THIS IS OUR GUY.

  • >> I THINK BIDEN DID OKAY.

  • >> HE CAME THROUGH IT JUST FINE.

  • >> HE DID WELL ENOUGH.

  • WAS HE AMAZING?

  • WAS HE PERFECT?

  • WAS HE ENTIRELY CONSISTENT?

  • NO.

  • >> Stephen: THERE YOU HAVE IT.

  • DEMOCRATS HAVE GONE FROM, "YES WE CAN," TO "THAT WILL DO.

  • I'LL TAKE IT."

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "I'LL TAKE IT.

  • I'M FINE WITH THAT."

  • >> Jon: YOU LIKE THAT.

  • >> Stephen: I'M FINE WITH THAT.

  • BUT THERE'S PLENTY OF TIME, RIGHT?

  • THE ELECTION IS STILL 16 MONTHS AWAY.

  • YOU GOTTA HAVE A LOT OF PEOPLE AT FIRST, RIGHT?

  • IT'S LIKE-- IT'S LIKE-- IT'S LIKE SEA TURTLES HATCHING ON A

  • BEACH, OKAY.

  • LOTS OF BIRDS CIRCLING OVERHEAD, BUT THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF THEM.

  • ONE OF THEM HAS TO MAKE IT TO THE WATER.

  • PLUS IT'S GOING TO BE SO FUN TO WATCH THOSE BIRDS DRAG OFF BILL

  • DE BLASIO.

  • >> Jon: OH!

  • OH!

  • >> Stephen: CIRCLE OF LIFE.

  • SENATOR KAMALA HARRIS JUST ANNOUNCED SHE IS DROPPING OUT OF

  • THE RACE.

  • RACE.

  • ( EXPLOSION ) THERE SHE IS, OFF TO LOW ORBIT.

  • WHEN IT COMES TO NOT BEING THE FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT, SHE WAS

  • THAT LITTLE GIRL.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) SENATOR...

  • >> Jon: OOOOH!

  • >> Stephen: YOU'RE WELCOME.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) HARRIS WASN'T ALONE IN LEAVING

  • THE RACE.

  • ON MONDAY, MONTANA GOVERNOR STEVE BULLOCK ALSO DROPPED OUT.

  • UNFORTUNATELY, DUE TO HIS LOW POLL NUMBERS, BULLOCK DID NOT

  • QUALIFY TO BE IN THIS JOKE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT IT'S HARD FOR ME NOT TO TAKE

  • THIS A LITTLE PERSONALLY BECAUSE YOU SEE BOTH HARRIS AND BULLOCK

  • HAD MEMORABLE APPEARANCE HERE'S ON "THE LATE SHOW"."

  • HARRIS WAS ON THE SHOW FOUR TIMES, INCLUDING JUST TWO WEEKS

  • AGO FOR HER LAST APPEARANCE ON LATE NIGHT AS A CANDIDATE.

  • AND REMEMBER WHO ANNOUNCED THEY WERE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT ON MY

  • SHOW?

  • KIRSTEN GILLIBRAND AND ERIC SWALWELL.

  • I AM OFFICIALLY THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY KISS OF DEATH.

  • THIS ISN'T FOR SURE, BUT IT MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH

  • MY GREEN WROOM I STORE MY LADDER, BROKEN MIRROR, AND BLACK

  • CAT COLLECTION.

  • IF I'M GOING TO BE A JINX, I MIGHT AS WELL USE IT TO HELP

  • AMERICA.

  • JOHN DELANEY, COME ON THIS SHOW.

  • IT'S TIME.

  • THIS WEEK, MAYOR BLOOMBERG MET WITH VOTERS IN BURLINGTON,

  • VERMONT, AND SHOOK A DOG'S FACE.

  • NO!

  • BAD BILLIONAIRE!

  • BAD!

  • DOWN, MIKE!

  • DOWN!

  • THE DOG ACTUALLY SEEMED TO LIKE IT.

  • SO NOW BLOOMBERG DOES THE SAME THING WITH ALL THE BABIES HE

  • MEETS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THERE IS-- THERE IS JUST SO MUCH

  • TO TALK ABOUT TONIGHT, JON.

  • WE TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFORE.

  • >> Jon: YES, YES, YES.

  • >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT THE SUPER BOWL.

  • WE'VE GOT IMPEACHMENT.

  • WE'VE GOT GROUNDHOG DAY.

  • AND WE'RE CALLING OUR COVERAGE SUPER PEACH HAWK COCK.

  • YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT DOES NOT LOOK AS GOOD AS I THOUGHT IT

  • WOULD.

  • LET'S JUST GO WITH MONDAY.

  • NOW WITH ALL THE POLLS RELATIVELY TIGHT, THE CANDIDATES

  • ARE GETTING NASTIER WITH EACH OTHER, ESPECIALLY JOE BIDEN AND

  • PETE BUTTIGEIG, SEEN HERE COSPLAYING AS FATHER TIME AND

  • BABY NEW YEAR.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ON SATURDAY, ON SATURDAY, BIDEN

  • SAID THIS ABOUT BUTTIGIEG: >> IS THIS A ACT OF DESPERATION

  • ON YOUR CAMPAIGN TO BE MAKING THIS--

  • >> COME ON MAN.

  • >> MAKING THIS ASSERTION RIGHT NOW OF MAYOR BUTTIGIEG.

  • >> THIS GUY IS NOT A BARACK OBAMA.

  • >> Stephen: IS BARACK OBAMA THE ONLY MEASURE OF THINGS THAT

  • ARE GOOD?

  • "OH, MAN, THIS TURKEY RUBEN IS A REAL BARACK OBAMA.

  • I'LL TELL YOU, WHEN I'M DONE, LET'S HIT THE ROAD BECAUSE THE

  • BATHROOM HERE IS NO BARACK OBAMA.

  • " AFTER HER PERFORMANCE IN THE NEVADA DEBATE, WARREN IS BACK ON

  • THE MAP THANKS TO HER HAMMERING OF FORMER NEW YORK CITY MAYOR

  • MICHAEL BLOOMBERG.

  • BLOOMBERG HAD NOT PARTICIPATED IN ANY OF THE DEMOCRATIC

  • DEBATES, AND RIGHT OFF THE BAT, WARREN HIT HIM WITH THE BAT.

  • >> I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT WHO WE'RE RUNNING AGAINST.

  • A BILLIONAIRE WHO CALLS WOMEN FAT BROADS AND HORSE-FACED

  • LESBIANS.

  • AND, NO, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT DONALD TRUMP.

  • I'M TALKING ABOUT MAYOR BLOOMBERG.

  • >> Jon: OH!

  • >> Stephen: OH, THAT'S GOT TO STING.

  • THOUGH, WE DID KNOW YOU WEREN'T TALKING ABOUT DONALD TRUMP

  • BECAUSE YOU SAID "BILLIONAIRE."

  • WARREN-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: THE POINT OF THAT

  • PRESS CONFERENCE WAS NOT PUBLIC HEALTH, BY THE WAY.

  • AS THE "WASHINGTON POST" PUT IT, OFFICIALS AT TRUMP'S CORONAVIRUS

  • BRIEFING FOCUSED ON PREVENTING THE SPREAD OF CRITICISM OF

  • TRUMP.

  • YES, AND THAT IS VERY CONTAGIOUS.

  • EVERYONE I KNOW HAS IT.

  • I MIGHT BE PATIENT ZERO.

  • AND THIS DESIRE-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • THIS DESIRE-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • GOT TO BE CAREFUL.

  • STIER MAY HAVE SENSED THE END WAS NEAR FOR HIS CAMPAIGN,

  • BECAUSE THE NIGHT BEFORE HE REALLY CUT LOOSE AT A RALLY

  • WHERE HE JOINED RAPPER JUVENILE ON STAGE FOR HIS HIT "BACK THAT

  • AS UP."

  • A WHITE BILLIONAIRE DANCING WITH JUVENILE TO A SONG ABOUT BUTTS.

  • THE 2020 CAMPAIGN IS OFFICIALLY A MAD-LIB.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) LET'S BID FAREWELL TO THESE

  • THREE CANDIDATES.

  • JIM, CAN YOU PUT THEM ALL UP?

  • FIRST, MAYOR PETE.

  • THANK YOU FOR YOUR CAMPAIGN EFFORTS.

  • AND IT LOOKS LIKE JORDAN.

  • BIDEN'S ALREADY TAKEN OVER HIS PLACE.

  • AND NOW AMY KLOBUCHAR, OH, JOE'S LURG HER WITH HOT DISH.

  • SHE CAN'T RESIST.

  • AND SHE'S OUT OF HERE!

  • AND FINALLY, WE SAY GOOD-BYE TO TOM STEYER, RIDING HIGH OFF HIS

  • WIN.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) TRUMP ALSO HELD A REALLY LAST

  • NIGHT.

  • HE WAS IN THE SUPER TUESDAY STATE OF NOWK, AND HE PANDERED

  • IN A REALLY STRANGE WAY.

  • >> YOU KNOW, ERIC AND LAURA NAMED THEIR DAUGHTER.

  • YOU KNOW WHAT HER NAME IS?

  • CAROLINA.

  • CAROLINA.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HER NAME IS CAROLINA FOR A

  • REASON.

  • >> Stephen: FOR A REASON?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) ARE HIS GRAND KIDS NAMED AFTER

  • THINGS HE NEEDS TO WIN REELECTION?

  • "THESE ARE MY GRANDDAUGHTERS, CAROLINA AND PENNSYLVANIA.

  • THOSE ARE MY GRANDSONS, VOTER SUPPRESSION, RUST BELT COAL

  • MINOR WHO VOTES AGAINST HIS ECONOMIC SELF-INTEREST, AND, OF

  • COURSE-- AND OF COURSE LITTLE KU KLUXESXKENNY.

  • I LOVE YOU.