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  • -Welcome to "The Tonight Show."

  • Let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, after spending four days in the hospital,

  • last night, President Trump arrived

  • back at the White House

  • and it was quite a scene. Take a look.

  • -Walking out the doors of Walter Reed,

  • boarding Marine One for his flight back to the White House,

  • where he marched up the steps.

  • -And then, the president, who is still contagious,

  • did something remarkable.

  • He took off his mask.

  • And the president,

  • who is supposed to be in isolation,

  • then walked inside to a room full of people.

  • [ Laughter ] -Pssh!

  • -There's a lot to unpack here.

  • First, why would he use the White House entrance

  • with the most stairs?

  • [ Laughter ] I mean,

  • I've never seen him climb those steps in four years.

  • I mean, why would he do that now?

  • The Obamas were in perfect shape

  • and they never climbed those steps.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Seriously, I'm not sure it was safe for him

  • to climb 22 steps before COVID.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It felt like that famous scene where Rocky climbs up the steps,

  • but everyone behind him is running

  • in the opposite direction.

  • [ Laughter ] ♪ Bene womp! ♪

  • Buna -- fleneh wah

  • I'm trying to do the reverse -- -The reverse of an A chord?

  • [ Laughter ] -[ Clapping ]

  • Wanah wonk

  • -No, no. -No?

  • -1.8 million, no, no, no.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Good for him. He made it to the top,

  • where he was greeted by some staffers

  • showing off their best, "Oh, my God.

  • We're so glad you're back" face.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Then, the big reveal atop the balcony,

  • he took off his mask

  • and you could almost hear him being like...

  • [ As Trump ] Ta-da!

  • And, now, for my next trick,

  • I will make everyone in the White House disappear.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Trump pulled off that mask like he was revealing

  • that he'd been his twin brother the whole time.

  • [ Changes accent ] You fools, it was me, Ronald!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The entire time.

  • That's the craziest thing he's ever done on that balcony,

  • and that's the same place where he looked

  • straight into an eclipse.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • If you're worried Trump didn't use that mask again, don't be.

  • He then used it to turn every doorknob.

  • [ As Trump ] Safety first.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Safety first. Now, you close it.

  • Now, you close it.

  • [ Laughter ] -Ew!

  • -When he got back to the White House,

  • Trump tweeted a video where he once again

  • downplayed the virus. Listen to this.

  • -I just left Walter Reed Medical Center

  • and it's really something very special.

  • And I learned so much about coronavirus

  • and one thing that's for certain --

  • don't let it dominate you.

  • Don't be afraid of it.

  • You're going to beat it.

  • And I know there's a risk, there's a danger,

  • but that's okay.

  • And, now, I'm better and maybe I'm immune.

  • I don't know.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ As Trump ] I don't know. Maybe I'm Spider-Man.

  • [ Laughter ] Maybe I have Spidey powers

  • and I can climb up the White House.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It feels like that part of the movie

  • where Trump was bitten by a werewolf

  • and plays it off like it's no big deal. He's like --

  • [ As Trump ] Totally fine. Never better.

  • Sure, I howl at the Moon and I have a taste for humans,

  • but, mostly, a-okay.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Trump's still sick and he thinks he's immune. He's like --

  • [ As Trump ] I just tested negative.

  • I just peed on a nasal swab

  • five minutes ago, so. [ Laughter ]

  • Could we look into that?

  • Also, I'm pretty sure Trump has become our first

  • vlogger-in-chief. [ Laughter ]

  • [ As Trump ] What's up, fam?

  • It's your boy DJ T.

  • [ Laughter ] Just got out of the hospital.

  • Feeling hundo p.

  • Be sure to like and subscribe and check out my merch.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, after all that, Trump is back in the White House,

  • but it's a very different White House

  • than the one he left just a few days ago. Watch this.

  • Yeah, Trump staffers want to work somewhere safer,

  • so they all booked tickets for a Carnival cruise.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right, the White House is practically empty.

  • Things are so bad, today Trump had to write

  • a tell-all book about himself.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It is not a great scene over there.

  • Tonight Trump was outside Melania's door,

  • whispering through the keyhole...

  • [ As Trump ] ♪ Do you want to build a snowman? ♪

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But the White House is taking some precautions.

  • For example, the press briefing room was thoroughly sanitized.

  • Take a look at this.

  • There you go, yep.

  • Later, that same guy was seen

  • spraying Diet Coke directly into Trump's mouth.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • As if all this wasn't crazy enough,

  • it now appears that the top members of the military

  • have also been exposed to the virus.

  • -All but one member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff

  • are now under quarantine,

  • this after a top Coast Guard official

  • tested positive for coronavirus after visiting...

  • the White House. -This is nuts.

  • Our top military leaders are working from home!

  • Right now, there's a four-star general

  • getting really into sourdough bread.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's comforting to know that, if someone were to attack,

  • our officials will be quickly trying to figure out

  • a Zoom link.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Let's change gears here.

  • I saw that Apple is now involved

  • in a pretty interesting lawsuit. Listen to this.

  • -Apple is suing a former

  • recycling partner in Canada

  • for allegedly not doing its job.

  • Apple claims the recycling company

  • actually resold more than 100,000 iPhones, iPads,

  • and Apple Watches that it was supposed to destroy.

  • -Apple was like, "Hey! Reselling the same phone

  • over and over is our thing."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Apparently, the recycling company

  • sold some of the old phones and then kept the rest

  • in a random kitchen drawer, like everyone else.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "This'll be worth something someday."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Listen to this. Yesterday, Governor Phil Murphy

  • tweeted that "Halloween is ON"

  • in New Jersey this year.

  • [ Laughing and scoffing ]

  • Halloween's very special in New Jersey.

  • It's the first time parents get to see their kids

  • go door-to-door making "collections."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Italian accent ] This is it?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'll be back for the rest tomorrow,

  • and you better have it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Check this out. I read about a man

  • who paid for a billboard

  • advertising a date with him back in January.

  • And good news --

  • he now has a girlfriend.

  • [ Cheering and applause ] Yeah.

  • [ Whistling ]

  • Though it got weird today when there was

  • a giant billboard that said...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And, finally, a new study just came out that says...

  • ...and there's no part of their brain

  • that can tell the difference

  • between the front and back of humans' heads.

  • [ Laughter ] -Hm.

  • -Yes, yes, yes, these are

  • the scientific breakthroughs we want right now.

  • [ Laughter ]

-Welcome to "The Tonight Show."

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Trump Thinks He's Immune to the Coronavirus Now | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/10/24
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