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  • -Hey, everybody. Thank you so much for tuning in.

  • Thanks for watching "The Tonight Show."

  • My name's Jimmy Fallon, and that is the Roots right over there,

  • ladies and gentlemen. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, the big story is still the Supreme Court,

  • and today it looks like the Republicans cleared

  • an important hurdle.

  • -Senator Lindsey Graham,

  • the chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee,

  • now says the Republicans have the votes to confirm

  • President Trump's nominee to fill Justice Ginsburg's seat

  • before the election, before they even know who the nominee is.

  • -That's right.

  • 51 out of 53 Republicans are now on board

  • while the other two stick out like masks at a MAGA rally.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right. The Republicans

  • are really backing Trump on this.

  • They were like, "We got him through Mueller,

  • the impeachment, and that time he called America

  • 'the United Schess.'

  • We're not stopping now."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Now it sounds like a vote could be held in just a few weeks.

  • Man, we haven't seen Republicans move this fast

  • since Men's Warehouse had a closing sale.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Seriously, you can tell Senate Republicans

  • are loving life right now.

  • They haven't been this happy since "Blue Bloods"

  • started streaming on Hulu.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's pretty wild.

  • The Republicans are in favor of Trump's nominee,

  • and he hasn't named one yet.

  • Even the people who got engaged on "Love Is Blind" were like,

  • "Don't you want to see who it is first?"

  • How do you agree to put someone on the Supreme Court

  • before you know who they are?

  • I don't even pick up a phone call

  • when I don't know who it is.

  • Unknown? I know like four of those people.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm not gonna pick up right now.

  • I still can't believe we're letting Trump make that choice.

  • He's terrible at hiring people.

  • Everyone he's ever hired is either fired, in prison,

  • or in Steve Bannon's case, almost both.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, guys, last night in Ohio Trump held another rally,

  • and he said something pretty interesting

  • about who the coronavirus affects.

  • Watch this.

  • -We now know the disease. We didn't know it.

  • Now we know it.

  • It affects elderly people,

  • elderly people with heart problems and other problems.

  • Nobody young.

  • Below the age of 18, like nobody.

  • But it affects virtually nobody.

  • It's an amazing thing.

  • -Well, I think he's officially done up-playing the virus.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Trump said the virus affects "virtually nobody."

  • Then somebody in the front row sneezed,

  • and Trump hit the floor like he dropped his remote.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • After Trump made that comment,

  • doctors and nurses wanted to respond,

  • but they're currently in the middle of a 4,000-hour shift.

  • Affects virtually nobody? How could he say that?

  • Right now my entire staff is dressed like

  • a bunch of welders who went scuba diving.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, as COVID cases begin to rise again in the U.K.,

  • Prime Minister Boris Johnson has decided to take action.

  • -We are once again asking office workers

  • who can work from home to do so.

  • Unless we palpably make progress, we should assume that

  • the restrictions I've announced will remain in place

  • for perhaps six months.

  • -Yeah, people immediately promised to follow the rules

  • because if they don't, Boris Johnson threatened

  • to send them to America.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Can we see Boris Johnson again?

  • Yeah. It's not good when Americans look at him and say,

  • "I wish we had someone like that."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, listen to this.

  • I read that Walmart is going to start delivering

  • COVID-19 test kits by drone.

  • Yep. The good news -- there's a new COVID drone from Walmart.

  • The bad news -- it's being operated by

  • an 85-year-old greeter.

  • "Hold still. Here comes the airplane."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm no expert, but if you told me 20 years ago

  • we'd have flying drones delivering pandemic test kits

  • to our house, I'd say things did not go well.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Some sports news.

  • On Sunday, a few NFL coaches

  • didn't wear masks on the sidelines.

  • And now they're being punished by the league.

  • Check it out.

  • -The NFL has dished out more than $1 million in fines

  • for coaches not wearing masks on the sidelines on Sunday.

  • Three head coaches -- Seattle's Pete Carroll,

  • Denver's Vic Fangio,

  • and San Francisco's Kyle Shanahan

  • each fined $100,000.

  • -$100,000.

  • Even for them, that's a lot of money.

  • To put that into perspective,

  • punching a ref is just 50 bucks and an apology.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, over $1 million in fines or,

  • as Trump put it, "virtually nothing."

  • Yep, they want the coaches wearing masks.

  • Meanwhile, the maskless players all ran back

  • to the ventless locker room and showered together.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, this isn't good.

  • After launching less than six months ago,

  • the streaming platform Quibi is now exploring a potential sale.

  • Quibi actually announced they were for sale a few months ago,

  • but no one saw it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Quibi failed when everyone was home doing nothing.

  • That's like offering water at the end of a marathon

  • and every runner is like, "Nah, I'm good."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "I'm just extremely thirsty is all."

  • Actually, I like Quibi

  • because it's the only thing in 2020 that seemed to go fast.

  • And finally, this is a strange anniversary.

  • 60 years ago today

  • President Nixon ate half a sandwich in Illinois.

  • Listen to what happened to the other half.

  • -I picked it up and hopped on my bicycle and sped home.

  • I said, "Mom, I've got the sandwich

  • that Nixon took a couple bites out of."

  • I stuck it in the freezer,

  • and that's the way it still is today, 60 years later.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -And 60 years from now,

  • his grandkid will show off Trump's half-eaten Big Mac.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm just kidding. He didn't leave half.

-Hey, everybody. Thank you so much for tuning in.

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Trump’s Unnamed Justice Nominee Has GOP Support | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/10/24
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