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  • -Thank you for tuning in to "The Tonight Show."

  • I appreciate that applause,

  • even if it's just from your home.

  • If you're watching from home and applauding from your bedrooms,

  • I really appreciate that.

  • [ Cheers and applause ] Hey...

  • Thank you.

  • It makes me feel at home because I usually get a lot of applause.

  • No. I...

  • I... Oh, yeah. Alright.

  • No, that was a jo-- Alright. It was a bedroom joke.

  • But whatever. Hey, look.

  • I used to get a lot of boos, if you know talking about.

  • Not anymore. Not anymore.

  • I get a lot of applause in the bedroom.

  • Starts off with a little bit of booze.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Hey, let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Those jokes aren't written, guys.

  • That's just coming off the top of my head.

  • I'm just riffing. -Freestyle.

  • [ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you.

  • [ Breathes deeply ]

  • Let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, the presidential election is in just two weeks.

  • It's so close.

  • That's just one quarantine away, if you think about it.

  • Yeah, before we start the show, guys,

  • I just want to remind everyone to vote.

  • Seriously, if you haven't registered yet, do it right now.

  • This isn't something you put off, like a dentist appointment

  • or raking leaves or a national plan to fight the pandemic.

  • Vote.

  • But with two weeks left, here is where things

  • currently stand.

  • According to most national polls,

  • Joe Biden is leading President Trump

  • by about 10 points.

  • And based on the last election,

  • that means Biden is losing by 4 points.

  • Yep, for Democrats, it still feels eerily similar

  • to the 2016 election.

  • It is like "Friday the 13th,"

  • when the kids think Jason's finally dead,

  • and you're like, "He's right behind you!"

  • Yeah, according to the polls, Trump is getting crushed.

  • Right now, all of America is wondering

  • who is going to lose their job first,

  • the President of the United States

  • or the head coach of the Jets.

  • -Ooh! -Ooh!

  • -And things have gotten so bad for Trump,

  • Republicans are now distancing themselves from him.

  • And his own advisers think that he's in trouble.

  • When asked why he isn't more depressed,

  • Trump was like, "Steroids."

  • Steroids, steroids, steroids

  • Steroids, steroids, ster-- Ooh! ♪

  • Steroids, steroids, ste-- Yeah! ♪

  • Republicans sound like every guy

  • in the beginning of "Law & Order"

  • who lies about knowing the criminal.

  • They're like, "You said his name was Trump?

  • "No, that doesn't ring any bells."

  • That doesn't ring any bells-s-s-s."

  • But Trump is doing whatever he can to get back in the race.

  • Yesterday, at his rally in Nevada,

  • he tried to attack Biden,

  • but I'm not sure he picked the best way to do it.

  • -If you vote for Biden, he will surrender your jobs to China.

  • He will surrender your future to the virus.

  • He's going to lock down. This guy wants to lock down.

  • He'll listen to the scientists.

  • If I listened, totally to the scientists,

  • we would, right now, have a country

  • that would be in a massive depression.

  • -Wait.

  • -Trump then added, "Listening to scientists

  • is the craziest thing in the whole wide flat world."

  • He's basically saying, "Don't listen to the scientists.

  • Listen to me, a guy who was just revived

  • by a team of scientists."

  • I'm not sure if a global pandemic is the best time

  • to mock someone for listening to scientists.

  • If your neighbor's house was on fire, you wouldn't be like,

  • "Oh, what are you going to do?

  • Call a firefighter?"

  • Yeah, Trump said if we listen to the scientists,

  • we'd have a country in a massive depression.

  • And it's a good thing we didn't, 'cause look at us now.

  • We're thriving.

  • [ Ominous music playing ]

  • [ Music continues ]

  • [ Music continues ]

  • And later on in the rally...

  • [ Applause ] Thank you.

  • Later on in the rally,

  • Trump talked about his experience battling COVID.

  • It sounded kind of strange. Listen to this.

  • -I had 12 doctors around the bed,

  • and every one was grabbing a different part of my body.

  • I did not like it.

  • ♪♪

  • -Wait. Was Trump taken to Walter Reed

  • or abducted by aliens?

  • [ As Trump ] Every part of my body was being

  • flipped around and inside out and upside down."

  • Meanwhile, the other patients at the hospital

  • were like, "Hello?

  • Does anyone work here? I'm flatlining.

  • Hello?!"

  • Yep, Trump either had 12 doctors grabbing

  • different parts of his body or he was on some crazy meds

  • and fell asleep to the Playboy Channel.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • When is the last time you heard that reference?

  • Guys, I'm not sure if you saw this.

  • Last week, at another rally,

  • Trump did some pretty strange dance moves at the end.

  • People are giving Trump flak for it,

  • but turns out, he was actually just doing a TikTok challenge.

  • Check it out.

  • ♪♪

  • The invisible bowl. Invisible bowl.

  • ♪♪

  • -♪ Steroids, steroids, steroids

  • Steroids, steroids, steroids

  • Steroids, steroids, steroids

  • ♪♪

  • -Here's another -- Sorry.

  • Here's another big election story.

  • Today, Trump had a call with his campaign staff

  • where he attacked Dr. Fauci.

  • Check it out.

  • -The president called Anthony Fauci,

  • who was on "60 Minutes" last night --

  • He called him a disaster.

  • And he said, "People are tired of hearing Fauci

  • and all these idiots.

  • These people -- these people have gotten it wrong.

  • Fauci's a nice guy. He's been here for 500 years."

  • -Trump referred to Fauci and other scientists as "idiots"

  • and then he planned another giant indoor rally

  • in a COVID hot spot.

  • No, that's right -- Fauci's the idiot.

  • -♪ Young man, are you listening to me? ♪

  • ♪ I said, young man... ♪

  • ♪♪

  • -Meanwhile, Dr. Birx was like, "Hey, do you guys remember me?

  • What happened to me?

  • Remember I used to stand next to Dr. Fauci all the time,

  • with the scarves and everything?

  • Remember me, Dr. Birx?

  • I exist, right? Am I real?"

  • Remember Dr. Birx?

  • -No. Who's that?

  • -Dr. Birx. It was that one episode of --

  • -Oh, Fauci's sidekick.

  • -Yes.

  • -Yeah.

  • That's how the game goes, man. Nobody remembers Robin.

  • You know?

  • -I do.

  • You know Robin's going to be a big movie, man.

  • Oh, I couldn't think of a Robyn song.

  • I was going to go like...

  • Why waste your time? ♪

  • You know you wanna be mine

  • No, I know. That's not Robyn.

  • No, I know it's not Robyn, but --

  • It's not Robyn, but it's something.

  • -That made it worth it,

  • just for that reference.

  • -No, but who... [ Laughter ]

  • Why waste it's your time?

  • You know you wanna be mine

  • You know you wanna be mine

  • -What were you doing in 1995, man?

  • -With two weeks left until Election Day,

  • candidates are making their closing arguments

  • to really drive home their message.

  • Here's one from Trump.

  • ♪♪

  • -You know, Oprah used to be a friend of mine

  • before I went into politics.

  • She'd be down at Mar-a-Lago a lot.

  • She liked our key lime pie.

  • ♪♪

  • -[ Laughs ]

  • "She liked our key lime pie."

  • Why waste it's your time? ♪

  • You know you like my key lime pie

  • Let's change gears.

  • I heard that AMC Theatres is now offering a new way

  • to go to the movies during the pandemic.

  • Listen to this.

  • -The country's largest movie-theater chain

  • now allowing guests to rent out an entire theater

  • for up to 20 people.

  • The private showings begin at $99.

  • -Yeah, nothing lifts your spirits like watching

  • "Sonic the Hedgehog" in an abandoned building.

  • Yeah, you can rent out the entire theater to yourself,

  • but, somehow, there will still be a person who walks in

  • and sits right next to you.

  • "How you doing? I'm a lefty. I have to use this armrest."

  • Yeah, for $99, it'll be just you, the movie,

  • and the bed-bug civilization that moved in seven months ago.

  • Hey, some big sports news.

  • I want to say congrats to the L.A. Dodgers

  • and the Tampa Bay Rays for making it to the World Series!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Game 1 is tomorrow night. And this is annoying.

  • At the same time, the Dodgers and the Rays are playing on Fox,

  • NBC is airing a competing World Series with

  • the Astros and Braves.

  • And, finally, this made me laugh.

  • A woman saw a cake on Pinterest that she wanted to re-create

  • for her brother's birthday, but it didn't turn out that well.

  • Here is what she asked for.

  • Here's what she received.

  • -Ugh!

  • -That's the ultimate "expectations for 2020,

  • actual 2020."

-Thank you for tuning in to "The Tonight Show."

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Trump Is Getting Crushed in the Polls | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/10/23
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