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  • I was right next to you when you found out.

  • I know how devastating it was.

  • Call me if you need me, all right?

  • - Okay. - Is that your dad?

  • Oh, my God, my dad's making out

  • with Stacey Moorehead's mom.

  • We made a deal to do it together.

  • I sent my mom the video, and you did nothing on your end.

  • - I know we made a pact, but-- - No, you broke a pact.

  • I need to know your story with Farrah.

  • [Hook] Farrah and I have been friends since second grade.

  • Nothing's happened between us.

  • I hate The Crotch.

  • He undermines everything we do around here.

  • The principal's son is The Crotch, that is so rad.

  • [Farrah] Cerberus is obviously someone in this high school.

  • We just have to figure out who it is.

  • - So you're Cerberus. - I am.

  • So what do you want from us?

  • I want in on The Crotch officially.

  • - Hello, Cerberus. - Hot Jayne found me?

  • - What you want, Dipankar? - I wanna make a deal with you.

  • The three of us can be The Crotch.

  • [upbeat music playing]

  • [computer rings]

  • - [Will] Hey, Farrah. - Hey.

  • You know, for some reason in this moment,

  • I really can't wait to see you.

  • [scoffs] This pose is called the broken cricket.

  • Guess I'm fantasizing about a broken cricket then.

  • [scoffs]

  • [Farrah] Is all really fair in love and war?

  • [Will] Hold on a sec.

  • [Farrah] Both have rules of engagement,

  • but the rules change so much,

  • nobody ever really gets good at them.

  • Ooh la la!

  • I'm definitely coming home for fall break.

  • Hmm.

  • Hopefully you can make some time

  • for a little broken cricket,

  • maybe some downward dog.

  • Okay, don't be gross.

  • [computer beeping]

  • You need to get that?

  • - No, I'm good. - [beeping continues]

  • Isn't it kind of essential to concentrate

  • - when you're doing yoga? - Yes.

  • - Just go see what they want. - Okay. Bye.

  • [Farrah] And then there are the rules of war,

  • which are even more ambiguous than love.

  • The word "rules" implies there are boundaries

  • everyone agrees you shouldn't cross.

  • [drumline music playing]

  • [sighs]

  • - Don't freak out. - I'm freaking out.

  • - Don't. - Too late, and my mother's

  • probably inside the house freaking out right now, too.

  • Did you try to take the post down?

  • I can't. He locked me out. Dip is already out of control.

  • I mean, wasn't the agreement that we're supposed

  • to work together as a team?

  • I didn't agree to this post. Did you agree to it?

  • - You know I didn't. - Exactly. That's what I mean.

  • He is in violation of some sort of ethics breach.

  • Calm down, okay? Okay?

  • The Crotch is like a new toy to him.

  • He chose the bikini picture for a little shock value.

  • I don't care about the bikini.

  • That is my dead dad in that photo, okay,

  • taken on our last vacation together as a family.

  • So there's probably more than a little shock value there for me.

  • [Farrah] That's the thing about war.

  • The whole point isn't to be fair.

  • It's to win.

  • [grunts]

  • - [mic feedback] - [theme song plays]

  • In a manner of speaking

  • ♪ I don't think we'll be speaking at all

  • [Superintendent Moorehead] But to post a stolen personal photo

  • on the Internet is an attack.

  • Make no mistake about it. The Crotch is a bully.

  • And as the superintendent, I won't tolerate it.

  • Here's how we're gonna handle it.

  • Either The Crotch comes forward and takes responsibility

  • or all Homecoming events are canceled.

  • [students murmuring]

  • [Superintendent Moorehead] Whoever you are,

  • you have until noon to reveal yourself.

  • Dude, this is crap.

  • How could they cancel Homecoming?

  • This is a full-on shit storm.

  • Shit clouds, shit lightning, shit hail.

  • I know, but maybe the threat will calm him down a little.

  • [cell phones chime]

  • Or make him more insane.

  • [drumline music playing]

  • [students exclaiming]

  • "Come and get me, PILF."

  • And another photo of my parents from their honeymoon.

  • What the hell?

  • So glad I let you talk me into a deal with a sociopath.

  • How did he get these photos?

  • Does he even tech your mom's computer?

  • No, I do all her computer work.

  • I have no idea how he's getting them.

  • Look, I'll go talk to him.

  • Don't piss him off, okay?

  • Who knows what else this maniac has.

  • I'll keep it civil.

  • [sighs]

  • [phone slams]

  • [whirring]

  • How do you have time for official school business

  • with all this aggressive posting?

  • You'd be surprised how many kids lose their school IDs per week.

  • So what, you have to drop those off

  • at Principal Cowher's office from time to time?

  • Maybe the office is empty, the computer is unlocked?

  • Is that how you got the photos?

  • Seems plausible.

  • So basically the principal trusts you,

  • and PILF is how you repay her.

  • Oh, let's not get all high and mighty.

  • The other Crotch passed through her vagina,

  • and he posted about her, too.

  • Cowher never posted like you do.

  • She's a public figure in the school.

  • She's fair game.

  • By the way, do you think her tits are real?

  • You're smarter than this, Dip.

  • You know that these posts aren't going to lead

  • to an actual working partnership.

  • But they do make people chatter,

  • and that's the whole point, isn't it?

  • It's not very progressive of you to want to censor the post

  • just because you don't like the content.

  • Come on, if you want The Crotch deal to work,

  • you're gonna have to play by the same set of rules

  • as the rest of us.

  • [sighs] Ambiguous rules.

  • Now see, what if I found something damning

  • on Stacey Moorehead's hard drive?

  • [scoffs]

  • Would you be cool if I posted that?

  • No, and don't bait me.

  • Oh, am I baiting you?

  • Or do I actually have something on her

  • that you're just dying to know about?

  • I'm not doing this.

  • Hey, it's almost the noon deadline,

  • and I assume you're not coming forward.

  • So I guess Homecoming's toast.

  • Not like you had a date anyway.

  • [sighs]

  • [drumline music playing]

  • [squeals]

  • I have never seen you like this.

  • I know it's so old-fashioned to care about it, like...

  • Brandon Swain.

  • - Okay, who are you right now? - I don't know. [laughs]

  • - What are we talking about? - Oh, just the fact

  • that Hurley needs a good-looking guy for validation.

  • Oh.

  • Kamala Harris is not gonna revoke my pussy hat

  • because I wanna go to Homecoming with a guy

  • that I have had a crush on since the second grade.

  • Since when were you going to ask Brandon Swain to Homecoming?

  • Brandon Swain asked her to Homecoming this morning.

  • Just totally out of the blue.

  • Oh, really? I had no idea you were working on that.

  • - That's amazing. - Uh, well, yeah, it was amazing

  • until an hour later when they canceled it.

  • [scoffs] The Ilo thing ended in suck.

  • Every other guy ended in suck, and then all of a sudden,

  • a nice guy likes me, and it's not just any nice guy.

  • It's Brandon Swain.

  • Do you know that I scrapbooked

  • a piece of his chewed gum in the sixth grade?

  • - That is frightening. - Yeah.

  • I need a Diet Coke. Anyone want?

  • [sighs]

  • Diet Coke? Okay, this is serious.

  • If only we knew who The Crotch was,

  • - maybe we could save Homecoming. - Subtle.

  • Look, I know Cowher wouldn't post those photos of his own mother,

  • and obviously you didn't,

  • which means that your new partner has gone rogue.

  • Oh, very rogue.

  • I just don't understand the why behind whatever he's doing.

  • There's no logic to it.

  • Why does there have to be logic to it?

  • He might just be one of those people who likes

  • to see if he can cause a flood one drop at a time.

  • Those are the worst.

  • You cannot outsmart people like that.

  • So are you saying you don't have a plan?

  • Not yet I don't.

  • This is bad.

  • Yeah, no shit.

  • [Grace] Have you signed the petition to save Homecoming yet?

  • - Look at you, - Bye.

  • our little social justice warrior, version 2.0.

  • Well, I didn't see Farrah helping,

  • so guess that makes me 1.0.

  • No, you're the off-brand knockoff.

  • - Can I talk you for a sec? - Bye, Hook.

  • Or should I even call you that anymore,

  • seeing as you haven't actually hooked anyone up

  • - since your arrest? - Oh, meow.

  • Cute.

  • - What is wrong with you? - What's wrong with you?

  • You are fully entrenched in Camp Gracie.

  • So are you, taking a cut of their snack bar thing.

  • This is different. You've chosen Grace's side.

  • I don't understand why after all that Farrah's done for us.

  • Us? Yeah, okay, maybe she's done a lot for you,

  • - which is shady enough. - She's done nothing for you?

  • Okay, how about a loyal friendship?

  • Friendship is about give and take.

  • Farrah just takes. Grace was right.

  • I can't think of a single thing Farrah's done for me

  • that didn't benefit her more.

  • [knock on door]

  • You knocked first.

  • [sighs] I'm evolving.

  • Why'd you come here?

  • Did you come to tell me about some convoluted

  • half-illegalish 10-step plan to take Dipankar down?

  • No. I don't have a plan.

  • I have no idea what to do about him.

  • - Nothing at all? - If we post something,

  • then we just antagonize him, and he'll post something worse.

  • I don't know, I just don't-- I don't see our play here.

  • If you don't have a plan, then why did you come here?

  • 'Cause I know all of this sucks.

  • I thought maybe you'd want someone to hang out with.

  • I found something online.

  • Whoa. That's really awesome.

  • I mean, it's not that big of a deal.

  • It was like $6, and I don't even know if it works.

  • Let's see.

  • Yeah, I'll have to clean out some battery crust,

  • but I can get this working.

  • - Thanks. - You're welcome.

  • Uh...

  • Can I see the picture on the box?

  • No, that's cheating.

  • [scoffs] Okay, can you at least tell me what the picture is of?

  • Uh, it's a cityscape.

  • Okay, what city?

  • [in French] Paris.

  • Oh, my God, you're such a dork.