I know how devastating it was.

Call me if you need me, all right?

- Okay. - Is that your dad?

Oh, my God, my dad's making out

with Stacey Moorehead's mom.

We made a deal to do it together.

I sent my mom the video, and you did nothing on your end.

- I know we made a pact, but-- - No, you broke a pact.

I need to know your story with Farrah.

[Hook] Farrah and I have been friends since second grade.

Nothing's happened between us.

I hate The Crotch.

He undermines everything we do around here.

The principal's son is The Crotch, that is so rad.

[Farrah] Cerberus is obviously someone in this high school.

We just have to figure out who it is.

- So you're Cerberus. - I am.

So what do you want from us?

I want in on The Crotch officially.

- Hello, Cerberus. - Hot Jayne found me?

- What you want, Dipankar? - I wanna make a deal with you.

The three of us can be The Crotch.

[upbeat music playing]

[computer rings]

- [Will] Hey, Farrah. - Hey.

You know, for some reason in this moment,

I really can't wait to see you.

[scoffs] This pose is called the broken cricket.

Guess I'm fantasizing about a broken cricket then.

[scoffs]

[Farrah] Is all really fair in love and war?

[Will] Hold on a sec.

[Farrah] Both have rules of engagement,

but the rules change so much,

nobody ever really gets good at them.

Ooh la la!

I'm definitely coming home for fall break.

Hmm.

Hopefully you can make some time

for a little broken cricket,

maybe some downward dog.

Okay, don't be gross.

[computer beeping]

You need to get that?

- No, I'm good. - [beeping continues]

Isn't it kind of essential to concentrate

- when you're doing yoga? - Yes.

- Just go see what they want. - Okay. Bye.

[Farrah] And then there are the rules of war,

which are even more ambiguous than love.

The word "rules" implies there are boundaries

everyone agrees you shouldn't cross.

[drumline music playing]

[sighs]

- Don't freak out. - I'm freaking out.

- Don't. - Too late, and my mother's

probably inside the house freaking out right now, too.

Did you try to take the post down?

I can't. He locked me out. Dip is already out of control.

I mean, wasn't the agreement that we're supposed

to work together as a team?

I didn't agree to this post. Did you agree to it?

- You know I didn't. - Exactly. That's what I mean.

He is in violation of some sort of ethics breach.

Calm down, okay? Okay?

The Crotch is like a new toy to him.

He chose the bikini picture for a little shock value.

I don't care about the bikini.

That is my dead dad in that photo, okay,

taken on our last vacation together as a family.

So there's probably more than a little shock value there for me.

[Farrah] That's the thing about war.

The whole point isn't to be fair.

It's to win.

[grunts]

- [mic feedback] - [theme song plays]

♪ In a manner of speaking ♪

♪ I don't think we'll be speaking at all ♪

[Superintendent Moorehead] But to post a stolen personal photo

on the Internet is an attack.

Make no mistake about it. The Crotch is a bully.

And as the superintendent, I won't tolerate it.

Here's how we're gonna handle it.

Either The Crotch comes forward and takes responsibility

or all Homecoming events are canceled.

[students murmuring]

[Superintendent Moorehead] Whoever you are,

you have until noon to reveal yourself.

Dude, this is crap.

How could they cancel Homecoming?

This is a full-on shit storm.

Shit clouds, shit lightning, shit hail.

I know, but maybe the threat will calm him down a little.

[cell phones chime]

Or make him more insane.

[drumline music playing]

[students exclaiming]

"Come and get me, PILF."

And another photo of my parents from their honeymoon.

What the hell?

So glad I let you talk me into a deal with a sociopath.

How did he get these photos?

Does he even tech your mom's computer?

No, I do all her computer work.

I have no idea how he's getting them.

Look, I'll go talk to him.

Don't piss him off, okay?

Who knows what else this maniac has.

I'll keep it civil.

[sighs]

[phone slams]

[whirring]

How do you have time for official school business

with all this aggressive posting?

You'd be surprised how many kids lose their school IDs per week.

So what, you have to drop those off

at Principal Cowher's office from time to time?

Maybe the office is empty, the computer is unlocked?

Is that how you got the photos?

Seems plausible.

So basically the principal trusts you,

and PILF is how you repay her.

Oh, let's not get all high and mighty.

The other Crotch passed through her vagina,

and he posted about her, too.

Cowher never posted like you do.

She's a public figure in the school.

She's fair game.

By the way, do you think her tits are real?

You're smarter than this, Dip.

You know that these posts aren't going to lead

to an actual working partnership.

But they do make people chatter,

and that's the whole point, isn't it?

It's not very progressive of you to want to censor the post

just because you don't like the content.

Come on, if you want The Crotch deal to work,

you're gonna have to play by the same set of rules

as the rest of us.

[sighs] Ambiguous rules.

Now see, what if I found something damning

on Stacey Moorehead's hard drive?

[scoffs]

Would you be cool if I posted that?

No, and don't bait me.

Oh, am I baiting you?

Or do I actually have something on her

that you're just dying to know about?

I'm not doing this.

Hey, it's almost the noon deadline,

and I assume you're not coming forward.

So I guess Homecoming's toast.

Not like you had a date anyway.

[sighs]

[drumline music playing]

[squeals]

I have never seen you like this.

I know it's so old-fashioned to care about it, like...

Brandon Swain.

- Okay, who are you right now? - I don't know. [laughs]

- What are we talking about? - Oh, just the fact

that Hurley needs a good-looking guy for validation.

Oh.

Kamala Harris is not gonna revoke my pussy hat

because I wanna go to Homecoming with a guy

that I have had a crush on since the second grade.

Since when were you going to ask Brandon Swain to Homecoming?

Brandon Swain asked her to Homecoming this morning.

Just totally out of the blue.

Oh, really? I had no idea you were working on that.

- That's amazing. - Uh, well, yeah, it was amazing

until an hour later when they canceled it.

[scoffs] The Ilo thing ended in suck.

Every other guy ended in suck, and then all of a sudden,

a nice guy likes me, and it's not just any nice guy.

It's Brandon Swain.

Do you know that I scrapbooked

a piece of his chewed gum in the sixth grade?

- That is frightening. - Yeah.

I need a Diet Coke. Anyone want?

[sighs]

Diet Coke? Okay, this is serious.

If only we knew who The Crotch was,

- maybe we could save Homecoming. - Subtle.

Look, I know Cowher wouldn't post those photos of his own mother,

and obviously you didn't,

which means that your new partner has gone rogue.

Oh, very rogue.

I just don't understand the why behind whatever he's doing.

There's no logic to it.

Why does there have to be logic to it?

He might just be one of those people who likes

to see if he can cause a flood one drop at a time.

Those are the worst.

You cannot outsmart people like that.

So are you saying you don't have a plan?

Not yet I don't.

This is bad.

Yeah, no shit.

[Grace] Have you signed the petition to save Homecoming yet?

- Look at you, - Bye.

our little social justice warrior, version 2.0.

Well, I didn't see Farrah helping,

so guess that makes me 1.0.

No, you're the off-brand knockoff.

- Can I talk you for a sec? - Bye, Hook.

Or should I even call you that anymore,

seeing as you haven't actually hooked anyone up

- since your arrest? - Oh, meow.

Cute.

- What is wrong with you? - What's wrong with you?

You are fully entrenched in Camp Gracie.

So are you, taking a cut of their snack bar thing.

This is different. You've chosen Grace's side.

I don't understand why after all that Farrah's done for us.

Us? Yeah, okay, maybe she's done a lot for you,

- which is shady enough. - She's done nothing for you?

Okay, how about a loyal friendship?

Friendship is about give and take.

Farrah just takes. Grace was right.

I can't think of a single thing Farrah's done for me

that didn't benefit her more.

[knock on door]

You knocked first.

[sighs] I'm evolving.

Why'd you come here?

Did you come to tell me about some convoluted

half-illegalish 10-step plan to take Dipankar down?

No. I don't have a plan.

I have no idea what to do about him.

- Nothing at all? - If we post something,

then we just antagonize him, and he'll post something worse.

I don't know, I just don't-- I don't see our play here.

If you don't have a plan, then why did you come here?

'Cause I know all of this sucks.

I thought maybe you'd want someone to hang out with.

I found something online.

Whoa. That's really awesome.

I mean, it's not that big of a deal.

It was like $6, and I don't even know if it works.

Let's see.

Yeah, I'll have to clean out some battery crust,

but I can get this working.

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

Uh...

Can I see the picture on the box?

No, that's cheating.

[scoffs] Okay, can you at least tell me what the picture is of?

Uh, it's a cityscape.

Okay, what city?

[in French] Paris.

Oh, my God, you're such a dork.