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-Welcome. Thank you so much, everybody.
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Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
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We are coming to you live right now from Studio 6A.
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After the final debate between President Trump and Joe Biden,
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and I think we can all agree the winner was Kristen Welker.
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I mean, come on.
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Knockout.
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Home run.
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Of course, everyone was talking about how there would be
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a mute button used during tonight's debate.
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It seemed like it worked pretty well.
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I'm thinking of getting one for Thanksgiving.
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The muted mics really helped, though.
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It thought it was much calmer.
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At one point, they almost cut to
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Jeffrey Toobin to liven things up.
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Yeah, Trump seemed much more calm.
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People were like, "Did they replace him
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with his Disney robot?"
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For the most part, things were pretty civil
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compared to the first debate, which was basically
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a UFC fight on meth.
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Yeah, it was a lot nicer.
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If the first debate was sponsored by Red Bull,
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this one was sponsored by NyQuil.
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Everyone was impressed by Trump not interrupting or yelling.
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I'm not sure it's a great sign that we talk about the president
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like we talk about a 4-year-old at a puppet show, but...
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"You did a great job. You really did."
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That's right -- tonight, we saw an all-new Trump.
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Instead of shouting baseless accusations, he whispered them.
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Trump held in his anger for so long,
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as soon as the debate was over,
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he chewed off the armrest in his limo.
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[ Growling ]
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Yeah, no one seemed to get too riled up.
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The only person who was really upset was Chris Wallace.
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"Oh, that's how you do it."
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And this was fun.
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A lot of people played drinking games during tonight's debate.
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If you did a shot every time Biden said "Come on,"
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you were unconscious by 9:15.
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[ Mumbling ] Come on!
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But tonight's debate was considered a win
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for the Trump campaign, mostly because he didn't walk in
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with a highly contagious disease.
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Actually, they were supposed to have two Plexiglas barriers
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separating Trump and Biden, but they ultimately
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decided against it.
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So make that two more walls Trump couldn't build.
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-Ooh!
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-Ooh! Ooh! That's the "ooh"?
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I got the "ooh" for that one? -Ooh-ooh!
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-Ooh-ooh!
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Before the debate -- -Ooh!
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-Ooh! Oh!
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That's my jam. That's what I do.
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I come out, and everyone goes, "Ooh!
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Jimmy, don't hurt 'em."
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Before the debate, it was announced
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that Joe Biden tested negative for coronavirus.
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Meanwhile, Trump is on so many steroids,
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he tested positive for Lance Armstrong.
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Heading into tonight, anywhere between 2% and 8% of Americans
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were still undecided.
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I just want to say if, after tonight, you're still undecided,
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then, well, we couldn't pick a joke for this one,
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but we'll figure it out in a week.
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Tonight's debate had six topics -- fighting COVID-19,
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national security, American families,
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race in America, climate change, and whether Rudy Giuliani
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was actually tucking in his shirt.
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But after a slow start, Trump made a lot of accusations
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about Biden and his family, so Joe tried to turn
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the conversation to the families watching at home.
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-There's a very strong e-mail talking about
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your family wanting to make $10 million a year.
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-He doesn't want to talk about the substantive issues.
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It's not about his family and my family.
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It about your family.
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But that's the last thing he wants to talk about.
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Trump was like, "Trust me --
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in our household, it's never been about my family."
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After Trump accused Biden of wanting to destroy
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Social Security and Medicare, Biden pointed out that
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Trump might have the wrong guy.
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-Very confused guy.
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He thinks he's running against somebody else.
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He's running against Joe Biden.
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I beat all those other people
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because I disagreed with them.
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Joe Biden he's running against.
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-Whoa! Biden was fired up. Trump was like, "Wow.
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Give me whatever steroids he's on."
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Later, Kristen Welker asked if Trump's language
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was contributing to a climate of hate in our country.
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Check out what he had to say.
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-I am the least-racist person in this room.
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I can't even see the audience because it's so dark,
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but I don't care who's in the audience.
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I'm the least-racist person in this room.
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[ Laughter ]
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-Then, instead of the mute button,
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someone hit the laugh track.
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It's a little weird to say,
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"I'm the least-racist person in the room"
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when half the room are your friends and family.
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It's like, "He's more racist than I am."
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But since this was the last debate,
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both candidates wanted to make their closing arguments
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to the American people.
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Let take a look at one of Trump's closing arguments now.
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♪♪
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-I know more about wind than you do.
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It's extremely expensive.
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It kills all the birds.
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♪♪
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[ Laughter ]
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-What?
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Actually, that's not all.
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Trump has been making closing arguments all week.
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Here's another one.
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♪♪
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-This was caused by Russia.
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Russia.
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♪♪
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[ Laughter ]
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-He's really trying to get the word out.
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Let's see another closing argument from Trump.
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♪♪
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-COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID.
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[ Crowd boos ] COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID.
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♪♪
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-Do we have any more closing arguments from Trump?
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♪♪ -Oh, my gosh.
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-And with us, as well, are members of the incredible
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Lumbee...Keetoowah...tribes.
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Lumbee Keetoowah.
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♪♪
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-Oh, come on. Okay.
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Alright, just one more. One more.
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♪♪
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-"What kind of ice cream are you eating?"
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"Uh, chocolate."
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♪♪
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-Oh, my goodness.
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Unbelievable.
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Well, Trump had a busy day.
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After walking out of yesterday's interview with "60 Minutes,"
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today, he decided to post the footage early.
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I guess he thought it would help him look better,
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but I'm not really sure why.
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Watch this.
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-No, I'm not.
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Well, I'm gonna be fair.
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You don't ask Biden tough questions.
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Huh? It's terrible. It's terrible.
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"Are you ready for tough questions?"
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That's no way to talk.
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I think we have enough of an interview here.
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Okay? That's enough. Let's go.
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-He's the most powerful man in the world,
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and he spends his time making bootleg episodes
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of "60 Minutes."
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Trump tried to embarrass Lesley Stahl by leaking a video
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of her asking tough questions.
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Isn't that her job?
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Next, he's gonna embarrass Bobby Flay
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by leaking videos of him making paella.
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[ As Trump ] You just got served, Bobby.
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[ Normal voice ] Also, did you see him
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drink the water with two hands?
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I'm just glad he's back to full strength.
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Aren't you happy?
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How... [ Applause ]
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How is he still drinking water with two hands?
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He's like, "Joe Biden is weak.
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[ Slurps ]
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He doesn't have the physical stamina to be president.
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[ Slurps ]
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Very, very poor health, Joe Biden."
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But this is interesting.
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Before tonight's debate, they announced
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a record-breaking number of people have already voted --
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nearly 48 million.
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I guess that explains...
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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I guess that explains why, three hours ago,
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48 million people tuned into Netflix.
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Asked when they made up their mind,
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early voters were like, "March 2020."
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You know Trump is thinking, "Wow.
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48 million people couldn't wait to re-elect me."
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It makes sense that so many people were able to do it.
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Voting is the only plan we've had
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on our calendars in seven months.
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This actually could be something.
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Apparently, NASA has a big announcement.
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Listen to this.
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-Apparently, NASA's made an exciting new discovery
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about the moon.
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There is a huge announcement coming from NASA,
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but we have to wait until Monday.
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-NASA, you know I love you, but come on.
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We're living through a pandemic.
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The last thing we need right now is a cliffhanger about the moon.
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Just tell us.
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That's like Dr. Fauci saying, "I have some exciting news
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about the virus that I'll tell you...
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right after the break."
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It's 2020, so part of me is definitely worried
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that we're about to find out that the moon
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once partied with Jeffrey Epstein.
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Americans were like, "Unless it's gonna 'splode,
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we do not a-care."
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Some sports news.
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The NFL just announced that if games keep getting pushed back
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because of COVID, it could affect
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when the season actually ends.
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-The NFL acknowledged yesterday the Super Bowl
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could be moved to March if games keep having to be postponed.
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-Yeah, the NFL told all the players
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to keep their schedules open, except the Jets.
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They can start making other plans.
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That's right -- the NFL said the decision
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will be made by league officials, medical experts,
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and Patrick Mahomes.
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"Yeah, I suppose that time works for me. Yeah."
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Honestly, I don't care.
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I lost interest in the NFL once they cancelled the Pro Bowl.
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I mean, why even have a season, right, guys?
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And, finally, a bank in California had a break-in,
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but the thieves aren't exactly who you'd expect.
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Watch this.
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-Two masked bandits broke into a California bank Tuesday,
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but they didn't get away with any cash.
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Check out the culprits.
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Yeah, they're not bank robbers, but a couple of raccoons.
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-Yeah. Police were like, "Aww,"
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until they realized one raccoon was wanted for triple homicide.
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Meanwhile, another raccoon was outside
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hacking into the security system.
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"I just need three more seconds, and -- Yeah, we're in."
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Yep, they're the only ones to ever break into a bank like,
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"Just give us all the trash, and no one gets hurt"
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We have a great show tonight.
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Thank you for watching. We're live here.
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Give it up for The Roots.