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  • -Welcome. Thank you so much, everybody.

  • Welcome to "The Tonight Show."

  • We are coming to you live right now from Studio 6A.

  • After the final debate between President Trump and Joe Biden,

  • and I think we can all agree the winner was Kristen Welker.

  • I mean, come on.

  • Knockout.

  • Home run.

  • Of course, everyone was talking about how there would be

  • a mute button used during tonight's debate.

  • It seemed like it worked pretty well.

  • I'm thinking of getting one for Thanksgiving.

  • The muted mics really helped, though.

  • It thought it was much calmer.

  • At one point, they almost cut to

  • Jeffrey Toobin to liven things up.

  • Yeah, Trump seemed much more calm.

  • People were like, "Did they replace him

  • with his Disney robot?"

  • For the most part, things were pretty civil

  • compared to the first debate, which was basically

  • a UFC fight on meth.

  • Yeah, it was a lot nicer.

  • If the first debate was sponsored by Red Bull,

  • this one was sponsored by NyQuil.

  • Everyone was impressed by Trump not interrupting or yelling.

  • I'm not sure it's a great sign that we talk about the president

  • like we talk about a 4-year-old at a puppet show, but...

  • "You did a great job. You really did."

  • That's right -- tonight, we saw an all-new Trump.

  • Instead of shouting baseless accusations, he whispered them.

  • Trump held in his anger for so long,

  • as soon as the debate was over,

  • he chewed off the armrest in his limo.

  • [ Growling ]

  • Yeah, no one seemed to get too riled up.

  • The only person who was really upset was Chris Wallace.

  • "Oh, that's how you do it."

  • And this was fun.

  • A lot of people played drinking games during tonight's debate.

  • If you did a shot every time Biden said "Come on,"

  • you were unconscious by 9:15.

  • [ Mumbling ] Come on!

  • But tonight's debate was considered a win

  • for the Trump campaign, mostly because he didn't walk in

  • with a highly contagious disease.

  • Actually, they were supposed to have two Plexiglas barriers

  • separating Trump and Biden, but they ultimately

  • decided against it.

  • So make that two more walls Trump couldn't build.

  • -Ooh!

  • -Ooh! Ooh! That's the "ooh"?

  • I got the "ooh" for that one? -Ooh-ooh!

  • -Ooh-ooh!

  • Before the debate -- -Ooh!

  • -Ooh! Oh!

  • That's my jam. That's what I do.

  • I come out, and everyone goes, "Ooh!

  • Jimmy, don't hurt 'em."

  • Before the debate, it was announced

  • that Joe Biden tested negative for coronavirus.

  • Meanwhile, Trump is on so many steroids,

  • he tested positive for Lance Armstrong.

  • Heading into tonight, anywhere between 2% and 8% of Americans

  • were still undecided.

  • I just want to say if, after tonight, you're still undecided,

  • then, well, we couldn't pick a joke for this one,

  • but we'll figure it out in a week.

  • Tonight's debate had six topics -- fighting COVID-19,

  • national security, American families,

  • race in America, climate change, and whether Rudy Giuliani

  • was actually tucking in his shirt.

  • But after a slow start, Trump made a lot of accusations

  • about Biden and his family, so Joe tried to turn

  • the conversation to the families watching at home.

  • -There's a very strong e-mail talking about

  • your family wanting to make $10 million a year.

  • -He doesn't want to talk about the substantive issues.

  • It's not about his family and my family.

  • It about your family.

  • But that's the last thing he wants to talk about.

  • Trump was like, "Trust me --

  • in our household, it's never been about my family."

  • After Trump accused Biden of wanting to destroy

  • Social Security and Medicare, Biden pointed out that

  • Trump might have the wrong guy.

  • -Very confused guy.

  • He thinks he's running against somebody else.

  • He's running against Joe Biden.

  • I beat all those other people

  • because I disagreed with them.

  • Joe Biden he's running against.

  • -Whoa! Biden was fired up. Trump was like, "Wow.

  • Give me whatever steroids he's on."

  • Later, Kristen Welker asked if Trump's language

  • was contributing to a climate of hate in our country.

  • Check out what he had to say.

  • -I am the least-racist person in this room.

  • I can't even see the audience because it's so dark,

  • but I don't care who's in the audience.

  • I'm the least-racist person in this room.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Then, instead of the mute button,

  • someone hit the laugh track.

  • It's a little weird to say,

  • "I'm the least-racist person in the room"

  • when half the room are your friends and family.

  • It's like, "He's more racist than I am."

  • But since this was the last debate,

  • both candidates wanted to make their closing arguments

  • to the American people.

  • Let take a look at one of Trump's closing arguments now.

  • ♪♪

  • -I know more about wind than you do.

  • It's extremely expensive.

  • It kills all the birds.

  • ♪♪

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -What?

  • Actually, that's not all.

  • Trump has been making closing arguments all week.

  • Here's another one.

  • ♪♪

  • -This was caused by Russia.

  • Russia.

  • ♪♪

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -He's really trying to get the word out.

  • Let's see another closing argument from Trump.

  • ♪♪

  • -COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID.

  • [ Crowd boos ] COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID.

  • ♪♪

  • -Do we have any more closing arguments from Trump?

  • ♪♪ -Oh, my gosh.

  • -And with us, as well, are members of the incredible

  • Lumbee...Keetoowah...tribes.

  • Lumbee Keetoowah.

  • ♪♪

  • -Oh, come on. Okay.

  • Alright, just one more. One more.

  • ♪♪

  • -"What kind of ice cream are you eating?"

  • "Uh, chocolate."

  • ♪♪

  • -Oh, my goodness.

  • Unbelievable.

  • Well, Trump had a busy day.

  • After walking out of yesterday's interview with "60 Minutes,"

  • today, he decided to post the footage early.

  • I guess he thought it would help him look better,

  • but I'm not really sure why.

  • Watch this.

  • -No, I'm not.

  • Well, I'm gonna be fair.

  • You don't ask Biden tough questions.

  • Huh? It's terrible. It's terrible.

  • "Are you ready for tough questions?"

  • That's no way to talk.

  • I think we have enough of an interview here.

  • Okay? That's enough. Let's go.

  • -He's the most powerful man in the world,

  • and he spends his time making bootleg episodes

  • of "60 Minutes."

  • Trump tried to embarrass Lesley Stahl by leaking a video

  • of her asking tough questions.

  • Isn't that her job?

  • Next, he's gonna embarrass Bobby Flay

  • by leaking videos of him making paella.

  • [ As Trump ] You just got served, Bobby.

  • [ Normal voice ] Also, did you see him

  • drink the water with two hands?

  • I'm just glad he's back to full strength.

  • Aren't you happy?

  • How... [ Applause ]

  • How is he still drinking water with two hands?

  • He's like, "Joe Biden is weak.

  • [ Slurps ]

  • He doesn't have the physical stamina to be president.

  • [ Slurps ]

  • Very, very poor health, Joe Biden."

  • But this is interesting.

  • Before tonight's debate, they announced

  • a record-breaking number of people have already voted --

  • nearly 48 million.

  • I guess that explains...

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • I guess that explains why, three hours ago,

  • 48 million people tuned into Netflix.

  • Asked when they made up their mind,

  • early voters were like, "March 2020."

  • You know Trump is thinking, "Wow.

  • 48 million people couldn't wait to re-elect me."

  • It makes sense that so many people were able to do it.

  • Voting is the only plan we've had

  • on our calendars in seven months.

  • This actually could be something.

  • Apparently, NASA has a big announcement.

  • Listen to this.

  • -Apparently, NASA's made an exciting new discovery

  • about the moon.

  • There is a huge announcement coming from NASA,

  • but we have to wait until Monday.

  • -NASA, you know I love you, but come on.

  • We're living through a pandemic.

  • The last thing we need right now is a cliffhanger about the moon.

  • Just tell us.

  • That's like Dr. Fauci saying, "I have some exciting news

  • about the virus that I'll tell you...

  • right after the break."

  • It's 2020, so part of me is definitely worried

  • that we're about to find out that the moon

  • once partied with Jeffrey Epstein.

  • Americans were like, "Unless it's gonna 'splode,

  • we do not a-care."

  • Some sports news.

  • The NFL just announced that if games keep getting pushed back

  • because of COVID, it could affect

  • when the season actually ends.

  • -The NFL acknowledged yesterday the Super Bowl

  • could be moved to March if games keep having to be postponed.

  • -Yeah, the NFL told all the players

  • to keep their schedules open, except the Jets.

  • They can start making other plans.

  • That's right -- the NFL said the decision

  • will be made by league officials, medical experts,

  • and Patrick Mahomes.

  • "Yeah, I suppose that time works for me. Yeah."

  • Honestly, I don't care.

  • I lost interest in the NFL once they cancelled the Pro Bowl.

  • I mean, why even have a season, right, guys?

  • And, finally, a bank in California had a break-in,

  • but the thieves aren't exactly who you'd expect.

  • Watch this.

  • -Two masked bandits broke into a California bank Tuesday,

  • but they didn't get away with any cash.

  • Check out the culprits.

  • Yeah, they're not bank robbers, but a couple of raccoons.

  • -Yeah. Police were like, "Aww,"

  • until they realized one raccoon was wanted for triple homicide.

  • Meanwhile, another raccoon was outside

  • hacking into the security system.

  • "I just need three more seconds, and -- Yeah, we're in."

  • Yep, they're the only ones to ever break into a bank like,

  • "Just give us all the trash, and no one gets hurt"

  • We have a great show tonight.

  • Thank you for watching. We're live here.

  • Give it up for The Roots.

-Welcome. Thank you so much, everybody.

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