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  • Because it is Christmas today, as far as we're concerned,

  • we thought we'd indulge in a very special holiday tradition and read a Christmas tale.

  • This one's slightly updated.

  • It's called "'Twas a While Before Christmas."

  • And, well, as you'll see,

  • it's been updated for our current circumstances.

  • Here we go. Gather round, kids.

  • 'Twas a while before Christmas, perhaps a bit longer,

  • I just traded my Lexapro for something much stronger.

  • Our children are feral, their bedtime's whenever,

  • we're wiping down Postmates delivered by Trevor.

  • The stockings were hung on the Peloton with care.

  • I know what you're thinking, but we use it, I swear.

  • The West Coast was burning, and the politics were mean,

  • the maskless rose up and spread COVID-19.

  • We marched, and held signs, and made calls to our reps.

  • We all joined Antifa just to get in our steps.

  • We clung to our TV sets, bingeing with shame,

  • from each streaming service.

  • We all know their names:

  • On Netflix.

  • On Hulu. On Amazon Prime.

  • Should I sign up for Quibi?

  • You know what, I'm fine.

  • When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,

  • contact-free pizza, so I could get fatter.

  • Away to the window, I flew like a flash.

  • "Leave it on the porch, take your tip, yes, it's cash."

  • Instead, there stood Santa, who was looking quite round.

  • But listen, who hasn't packed on a few pounds?

  • I went in for a hug and he shunned my advances.

  • He said, "Sorry, bud, but I can't take any chances."

  • Then he left in a flurry of anti-bac spray,

  • some N-95s where the cookies once lay.

  • He yelled, "Everything's canceled, thanks to COVID-19.

  • I'll be back next year, if we have a vaccine."

  • I stared at the clouds with a glimmer of hope.

  • My CNN news alert replied and said, "Nope."

  • I dropped to my knees, wagging fist to the sky,

  • "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good cry."

  • That's just lovely.

  • Anyway- (Andy laughs)

  • Thanks a lot, Dad.

  • No problem.

  • That's gonna kill at the office Christmas party.

  • (Andy laughs)

  • That's yours to keep.

Because it is Christmas today, as far as we're concerned,

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B1 christmas updated tale glimmer fatter covid

Conan Reads A Christmas Tale For 2020 - CONAN on TBS

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/10/23
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