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  • [♪]

  • [woman singing in French]

  • [Farrah] High school is just one big buzz saw

  • that grinds people up into little bite-sized pieces.

  • Some people just do a better job

  • at avoiding the teeth.

  • [phone rings]

  • [Sarah] Hey, Farrah, where are you?

  • Why hasn't today started?

  • [Sarah] They won't let us in the school.

  • Be there in a minute.

  • [woman singing in French]

  • [Farrah] That's Sarah Hurley.

  • She and I almost didn't make it as friends

  • because of the Sarah and Farrah annoyance.

  • I am not an ampersand person.

  • So, I got the whole school to call her Hurley.

  • [siren wails]

  • What's with the EMT action?

  • The Crotch doesn't even know.

  • [Farrah] The Crotch is this entity

  • that everyone fears but can't turn away from.

  • Some kid who was obsessed with Perez Hilton

  • started it like 10 years ago,

  • and it gets passed along to some anonymous student

  • every year.

  • [Farrah] The name itself, while crass,

  • is at least classic.

  • Central-C.

  • Rochester-Rotch.

  • Hence C-rotch.

  • [Farrah] Then again,

  • The Crotch has always been nice to me.

  • Hey, Jaynes.

  • We have police action.

  • What the hell?

  • The last update is still the Stacey Moorehead story.

  • What story? That her last name

  • turned out to be a prophecy?

  • [Jayne] No, about her nose job.

  • Earned her a smoking on the The Crotch HotMeter.

  • Ugh.

  • When did we birth the tube sock peek?

  • Has it even been a week?

  • - Four days. - Ugh, it's out of control.

  • We gotta kill the baby.

  • Call it.

  • Official time of death,

  • 9:07 a.m.

  • [sighs]

  • - [gasps] - [girl] What happened?

  • [record scratches]

  • Well, this day just got interesting.

  • [♪]

  • It's a dirty old trick

  • It's a dirty old trick to take someone so far

  • And drop them

  • I'm sorry, since when does cadaver-in-school

  • not equal day off?

  • And why are we coming to the optional tragedy workshop?

  • Clearly nobody else is.

  • Are you not at all curious what a tragedy workshop looks like?

  • No.

  • It had to be a heart attack, right?

  • [sighs] Poor guy! What a tragedy.

  • I know, think of all the students

  • walking around unguided.

  • [whispers] Please, Principal Cowher,

  • workshop this tragedy in our time of need.

  • I can't imagine someone who looks less warm than her.

  • [whispers] Wanna bet that at some point

  • she mentions her master's degree?

  • It's not often as educators

  • that we're faced with days like these,

  • and obviously, nothing we learn in college

  • or our master's classes can prepare us

  • for... for something like this.

  • [sighs]

  • And while this workshop isn't intended to be

  • a ceremony in any way,

  • I would be remiss if I didn't mention that...

  • Mr. Chadwick was a valued member of our staff

  • as well as an admired guidance counselor.

  • His wisdom here at Central Rochester High

  • will be greatly missed.

  • If any of you want to talk about how you're feeling...

  • [Farrah] Obviously becoming the it-topic isn't rocket surgery.

  • Chisel a bump off the beak

  • or drop a three-way video.

  • Same result.

  • People talk about you, and perception is reality.

  • Talk to him if you need to.

  • [Farrah] The key is managing perception.

  • [cell phones going off]

  • Holy shit!

  • Mr. Chadwick hung himself in his office last night.

  • [whispers] I hate The Crotch!

  • Election season is endless. I long for plain beige walls.

  • [Farrah] Not even a hanging Chadwick

  • can stop student council elections.

  • Which means someone needs my vote.

  • Please, folks, it's an empty office.

  • Let's keep moving to our classes.

  • I saw Ilo out there this morning

  • working Dipankar hard.

  • He should. Dip's a wildcard.

  • He controls the Indian bloc and techs half the school's laptops.

  • You know, I heard Ilo secured the Comicons this morning,

  • and he sat with the Ligbits at lunch yesterday.

  • What? What could Ilo possibly promise the LGBTs?

  • Not sure, but the vote's Thursday.

  • Don't you think we should make a deal with him

  • before he runs away with it?

  • - [sobbing] - [Hope] It's okay. Hush.

  • Hope's not going anywhere.

  • Trust me, Miss Theatrics has a big play coming.

  • I think the question is

  • why haven't we heard from her yet?

  • She sent me an email last night.

  • [snickers] I'm sure I told you.

  • No, you didn't.

  • - My bad. - [sighs]

  • She wants to meet.

  • [sighs] Chills.

  • It's just too weird Chadwick killed himself in there.

  • Did you know that Chadwick's office has a private bathroom?

  • [bell rings]

  • [woman on PA ] Attention, students.

  • Principal Cowher will have extended office hours

  • for the remainder of the week.

  • Anyone wishing to schedule an appointment with her

  • can stop by her office and sign up today.

  • Can you move your knapsack?

  • Uh, it's a ball sack, actually.

  • Supposed to be funny.

  • It's not.

  • It's juvenile and asinine.

  • [sighs]

  • Sorry.

  • [slams locker]

  • [background chatter]

  • You're always so mean to that kid.

  • I did him a favor by recognizing his existence.

  • Let's go.

  • Obviously we have to handle the situation differently now.

  • I have been dealing with this Crotch nonsense for 15 years.

  • How are we expected to govern without secrets?

  • Govern?

  • It's not the White House.

  • Well, it leaks like it.

  • We need to get this kid under control.

  • He undermines everything we do around here.

  • Last year, I spent $2,500 of PTA money

  • to track The Crotch's IP address.

  • The trail led through Singapore, Greenland, the Netherlands,

  • and 10 other countries,

  • and at the end of that crazy convoluted maze,

  • you know where it landed?

  • My laptop!

  • Oh, that kid enjoys screwing with us.

  • You know, I really hate it.

  • Hate what?

  • That they're smarter than us.

  • As superintendent, I'm telling you,

  • we need to come up with another plan

  • to take this kid out.

  • If you have an idea, I'm all in.

  • All right. Let's talk tomorrow.

  • [phone rings]

  • [sighs]

  • Gabe, did you find out who the last person was

  • to see Chadwick yesterday?

  • Uh, Jayne Carter.

  • Will you please bring her down here?

  • Ladies, hello. How are you?

  • Good? Good. Great!

  • As you know, student elections are coming up

  • and I just wanted to remind you

  • vote for Hope,

  • and in case you forgot, I have buttons.

  • Thank you so much. We need you this campaign.

  • I need you. All right?

  • Vote for Ilo.

  • Maybe, you know, I think this would look great

  • on this adorable jacket of yours.

  • Let's make Rochester great again, all right?

  • Ladies, make your voice be heard in this school.

  • Wouldn't you like that?

  • Great!

  • Well, happy knitting.

  • [Farrah] Bridge is a ruthless game.

  • It's not just dumb luck.

  • To win takes an acute ability to read people.

  • So, guess who may have been the last person

  • to see Chadwick alive?

  • How do you know that?

  • Just got back from Cowher's office.

  • Two club.

  • So, do we have a scandal?

  • Three diamond.

  • Seems like it.

  • Um, four heart.

  • [Farrah] That split-second eye meant Jayne With a Y

  • stretched her bridge bid too far.

  • She went for the overkill instead of just the kill.

  • Again.

  • Pass.

  • Pass.

  • Pass.

  • Your contract.

  • Let's play some bridge, bitches.

  • [Farrah] The Y in her name makes her too aggressive.

  • She has this completely unmerited superiority complex

  • over Plain J-A-N-E, which is a weakness

  • in both of their personalities to exploit.

  • Hurley, stop staring at Y's rack.

  • You're like Sophia Loren in that famous picture with, uh...

  • - who was it? - Jayne Mansfield.

  • You know I was named after her.

  • She had the Y, too.

  • Hmm.

  • Plain, play your eight of hearts.

  • Ooh, wasted a trump card.

  • [grunts] I figured the line was too long,

  • so I brought a few over.

  • We're on a cleanse.

  • Okay.

  • Well, that was nice of him.

  • Nice doesn't win our vote.

  • - Vodka? - [choking]

  • How'd you know?

  • That must have taken five cases of vodka to pull off.

  • Where'd he get all that booze from?

  • Where do you think?

  • I'll be right back.

  • [background chatter]

  • Must be pretty important to get the outdoor treatment.

  • One would assume you're responsible

  • for the vodka thing.

  • N-n-n-no.

  • Doesn't sound like me.

  • What I don't understand is

  • why would you be backing Ilo?

  • Of course.

  • You're backing both.

  • Student council runs 11 to 13 school events a year.

  • I would like some influence in those events.

  • Gotta respect the business model, Hook.

  • Costs you some cheap vodka up front and you get an in

  • to all the student council-run events.

  • I mean, the whole deal offers someone like you

  • a lot of ways to make some cash.

  • We made a lemonade stand together in second grade.

  • Not all that different.

  • So, what did you offer Hope?

  • The Stoners.

  • - That dipshit agreed to that? - Yeah.