Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles [♪] [woman singing in French] [Farrah] High school is just one big buzz saw that grinds people up into little bite-sized pieces. Some people just do a better job at avoiding the teeth. [phone rings] [Sarah] Hey, Farrah, where are you? Why hasn't today started? [Sarah] They won't let us in the school. Be there in a minute. [woman singing in French] [Farrah] That's Sarah Hurley. She and I almost didn't make it as friends because of the Sarah and Farrah annoyance. I am not an ampersand person. So, I got the whole school to call her Hurley. [siren wails] What's with the EMT action? The Crotch doesn't even know. [Farrah] The Crotch is this entity that everyone fears but can't turn away from. Some kid who was obsessed with Perez Hilton started it like 10 years ago, and it gets passed along to some anonymous student every year. [Farrah] The name itself, while crass, is at least classic. Central-C. Rochester-Rotch. Hence C-rotch. [Farrah] Then again, The Crotch has always been nice to me. Hey, Jaynes. We have police action. What the hell? The last update is still the Stacey Moorehead story. What story? That her last name turned out to be a prophecy? [Jayne] No, about her nose job. Earned her a smoking on the The Crotch HotMeter. Ugh. When did we birth the tube sock peek? Has it even been a week? - Four days. - Ugh, it's out of control. We gotta kill the baby. Call it. Official time of death, 9:07 a.m. [sighs] - [gasps] - [girl] What happened? [record scratches] Well, this day just got interesting. [♪] ♪ It's a dirty old trick ♪ ♪ It's a dirty old trick to take someone so far ♪ ♪ And drop them ♪ I'm sorry, since when does cadaver-in-school not equal day off? And why are we coming to the optional tragedy workshop? Clearly nobody else is. Are you not at all curious what a tragedy workshop looks like? No. It had to be a heart attack, right? [sighs] Poor guy! What a tragedy. I know, think of all the students walking around unguided. [whispers] Please, Principal Cowher, workshop this tragedy in our time of need. I can't imagine someone who looks less warm than her. [whispers] Wanna bet that at some point she mentions her master's degree? It's not often as educators that we're faced with days like these, and obviously, nothing we learn in college or our master's classes can prepare us for... for something like this. [sighs] And while this workshop isn't intended to be a ceremony in any way, I would be remiss if I didn't mention that... Mr. Chadwick was a valued member of our staff as well as an admired guidance counselor. His wisdom here at Central Rochester High will be greatly missed. If any of you want to talk about how you're feeling... [Farrah] Obviously becoming the it-topic isn't rocket surgery. Chisel a bump off the beak or drop a three-way video. Same result. People talk about you, and perception is reality. Talk to him if you need to. [Farrah] The key is managing perception. [cell phones going off] Holy shit! Mr. Chadwick hung himself in his office last night. [whispers] I hate The Crotch! Election season is endless. I long for plain beige walls. [Farrah] Not even a hanging Chadwick can stop student council elections. Which means someone needs my vote. Please, folks, it's an empty office. Let's keep moving to our classes. I saw Ilo out there this morning working Dipankar hard. He should. Dip's a wildcard. He controls the Indian bloc and techs half the school's laptops. You know, I heard Ilo secured the Comicons this morning, and he sat with the Ligbits at lunch yesterday. What? What could Ilo possibly promise the LGBTs? Not sure, but the vote's Thursday. Don't you think we should make a deal with him before he runs away with it? - [sobbing] - [Hope] It's okay. Hush. Hope's not going anywhere. Trust me, Miss Theatrics has a big play coming. I think the question is why haven't we heard from her yet? She sent me an email last night. [snickers] I'm sure I told you. No, you didn't. - My bad. - [sighs] She wants to meet. [sighs] Chills. It's just too weird Chadwick killed himself in there. Did you know that Chadwick's office has a private bathroom? [bell rings] [woman on PA ] Attention, students. Principal Cowher will have extended office hours for the remainder of the week. Anyone wishing to schedule an appointment with her can stop by her office and sign up today. Can you move your knapsack? Uh, it's a ball sack, actually. Supposed to be funny. It's not. It's juvenile and asinine. [sighs] Sorry. [slams locker] [background chatter] You're always so mean to that kid. I did him a favor by recognizing his existence. Let's go. Obviously we have to handle the situation differently now. I have been dealing with this Crotch nonsense for 15 years. How are we expected to govern without secrets? Govern? It's not the White House. Well, it leaks like it. We need to get this kid under control. He undermines everything we do around here. Last year, I spent $2,500 of PTA money to track The Crotch's IP address. The trail led through Singapore, Greenland, the Netherlands, and 10 other countries, and at the end of that crazy convoluted maze, you know where it landed? My laptop! Oh, that kid enjoys screwing with us. You know, I really hate it. Hate what? That they're smarter than us. As superintendent, I'm telling you, we need to come up with another plan to take this kid out. If you have an idea, I'm all in. All right. Let's talk tomorrow. [phone rings] [sighs] Gabe, did you find out who the last person was to see Chadwick yesterday? Uh, Jayne Carter. Will you please bring her down here? Ladies, hello. How are you? Good? Good. Great! As you know, student elections are coming up and I just wanted to remind you vote for Hope, and in case you forgot, I have buttons. Thank you so much. We need you this campaign. I need you. All right? Vote for Ilo. Maybe, you know, I think this would look great on this adorable jacket of yours. Let's make Rochester great again, all right? Ladies, make your voice be heard in this school. Wouldn't you like that? Great! Well, happy knitting. [Farrah] Bridge is a ruthless game. It's not just dumb luck. To win takes an acute ability to read people. So, guess who may have been the last person to see Chadwick alive? How do you know that? Just got back from Cowher's office. Two club. So, do we have a scandal? Three diamond. Seems like it. Um, four heart. [Farrah] That split-second eye meant Jayne With a Y stretched her bridge bid too far. She went for the overkill instead of just the kill. Again. Pass. Pass. Pass. Your contract. Let's play some bridge, bitches. [Farrah] The Y in her name makes her too aggressive. She has this completely unmerited superiority complex over Plain J-A-N-E, which is a weakness in both of their personalities to exploit. Hurley, stop staring at Y's rack. You're like Sophia Loren in that famous picture with, uh... - who was it? - Jayne Mansfield. You know I was named after her. She had the Y, too. Hmm. Plain, play your eight of hearts. Ooh, wasted a trump card. [grunts] I figured the line was too long, so I brought a few over. We're on a cleanse. Okay. Well, that was nice of him. Nice doesn't win our vote. - Vodka? - [choking] How'd you know? That must have taken five cases of vodka to pull off. Where'd he get all that booze from? Where do you think? I'll be right back. [background chatter] Must be pretty important to get the outdoor treatment. One would assume you're responsible for the vodka thing. N-n-n-no. Doesn't sound like me. What I don't understand is why would you be backing Ilo? Of course. You're backing both. Student council runs 11 to 13 school events a year. I would like some influence in those events. Gotta respect the business model, Hook. Costs you some cheap vodka up front and you get an in to all the student council-run events. I mean, the whole deal offers someone like you a lot of ways to make some cash. We made a lemonade stand together in second grade. Not all that different. So, what did you offer Hope? The Stoners. - That dipshit agreed to that? - Yeah.