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  • >> Stephen: WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT, AS IT SAYS ON THE BONE HERE.

  • WELL, WE ARE LIVE, RIGHT THERE, AFTER THE FIRST PRESIDENTIAL

  • DEBATE.

  • TONIGHT WAS THE OPENING ROUND OF DONALD TRUMP VERSUS JOE BIDEN,

  • THE BATTLE OF THE BOOMERS, THE SHOWMAN JURIES THE JOE-MAN.

  • GET READY FOR DEMOCRACY TO CRUMBLE!

  • I COME TO YOU TONIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AN EMPTY VESSEL,

  • A MAN WITH A MIND WIPED CLEAN.

  • I HAVE STOOD IN THE SWIRLING CHAOS OF CREATION.

  • I HAVE SEEN SHIVA WIELDING HIS CARVINGS AGREEMENT GOUT OFT

  • UNIVERSE.

  • THE SKY ONCE RED, BLUE, AND BLACK UNTIL ALL THAT REMAINED

  • WAS A STARLESS VOID AND THE HOLLOWED HUSK ONCE KNOWN AS

  • CHRIS WALLACE.

  • WE ARE EMERGED FROM THE MAT WHIRLWIND WHERE WE FORBADE ON

  • THE GOVERNANCE OF GOD HIMSELF, AND HE SAID UNTO US, "JESUS,

  • STOP INTERRUPTING HIM, YOU GIANT BABY!"

  • YES, TONIGHT SAW THE BEST MINDS OF OUR GENERATION DESTROYED BY

  • MADNESS STARVING HYSTERICAL, NAKED, DRAGGING THEMSELVES

  • THROUGH THE STREETS AT DAWN, LOOKING FOR THE MUTE BUTTON.

  • FORGET FACT CHECKING THIS DEBATE.

  • WE COULDN'T EVEN DO ANY SENTENCE FINDING!

  • I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS, BUT I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO

  • THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE.

  • I MEAN, FOR PETE'S SAKE, CHILDREN WATCHED THAT!

  • I'M GLAD I'VE ALREADY HAD MY CHILDREN, BECAUSE I THINK JUST

  • WATCHING THAT STERILIZED ME.

  • BUT WHO KNOWS?

  • WHO WHO KNOWS?

  • I CAN GET EMOTIONAL.

  • MAYBE I'M A LITTLE OVERHEATED.

  • LET'S SEE WHAT THE NEWS PROFESSIONALS HAD TO SAY ABOUT

  • IT.

  • DANA BASH.

  • >> THAT WAS A ( BLEEP ) SHOW.

  • >> OKAY, OKAY.

  • THAT IS, FIRST OF ALL, AN INSULT TO BOTH SHOWS AND THE OTHER WORD

  • THAT I CAN'T SAY BECAUSE THIS IS CBS.

  • IT'S NOT EXACTLY ACCURATE, BECAUSE AT LEAST AFTER A

  • 90-MINUTE POOP, YOU GENERALLY FEEL BETTER.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) OKAY...

  • OH!

  • LET'S GET TO THE COVERAGE.

  • GOING INTO TONIGHT'S DEBATE, ANTICIPATION WAS A-BUB LIN'.

  • "THE NEW YORK TIMES" PREDICTED A CLASH OF STYLE AND IDEAS.

  • NO, BAD, "NEW YORK TIMES," BAD!

  • STOP PRETENDING THAT ANY OF THIS IS NORMAL.

  • THEY'RE NOT EQUIVALENT CANDIDATES.

  • YOU DON'T SEE A GUY TRYING TO TAKE A MOLOTOV COCKTAIL AWAY

  • FROM A BABY AND SAY, "THAT'S A REAL CLASH OF STYLE AND IDEAS."

  • BEFORE THE DEBATE STARTED, CHRIS WALLACE GAVE US A PREVIEW OF HIS

  • MODERATION STRATEGY, SAYING, "MY JOB IS TO BE AS INVISIBLE AS

  • POSSIBLE."

  • CHRIS, I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU TRYING TO BE INVISIBLE WOULDN'T

  • HELP.

  • HAVEN'T YOU SEEN "THE LORD OF THE RINGS."

  • >>> I THINK MY STRONGEST MAY BE BY FAR IS MY TEMPERAMENT.

  • >> Stephen: NOW, BEFORE THINGS EVEN GOT STARTED, THE DIFFERENCE

  • IN THE CANDIDATES WAS CLEAR BECAUSE EVERYONE IN BIDEN'S SIDE

  • OF THE HALL WAS WEARING A MASK.

  • MOST OF THE PEOPLE ON TRUMP'S SIDE, INCLUDING HIS FOUR

  • CHILDREN, WERE NOT WEARING MASKS.

  • AND ACCORDING TO THE CLEVELAND CLINIC, IT IS A REQUIREMENT THAT

  • ALL GUESTS WEAR MASKS.

  • AND THAT'S NOT A MEDICAL REQUIREMENT.

  • THE CLEVELAND CLINIC JUST DOESN'T WANT TO SEE ERIC'S

  • MOUTH.

  • PLUS, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN OVER VOTERS BY KILLING THEM.

  • MOST POLLS SHOW THAT VOTERS DO NOT RESPOND WELL TO THEIR OWN

  • DEATHS.

  • CHRIS WALLACE OPENED BY LAYING OUT THE RULES FOR THE SPARSE

  • AUDIENCE.

  • >> THE AUDIENCE HERE IN THE HALL HAS PROMISED TO REMAIN SILENT.

  • >> Stephen: AND NOT JUST THE REPUBLICANS WHO HAVE BEEN

  • COWARDS FOR THE PAST FOUR YEARS.

  • EVEN THOUGH THE CANDIDATES DID NOT SHAKE HAND, THEY DID CHANGE

  • PLEASANTRIES.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) >> HOW YOU DOING, MAN?

  • >> Stephen: TO WHICH TRUMP REPLIED, "I'M OKAY, HOW A ARE YU

  • DOING MAN, PERSON, WOMAN, CAMERA, TV."

  • IT SEEMS PRETTY CLEAR FROM THE BEGINNING THAT TRUMP'S DEBATE

  • STRATEGY WAS JUST TO TALK OVER EVERYONE.

  • >> LET ME ASK MY QUESTION.

  • >> I'LL ASK JOE.

  • THE INDIVIDUAL MANDATE WAS THE MOST UNPOPULAR--

  • >> MR. PRESIDENT, MR. PRESIDENT, I'D LIKE-- I'M THE MODERATOR OF

  • THIS DEBATE AND I WOULD LIKE YOU TO CAN LET ME ASK MY QUESTION.

  • >> Stephen: AND HE JUST KEPT DOING IT ALL NIGHT.

  • IT REMINDED WHEN ABRAHAM LINCOLN DEBATED A LEAF BLOWER.

  • JOE BIDEN DID GET IN SOME ZINGERS.

  • >> MR. PRESIDENT, CAN YOU LET HIM FINISH, SIR?

  • >> HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT.

  • >> Stephen: TO WHICH MELANIA RESPONDED, "NO YOU WOULDN'T."

  • EVENTUALLY, BIDEN HAD JUST HAD IT.

  • >> WELL YOU SHUT UP, MAN.

  • .>> Stephen: NO, NO, HE WON'T.

  • IMAGINE IF THAT WORKED!

  • IT'S NOT GREAT WHEN YOU HAVE TO SAY THE SAME THING TO THE

  • PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES THAT YOU WOULD SHOUT AT A FRIEND

  • WHO WON'T STOP RANTING ABOUT HOW VAN HALEN WAS ACTUALLY A BETTER

  • BAND WITH SAMMY HAGAR.

  • BIDEN TRIED TO HIGHLIGHT JUST HOW BAD TRUMP HAS BEEN ON THE

  • CORONAVIRUS.

  • >> AND, BY THE WAY, MAYBE YOU COULD INJECT SOME BLEACH IN YOUR

  • ARM AND THAT WOULD TAKE CARE OF IT.

  • >> THAT WAS SAID SARCASTICALLY AND YOU KNOW THAT.

  • >> Stephen: IT WAS SARCASM, JUST LIKE MY OATH TO HOLD UP THE

  • CONSTITUTION AND MY MARRIAGE VOWS.

  • I GUESS I'M JUST TOO HIP FOR THE ROOM.

  • THEN, THEN THINGS GOT A LITTLE PERSONAL.

  • >> A LOT OF PEOPLE DIED, AND A LOT MORE ARE GOING TO DIE UNLESS

  • HE GETS A LOT SMARTER A LOT QUICKER.

  • >> MR. PRESIDENT.

  • >> DID YOU USE THE WORD "SMART?" DON'T EVER USE THE WORD SMART

  • WITH ME.

  • DON'T EVER USE THAT WORD.

  • >> Stephen: I CAN IMAGINE TRUMP IS NOT USED TO HEARING

  • THAT WORD AROUND HIM VERY MUCH.

  • WALLACE TRIED TO PAINT THE DIFFERENCE IN THE TWO

  • CANDIDATES' CAMPAIGNING STYLES QUIRK.

  • >> PRESIDENT TRUMP, YOU'RE HOLDING THE LARGE RALLIES WITH

  • CROWDS PACKED TOGETHER, THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE.

  • >> OUTSIDE.

  • >> OUTSIDE, YES, SIR, AGREED.

  • VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN YOU ARE HOLDING MUCH SMALLER EVENTS.

  • WHY YOU HOLDING THE BIG RALLIES, WHY YOU NOT?

  • >> Sephen: WE ALREADY KNOW THE BIG RALLIES ARE BAD, CHRIS.

  • THIS IS LIKE ASKING, "MR. PRESIDENT, YOU'RE TYING

  • LADIES TO THE RAILROAD TRACKS AS THE CHOO-CHOO TRAINS ARE

  • COMING."

  • MR. BIDEN, WHY DID YOU GO WITH THE STRATEGY NOT KILLING YOUR

  • SUPPORTERS?

  • HE TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT THE RALLIES ARE A HEALTH RISK.

  • >> HE'S NOT WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

  • >> NO NEGATIVE EFFECT.

  • WE'VE HAD 35, 40,000 PEOPLE AT THESE RALLY S.

  • >> Stephen: NO NEGATIVE EFFECT FROM YOUR RALLY POSITIVE

  • UPON THAT'S AN INTERESTING POINT.

  • HERMAN CANE, YOUR THOUGHTS?

  • HERMAN CANE.

  • EVIDENTLY WE'RE HAVING CONNECTION ISSUES WITH THE GREAT

  • BEYOND.

  • NOW, TRUMP LAMENTED THE DAMAGING EFFECTS OF THE LOCKDOIN.

  • >> YOU LOOK AT WHAT'S GOING ON WITH DIVORCE.

  • >> Stephen: "I MEAN EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, THERE ARE WIVES SAYING

  • TO THEIR HUSBANDS,' DONALD THE SECOND YOU'RE OUT OF OFFICE I'M

  • LEAVING YOU AND YOUR UNSPEAKABLE BURGER FARTS.

  • WAR CRIME, SHE USED THE WORD WAR CRIME.

  • SHE'S GOING TO DRAG MY ASS."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) COME ON.

  • YOU HAVE TO FIND YOUR HAPPINESS WHERE YOU CAN.

  • TRUMP BRAGGED ABOUT HOW HE'S RESCUED THE WIDE WORLD OF

  • SPORTS.

  • >> I'M THE ONE THAT BROUGHT BACK FOOTBALL.

  • >> Stephen: TO WHICH THE CLEVELAND BROWNS FANS SAID,

  • "YEAH, WE'RE GOOD."

  • TRUMP THEN TRIED TO DEFEND PAYING SO LITTLE IN TAXES.

  • >> BEFORE I CAME HERE, I WAS A PRIVATE DEVELOPER.

  • I WAS A PRIVATE BUSINESSPEOPLE.

  • >> I WAS A PRIVATE BUSINESSPEOPLE.

  • IT WAS ME AND A BUNCH OF MES THAT I MADE UP FOR TAX

  • WRITE-OFFS.

  • THE PEOPLE.

  • THEN JOE, HE JUST GOT FED UP.

  • >> YOU ARE THE WORST PRESIDENT AMERICA HAS EVER HAD.

  • >> Stephen: COME ON NOW, MR. VICE PRESIDENT.

  • THAT'S NOT FAIR.

  • HE'S ALSO THE WORST PRESIDENT AMERICA WILL EVER HAVE.

  • TRUMP TRIED TO HIT JOE WHERE IT HURT-- HIS RECORD.

  • >> I'VE DONE MORE IN-- IN 47 MONTHS, I'VE DONE MORE THAN YOU

  • HAVE DONE IN 47 YEARS, JOE.

  • >> Stephen: I, YOU KNOW,...

  • THAT'S POSSIBLE.

  • >> I'VE DON BUT VOLUME ISN'T EVERYTHING.

  • THE NUCLEAR BOMB DID MORE IN HIROSHIMA IN ONE DAY THAN ANY

  • POLITICIAN DID IN HISTORY, BUT SOMETHING TELLS ME IT MIGHT HAVE

  • COST TRUMAN THE JAPANESE VOTE.

  • THERE WAS AN INTERESTING MOMENT OF CIVILITY FROM BIDEN.

  • >> IT'S HARD TO GET ANYWHERE WORD IN WITH THIS CLOWN-- EXCUSE

  • ME.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S A GOOD THING JOE CORRECTED HIMSELF.

  • HE WOULDN'T WANT TO LOSE THE CLOWN VOTE.

  • IT'S ALSO NOT ACCURATE.

  • IF TRUMP WAS A CLOWN, HE WOULD HAVE A MUCH MORE PROFESSIONAL

  • FACE PAINT.

  • THEN CHRIS WALLACE ANNOUNCED HE WAS GOING TO ASK A QUESTION

  • ABOUT RACE.

  • >> WE'RE GOING TO GO TO THE NEXT SEGMENT.

  • I'M GOING TO ASK A QUESTION ABOUT RACE, BUT IF YOU WANT TO

  • ANSWER ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE, GO AHEAD.

  • >> Stephen: CHRIS WALLACE, RESTATING AMERICA'S OFFICIAL

  • POSITION ON RACISM.

  • THEN WE ARRIVED AT ONE OF THE MOST TELLING, ONE OF THE MOST

  • UPSETTING MOMENTS NOT ONLY OF THE NIGHT BUT OF MY LIFETIME,

  • WHEN THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WAS ASKED SIMPLY TO

  • CONDEMN WHITE SUPREMACY.

  • >> ARE YOU WILLING TONIGHT TO CONDEMN WHITE SUPREMACISTS AND

  • MILITIA GROUPS.

  • >> I'M WILLING TO DO ANYTHING.

  • I WANT TO SEE PEACE.

  • >> THEN DO IT, SIR.

  • >> DO IT, SAY THEM.

  • >> WHAT DO YOU WANT TO CALL THEM?

  • GIVE ME A NAME.

  • >> WHITE SUPREMACISTS AND MILITIA.

  • >> STAND BACK AND STAND BY.

  • >> Stephen: DIDN'T DO IT.

  • "I DON'T SUPPORT WHITE SUPREMACISTS.

  • I JUST COMMAND THEM.

  • LIKE A DOG.

  • THAT'S WHY I'VE GOT THIS SHINY DOG WHISTLE.

  • PROUD BOYS!

  • PROUD BOYS!

  • STAND BACK.

  • SIT.

  • WHO'S A PROUD BOY?

  • YOU'RE A PROUD BOY."

  • ON FOREIGN AFFAIRS, BIDEN SAID TRUMP WASN'T AN ATTACK DOG.

  • HE WAS A LAP DOG.

  • >> HE'S PUTIN'S PUPPY.

  • HE STILL REFUSES TO SAY ANYTHING TO PUTIN ABOUT THE BOUNTY ON THE

  • HEADS OF AMERICAN SOLDIERS.

  • >> Stephen: "THAT'S NOT TRUE.

  • I'M NOT HIS PUPPY.

  • I'M HIS B.F.F..

  • TRUMP EXPLAINED THE MASSIVE FOREST FIRES IN CALIFORNIA

  • AREN'T CLIMATE CHANGE'S FAULT.

  • >> THE FOREST FLOORS ARE LOADED UP WITH TREES, DEAD TREES THAT

  • ARE YEARS OLD, AND THEY'RE LIKE TIRND.

  • >> Stephen: "THEY'RE LIKE TIRND.

  • YOU SWIPE RIGHT, YOU SWIPE LEFT, EITHER WAY, TOTAL SMOKE SHOW,

  • AND THEY ARE D.T.F.-- DOWN TO FOREST FIRE."

  • AFTER ONE PARTICULARLY LONG TRUMP SPITTLE-FILLED BLATHER,

  • CHRIS WALLACE TRIED TO GET THINGS BACK ON TRACK.

  • >> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, ANSWERED HIS FINAL QUESTION.

  • >> THE FINAL QUESTION IS-- I CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH OF ALL HIS

  • RANTINGS.

  • >> I'M HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE MYSELF.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE WE ARE FACING THE MOST

  • IMPORTANT ELECTION OF OUR LIFETIMES AND WE'RE LETTING THE

  • IDIOT WHO SHOUTS THE LOUDEST DECIDE WHAT WE TALK ABOUT.

  • NOW, TRUMP ENDED UP GINNING UP FEARS ABOUT THE NEXT ELECTION.

  • >> THIS IS GOING TO BE A FRAUD LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN.

  • >> Stephen: OH, I DON'T KNOW, I'M LOOKING AT A PRETTY BIG ONE

  • RIGHT NOW.

  • WHEN CHRIS WALLACE ASKED TRUMP IF HE WOULD CALL ON HIS VOTERS

  • TO STAY CALM, INSTEAD TRUMP MADE A FRIGHTENING CALL TO HIS