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  • -Thank you so much for watching, everybody.

  • Welcome to "The Tonight Show."

  • Guys, it is a big night for NBC.

  • It is the start of BTS Week

  • here on "The Tonight Show"! [ Cheers and applause ]

  • We have something special for you BTS fans

  • in a couple minutes.

  • Also, a huge night for hockey --

  • if you just watched Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Playoffs,

  • that means you're either drunk and happy

  • or drunk and very angry. [ Laughter ]

  • I actually watched the game through my plastic face shield,

  • so I feel like I was really there.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, tonight, we got to see white guys

  • brutally attack each other for two hours,

  • so it was a pretty good preview of tomorrow night's debate.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Let's get to some politics.

  • Well, guys, last night, "The New York Times"

  • published a bombshell report

  • about President Trump's personal finances.

  • Yep, somehow "The Times" got their hands

  • on Trump's long-hidden tax records,

  • and what they found was not good.

  • Listen to this. -The "New York Times" reports

  • it's obtained two decades' worth

  • of President Trump's tax returns.

  • -"The Times" reports that the President paid no income taxes

  • in 10 of the last 15 years.

  • -That's right -- Trump has not paid income taxes

  • in 10 of the last 15 years, although, honestly,

  • wouldn't it have been more shocking

  • if Trump had paid taxes in those years?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, when the news broke, Trump was furious.

  • He was like, "Why did I pay taxes for those five years?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Seriously, when it comes to avoiding taxes,

  • Trump knows every loophole.

  • For instance, on next year's taxes,

  • he plans on claiming his coronavirus response

  • as a total loss.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ] What?

  • Thank you. It's a clapper.

  • It's a clapper. Some laughs, some claps.

  • Well, someone close to Trump must have provided the records.

  • When asked who might have a grudge against him,

  • Trump was like, "Other than 65 tell-all book authors,

  • no one comes to mind." [ Laughter ]

  • So Trump didn't pay any income taxes for 10 out of 15 years.

  • Big deal.

  • I'm sure when Trump did pay something, it was a lot.

  • -In 2016, the year Trump won the White House,

  • he paid just $750 in income tax.

  • -$750!

  • I don't know what he should have paid,

  • but it is definitely more than an Xbox and a half.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • $750?! That's great.

  • In today's money, Trump basically paid the equivalent

  • of a 1993 Toyota Tercel.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Even people who use the free version of TurboTax

  • are like, "That can't be right."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The report also found that, on top of not paying taxes,

  • Trump wrote off a bunch of expenses

  • that seemed kind of suspicious.

  • -The paper also accuses

  • the President and his companies

  • of claiming questionable deductions

  • on some of those businesses.

  • More than $109,000 for linens and silverware

  • and nearly $200,000 for landscaping.

  • He also wrote off more than $70,000 in haircuts

  • when he was on "The Apprentice."

  • -The crazy part isn't that he spent $70,000 on his hair --

  • it's that, clearly, $70,000 wasn't enough.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • Should have went with $150,000.

  • Landscaping.

  • The most damaging part of the report also shows

  • that Trump might not be

  • the billionaire expert businessman he claims to be.

  • -"The Times" says documents show the President

  • reported more than $47 million in losses in 2018 alone,

  • and he faces a personal debt totaling $421 million,

  • money that could come due while he is in office

  • if he's elected to a second term.

  • -Wow. This news comes as a huge shock.

  • I mean, all this time, I thought

  • the guy who lost money running a casino

  • was a financial wiz.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, Trump's got to pay back $421 million.

  • In response, college kids with student loans are like,

  • "Holy crap! I'm richer than the president!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Basically, this is who Trump says he is,

  • and this is who he really is.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I guess that, when you owe that kind of money,

  • you start doing desperate things.

  • Look at what I saw today on Zillow.

  • He's selling the White House.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'll check it out at an open house.

  • I'm not sure if I'm going to buy it.

  • Since 2000, Trump's reported over $300 million in losses

  • just from his golf courses.

  • Would have been a better investment

  • if Trump opened up a RadioShack

  • inside a Blockbuster inside a Sears.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It wasn't all bad news for Trump this weekend.

  • On Saturday, he officially named his nominee

  • to replace the late Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg

  • on the Supreme Court.

  • -It is my honor to nominate

  • one of our nation's most brilliant and gifted legal minds

  • to the Supreme Court.

  • She is a woman of unparalleled achievement,

  • towering intellect, sterling credentials,

  • and unyielding loyalty to the Constitution,

  • Judge Amy Coney Barrett.

  • -Whew! Good Lord, that took forever.

  • By the time Trump was done with the introduction,

  • he had to fill three more Supreme Court seats.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Seriously, the only thing Trump will drag out longer

  • are the results of the election.

  • Of course, the presidential election is heating up,

  • and the first debate is tomorrow night.

  • It'll be a little different than debates we've seen in the past.

  • Watch this.

  • -Joe Biden and President Trump

  • are preparing to face off for the first time.

  • Now, this debate will be very different from debates past

  • due to the coronavirus pandemic.

  • Biden and Trump will not shake hands,

  • there will be a much smaller audience,

  • and everyone on hand will be tested for COVID-19.

  • -Yep. The debate is almost here right now.

  • Biden plans on throwing Trump off

  • by walking out in a hat that says "I.R.S."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Because of COVID, the candidates

  • won't start the night while shaking hands --

  • well, partly because of COVID,

  • but mostly 'cause Trump just doesn't know how to shake hands.

  • ♪♪

  • -Yeah, I know. Yeah.

  • ♪♪

  • -[ Chuckles ] How you doing there?

  • Yeah, yeah. Oh, oh, boy.

  • [ Laughter ] That's...

  • Oh, boy...

  • That's right -- the candidates won't start the evening

  • by shaking hands.

  • Instead, it'll be like a wedding dance floor,

  • where Biden casts a line at Trump and then reels him in.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • With the debate happening tomorrow night,

  • both Trump and Biden have been busy

  • preparing what they're going to say.

  • And we actually managed to get our hands

  • on some video of Trump's debate prep.

  • Check this out.

  • [ Bird chirps ]

  • -Alright, the big debate's tomorrow, and we gotta prep.

  • We gotta prep.

  • If I blow this, there's no telling

  • how many tens of people will change their minds about me.

  • That's why I asked you,

  • my loyal team of future tell-all authors,

  • to come up with questions.

  • So, hit me. What do we got?

  • -Mr. President, first question --

  • when will the COVID vaccine be ready?

  • -Easy. Tomorrow. [ Laughter ]

  • Definitely tomorrow. It's coming out immediately.

  • And, look, it's a very wonderful vaccine.

  • Tastes great.

  • Very delicious vaccine -- gonna to be grape probably.

  • We have our scientists working around the clock,

  • mixing [inhales sharply] the vials and the beakers,

  • and it's turning the liquid into different colors.

  • Just incredible.

  • Right now, it's very green and bubbly,

  • and it unleashes smoke in the shape of a skull,

  • so it's looking good.

  • Next question.

  • -Mr. President, is it true that,

  • in 2016 and '17, you paid $750 in federal income taxes?

  • -Absolutely false. -Excellent.

  • Great, clear answer.

  • -I paid $350.

  • -Okay, maybe let's just skip that.

  • -Sir, what's your view on climate change?

  • -Look, I've said it before. We love the climate.

  • The scientists -- they don't even know.

  • They don't even know.

  • I watch WKTG -- their meteorologist.

  • He gets the climate wrong most every day.

  • He says, "It's raining." There's no rain.

  • He says, "It's sunny," but I look at my phone,

  • and the sun's behind a little cloud.

  • Very sad.

  • It's a tough thing -- the climate.

  • [ Inhales sharply ] Very tough. Very tough thing.

  • -Mr. President, if you win...

  • -Ah-bah, ah-bah -- when I win.

  • [ Laughter ] How about when I win?

  • -...when you win,

  • how exactly are you gonna unite the country?

  • -I'm going to pass on that one. -Okay.

  • How will you ease racial tension?

  • -Ooh, big pass.

  • -Back to your taxes -- -Double-dog pass.

  • -Well, I think we need an answer for that.

  • -I said double-dog, so, legally, you have to pass.

  • They said I can have three passes.

  • Didn't they say that?

  • Can we look into that? Three passes?

  • -What do you think of Biden's plan to --

  • -Look, the thing about -- the thing about Biden,

  • can I just say the thing about Biden

  • is that he's a nasty woman.

  • [ Laughter ] He's such a nasty woman.

  • -Sorry, you said that about Hillary.

  • -That's right.

  • I'm bringing back all the classics.

  • No one goes to a Counting Crows concert

  • to hear the new stuff, folks.

  • With me, it's "Mr. Jones" all night.

  • By the way, that's where I -- that's where I drop the mic.

  • -You won't have a mic, sir.

  • -Well, I'll -- I'll drop this one, then.

  • [ Clicking, fabric rustling ] -Not that kind of mic.

  • [ No audio ]

  • We can't hear you now, sir. [ Laughter ]

  • [ Clicking, fabric rustling ]

  • -Hello?

  • -Sir, civil unrest is widespread across the country.

  • -Yes, it's very unrestful. People are very upset.

  • They're throwing cans of tuna.

  • Very sad for tuna. Next?

  • -Finally, will you accept the outcome of the election

  • if you don't win?

  • -I will absolutely. Definitely.

  • [ Clicking, fabric rustling ]