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  • >> James: LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT SOME HEADLINES.

  • OF COURSE, PRESIDENT TRUMP LEFT THE HOSPITAL EARLY LAST NIGHT.

  • AND HE DID NOT MISS THE OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE HIMSELF LOOK

  • LIKE A HERO, BECAUSE A SHORT TIME LATER HE TWEETED OUT THIS

  • DRAMATIC, MOVIE-LIKE VIDEO OF HIS RETURN.

  • ♪ ♪

  • ♪ ♪

  • >> James: THAT'S A LOT OF WORK JUST TO

  • ANNOUNCE THAT CORONAVIRUS IS OFFICIALLY IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) YOU HAVE TO HAND IT TO THAT

  • PRODUCTION TEAM.

  • HE'S A 74-YEAR-OLD SENIOR CITIZEN RETURNING FROM THE

  • HOSPITAL TO RECEIVE AT-HOME CARE.

  • AND THEY MADE IT LOOK LIKE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER IS

  • DROPPING INTO CENTRAL AMERICA TO FIGHT THE PREDATOR.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THAT WASN'T THE ONLY VERSION,

  • THOUGH.

  • WE ACTUALLY GOT OUR HANDS ON THE VERSION WITH A VOICEOVER AND

  • IT'S EVEN BETTER.

  • TAKE A LOOK...

  • ♪ ♪

  • >> IN A WORLD WHERE A BILLIONAIRE WHO DOESN'T PAY

  • TAXES CAN GET WORLD CLASS HEALTHCARE WHILE THOUSANDS OF

  • AMERICANS ARE SICK AND DYING, ONE MAN ENJOYS FREE HELICOPTER

  • RIDES WITH A MILITARY ESCORT AND WADDLING ACROSS THE WHITE HOUSE

  • LAWN DOING A VERY SILLY LITTLE WAVE.

  • AND WHATEVER THAT IS -- SO THAT HE CAN STAND ON A BALCONY LIKE A

  • LOW RENT DAVIDA AND SALUTE THE SERVICE MEMBERS HE CALLED

  • LOSERS.

  • DONALD TRUMP, ONLY IN THEORIES UNTIL NOVEMBER 3rd

  • ( APPLAUSE ) >> James: I WOULD WATCH IT.

  • I WOULD.

  • WHO WOULD PLAY CORONAVIRUS IN THAT MOVIE?

  • WHO WOULD IT BE?

  • >> I'D LIKE TO SEE WILLIAM DEFO.

  • >> James: THAT'S A GOOD SHOUT, WILLIAM DEFO, STEVE BUSCEMI.

  • >> CHRIS DEFAULTS.

  • >> James: IT COULD BE ANIMATED BECAUSE YOU KNOW THE BALL THEY

  • SHOW THE CORONAVIRUS WITH THE LITTLE RED SPIKES, THEY COULD

  • EACH BE A RED ANIMATED SPIKE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Reggie: YES, YES.

  • >> James: ONE OF THEM'S A BIT CRAZY, AND ONE OF THEM PLAYS BY

  • THE RULES, THE OTHER ONE'S JUST A MAVERICK.

  • >> LUIS GUZMAN'S ON THE OTHER SIDE GOING, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS

  • TALKING ABOUT OVER THERE?

  • SHUT UP!

  • WE'VE GOT TO GET MIKE PENCE BEFORE THIS IS OVER!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> James: THEN TRUMP POSTED AN

  • ODD VIDEO WHERE HE RAMBLED ABOUT HIS

  • LEADERSHIP AND CLAIMED THAT HE MAY ALREADY BE IMMUNE TO THE

  • VIRUS.

  • >> AS YOUR LEADER, I HAD TO DO THAT.

  • I KNEW THERE WAS DANGER TO IT, BUT I HAD TO DO IT.

  • I STOOD OUT FRONT, I LED.

  • NOBODY THAT'S APP LEADER WOULD NOT DO WHAT I DID.

  • AND I KNOW THERE'S A RISK, THERE'S A DANGER, BUT THAT'S

  • OKAY, AND NOW I'M BETTER AND MAYBE I'M IMMUNE.

  • I DON'T KNOW.

  • >> James: NOBODY THAT'S A LEADER WOULD NOT DO WHAT I DID."

  • NOBODY WHO SPEAKS ENGLISH AS A FIRST LANGUAGE WOULD NOT SAY IT

  • HOW YOU JUST NOT SAID IT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WHAT IS GOING ON WITH TRUMP'S

  • HANDS?

  • HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S AT SUBWAY AND CAN'T DECIDE BETWEEN A SIX INCH

  • AND A FOOT-LONG.

  • UH, I DON'T KNOW -- I GOT DINNER PLANS, BUT I'M KIND OF HUNGRY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT NOW TRUMP'S WONDERING IF

  • HE'S IMMUNE.

  • YEAH, HE'S IMMUNE, ALRIGHT.

  • IMMUNE TO FACTS.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) >> YEAH!

  • ( CHEERING ) >> James: THAT'S THE ONE.

  • THAT'S THE ONE THAT'LL GET HIM.

  • THAT WILL TAKE HIM DOWN.

  • THAT WILL TAKE HIM DOWN.

  • I SWEAR, IF THAT WAS AN AUDIENCE HERE, THAT WOULD HAVE GOTTEN A

  • STANDING OVATION.

  • CAN WE GET THAT ON A T-SHIRT?

  • THAT WOULD BE A GOOD DEAL OF MERCH, THAT.

  • >> IF THERE WAS AN AUDIENCE HERE, THAT WOULD BE A STANDING

  • OVATION.

  • >> James: NO.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Reggie: OH, MAN.

  • >> James: HE'S IMMUNE, ALL RIGHT -- IMMUNE TO FACTS.

  • ( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

  • >> Reggie: GOOD TIMING.

  • >> James: THE REALIZE JUST SET IN.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) MEAN WHILE THE CORONAVIRUS

  • BREAKOUT IN THE WHITE HOUSE LED TO A RATHER UNUSUAL SIGHT.

  • THIS IS A CLEANING TEAM IN HAZMAT SUITS SANITIZING THE

  • WHITE HOUSE.

  • I FEEL LIKE THIS IS A JOKE WE WERE MAKING WHEN TRUMP FIRST GOT

  • ELECTED.

  • LIKE, "EW, DONALD TRUMP?

  • WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO SANITIZE THE WHITE HOUSE NOW!"

  • AND NOW, BECAUSE OF TRUMP, THEY LITERALLY HAVE TO SANITIZE THE

  • WHITE HOUSE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT JUST A SAFETY

  • PRECAUTION, IT'S ALSO HOW TRUMP IS NOW GETTING HIS SPRAY TANS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) DESPITE EVERYTHING, THE

  • PRESIDENT CONTINUES UNDAUNTED.

  • THIS MORNING HE TWEETED, ALL CAPS, "FEELING GREAT!

  • ".

  • AT LEAST SOMEONE IS.

  • ALSO THANKS FOR THE UPDATE ON YOUR WIFE'S HEALTH,

  • MR. PRESIDENT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) GLAD YOU HAVEN'T MADE THIS WHOLE

  • THING ALL ABOUT YOU.

  • FEELING GREAT, THAT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU SAY WHEN YOU'RE

  • ACTUALLY FEELING GREAT.

  • THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY WHEN YOU JUST THREW UP IN THE BATHROOM OF

  • A BAR BUT YOU WANT TO RALLY AND KEEP GOING.

  • WE SHOULD GET YOU A CAB.

  • NO, I'M FEELING GREAT!

  • LET'S DO SOME SHOTS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT NOT EVERYONE IS BUYING INTO

  • TRUMP'S OPTIMISTIC TAKE ON THE VIRUS.

  • FACEBOOK AND TWITTER TODAY BLOCKED A POST FROM THE

  • PRESIDENT, WHERE HE FALSELY CLAIMED THAT CORONAVIRUS IS LESS

  • DEADLY THAN THE FLU.

  • GREAT NEWS, EVERYONE.

  • WE CAN 100% TRUST FACEBOOK AGAIN.p( LAUGHTER )

  • TWITTER PUT A TAG ON TRUMP'S TWEET, WHICH SEEMS IMPRESSIVE

  • UNTIL YOU REMEMBER THAT TWITTER WILL BAN YOU FOR TELLING THE

  • OFFICIAL CAPTAIN CRUNCH ACCOUNT THAT CRUNCH-BERRIES SUCK.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) NOT GOING TO GO INTO IT, BUT

  • THEY DO.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THEY'VE STOPPED TRUMP FROM LYING

  • ON FACEBOOK AND TWITTER.

  • NOW TRUMP WILL ONLY BE ABLE TO LIE AT RALLIES, PRESS

  • CONFERENCES, INTERVIEWS, DEBATES, FUNDRAISING DINNERS,

  • AND WHEN HE TELLS ERIC THAT HE'S PROUD OF HIM.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) MOVING ON.

  • A FORMER EMPLOYEE AT A PUBLIC LIBRARY IN AUSTIN, TEXAS, WAS

  • JUST ACCUSED OF STEALING PRINTER TONER FROM

  • WORK, AND THEN RESELLING IT ONLINE.

  • OVER THE COURSE OF 12 YEARS HE MADE, THIS IS TRUE, $1.3

  • MILLION FROM TONER CARTRIDGES.

  • THAT'S, LIKE, SIX TONER CARTRIDGES.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THEY FIRST BECAME SUSPICIOUS

  • WHEN THE LIBRARIAN ROLLED UP TO CHILDREN'S STORY HOUR IN A

  • BRAND-NEW LAMBORGHINI.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) HE DID THIS FOR 12 YEARS.

  • YOU JUST KNOW HE WANTED TO CONFESS A FEW YEARS AGO, BUT HE

  • WAS LIKE "GUYS, I REALLY NEED TO ADMIT SOMETHI--"

  • "SHHHH!" "I KNOW, BUT--"

  • "SHHHH!" "SHHHH!"

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, WE WANTED TO SHOW

  • YOU THIS.

  • THERE'S A NEW HARRY POTTER CHOCOLATE WAND -- WHAT WAS THAT?

  • >> THAT WAS TIM.

  • HE WAS GIVING US A PREVIEW BEFORE WE GO INTO IT.

  • >> James: THIS IS THE LAST BIT OF THE MONO.

  • THIS IS WHEN YOU DECIDE WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO PLAY FOR THE

  • BUMPOUT.

  • >> YEAH, BASICALLY, RIGHT.

  • >> James: ANG HANG ON.

  • IS THAT TRUE?

  • YOU DECIDE WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO BUMP OUT BY TIM IN A MICROPHONE

  • GOING -- >> THAT'S A BAD

  • CHARACTERIZATION.

  • >> WE'RE KIND OF LIKE GOLDFISH AND WE FORGET, AND TIM'S LIKE,

  • PLOP, PLOP, DOO, DOO, DOO, AND WE DO IT.

  • >> James: THAT'S GIVING US SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

  • >> HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT.

  • >> James: THEY CAN'T ALL BE WINNERS.

  • IT'S AN ATTEMPT AT COMEDY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, WE WANTED TO SHOW

  • YOU THIS.

  • THERE'S A NEW HARRY POTTER CHOCOLATE WAND FOR SALE AT

  • STORES IN ENGLAND, BUT MANY SHOPPERS HAVE NOTICED THAT THE

  • WAND RESEMBLES A-- WELL, SEE FOR YOURSELVES...

  • >> Reggie: OH, WOW...

  • >> James: ERECTO DILDORUIM!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) SO FAR IT'S CREATING SOME

  • CONFUSION.

  • KIDS ALL OVER ENGLAND ARE LIKE "MUM?

  • WHERE'S MY WAND?" "HUH?

  • WAND?

  • DID YOU HAVE A WAND?" BUT EXPERTS SAY TO BE CAREFUL

  • WITH THIS THING.

  • YOU DON'T WANT TO USE IT WITH SOMEONE YOU DON'T KNOW VERY

  • WELL.

  • YOU COULD CONTRACT HOGWARTS.

  • ( RIM SHOT ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH WHOOPI

  • GOLDBERG!

>> James: LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT SOME HEADLINES.

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B2 laughter james trump wand immune feeling great

Trump Is Feeling Great & Ready to Debate!

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/10/23
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