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This is the Allspark.
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It's a fancy magic cube that turns machines into dangerous product placement
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We must get it back
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Because... well Megatron wants it
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and we basically just stop everything Megatron wants to do.
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Because he's evil
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Anyway, that's enough backstory.
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Let's get to know a bunch of people who aren't transformers.
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All right team introduce yourselves
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I bring the one-liners
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I know spanish.
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I'm gonna die first
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And I have a baby.
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What up, baby?
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I don't want you being a soldier
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What if something bad happen to you?
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Nothing bad is gonna happen?
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Hey Everyone!
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Wanna die?!
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Oh no! Something bad happened!
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Hey Hey! Imma steal yo data!
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Identity theft is no joke!
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It's time for show-and-tell.
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Thanks JJ Abrams's
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I brought a bunch of old stuff for my great-grandfather because it'll be important to the plot later.
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These were his glasses
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Lame!
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I hope I get to learn more about those glasses.
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Hey, Dad, where we going?
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Getting you a car!
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Heck yes! I want this one!
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Looks like a bumblebee.
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So cool!
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You don't want the yellow Volkswagen?
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A Volkswagen named bumblebee? What is this the eighties?
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This car's not for sale.
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Come on pretty please.
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I said no
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That'll be $4
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ladies and gentlemen
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You aren't gonna believe this
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But our Internet just got hacked!
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and you guys are the biggest bunch of Smarties in all the land
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So I want you to try to figure out what this soundwave is saying
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I don't know which one of you can do this.
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But my money is on the hottie in the middle
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This is a Michael Bay picture after all and she is the most Victoria Secret looking one out of a bunch of you.
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Oh Dude! Mikaela's here. Act natural.
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Like this?
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you guys are losers.
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Let's go a little bunny.
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Gross!
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I will not be objectified.
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I'm not just eye candy
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Your mind is so sexy!
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Meanwhile, on the president's airplane
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Time for snack
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Dang it not again!
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five-second rule
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Omnomnom
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Eeeeeewwwwww
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OMG! I think I hear them hacking again!
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I knew you figured out
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Hacking!
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What did you find?
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This boy has the glasses we need!
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Man I wish the Transformers would do some Transformers stuff in this Transformers movie
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Surprise Suckas!
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Blaaaw I've been impaled.
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OMG run!
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I'm sorry, you're saying you're fighting a mechanical scorpion?
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Yeah and it's totally stronger than us
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except now it's just standing around doing nothing so we could call it an air strike
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Copy that!
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Oooow!
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There's only one man who can decipher this Soundwave
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What up?
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I need your help!
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Sure! just let me put my Decepticon code in,
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Oooo this is interesting.
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Hey, isn't this illegal?
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Freeze! This is illegal!
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Wow you guys are fast!
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Help! My cars chasing me!
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Oh thank god! The Police!
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What is happening?!
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Are you the ladies man from the internet?
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Hehe you know it.
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Give me your glasses!
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NO! Buy them from the store!
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Hey baby!
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There's a robot cop chasing me
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Quick! Get in my magic car!
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Fine. Whatever.
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How are you not freaking out right now?
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Oh man. My car's just like that evil robot car.
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Except this one is nice to me
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Gooooood morning Vietnam!
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And he talks in movie quotes!
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My name's Forrest, Forrest Gump.
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So.. what are you? Some kind of space robot from space?
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Houston we have a problem.
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Autobots, let's get that all spark!
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Bye starting with what we do best...
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Property Damage!
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It's about time you guys showed up!
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It's only been an hour in this movie.
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My name is Optimus Prime.
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And I like to say things like...
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No matter the cost!
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And... Megatron must be stopped!
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But most importantly...
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My name is Optimus Prime.
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You can talk?
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We learned your language from the world wide web
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But we did not learn how to purchase your Allspark Glasses...
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that were also on the world wide web.
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L. O. L.
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My glasses?
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Allow me to tell you an augmented reality backstory.
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Oh wow you guys really prepared for this presentation.
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Our planet was at war
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Because Decepticons and Autobots can never agree.
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The Allspark was lost to space
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And Megatron crashlanded on earth looking for it.
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Don't ask me how I know that part and why it took me this long to get here.
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Anyway.
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Megatron printed a map to the Allspark on your gran pappy's glasses.
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So we must retrieve them.
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Not so fast!
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You're under arrest!
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Wut? Why?
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For talkin to space robots!
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you guys are criminals!
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Criminals are hot!
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Ich! You're really creepy.
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You're going to jail for the rest of your life!
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No!
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you should not have don that!
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Why? What are you gonna do? Pee on me?
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Ugh! Bumblebee!
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you didn't have to actually go there!
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Come on! Get on my shoulder, you two.
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Aaaaaagh!
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Do not worry!
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I will soften your fall with my metal feet!
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Oh nononononononononononononoonononnononnonono
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They're taking Bumblebee!
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He's a good guy you guys!
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Can't you hear the sad music?
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Optimus!
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You wanna go down there and save everyone just like we did two seconds ago?
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Nah.
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We got what we need.
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Welcome everyone! It's time for you to see some crazy stuff!
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This is the badguy robot.
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Don't worry. He's frozen.
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And this is the Allspark thing they've been looking for this whole time.
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Why do you have them right next to each other?
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Plot device.
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This is really bad.
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Don't worry. They'll never find us in here.
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Found them.
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Decepticons Attack!
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You gotta free Bumblebee!
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No!
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Come on.... Pretty Please?
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Okay!
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Alright Bumblebee, do your robot magic!
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Expecto Patronum!
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Alright there's about to be a battle. We've gotta hide that cube!
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Let's take it to a heavily populated area!
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But wont that lead to more casualties?
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Heavily populated area!
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I.... am.....
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MEGATRON!
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Well hello, Megatron! My name is..
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Blaaarrahaaaaaaagh!
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Hey Megatron!
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You failed me again, Starscream.
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But I unfroze you!
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You failed me again!
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Why'd we bring this cube to the city again?
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So the explosions will look cooler.
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The what?!
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Game over man!
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Game over!
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You want me to take the cube?
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You've gotta go to the top of that building, Sam!
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Do any of you space robots wanna take me up there really fast?
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Nah. You can do it.
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But this is taking way longer though!
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Hey helicopters!
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I'm right here!
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I heard that!
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Save us, Optimus!
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Nah.
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Gimme that cube!
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No!
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Fine. You dead!
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Do not worry, Sam!
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I will catch you with my metal hand!
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Ugh!
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That still really hurt!
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Time for more property damage!
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Hey! Someone will have to pay for that!
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Sam!
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Megatron is too big and strong.
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I can not defeat him.
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You must push the Allspark into my chest.
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Destroying it and me.
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But then Megatron will still be here and you'll be dead.
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That doesn't make any sense.
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Oh. Good point!
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Put it in his chest instead!
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Okay!
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!
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I'm deeeeeeeeead!
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but not really
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Spoiler Alert.
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My name is Optimus Prime.
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I send this message to all remaining Autobots.
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Come to Earth.
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We need more sequels!
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We will be here...
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watching Sam and Mikaela make out on Bumblebee.
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no matter the cost.