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  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

  • WELCOME TO A "LATE SHOW"!

  • I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • LET ME JUST KEY UP HERE.

  • MMM!

  • OOOH, TEPID!

  • I THOUGHT THAT WAS GOING TO BE HOTTER THAN IT WAS.

  • HELLO.

  • SO NICE TO SEE YOU.

  • SPEAKING OF HOT -- HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT?

  • YOU LOOK AMAZING.

  • WE HAVEN'T BEEN TOGETHER FOR A WEEK, AND I'VE MISSED SO MUCH

  • HAS HAPPENED.

  • SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED TODAY.

  • SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED IN THE LAST FEW HOURS.

  • HONEST TO GOD, YOU GUYS BACK ME UP, I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHAT

  • WE'RE GOING TO READ EVEN THOUGH WE'VE READ ALL OF IT BECAUSE WE

  • HAD TO CHANGE THE ORDER OF EVERYTHING MINUTES AGO.

  • THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION IS ONLY 15 DAYS AWAY.

  • I CAN'T WAIT FOR THIS TO JUST BE OVER.

  • IT'S LIKE AN UPCOMING SURGERY, IN THAT I'M PLANNING ON BEING

  • ANESTHETIZED FOR THE EVENT.

  • YOU KNOW WHO COULD USE SOME PAINKILLERS?

  • DONALD TRUMP.

  • BECAUSE HIS POLL NUMBERS ARE STARTING TO LOOK PRETTY BLEAK.

  • (KNOCKING) KNOCK ON WOOD.

  • SALT THE WOOD.

  • BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE.

  • SO, IN THE RUN-UP TO THE ELECTION, TRUMP IS PLANNING TO

  • HOLD "TWO TO THREE EVENTS PER DAY."

  • BRILLIANT.

  • BE ON TV EVERYDAY TO REMIND AMERICANS WHY THEY CAN'T STAND

  • LOOKING AT YOU.

  • AT A RALLY IN GEORGIA ON FRIDAY, TRUMP OPENLY MUSED ABOUT LOSING:

  • >> COULD YOU IMAGINE IF I LOSE?

  • MY WHOLE LIFE, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

  • I'M GOING TO SAY I LOST TO THE WORST CANDIDATE IN THE

  • HISTORY OF POLITICS.

  • I'M NOT GOING TO FEEL SO GOOD.

  • MAYBE I WILL HAVE TO LEAVE THE COUNTRY.

  • >> STEPHEN: I'LL HELP YOU PACK.

  • I HEAR EQUATORIAL GUINEA HAS A BEAUTIFUL NO EXTRADITION TREATY

  • THIS TIME OF YEAR.

  • ONE OF TRUMP'S BIGGEST PROBLEMS IS THAT SUBURBAN WOMEN IN

  • BATTLEGROUND STATES CAN'T STAND HIM.

  • TO WHICH TRUMP RESPONDED, YOU CAN AND YOU WILL.

  • >> THE WOMEN WHO THEY SAY DON'T LIKE ME, THEY ACTUALLY DO LIKE

  • ME A LOT.

  • >> STEPHEN: NO SURPRISE.

  • TRUMP'S GOT A LONG HISTORY OF IGNORING WOMEN SAYING "I'M NOT

  • INTO YOU."

  • AND HE AIN'T TOO PROUD TO BEG, SWEET DARLIN'.

  • >> SUBURBAN WOMEN, PLEASE VOTE FOR ME.

  • SUBURBAN WOMEN, WILL YOU PLEASE LIKE ME?

  • >> STEPHEN: AS PATHETIC AS THAT WAS, AFTER THE RALLY, TRUMP WENT

  • DOOR TO DOOR.

  • TRUMP IS SO DESPERATE TO ATTRACT THE LADIES, HE BROKE OUT HIS

  • IRRESISTIBLE DANCE MOVE: ♪

  • ♪ ♪

  • MOVE YOUR FEET!

  • AT ALL!

  • JIMMY, PUT HIM BACK UP THERE!

  • HE MAKES THE INFLATABLE TUBE-MAN LOOK LIKE FRED ASTAIRE.

  • I'VE SEEN MORE RHYTHMIC MOVEMENT FROM A POTATO ROLLING AROUND IN

  • THE TRUNK OF MY CAR.

  • HOW DO YOU MESS UP DANCING TO "Y.M.C.A.?"

  • IT COMES WITH INSTRUCTIONS!

  • LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO BEAT A DEAD HORSE, BUT I'VE SEEN A DEAD

  • HORSE WITH BETTER MOVES.

  • THEY SAY HOW YOU DANCE INDICATES HOW YOU MAKE LOVE.

  • APPARENTLY, HE DOES NOT MAKE LOVE FROM THE WAIST DOWN.

  • FOR HIM, IT'S JUST A LOT OF FIST-PUMPING AND POINTING.

  • TRUMP IS ALSO BEING HURT BY HIS TOTAL SHANKING OF THE PANDEMIC,

  • AND THINGS ARE GETTING WORSE.

  • ON FRIDAY, FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE JULY, THE COUNTRY REPORTED

  • OVER 70,000 CORONAVIRUS CASES AND ONE EXPERT PREDICTS THAT THE

  • NEXT 6-12 WEEKS ARE GOING TO BE THE DARKEST OF THE ENTIRE

  • PANDEMIC.

  • IN OTHER WORDS: >> THE--

  • >> WORST.

  • >> IS YET!

  • TO COME!

  • >> STEPHEN: TODAY, TRUMP STOPPED BY ARIZONA FOR ANOTHER

  • SUPER-SPREADER RALLY.

  • AND HE INSISTED THAT THIS WHOLE PANDEMIC THING IS JUST A PASSING

  • FAD.

  • >> YOUR STATE IS DOING GREAT WITH THE PANDEMIC.

  • PANDEMIC.

  • THEY ARE GETTING TIRED OF THE PANDEMIC, AREN'T THEY?

  • YOU TURN ON CNN.

  • THAT'S ALL THEY COVER.

  • COVID, COVID, PANDEMIC, COVID COVID, COVID

  • UGH.

  • YOU KNOW WHAT?

  • THEY ARE TRYING TO TALK EVERYBODY OUT OF VOTING.

  • PEOPLE AREN'T BUYING IT, CNN, YOU DUMB BASTARDS.

  • THEY'RE NOT BUYING IT.

  • ( CHEERING ) >> Stephen: DUMB BASTARDS.

  • LEAVE ERIC AND DON, JR. OUT OF THIS.

  • TRUMP SPOKE ABOUT HIS COVID RECOVERY.

  • >> IT'S GREAT.

  • IT'S GREAT.

  • BUT I TOOK IT AND IT WAS INCREDIBLE.

  • INCREDIBLE.

  • I FELT LIKE SUPERMAN THE NEXT MORNING.

  • I WOKE UP, AND I WAS LIKE AAARGHH, LET ME AT EM!

  • >> STEPHEN: AH, YES.

  • EXACTLY LIKE SUPERMAN.

  • IT'S A BIRD!

  • IT'S A PLANE!

  • IT'S A CRAZY GUY JACKED UP ON STEROIDS!

  • "TRUTH, JUSTICE AND THE AMERICAN BLAARGH!"

  • "LET ME AT 'EM!

  • NOW IT'S TEPID AND SALTY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP KEEPS INSISTING COVID IS

  • NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT: >> IT'S ENDING ANYWAY.

  • I MEAN, THEY GO CRAZY WHEN I SAY IT.

  • IT'S GOING TO PETER OUT, AND IT'S

  • GOING TO END.

  • WE'RE ROUNDING THE TURN.

  • WE'RE ROUNDING THE CORNER.

  • THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL IS NEAR.

  • >> STEPHEN: NOTHING SAYS YOU'RE OUT OF DANGER LIKE, "GO TOWARD

  • THE LIGHT."

  • (AS TRUMP) "WE'RE GOING TO PUT ALL THE

  • COVID INTO A BUCKET AND THEN WE'RE GOING TO KICK THE BUCKET.

  • ALL THE WAY TO THAT FARM UPSTATE, WHERE WE'RE ALL GOING

  • TO LIVE, WE'RE GONNA BE ALIVE AS DOORNAILS."

  • TRUMP SAID WHETHER YOU'RE NAUGHTY OR NICE, BIDEN'S COMING

  • FOR YOUR STOCKING WITH CARE.

  • >> IF HE GETS IN CARSON CITY WILL BE A GHOST TOWN.

  • AND THE CHRISTMAS SEASON WILL BE CANCELLED.

  • >> STEPHEN: YES, IF JOE IS ELECTED, THERE WILL BE NO

  • CHRISTMAS ON JANUARY 20.

  • AND FORGET ABOUT FOURTH OF JULY IN FEBRUARY!

  • THEN HE CAME UP WITH THIS WEIRD ATTACK.

  • >> YOU KNOW, BIDEN WANTS TO LOCK IT DOWN.

  • HE WANTS TO LISTEN TO DR. FAUCI.

  • HE WANTS TO LISTEN TO DR. FAUCI.

  • >> Stephen: DR. FAUCI IS THE MOST

  • TRUSTED PERSON ON CORONAVIRUS IN THE UNITED STATES.

  • I DON'T THINK THAT'S THE ATTACK YOU THINK IT IS.

  • AND I'M BEING TOLD THERE'S ALREADY A NEW AD:

  • >> YOU KNOW, BIDEN WANTS TO LOCK IT DOWN.

  • HE WANTS TO LISTEN TO DR. FAUCI.

  • >> I'M JOE BIDEN AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE.

  • >> Stephen: LAST NIGHT, THE SAME DR. FAUCI WAS ON

  • "60 MINUTES," AND HE WAS FRANK ABOUT TRUMP'S

  • EFFORTS TO KEEP HIM FROM SPEAKING TO THE PUBLIC.

  • >> DURING THIS PANDEMIC, HAS THE WHITE HOUSE BEEN CONTROLLING

  • WHEN YOU CAN SPEAK WITH THE MEDIA?

  • >> YOU KNOW, I THINK YOU'D HAVE TO BE HONEST AND SAY YES.

  • I CERTAINLY HAVE NOT BEEN ALLOWED TO GO ON MANY, MANY,

  • MANY SHOWS THAT HAVE ASKED FOR ME.

  • >> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT-- MANY, MANY SHOWS.

  • THANKS TO TRUMP, WE NEVER GOT TO SEE FAUCI ON "FLOOR IS LAVA."

  • FAUCI WAS ALSO CONCERNED ABOUT THE PRESIDENT PERSONALLY.

  • >> WERE YOU SURPRISED WHEN PRESIDENT TRUMP GOT SICK?

  • >> ABSOLUTELY NOT.

  • I WAS WORRIED THAT HE WAS GOING TO GET SICK WHEN I SAW HIM IN A

  • COMPLETELY PRECARIOUS SITUATION OF CROWDED, NO SEPARATION

  • BETWEEN PEOPLE, AND ALMOST NOBODY WEARING A MASK.

  • WHEN I SAW THAT ON TV, I SAID, "OH, MY GOODNESS.

  • NOTHING GOOD CAN COME OUT OF THAT, THAT'S GOT TO BE A

  • PROBLEM."

  • >> STEPHEN: SO, FAUCI INFLUENCES TRUMP'S COVID POLICY THE SAME

  • WAY WE DO: BY STARING IN HORROR AT THE TV AND SAYING, "THAT'S

  • GOT TO BE A PROBLEM."

  • TODAY, WITH INFECTIONS SPIKING ACROSS THE COUNTRY, TRUMP HIT

  • BACK AT FAUCI ON A CAMPAIGN STAFF PHONE CALL WITH REPORTERS

  • SAYING, "PEOPLE ARE TIRED OF HEARING FAUCI AND THESE IDIOTS,

  • ALL THESE IDIOTS WHO GOT IT WRONG."

  • YEAH, REMEMBER THE GUY WHO SAID IT WOULD GO AWAY IN APRIL?

  • ACCORDING TO POLLS, PEOPLE ARE REALLY TIRED OF THAT IDIOT.

  • TRUMP WASN'T THE ONLY REPUBLICAN ACTING LIKE AN IDIOT AT A RALLY

  • THIS WEEKEND.

  • THERE WAS ALSO, GEORGIA SENATOR DAVID PERDUE, SEEN HERE

  • EXPLAINING HOW HE LIKES HIS PUMPKINS TO HAVE SOME JUNK IN

  • THE TRUNK.

  • SENATOR PERDUE WAS THE OPENING ACT FOR TRUMP'S RALLY IN MACON,

  • GEORGIA, ON FRIDAY.

  • AND HE HAD THIS TO SAY ABOUT DEMOCRATIC VICE PRESIDENTIAL

  • CANDIDATE KAMALA HARRIS.

  • >> KAMAL-- OR KAMALA OR KAMALA, OR KAMALA-MALA-MALA,

  • I DON'T KNOW.

  • WHATEVER!

  • >> STEPHEN: OKAY, NOT A HARD NAME TO PRONOUNCE.

  • IT'S KAMALA HARRIS.

  • GET IT RIGHT NEXT TIME, SENATOR DAVID PUBE-DEW.

  • I MEAN, PUKE-DUDE.

  • I MEAN, PURE-DOO-DOO?

  • SENATOR PERV-DOOKIE IMMEDIATELY CAME UNDER FIRE FOR BEING

  • RACIST, BECAUSE YEAH.

  • SO HIS CAMPAIGN RELEASED A STATEMENT TRYING TO BACKTRACK,

  • SAYING HE "SIMPLY MISPRONOUNCED SENATOR HARRIS' NAME, AND DIDN'T

  • MEAN ANYTHING BY IT."

  • WHICH IS PRETTY HARD TO BELIEVE, SINCE HE'S WORKED WITH HARRIS IN

  • THE SENATE SINCE 2017.

  • IN HIS DEFENSE, HE NEVER ACTUALLY HEARD HER NAME

  • PRONOUNCED BECAUSE HE'S SPENT THE PAST FOUR YEARS WITH HIS

  • HEAD FIRMLY LODGED IN THE PRESIDENT'S KEISTER.

  • BIDEN'S ALSO ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, BUT INSTEAD OF TALKING TO

  • PEOPLE IN A TRUMP-STYLE SUPER SPREADER MOSH-PIT, HE'S HOSTING

  • DRIVE IN RALLIES WHERE PEOPLE JUST COME TO THE RALLY IN THEIR

  • CARS.

  • WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF ONE COUPLE WHO REALLY ENJOYED BIDEN'S

  • SPEECH: OOH, LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY VOTED

  • EARLY.

  • >> FOLKS, AS MY COLLEGE USED TO SAY IN COLLEGE, IT'S GO TIME!

  • THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION IN OUR LIFETIME!

  • (CARS HONKING) GOING TO MAKE ALL THE

  • DIFFERENCE!

  • >> Stephen: LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY VOTED EARLY.

  • WHEN HE ANSWERED, BIDEN GOT A WARM WELCOME

  • ( HONKING ) >> HELLO, NORTH CAROLINA!

  • THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

  • I TELL YOU WHAT, IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE.

  • MICHAEL, YOU KNOW, UH -- >> STEPHEN: (AS BIDEN)

  • "WHOA, JACK, THAT'S SOME LOUD HONKIN'!

  • BETTER PUT ON MY SUNGLASSES.

  • NOPE, THESE ARE FOR THE EYES.

  • I NEED THE ONE FOR THE EARS.

  • COME ON!

  • SOMEBODY INVENT EARVIATORS!" COME ON, JACK.

  • BIDEN ISN'T JUST RELYING SOLELY ON IN-PERSON APPEARANCES,

  • BECAUSE THIS WEEKEND, THE CAMPAIGN ANNOUNCED THAT JOE

  • BIDEN HAS HIS OWN ISLAND ON THE VIDEO GAME "ANIMAL CROSSING"

  • WHERE YOU CAN LEARN ABOUT HIS CAMPAIGN.

  • AWESOME, BECAUSE THAT'S WHY PEOPLE PLAY VIDEO GAMES: TO NOT

  • ESCAPE FROM REALITY.

  • THAT'S WHY THE MOST POPULAR VIDEO GAME RIGHT NOW IS "CALL OF

  • CIVIC DUTY."

  • THIS IS PERFECT.

  • I CAN'T REMEMBER A TIME WHERE PANDERING TO VOTERS USING A

  • POPULAR VIDEO GAME DIDN'T WORK!

  • >> I DON'T KNOW WHO CREATED "POKEMON GO," BUT I'D TRY TO

  • FIGURE OUT HOW WE GET THEM TO HAVE POKEMON GO TO THE POLLS!

  • >> Stephen: STILL HURTS FOUR YEARS LATER.

  • ACCORDING TO CAMPAIGN OFFICIALS, TRUMP HAS NO PLANS TO LAUNCH A

  • SIMILAR EFFORT ON "ANIMAL CROSSING."

  • CLEARLY, IF TRUMP WERE TO INSERT HIMSELF TO A VIDEO GAME,

  • IT WOULD OBVIOUSLY BE "JUST DANCE."

  • THINGS LOOK SO BAD FOR TRUMP THAT SOME REPUBLICANS ARE

  • BEGINNING TO EDGE AWAY.

  • ONE REPUBLICAN BEGINNING TO SPROUT A TINY SET OF TESTICLES

  • IS TEXAS SENATOR AND UNDERSTUDY FOR THE BLUE MAN GROUP, JOHN

  • CORNYN.

  • CORNYN GAVE AN INTERVIEW WHERE HE ASSURED VOTERS THAT AT TIMES

  • HE HAS DISAGREED WITH PRESIDENT TRUMP ON ISSUES SUCH AS BUDGET

  • DEFICITS AND BORDER SECURITY BUT KEPT HIS OPPOSITION PRIVATE.

  • SURE, JUST LIKE HOW THERE ARE TIMES I

  • DON'T SAY THAT JOHN CORNYN IS A LYING COWARD, BUT I KEEP IT

  • PRIVATE.